More to life than Football.

[Day]

Pull up a chair, this will be a long one.

Me and my wife Leanne have been together 8 years and 5 months, we have been trying for a baby for around 6/7 years. Nothing happened. Leanne has been desperate for our own little baby and seeing friends around us start families has been hard for her.

It’s been hard for myself as I later found out it was probably my fault following a sperm test.

Just before Covid we went to explore IVF options where I was given a sperm test, the results were basically I have swimmers, just not enough to put me in the “normal” range. Not impossible I could get Leanne pregnant, just harder than it would be for others.

Covid landed, lockdown, all non essential treatment and hospital appointments were cancelled, so our doctors asked us to come back once life returned to normal.

Fast forward to August 2023, we returned to the doctors knowing the clock was ticking, Leanne turns 40 this year and would already be classified as a “geriatric”, whilst myself a slightly younger Des O’Connor.

Anyway, they started testing Leanne, she was all clear, I was given another tube to fill and arrange an appointment with the hospital. Contacting them I was told there is such a backlog, we would be waiting until the new year, side note, we’re almost April and I’m still yet to receive a call back.

As I have mentioned elsewhere, October 27th our great nephews moved in with us under an emergency kinship fostering placement, since then we have been undergoing various assessments and training.

We go to the fostering panel to be confirmed foster parents on April 11th.

We was also willing to go down the SGO (Special guardianship order) route which would see them stay with us until they were 18.

Now, this is an important bit. We live in a small 2 bedroom house, me and Leanne looked at it and said maybe this is our calling, maybe we just weren’t meant to have our own and threw ourselves into the boys creating a special bond.

Monday 12th February, 2024, Leanne woke me up in tears saying we need to talk. My eyes had barely adjusted to the daylight before a positive pregnancy test was thrust into my face.

What. The. f***.

We quickly went to Morrison’s to buy another one, just to double check, this time a digital one. Both ClearBlue so super accurate.

The pregnancy was confirmed, 2-3 weeks it said.

We hadn’t bothered to be “careful” as we figured it was never going to happen naturally, but it had so now we was left with a huge dilemma. The boys were meant to be our future now. But it’s a 2 bedroom house.

It completely took the shine off what should have been the happiest time of our lives, Leanne’s family were also not fully invested into the joy with concern over what would happen to the boys.

After a few emotional discussions into the early mornings, exploring all possibilities, we ultimately decided to let social services know that we cannot be considered as long term placement if needed.

At this point and to this day, their mum is still waiting on her assessment to see if they can ever be returned.

We could not abort, we could not move as we have a small amount of debt that would prevent us getting a new mortgage for a much larger house.

March 9th, we visited the midwife who dated the pregnancy from Leanne’s last recorded period December 18th. A 12 week scan was booked for 21st March however she was told that she would be 13 weeks by then.

Sickness, tender breasts, the lot, this was all very real.

The wait for the 21st March seemed like forever.

The weekend prior, Leanne had very very light spotting and discharge which freaked us both out, quick call to the midwife and told not to worry, just come in if it’s heavy bleeding and she’s in pain.

On the 20th, I had a tattoo appointment, super excited and determined to bring some positivity to a stressed out wife, I get “Daddy” inked on my neck, at the neckline of a t shirt.  I was uncontrollably excited by this point.

Next morning we go in, soon called into the Ultrasound room, I bounce in rubbing my hands joking just the one please.

Monitor boots up, Leanne laid back with the biggest smile on her face unable to see the monitor.

I look up and the gestation sac is empty.

All life inside me just melted.

The midwife asked when we last took a pregnancy test, to which Leanne responded and was then asked if she would be happy to have an internal scan.

Whilst the midwife left the room I was in a daze, taking pictures of the screens.

Internal scan complete, we was simply told to get ourselves ready and we will be shown to the counselling room.

Both in tears, we was led away and left to sit in this room for half hour or so before another midwife appeared giving us 3 options.

Let it come out naturally.

Take medication to force it out which can be super painful.

Or surgery, which is a vacuum basically which sucks it out.

Period of silence followed and we was shown out the side door, absolutely devastated.

We sat in the car park at a complete loss. I had the announcement board ready to go, bought the little lamb rattle, we had it all planned and it was over.

After an hour we went home, packed our bags and basically ran away for the weekend leaving the boys with their Nan. We couldn’t face being “parents” surrounded by toys at this time.

Work were great, signed us both off with paid leave.

The weekend was spent crying, drinking, walking, crying.

We returned Monday, still an emotional mess but able to function at least.

The hospital rang asking if we had made a decision, on Tuesday Leanne booked the surgery for the Wednesday. That Tuesday night went to visit a friend who was questioning the dates, could they be wrong, is it earlier than we think, ask for a second scan to confirm.

On looking at the scan, the gestation sac was 1D 25mm, 2D 29mm and 3D 29mm. I’m googling sac sizes at 1am and see that is 8 weeks. 5 weeks earlier than what we was told.

Leanne’s now questioning if she forgot to record a period I said look, we’ll ask for a confirmation scan to be sure.

That morning, we go into SDEC (Same day emergency care), nurse calls us in, Leanne breaks down so I take over asking for a confirmation scan. They were great and said of course, booking us in for April 2nd.

I would have declined the 1st for obvious reasons.

We’re sat here now 99% believing we’ve lost the baby, however we need that 1% of doubt clearing away with this confirmation scan on Tuesday. Even a scan at an earlier date should have shown more than just the gestation sac and yolk sac.

I’m back to work on Monday, needing some normality back in my life, although Tuesday after the scan won’t be much fun.

This week that’s just gone, Wednesday 27th, the Boys mum had her assessment heard at panel, we’re now just waiting to hear from the social services to see how that went and would they be returned or not.

We have some difficult decisions ahead if she doesn’t, as now Leanne’s “oven has been warmed”, we’re desperate more than ever for our own little baby, yet fully aware Leanne turns 40 in a couple of months and I’m 42 myself.

It really needs to happen now, or not at all. Seeing Cameron Diaz having her second at 51 years old the other week, not sure how I feel as the old you get the more our bodies begin to tire and develop issues where running after children becomes more difficult.

All family options for the boys have been exhausted, so it’s either us, their mum or adoption. Being 2 and 3 they are the prime age to be adopted yet we would never see them again and that would f’in hurt, especially if me and Leanne are not successful in having our own.

I'm sharing this as men don't like to talk and when 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage, many men will have been in similar situations and struggle in silence. Whilst the woman will ultimately bare the most pain and need the most support, it still f'in hurts....a lot.

So yeah, coming on here reading how Paul Warne is a terrible football manager, being 2nd is pure luck and all the rest of the negative hyperbole just hasn’t been at the top of the list to absorb. 

More to life than football has never been more true.

You know the old saying though, behind every successful forum owner, behind him is a team of amazing moderators. Big thanks to them for carrying the load whilst I spend time supporting the wife.

[Loughborough Ram]

I wish you nothing but good times. You sound like the kind of people that will make the best of whatever comes your way and that will stand you in good stead.

Whatever happens use t this experience to make you stronger as a couple rather than drive you apart.

My heart goes out to you

[Stive Pesley]

That's a tough read, but all the best to you and thanks for sharing

All I can really say is that I became a father at 25 (relationship didn't work out) and then for a second time with Mrs Pesley when I was 40, so get the "too old" thoughts out of your head. 42 is not an unusual age to have kids these days. It's been absolutely fine. A bit more tiring sure, but just as rewarding, if not more so as I was in a much better place the second time around

Good luck whatever the future brings

[Kernow]

Sending all my love, mate. You know I’m here if you need to talk about anything 🤍🖤

[Cisse]

I wish you all the best. You have a lot to consider and it will be a stressful times for sure. One thing I advice you not to stress at this point so much is the size of your house. The kids will adapt so easily to the size of the house when they are little and there isn't a house too small to be filled with love.

 

 

[Bob The Badger]

We couldn't have kids either because I'm a total jaffa.

But I would imagine knowing that from the get-go is much easier to manage than what you have had to deal with.

All I can say is you have my best wishes, and you are lucky to have one another.

[Premier ram]

David, you had me in tears mate, been through this myself, look after each other and the kids , they need you, while it is still very raw , hopefully better times for all of you are round the corner , sending you all my heartfelt sympathy, love to you and Leanne and hope for the future, stay strong mate

[Alph]

David, that's overwhelming. Can only wish you the very very best. 

I hope you can draw strength from each other and those around you. 

[Anag Ram]

I have no words.

All I am left thinking is that you and Leanne sound exactly the type of people to be bringing up children, whether that’s your great nephews, your own or both.

 I found your story very moving and I really hope this story has a happy ending for you. 

Thank you for sharing it with us. 
 

[Mucker1884]

First off, go back to line 4, and ditch the word "Fault".  Ain't no place for that sort of talk in here!  

Secondly, big up to you for opening up on a public web page.  It ain't easy, but it is healthy!
I did the same (different forum) back in 2016 when it became apparent that our granddaughter was highly unlikely to survive to a live birth, due to a rare but full on ("Edwards") Syndrome.  (As it happened, given the odds we were given at the start, we took much solace from her making it through, and sharing a whole hour with us all, before taking her leave and heading for the stars.)
To this day, I have absolutely no regrets about going "public", and took great comfort from the best wishes (and subsequent condolences) from my "on-line friends".  Never bottle it up, and never be afraid of opening up, whether that be to professionals, close family, or even complete strangers on the internet.  

From this point, all we can do is offer our own best wishes to you both, and keep our fingers crossed for you.  Even the minutest of percentages have been known to be overcome. 🤞

It appears you pair are together as one.  Keep it that way, and you'll conquer anything and everything, regardless of how severe things may appear at any given moment.  Stay strong FOR each other... and WITH each other!

All the best to you both.
xxx

[Kinder]

Bloody hell David, that’s so tough mate. Thinking of you and Leanne and sending love.

[Mostyn6]

I don't have the words, but like others, I truly and sincerely wish all of you the best. 

[ThePrisoner]

All the best mate, utterly cannot comprehend how you're both feeling. Took some major cajones to say it out here and as eloquently as you did. 

"Follow all the doubt and sadness, I know that better things are on their way."

[The_Sheriff]

Hi David, extremely brave of you to tell your story.

I'm not quite so open publicly but I am going through the same thing. Our background stories are different but I can understand, at least to some degree, of how you are feeling.

Therefore I wish you all the best. Hopefully by one method or another we can both get some more Rams in the world :)

[B4’s Sister]

It might not change the situation but I hope sharing your story might have brought a small amount of relief. They will always be someone to listen on this forum. Sometimes families come together in unexpected ways. I wish you, Leanne and the boys all the best x 

[Ken Tram]

Your bit about the 1 in 4 statistic reinforces that it is a statistical thing.

We had three.

It is hard to keep trying if you fear that things will go wrong, but you sound determined ...

[Carl Sagan]

All the very best to you and Leanne. And to your great nephews. Life's sometimes heartbreaking and difficult, and often complicated. But then also filled with joy. And I hope yours are filled with much joy in the future. 

[Dean (hick) Saunders]

Best of luck. Puts everything into perspective..

Hope that everything works out for you.

[bcnram]

Big decision matey. If you are building a family love for the 2 & 3 year old children it would be tough to give that up, and tough for them if they get split into different families. Things have a habit of working out, there is nothing to beat a loving family environment,

 

[i-Ram]

@David wishing you and Leanne the very best as you ride your emotional rollercoaster 👍🐑

My situation is nothing in comparison, but it has been a difficult 12 months for both of my kids (29 and 31) with messy relationship breakups (fortunately no kids themselves), and we also lost our dog late in February. We, the wife and I, are still coming to terms with that loss. I post this not for any reason other than to say I agree there is much more to life than football. I had fallen out of love with football many years ago, and I think after the emotion of the club being saved I personally found last season an anti-climax. This season has bizarrely been unexciting for me, even though we have been riding high in the league. This is perhaps down to my age, the finding of other interests, and spending a lot more time offering love and support to my kids as they ‘rebuild’. Whilst I wish they hadn’t had the difficulties they have experienced, selfishly (perhaps) I am pleased to have been able to spend more quality time with them, making it more evident than ever to me that family and friendships are more important than overpaid young men kicking a back of wind about 😉

I still keep an eye on the games via this forum, and online viewing, and if we go up I suspect I will be thrilled and celebrate as hard as most on here. However, where I suspect I differ to many now is if we do fail at the final hurdle I won’t be down or too disappointed. It’s only football after all.