New joke thread (trigger alert, may offend if you want it to)

[GboroRam]

Do you wear glasses and a mask? You may be entitled to condensation. 

[Bob The Badger]

[FindernRam]

Is it true Spiderman never washes because he can't get out of the bath?

If Batman can fly why does he need the Batmobile?

If Superman is sensitive to Kryptonite why doesn't he wear full PPE?

[Bwash_Ram]

[TimRam]

[1of4]

Why don't the other reindeers have a red nose like Rudolph.

 

It's because they can't stop as quick as him.

[Tamworthram]

2 hours ago, 1of4 said:

Why don't the other reindeers have a red nose like Rudolph.

 

It's because they can't stop as quick as him.

Not sure if it’s due to the glass of wine followed by a glass of whiskey but, you’ll have to explain this one to me ?

[uttoxram75]

1 hour ago, Tamworthram said:

Not sure if it’s due to the glass of wine followed by a glass of whiskey but, you’ll have to explain this one to me ?

Oooh, mixing grape and grain, you little tinker ??

I'm sticking to wine but I don't get it either ?

 

 

[1of4]

I started writing an explanation, but changed my mind.

I got the joke when I heard it last Christmas and that was after a glass of malt whisky, most of a bottle of Merlot and three or four glasses of port.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Seeing as it's the season of goodwill.

Just one hint then, think of reindeers in line, nose to tail, when pulling a sleigh

[uttoxram75]

14 minutes ago, 1of4 said:

I started writing an explanation, but changed my mind.

I got the joke when I heard it last Christmas and that was after a glass of malt whisky, most of a bottle of Merlot and three or four glasses of port.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Seeing as it's the season of goodwill.

Just one hint then, think of reindeers in line, nose to tail, when pulling a sleigh

Right, so Rudolph is in front?

?

[uttoxram75]

15 minutes ago, 1of4 said:

I started writing an explanation, but changed my mind.

I got the joke when I heard it last Christmas and that was after a glass of malt whisky, most of a bottle of Merlot and three or four glasses of port.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Seeing as it's the season of goodwill.

Just one hint then, think of reindeers in line, nose to tail, when pulling a sleigh

Big respect for your drinking habits although I would take a Malbec before a Merlot. ???

[Mucker1884]

Surely the red nose will be because he doesn’t stop in time, as in he smashes his nose in the ensuing collision?

Therefore it appears the others all manage to stop quicker than him?

Either way, as joke telling goes,  when you get into discussions like this, it’s time to call it a day, and consider a day job!  ?

[Tamworthram]

49 minutes ago, Mucker1884 said:

Surely the red nose will be because he doesn’t stop in time, as in he smashes his nose in the ensuing collision?

Therefore it appears the others all manage to stop quicker than him?

Either way, as joke telling goes,  when you get into discussions like this, it’s time to call it a day, and consider a day job!  ?

I think I get it now @1of4. Did the others have brown noses because of where there noses ended up?

The only thing worse than a bad joke is a bad joke you have to explain. ?

[Dimmu]

Not exactly new joke but a good one from Andy Carroll:

[cstand]

[Bob The Badger]

[TimRam]

[Mick Brolly]

[Ramslad1992]

On 17/12/2021 at 11:49, Bwash_Ram said:

Always wondered what ‘Bwash’ was short for! 

[admira]

1. Just covered my shoes in Bubble Wrap....... now popping to the shops. 

2. I could go on forever about how I change the colour of certain herbs............ but I dye cress
 
3. Highlight pens will be the next big craze.............mark my words!
 
4. I was so ugly when I was young my nickname was "Seaweed" cos not even the tide would take me out. 

5. My dad was a Siamese twin.........his brother was my uncle on my father's side, once removed.

6. Last time I went to Blackpool I rode on a donkey......…..took me two weeks to get there! 

7. They say that women prefer the strong silent type......….apparently this doesn't apply to farts though. 

8. My girlfriend accused me of cheating on her...................... I told her she was starting to sound just like my wife. 

9. It's 10 years today that my mate Dave came running down the corridor with tears streaming down his face, screaming "Its a boy, It's a boy!"............We haven't been back to Thailand since! 

10. I'm secretary of the Time Stealing Society.......I take the minutes. 

11. Did my first nude painting early this evening. The neighbours weren't happy, but the front door looks great!

12. I bought a book entitled “How To Scam People Online” about three months ago............. it still hasn’t arrived. 

13. Boris Jonson met with the cabinet today, he also spoke to the wardrobe and argued with a chest of drawers.

14. At school we were all a bit concerned about Sex Ed..........he was the Caretaker. 

15. This homeless bloke threatened to shove his newspaper up my arse........ I gave him £10 not to force the issue. 

16. Was in the pub the other night with my mates when these 4 huge thugs started threatening us. "Pretend we're the Police" my mate said. Well I'd only got halfway through the first verse of "Roxanne" before they kicked the poo out of us. 

17. Bought one of those Memory Foam pillows last week.....it's rubbish, I can't remember where I put it. 

18. A bloke stopped me in the street and asked why I was carrying an 8ft book.........I said “It's a long story.” 

19. Went to the doctors this morning with severe flatulence. As I sat in his room, he went and got a long pole with a hook on the end."Blimey, what's that for Doc'" I asked nervously. "Nothing to worry about" he said, "Just thought I'd open a window."
 
20. I had to dump my girlfriend, Lyndsey Doyle..........she smelt like a cricket bat