New joke thread (trigger alert, may offend if you want it to)

[Fraser_23]

Honestly can’t believe it’s almost pancake day!

That’s really creped up on us

[Kinder]

Paddy and Murphy fancy a pint but only have a Euro between them. Paddy goes off and buys a sausage. 
Murphy says “Are you mad? Now we're skint!” “Come on” says Paddy, “follow me.”
They go into the pub, order two pints and drink them before they pay. Paddy shoves the sausage through the flies of his jeans and tells Murphy to get down on his knees and suck it. The barman goes berserk and throws them out. 
10 pubs and 10 pints later Murphy says..
 “I cant do this any more, my knees are sore and I'm pissed.”
“How do you think I feel?” says Paddy, “I can't even remember which pub I lost the sausage in?!”

[sage]

On ‎23‎/‎01‎/‎2018 at 12:27, StivePesley said:

The boring answer is Camembert...

FTFY

[AmericanRam]

Chinese takeout $12

Gas to pick it up $3

Getting home to discover the ******** have forgot to put one of the containers in...

Riceless.

[admira]

A tramp walks in a bar. ‘Get out’ says the barman. ‘If I can show you a cool trick can I stay and have a pint’ ‘Okay’ says the barman. 
The tramp pulls a hamster out of his pocket and a small piano. He puts them on the bar and the hamster starts playing the piano.
‘Wow! that’s amazing here’s a pint. ‘Any more tricks?’ says the barman. 
The tramp pulls a frog out of his pocket, puts it on the bar and it starts to sing. 
A man seeing this offers the tramp £300 for the frog. ‘Ok’ says the tramp. He takes the frog and goes. ‘What did you do that for? A singing frog is worth far more than that. ‘Not really’ says the tramp
‘Why not?’ says the barman
The tramp replies ‘The hamster is a ventriloquist’.

[Gritstone Ram]

Bloody women!!! I booked a table for tonight for me and the missus for valentines day and It turns out she doesn't like snooker.

[ThePrisoner]

Sad news today. After years of medical training and hard work, a mate of mine has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients so can no longer work in the profession. What a waste of time and effort. A genuinely nice guy, and a brilliant vet.

[Stive Pesley]

18 hours ago, Gritters said:

Bloody women!!! I booked a table for tonight for me and the missus for valentines day and It turns out she doesn't like snooker.

This year was the first year I've never received a Valentine;s Day card.

Every year since I can remember I've had a card from a secret admirer, but not this year

I feel awful - first my Nan dies and then this...

[AmericanRam]

A man gets pulled over for speeding.

 

The police officer approaches the drivers door.

"Is there a problem, Officer?"

The officer says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your license please?"

The driver responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."

"You don't have one?"

The man responds, "I lost it four times for drunk driving."

The officer is shocked. "I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?"

"I'm sorry, I can't do that."

The officer says, "Why not?"

"I stole this car."

The officer says, "Stole it?"

The man says, "Yes, and I killed the owner."

At this point the officer is getting irate. "You what?"

"She's in the trunk if you want to see."

The officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. Another officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half-drawn gun.

This officer says, "Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!"

The man steps out of his vehicle. "Is there a problem, sir?"

"One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner."

"Murdered the owner?"

The officer responds, "Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car please?"

The man opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

The officer says, "Is this your car sir?"

The man says, "Yes" and hands over the registration papers.

The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. "One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license."

The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled. "Thank you, sir. One of my officers told me you didn't have a license, stole this car, and murdered the owner."

The man replies, "I bet you the lying ******* told you I was speeding, too!"

[McRainy]

Collie: 30 sheep, present and correct. 

Shepherd: I only have 28. 

Collie: I rounded them up. 

[AmericanRam]

Brian, the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make, is taking a stroll down his local high street. As he passes by the record shop, a sign catches his eye. "Just Released - New LP - Wasps of the World & the sounds that they make - available now"

 

Unable to resist the temptation, Brian goes into the shop. "I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make. I'd very much like to listen to the new LP you have advertised in the window."

 

"Certainly, Sir," says the young man behind the counter. "If you'd like to step into the booth and put on the headphones, I'll put the LP on for you."

 

Brian, the world's leading expert on European wasps, goes into the booth and puts on the earphones.

Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth and announces, "I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make and yet I recognized none of those."

"I'm sorry Sir," says the young assistant. "If you'd care to step into the booth, I can let you have another 10 minutes."

 

Brian, the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds they make, steps back into the booth and replaces the headphones. Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth shaking his head. "I don't understand it," he says, "I am the worlds leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make, and yet I still can't recognise any of those!"

 

"I really am terribly sorry," says the young assistant, "I've just realised I was playing you the bee side!"

[admira]

England v Ireland March 17 St Patrick’s Day Twickenham
This may be of interest to one of you. A friend of mine has two tickets in a corporate box for England v Ireland 17th Mar. He paid £300 each, but he didn't realise when he bought them months ago that it was going to be the same day as his wedding. If you are interested, he is looking for someone to take his place.
It's at Marylebone Registry Office, at 4.30pm. The bride's name is Nicole -- she's 5'4", about 8 stone, quite pretty, has her own income and is a really good cook.

[Steve How Hard?]

2 hours ago, admira said:

England v Ireland March 17 St Patrick’s Day Twickenham
This may be of interest to one of you. A friend of mine has two tickets in a corporate box for England v Ireland 17th Mar. He paid £300 each, but he didn't realise when he bought them months ago that it was going to be the same day as his wedding. If you are interested, he is looking for someone to take his place.
It's at Marylebone Registry Office, at 4.30pm. The bride's name is Nicole -- she's 5'4", about 8 stone, quite pretty, has her own income and is a really good cook.

I nearly fell for that. It was only when I realised you'd said 'really good cook.' If it had said what I thought it did, then had have been there with bells on. 

[Hermanshire]

How can you tell if a car is spanish?
The gear box is Manuel

[GboroRam]

6 minutes ago, Hermanshire said:

How can you tell if a car is spanish?
The gear box is Manuel

What do you call a Mexican who's lost his car?

Carlos.

[GboroRam]

[Gritstone Ram]

Two men have been arrested for eating parts of a car.

One was eating the battery and the other was eating some seized brakes.

Police later said one had been charged and the other released. 

 

I'll get my coat.

Edited February 24, 2018 by Gritters

[Inglorius]

Two nun's sitting on a park bench when a streaker ran past.  One had a stroke the other couldn't quite reach.

[AmericanRam]

Boy George has been arrested after his pet reptile attacked several members of the public.

He really needs a calmer chameleon.

[admira]

A drunk man who smelled of  beer sat down on a subway next to a priest.

The man's  tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. 

He opened his  newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to  the priest and asked, "Say Father, what causes  arthritis?"

The priest replies, "My Son, it's   caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your  fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a  bath."

The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be damned”,  then returned to his  paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologised. "I'm  very sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had  arthritis?"

The drunk answered, "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here  that the  Pope does."