Depression, anxiety, stress and other related issues

[Sith Happens]

@ronnieronalde Firstly not sure hes the sort of mate you wan't, sounds like someone who uses people and highlights other peoples errors or failings to mask his own insecurities.

This is true of most bullies, playground or workspace bullies.

Certainly sounds like no proper procedures and I am sure you would have a case if you decided to pursue but often these things are best let go, although this is what bullies like this expect and thrive on.

You are right its hard to speak up and if you do often people don't understand, certainly in my last role i found this, both in understanding my mental and physical health issues. Often people are in the camp of 'pull yourself together'.

Your view of a leader in my opinion is correct, a leader should motivate and lift people, be clear in communication but be able to sensitively handle situations that do require reprimand, doing it in front of others is not the correct way to do it.

Its amazing how much a simple well done can have a positive impact, often more so than a monetary reward.

I can't offer many words of wisdom, its like a rollercoaster sometimes, I am in a much better place with my new job but still have massive self doubting moments and times of stress and anxiety but these are becoming far less than the better times.

Hope you manage to sort you business out and things improve.

[King Kevin]

3 hours ago, ronnieronalde said:

I'm aware there is this public wave of "speak up" if you're unwell but I'd add a word of caution to that. Be careful and be sure that the person you're speaking to is ready to handle it. Friends or bosses.

I've probably dropped hints that I'm out of work right now, although I am trying to rebuild through running my own business.

I was diagnosed with high functioning depression the year I left Poland and didn't continue treatment here in the UK, thinking I should "man up" (the worst ducking phrase in the world of male depression).

High performance anxiety means among other things that I'm very self critical no matter how well I'm performing and don't need or respond well to others criticising, especially if unwarranted.

So I'm working for my best mate, known him since we were five - over a two year period I've gone from earning 150k USD down to accepting a job with him on 24k just because I need to get back on my feet and think working with/for him is the best thing I could do. issue with that, he speaks to me (and others) like I'm a piece of poo, he ricks my balloon when I'm having great days and nothing anyone ever does is good enough, he always focusses on what hasn't been done. 

As a leader, he's everything I'm not. My view, a leader should motivate and lift those around him.

They gave me a target of 650k in sales, I wouldn't accept it. I told them to make it 1.3m - despite the fact I wouldn't get paid any extra, my bonus was 20% of salary no matter how I performed. They told me I was full of poo and wouldn't hit it, apparently I'd put my balls well and truly on the line....

I hit my targets, he wasn't happy cos most of it came from 3 NEW customers and I should focus on trying to get smaller customers as well.

One day he strolled in an 3pm and the first thing he did was hammer me in front of everyone for going to the toilet while the phone is ringing, I'm 44 I hadn't stopped all day and I needed to ask if I could go for a wee?  we have a massive argument in the office and the writing is on the wall. Anyway, I end up sending him an email handing my notice in. He ignores it. Friday afternoon, still nothing, not even an acknowledgement.

So I come to work as normal, not knowing what the duck I can do to get him to listen or talk. I end up sending him a link to an article explaining my illness and ask him if we can talk about it. telling him honestly the way he talks to me hurts.

We talk about it alright, he brings the owner of the company down, we sit in an office for two hours with him telling me I'm schizophrenic, how I'm like a woman and how I'm an analyst and not a sales person, I'm incredibly selfish and disruptive, eventually I start crying and ask him to stop, he shouts upstairs to one of my colleagues and asks him to come down to confirm that yes, I am indeed nuts.

They owed me 4.8k in bonus, due a month later  so instead of walking out, I stayed and promised I would change...I would change. ffs.

It didn't get any better and eventually ended with my best mate taking my mobile phone, my car keys and telling me to leave, when I asked if he was firing me, he said it's better for everyone that you leave, I said I'm not leaving, you need to fire me. His answer was to threaten to call the police and have me removed. I told him he was a twit and next time we were out for a pint I'd... then I shut up.

I had to walk home from the Showcase in Nottingham to Alfreton cos he wouldn't let anyone give me lift.

After a review meeting with no independent witnesses, I was fired for threatening behaviour with the entire office apparently afraid for their safety.

I now can't and don't want to trust anyone. I'm broken. As a team mate, a colleague or even a boss, I'm terrified that they are right.

Be careful who you talk to. Not everyone is understanding, a lot of people are terrified by the very thought of it.

Sorry mate I'll keep this short ,he's no mate he's a nob .You sound a decent normal guy try not to forget that. What you have described is quite prevalent in the sales environment .

[Smyth_18]

4 hours ago, ronnieronalde said:

I'm aware there is this public wave of "speak up" if you're unwell but I'd add a word of caution to that. Be careful and be sure that the person you're speaking to is ready to handle it. Friends or bosses.

I've probably dropped hints that I'm out of work right now, although I am trying to rebuild through running my own business.

I was diagnosed with high functioning depression the year I left Poland and didn't continue treatment here in the UK, thinking I should "man up" (the worst ducking phrase in the world of male depression).

High performance anxiety means among other things that I'm very self critical no matter how well I'm performing and don't need or respond well to others criticising, especially if unwarranted.

So I'm working for my best mate, known him since we were five - over a two year period I've gone from earning 150k USD down to accepting a job with him on 24k just because I need to get back on my feet and think working with/for him is the best thing I could do. issue with that, he speaks to me (and others) like I'm a piece of poo, he ricks my balloon when I'm having great days and nothing anyone ever does is good enough, he always focusses on what hasn't been done. 

As a leader, he's everything I'm not. My view, a leader should motivate and lift those around him.

They gave me a target of 650k in sales, I wouldn't accept it. I told them to make it 1.3m - despite the fact I wouldn't get paid any extra, my bonus was 20% of salary no matter how I performed. They told me I was full of poo and wouldn't hit it, apparently I'd put my balls well and truly on the line....

I hit my targets, he wasn't happy cos most of it came from 3 NEW customers and I should focus on trying to get smaller customers as well.

One day he strolled in an 3pm and the first thing he did was hammer me in front of everyone for going to the toilet while the phone is ringing, I'm 44 I hadn't stopped all day and I needed to ask if I could go for a wee?  we have a massive argument in the office and the writing is on the wall. Anyway, I end up sending him an email handing my notice in. He ignores it. Friday afternoon, still nothing, not even an acknowledgement.

So I come to work as normal, not knowing what the duck I can do to get him to listen or talk. I end up sending him a link to an article explaining my illness and ask him if we can talk about it. telling him honestly the way he talks to me hurts.

We talk about it alright, he brings the owner of the company down, we sit in an office for two hours with him telling me I'm schizophrenic, how I'm like a woman and how I'm an analyst and not a sales person, I'm incredibly selfish and disruptive, eventually I start crying and ask him to stop, he shouts upstairs to one of my colleagues and asks him to come down to confirm that yes, I am indeed nuts.

They owed me 4.8k in bonus, due a month later  so instead of walking out, I stayed and promised I would change...I would change. ffs.

It didn't get any better and eventually ended with my best mate taking my mobile phone, my car keys and telling me to leave, when I asked if he was firing me, he said it's better for everyone that you leave, I said I'm not leaving, you need to fire me. His answer was to threaten to call the police and have me removed. I told him he was a twit and next time we were out for a pint I'd... then I shut up.

I had to walk home from the Showcase in Nottingham to Alfreton cos he wouldn't let anyone give me lift.

After a review meeting with no independent witnesses, I was fired for threatening behaviour with the entire office apparently afraid for their safety.

I now can't and don't want to trust anyone. I'm broken. As a team mate, a colleague or even a boss, I'm terrified that they are right.

Be careful who you talk to. Not everyone is understanding, a lot of people are terrified by the very thought of it.

This makes me so angry.

I work behind the Showcase cinema myself and would love to know the name of this company.

I'm the least confrontational person you could find but i would happily go in there and tear into them right now.

[McRainy]

6 hours ago, ronnieronalde said:

I'm terrified that they are right.

They aren't. The way you have been treated is appalling. As you say yourself, you know that your anxiety leads you to be hyper self critical. I do the same thing myself, so I recognise what you are saying. 

Anyone looking at that situation objectively could see that the employer has broken all the rules, and has no management skills and no basic decency. With proper representation you could probably take them to the cleaners. 

The important thing is not to lose faith in yourself. If you find it difficult to find that from within, then take support from those who know, understand and care about you. I agree with you that sometimes it isn't safe to be open about your difficulties, but the worst thing is being alone with them.

You tried to be honest and open with your employer and had that trust thrown back in your face. I hope you have others in your life who can treat you with the understanding and respect you deserve. Definitely get support, if not from friends and family, then from one of the mental health services that are there for that purpose. 

I would also say try not to put too much pressure on yourself with regard to work. I know you need to live, but the measure of your worth as a person is not in how much you earn. 

Edited November 22, 2018 by Lambchop

[Mostyn6]

On 15/12/2015 at 07:54, Moist One said:

How do you know when you have hit rock bottom?

How do you know how many steps away you are from being Kurt Cobain, Gary Speed, Robin Williams etc?

Do you know anyone who has suffered from depression or suicidal tendencies? How would you spot the signs?

What was the difference in Gary Speed the day before he ended it, and on the day?

I started this thread 3 years ago cos I realised I was in a very low place, but wasn't sure how low I was, and how much lower I could manage. Sadly, I'm back in a similar place and have been for a month or so, except I'm struggling to find any comfort in self-awareness or knowledge that others are suffering similar.

I've tried to avoid burdening anyone with my feelings over the last month, but am hoping writing it down on here might help, so apologies in advance. I'm in a situation where I am having a daily battle with myself. These battles used to be annual, then monthly, then fortnightly, then non-existent, and they're basically a "what's the point?", and being candid, they've been a give yourself a reason to live internal conversation. The bit I'm realising is that many of my reasons are based on fantasy, ******** and delusion at the moment. Silly things like "you might fall in love and live happily ever after!"!!

What's been quite saddening, but I accept, is that friends I used to rely on can no longer be relied on for anything. Simply as they have other issues to deal with, Mortgages, Weddings, Babies, Family Illnesses, Work issues etc, so I cannot expect them to drop anything just to pander to my neediness.

I drew parallels to Ronnie's post recently, scarily so. In recent months, my only positive has been work, and knowing that I'm doing a banging quality job, or so I thought. I had the wind knocked out of my sales recently, having discovered my manager isn't actually aware of what I am doing and would quite happily see me down the road. Things came to a head, and I won a little battle (that I didn't want) to save my job. But not without a few weeks of feeling very isolated, lonely and victimised.

Over the last few years, those I consider friends have declined almost all invitations to visit or spend time with me, always with reasons I might add, but nevertheless, I've eventually began to take it personally, even if not intentional rejection. Every attempt to get together as a group is just a stressful waste of time, and the reasons they've given to not be able to attend have been quite surprising, and I've taken that as me being way down on the list of priorities.

I went off the radar a few weeks ago. Literally made myself uncontactable. Deleted Whatsapp, Snapchat etc, didn't tweet, didn't post here or anywhere else, and just worked, and went home. I cannot explain why I did this, but eventually people guilted me into getting involved in things. I wrote a lengthy explanation to 20 mates making them aware of what I was going through, and on the whole they responded supportively. I spent a few weeks trying to force myself to be more positive, but the fact that these supportive friends have just carried on being somewhat neglective and ignorant, knowing what I was feeling, has left me feeling doubly negative.

Christmas is never a great time for me, I have always felt lonely and isolated, but that doesn't usually hit me this hard. I've never felt so isolated and emotional, and pointless and worthless and demotivated for life as I do right now. I'm at the stage where the only reason I haven't ended my life is cos it would kill my grandma. She is ill as it is. I've even nearly thought it wouldn't matter as she is ill anyway, so my going wouldn't really matter.

I've recently had a mini-meltdown and told a circle of friends that I'm sick of begging for attention so I will leave them alone, and they should leave me alone. I thought that would be hurtful and I'd be sad, but I'm not. It just gives me the freedom to do what I want without any guilt. Another circle of friends are making me feel like doing similar with them, and if that happens, I will be totally isolated and friendless and the sad thing is that I think I want this.

[SaintRam]

7 minutes ago, Moist One said:

I started this thread 3 years ago cos I realised I was in a very low place, but wasn't sure how low I was, and how much lower I could manage. Sadly, I'm back in a similar place and have been for a month or so, except I'm struggling to find any comfort in self-awareness or knowledge that others are suffering similar.

I've tried to avoid burdening anyone with my feelings over the last month, but am hoping writing it down on here might help, so apologies in advance. I'm in a situation where I am having a daily battle with myself. These battles used to be annual, then monthly, then fortnightly, then non-existent, and they're basically a "what's the point?", and being candid, they've been a give yourself a reason to live internal conversation. The bit I'm realising is that many of my reasons are based on fantasy, ******** and delusion at the moment. Silly things like "you might fall in love and live happily ever after!"!!

What's been quite saddening, but I accept, is that friends I used to rely on can no longer be relied on for anything. Simply as they have other issues to deal with, Mortgages, Weddings, Babies, Family Illnesses, Work issues etc, so I cannot expect them to drop anything just to pander to my neediness.

I drew parallels to Ronnie's post recently, scarily so. In recent months, my only positive has been work, and knowing that I'm doing a banging quality job, or so I thought. I had the wind knocked out of my sales recently, having discovered my manager isn't actually aware of what I am doing and would quite happily see me down the road. Things came to a head, and I won a little battle (that I didn't want) to save my job. But not without a few weeks of feeling very isolated, lonely and victimised.

Over the last few years, those I consider friends have declined almost all invitations to visit or spend time with me, always with reasons I might add, but nevertheless, I've eventually began to take it personally, even if not intentional rejection. Every attempt to get together as a group is just a stressful waste of time, and the reasons they've given to not be able to attend have been quite surprising, and I've taken that as me being way down on the list of priorities.

I went off the radar a few weeks ago. Literally made myself uncontactable. Deleted Whatsapp, Snapchat etc, didn't tweet, didn't post here or anywhere else, and just worked, and went home. I cannot explain why I did this, but eventually people guilted me into getting involved in things. I wrote a lengthy explanation to 20 mates making them aware of what I was going through, and on the whole they responded supportively. I spent a few weeks trying to force myself to be more positive, but the fact that these supportive friends have just carried on being somewhat neglective and ignorant, knowing what I was feeling, has left me feeling doubly negative.

Christmas is never a great time for me, I have always felt lonely and isolated, but that doesn't usually hit me this hard. I've never felt so isolated and emotional, and pointless and worthless and demotivated for life as I do right now. I'm at the stage where the only reason I haven't ended my life is cos it would kill my grandma. She is ill as it is. I've even nearly thought it wouldn't matter as she is ill anyway, so my going wouldn't really matter.

I've recently had a mini-meltdown and told a circle of friends that I'm sick of begging for attention so I will leave them alone, and they should leave me alone. I thought that would be hurtful and I'd be sad, but I'm not. It just gives me the freedom to do what I want without any guilt. Another circle of friends are making me feel like doing similar with them, and if that happens, I will be totally isolated and friendless and the sad thing is that I think I want this.

I made that decision a few years ago. 

I think it's healthy for people struggling with their mental health to rid themselves of "excess" social connections. And I, basically, have no friends locally - other than one (my other half) - but both she and my distant friends (in the US) came about after a couple of years of almost total real-world isolation, talking to random people online and playing games.

There was one person during that stint of online-chat that I constantly returned to, and I do think its important though for you to have that one person, who understands your situation - who can support you from a position of experience, rather than ignorance - saying truly helpful things, rather than patting you on the back and telling you you'll be OK.  

And I don't think it would be responsible for anyone to advise you to cut your social ties if that person doesn't exist. True isolation only really leads you down one road.

 

If that person, or people that fit that mould, do not exist for you - in the state you are in I think your best bet may be to seek out a support group or similar. Something structured, that can help you make connections to people who you can rely on to support you when you find yourself battling.

[Stive Pesley]

27 minutes ago, Moist One said:

I've recently had a mini-meltdown and told a circle of friends that I'm sick of begging for attention so I will leave them alone, and they should leave me alone. I thought that would be hurtful and I'd be sad, but I'm not. It just gives me the freedom to do what I want without any guilt. Another circle of friends are making me feel like doing similar with them, and if that happens, I will be totally isolated and friendless and the sad thing is that I think I want this.

Tough to know what to say to that - but if you've been open and honest and laid this out to friends, and they aren't helping you, then they are the wrong sort of friends

That's not slag them off, but you talk about circles of friends and I find that i have different types of friends. The ones you'd trust with your life, the ones that are great to go out drinking with, the ones you used to work with and are nice enough but you don't have a lot in common with, etc etc. Like you say, I'm sure they all have a ton of their own poo to worry about, and if that means they don't have time to be there for you, then you need to look elsewhere for help. Trying to force them to care and then feeling let down when they don't is a horrible place to be so you shouldn't feel bad about taking positive action to leave them alone. 

I guess you need to know that there is another circle of friends on here who don't know you at all in the real sense of the word, but are always here to listen and not make you feel alone.  You did the right thing posting. If it ever gets this bad - always share your thoughts here and one (or more) of us bell-ends will try and help in whatever small way we can

 

Edited December 17, 2018 by StivePesley
While I typed that SaintRam said it much better than me :)

[Coneheadjohn]

@Moist One,that’s horrible for you to feel so low but also massive that you’ve written it all down on here.

I am guessing that you’ve held back quite a bit too?

I’ve got a million things on this afternoon but whilst I’m going through them all I’m going to put all my thoughts to you and if there’s anything I can do to help.

I’m not saying i’ll come up with anything other than some supportive words but I’m thinking about you and if I can help I will.

And friends are overrated by the way.

[i-Ram]

5 hours ago, Moist One said:

I started this thread 3 years ago cos I realised I was in a very low place, but wasn't sure how low I was, and how much lower I could manage. Sadly, I'm back in a similar place and have been for a month or so, except I'm struggling to find any comfort in self-awareness or knowledge that others are suffering similar.

I've tried to avoid burdening anyone with my feelings over the last month, but am hoping writing it down on here might help, so apologies in advance. I'm in a situation where I am having a daily battle with myself. These battles used to be annual, then monthly, then fortnightly, then non-existent, and they're basically a "what's the point?", and being candid, they've been a give yourself a reason to live internal conversation. The bit I'm realising is that many of my reasons are based on fantasy, ******** and delusion at the moment. Silly things like "you might fall in love and live happily ever after!"!!

What's been quite saddening, but I accept, is that friends I used to rely on can no longer be relied on for anything. Simply as they have other issues to deal with, Mortgages, Weddings, Babies, Family Illnesses, Work issues etc, so I cannot expect them to drop anything just to pander to my neediness.

I drew parallels to Ronnie's post recently, scarily so. In recent months, my only positive has been work, and knowing that I'm doing a banging quality job, or so I thought. I had the wind knocked out of my sales recently, having discovered my manager isn't actually aware of what I am doing and would quite happily see me down the road. Things came to a head, and I won a little battle (that I didn't want) to save my job. But not without a few weeks of feeling very isolated, lonely and victimised.

Over the last few years, those I consider friends have declined almost all invitations to visit or spend time with me, always with reasons I might add, but nevertheless, I've eventually began to take it personally, even if not intentional rejection. Every attempt to get together as a group is just a stressful waste of time, and the reasons they've given to not be able to attend have been quite surprising, and I've taken that as me being way down on the list of priorities.

I went off the radar a few weeks ago. Literally made myself uncontactable. Deleted Whatsapp, Snapchat etc, didn't tweet, didn't post here or anywhere else, and just worked, and went home. I cannot explain why I did this, but eventually people guilted me into getting involved in things. I wrote a lengthy explanation to 20 mates making them aware of what I was going through, and on the whole they responded supportively. I spent a few weeks trying to force myself to be more positive, but the fact that these supportive friends have just carried on being somewhat neglective and ignorant, knowing what I was feeling, has left me feeling doubly negative.

Christmas is never a great time for me, I have always felt lonely and isolated, but that doesn't usually hit me this hard. I've never felt so isolated and emotional, and pointless and worthless and demotivated for life as I do right now. I'm at the stage where the only reason I haven't ended my life is cos it would kill my grandma. She is ill as it is. I've even nearly thought it wouldn't matter as she is ill anyway, so my going wouldn't really matter.

I've recently had a mini-meltdown and told a circle of friends that I'm sick of begging for attention so I will leave them alone, and they should leave me alone. I thought that would be hurtful and I'd be sad, but I'm not. It just gives me the freedom to do what I want without any guilt. Another circle of friends are making me feel like doing similar with them, and if that happens, I will be totally isolated and friendless and the sad thing is that I think I want this.

Hard to read, even more difficult to know how to respond. I can only say l feel your pain, and wish you stronger and in a better place very soon. Today, spilling to us, will hopefully be a positive kickstart for you.

p.s. Perhaps now might be a good time to change your username again.  Moist One is ironically an anagram of Emotions.

[Coneheadjohn]

Still thinking about you whilst I’m working mate,hope you’re getting some positive vibes.

[Rev]

Turns out my cyst was rather more serious than I thought, and I'm going for surgery in 2 hours. 

I've totally convinced myself I'm about to die under anesthesia, and I'm pooping meself.

I've sent the family home, and am sitting by the bed in bits.

Someone give me a slap.

[Norman]

You'll be fine. It's the nurse stood behind you making sure youve had a wee before you go home that was the hardset part.

Edited December 18, 2018 by Norman

[ketteringram]

16 minutes ago, reveldevil said:

Turns out my cyst was rather more serious than I thought, and I'm going for surgery in 2 hours. 

I've totally convinced myself I'm about to die under anesthesia, and I'm pooping meself.

I've sent the family home, and am sitting by the bed in bits.

Someone give me a slap.

Can't find the slap emoji! Good luck! 

[angieram]

44 minutes ago, reveldevil said:

Turns out my cyst was rather more serious than I thought, and I'm going for surgery in 2 hours. 

I've totally convinced myself I'm about to die under anesthesia, and I'm pooping meself.

I've sent the family home, and am sitting by the bed in bits.

Someone give me a slap.

All the best, you'll feel so much better when it's sorted. 

[King Kevin]

57 minutes ago, reveldevil said:

Turns out my cyst was rather more serious than I thought, and I'm going for surgery in 2 hours. 

I've totally convinced myself I'm about to die under anesthesia, and I'm pooping meself.

I've sent the family home, and am sitting by the bed in bits.

Someone give me a slap.

I would probably feel the same ,but it's totally irrational and you will be fine .Good luck [you won't need it by the way]

[mozza]

All the best, rev. Where is this cyst? 

[sage]

1 hour ago, reveldevil said:

Turns out my cyst was rather more serious than I thought, and I'm going for surgery in 2 hours. 

I've totally convinced myself I'm about to die under anesthesia, and I'm pooping meself.

I've sent the family home, and am sitting by the bed in bits.

Someone give me a slap.

Tha gret soft apath, thal be rate youth,

[Rev]

7 minutes ago, mozza said:

All the best, rev. Where is this cyst? 

See Avatar for details.

[Steve How Hard?]

11 minutes ago, reveldevil said:

See Avatar for details.

Ouch. All the best. 

[McRainy]

@Moist One Don't be alone over Christmas if you don't want to be. Pm me anytime if you fancy a pint. 

Ps Obviously, you'd have to be really desperate!

Edited December 18, 2018 by Lambchop