Bigfella Posted November 28, 2018 Share Posted November 28, 2018 I wanted to marry my old English teacher when she came out of prison but I’m told you can’t end a sentence with a proposition McRainy, Stive Pesley, Bwash_Ram and 1 other 1 2 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
King Kevin Posted December 3, 2018 Share Posted December 3, 2018 Think you have lived to be 75 and know who you are, then along comes someone and blows it all to the dickens... An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee. As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?' He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy.' She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.' The two sat sipping in silence. A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?' He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.' 1of4, DarkFruitsRam7, Norman and 2 others 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bwash_Ram Posted December 6, 2018 Share Posted December 6, 2018 I remember doing security at the Brits a few years back, when it all kicked off between Steps and Jamiroquai. I was the only thing between H and JK Alph, Steve How Hard?, Rev and 3 others 3 1 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mucker1884 Posted December 6, 2018 Share Posted December 6, 2018 1 hour ago, Bwash_Ram said: I remember doing security at the Brits a few years back, when it all kicked off between Steps and Jamiroquai. I was the only thing between H and JK I don't think it's particularly appropriate to be making fun of H from Steps, seeing as he's only recently deceased... Norman, Alph, Steve How Hard? and 3 others 1 1 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ThePrisoner Posted December 10, 2018 Share Posted December 10, 2018 Just seen a sign in Tesco’s saying Turkey for £29. That’s ahout £300 cheaper than Thomas Cook. admira and Steve How Hard? 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mucker1884 Posted December 11, 2018 Share Posted December 11, 2018 I have a bit of an irrational hatred for incorrect grammar, so recently paid (a not too cheap!) visit to the shrink. After 55 mins of telling him all about my troubles and woes, he patted me on the head, and said "There, Their, They're"! Bwash_Ram, angieram and Alph 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stive Pesley Posted December 13, 2018 Share Posted December 13, 2018 I once had a one night stand at the Helsinki Airport Hotel with an Air-hostess. The next morning I woke up, rolled over to give her a bit more Stivey-love but she had disappeared into Finnair Bwash_Ram, Steve How Hard? and sage 1 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GboroRam Posted December 13, 2018 Share Posted December 13, 2018 My grief counsellor died last night, but he was so good I don't give a crap. Alph and Stive Pesley 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bwash_Ram Posted December 13, 2018 Share Posted December 13, 2018 Harry Redknapp is reportedly earning £500,000 for his appearance on I’m A Celebrity which after tax works out as £500,000 Stive Pesley, IlsonDerby, I know nothing and 6 others 2 7 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
McRamFan Posted December 14, 2018 Share Posted December 14, 2018 True story... I told my mate that I was a big fan of Beyoncé. He said, “Whatever floats your boat..." I said, “No, that’s buoyancy!” ThePrisoner, Steve How Hard?, Parsnip and 3 others 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ThePrisoner Posted December 15, 2018 Share Posted December 15, 2018 A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00 A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40 A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15 These are the pie rates of the Caribbean. Steve How Hard?, Mick Brolly, i-Ram and 1 other 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brammie Steve Posted December 15, 2018 Share Posted December 15, 2018 I used to be apathetic, can’t be bothered anymore. See that girl, she’s anorexic. Gee Emily, you know everybody! Why did the chewing gum cross the road? Chicken trod in it! And... a really filthy foreign joke.... German treads in a cow pancake Ach..dung! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FindernRam Posted December 15, 2018 Share Posted December 15, 2018 Last night after wine, beer and a few shots, thought I'd leave the car at the pub. so I took a taxi to avoid the boys in blue. Anybody looking for a slightly dented yellow taxi they left in the Dung and Duck? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FindernRam Posted December 15, 2018 Share Posted December 15, 2018 A dog lover, whose female dog came "in heat," was concerned about keeping it and her male separated. But, she had a Large house However, as she was drifting off to sleep, she heard awful howling and moaning sounds. She rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together and unable to disengage, as frequently happens when dogs mate. Unable to separate them; perplexed as to what to do next, although it was very late at night, she called her vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice. After she explained the problem to him, the vet said, "Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw." "Do you think that will work?" she asked. "Just worked for me." he replied. froggg, Wolfie, mozza and 2 others 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parsnip Posted December 15, 2018 Share Posted December 15, 2018 40 minutes ago, steve brummie said: I used to be apathetic, can’t be bothered anymore. See that girl, she’s anorexic. Gee Emily, you know everybody! Why did the chewing gum cross the road? Chicken trod in it! And... a really filthy foreign joke.... German treads in a cow pancake Ach..dung! Wow the standard of comedy coming out of birmingham just gets... ...well, it's of a consistent standard. bigbadbob, Rev and Chester40 1 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brammie Steve Posted December 15, 2018 Share Posted December 15, 2018 Why don’t I have brothers and sisters mum? Blame Parsnip! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
King Kevin Posted December 15, 2018 Share Posted December 15, 2018 Little lad goes up to his dad and asks " dad what's the difference between realistically and theoretically" His dad thought for a minute ,son go and ask your mum if she would sleep with someone for a million pounds . The lad disappears comes back a minute later " dad she said she would ". Go and ask your sister the same question ,the little lad comes back "dad she said she would as well" Well then son theoretically we are millionaires, realistically we are living with two tarts. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parsnip Posted December 16, 2018 Share Posted December 16, 2018 He's not normally known for his one liners but i've just seen Jose Mourinho saying Man Utd can still finish 4th this season. Kept a straight face and everything! FindernRam 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
McRamFan Posted December 20, 2018 Share Posted December 20, 2018 There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read: Dear God, I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had £100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension cheque. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me? Sincerely, Edna The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few pounds. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected £96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends. Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened. It read: Dear God, How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift. By the way, there was £4 missing. I think it must have been those bar stewards at the Post Office ! ??? froggg 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chester40 Posted December 21, 2018 Share Posted December 21, 2018 Feeling rather pleased with myself, as I have been and bought the missus an artificial leg for Xmas. It’s not her main present..... just a stocking filler. Steve How Hard?, ThePrisoner, Bigfella and 2 others 1 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Create an account or sign in to comment
You need to be a member in order to leave a comment
Create an account
Sign up for a new account.
Register a new accountSign in
Already have an account? Sign in here.
Sign In Now