Bwash_Ram Posted November 21, 2018 Share Posted November 21, 2018 Sometimes you just cant win. I thought i would be a gentleman and hold the door open for a young lady 2 mins later she said " will you sod off, i am trying to have a dump" McRainy 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mucker1884 Posted November 21, 2018 Share Posted November 21, 2018 1 hour ago, Bwash_Ram said: Sometimes you just cant win. I thought i would be a gentleman and hold the door open for a young lady 2 mins later she said " will you sod off, i am trying to have a dump" I saw a rather attractive young woman approaching the door from inside, as I approached from outside, so I thought I'd try to impress by holding it open for her... but the bloody thing kept on revolving, and I lost two fingers! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mucker1884 Posted November 21, 2018 Share Posted November 21, 2018 (edited) 3 hours ago, Gritters said: When I was a kid you could go into your corner shop with £1 and come out with 2 cans of coke 5 mars bars a magazine and a bag of crisps. Now days there’s CCTV everywhere. It was those blocks of "raw" jelly for me... the only thing that wasn't in view of the convex mirror! LOL! Or rather... It could have been the blocks of "raw" jelly for me... had I been that way inclined Edited November 21, 2018 by Mucker1884 Absolutely no reason whatsoever! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FindernRam Posted November 21, 2018 Share Posted November 21, 2018 My boss said if I was anymore laid back I'd be countersunk! My Ma in Law said she was looking forward to dancing on my grave. I said fine I'm being buried at sea. Anyway she passed away yesterday of suffocation- she forgot to inhale when she was yelling at me. Define Accident: Mother in law slips into the pool. Define Tragedy: She can swim. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stive Pesley Posted November 21, 2018 Share Posted November 21, 2018 16 minutes ago, FindernRam said: My boss said if I was anymore laid back I'd be countersunk! My Ma in Law said she was looking forward to dancing on my grave. I said fine I'm being buried at sea. Anyway she passed away yesterday of suffocation- she forgot to inhale when she was yelling at me. Define Accident: Mother in law slips into the pool. Define Tragedy: She can swim. Frank Carson wants his joke book back ? Comrade 86 and I know nothing 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FindernRam Posted November 21, 2018 Share Posted November 21, 2018 10 minutes ago, StivePesley said: Frank Carson wants his joke book back ? I thought it was Les Dawson--Both great comics-unlike me. This is true though: There was a commissionaire at work, renowned for being seriously miserable. As he was the first face customers saw this was not good. Now some of us had been on an interpersonal skills course (reminds me why I like being retired). This came up with a theory that if you smiled at someone they wold be happy and a ripple effect would occur. Well every day we smiled and said something nice to him. Best we ever got was a grunt or "wheres your pass?" One day it was frosty and I slipped base over apex on the step. Papers everywhere. B*****d smiled then. Steve How Hard? and Stive Pesley 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
King Kevin Posted November 21, 2018 Share Posted November 21, 2018 Computer Logic A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine. 'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.' 'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.' A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'� � Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. � � Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation. � The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'), because: 1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic; 2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else; 3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and 4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it. � The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el computador'), because: 1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on; 2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves; 3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and 4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model. The women won. Comrade 86, angieram, Alph and 2 others 3 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
King Kevin Posted November 21, 2018 Share Posted November 21, 2018 A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost He reduced altitude and spotted a man below. He descended a bit more and shouted: 'Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am.' The man below replied, 'You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude.' 'You must be an Engineer,' said the balloonist. 'I am,' replied the man, 'how did you know?' 'Well,' answered the balloonist, 'everything you have told me is probably technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is, I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip by your talk.' The man below responded, 'You must be in Management.' 'I am,' replied the balloonist, 'but how did you know?' 'Well,' said the man, 'you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my ducking fault.' Comrade 86, DarkFruitsRam7 and froggg 1 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
McRainy Posted November 21, 2018 Share Posted November 21, 2018 59 minutes ago, StivePesley said: Frank Carson wants his joke book back ? The 1970s want their stereotypes back. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FindernRam Posted November 21, 2018 Share Posted November 21, 2018 3 hours ago, Lambchop said: The 1970s want their stereotypes back. Its not Stereo any more its 7.1 surround or maybe even more cstand 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WhiteHorseRam Posted November 21, 2018 Share Posted November 21, 2018 Why was the penguin good at surfing the internet? Because he had webbed feet. How did the penguin build his house? He igloo-ed it together There are some excellent jokes printed on each and every penguin* chocolate biscuit wrapper, a must read I think. Stuck in traffic on the M25 the other week with three employees for two hours, I ran through twelve of these jokes and everyone just loved them. (*Other chocolate coated biscuit treats are available.) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FindernRam Posted November 21, 2018 Share Posted November 21, 2018 Talking of old jokes I spent a few minutes today listening to some Bob Newhart monologues: The driving instructor Phone call from Walter Raleigh Bus Driver training Air traffic controller Hilarious and available on YouTube! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mucker1884 Posted November 21, 2018 Share Posted November 21, 2018 7 minutes ago, WhiteHorseRam said: Why was the penguin good at surfing the internet? Because he had webbed feet. How did the penguin build his house? He igloo-ed it together There are some excellent jokes printed on each and every penguin* chocolate biscuit wrapper, a must read I think. Stuck in traffic on the M25 the other week with three employees for two hours, I ran through twelve of these jokes and everyone just loved them. (*Other chocolate coated biscuit treats are available.) Employees, yer say? Not colleagues? They loved your jokes, yer say? Hmmm... rynny, Comrade 86, DarkFruitsRam7 and 2 others 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WhiteHorseRam Posted November 21, 2018 Share Posted November 21, 2018 1 minute ago, Mucker1884 said: Employees, yer say? Not colleagues? They loved your jokes, yer say? Hmmm... Congratulations - you spotted the dark dry joke below the penguin jokes. I'll bowl 'em and you hit 'em. Have a free penguin.? Mucker1884 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
King Kevin Posted November 21, 2018 Share Posted November 21, 2018 Rev and Steve How Hard? 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stive Pesley Posted November 22, 2018 Share Posted November 22, 2018 This one works well better the pub when you've been drinking Q. Why did the chicken cross the road? A. To go and see the idiot Knock Knock Who's there? The Chicken McRainy 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mucker1884 Posted November 22, 2018 Share Posted November 22, 2018 3 hours ago, StivePesley said: This one works well better the pub when you've been drinking Q. Why did the chicken cross the road? A. To go and see the idiot Knock Knock Who's there? The Chicken Well I first heard that back in '68... 13 years before I was even old enough to enter a pub, and I can assure you, it worked as well back then as anytime (or place) since. It's the Martini of the joke world... any time, any place! Stive Pesley 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bigfella Posted November 22, 2018 Share Posted November 22, 2018 My wife came into the room whilst I was on my iPad. “What are you looking at” she said ”I’m looking at cheap flights “ She said excitedly “that’s why I love you” and proceeded to make passionate love to me. Surprisingly up until that point I didn’t even know she liked darts Gritstone Ram, RoyMac5, Comrade 86 and 10 others 1 2 10 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bigfella Posted November 26, 2018 Share Posted November 26, 2018 There are 10 types of people - those that understand computers........... Animal is a Ram and rynny 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
angieram Posted November 27, 2018 Share Posted November 27, 2018 AmericanRam, rynny, RoyMac5 and 2 others 2 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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