New joke thread (trigger alert, may offend if you want it to)

[AmericanRam]

Sad news from the Nestle factory today.

A worker was crushed beneath a large box of chocolate that fell 20 feet off some racking on to him. 

 

He repeatedly called for help, but every time he shouted “The Milky Bars are on me”, his colleagues cheered. 

 

 

[Guest]

Lieutenant to Private "I didn't see you at camouflage training this morning Smith".  Private to Lieutenant "thank you sir"

[King Kevin]

A man asked an old Indian the name of his wife ."three horse he replied "

That's an unusual name replied the man is there a special meaning behind it .

Yes replied the old Indian  nag ,nag, nag.

[SSD]

Q: Is Google male or female?

 

A: Female, because it doesn't let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion.

 

 

[Guest]

I went into Curry's but they said they didn't sell curry. I went into Selfridge's but they said they didn't se.............. 

[Guest]

You think swimming with dolphins is expensive. I went swimming with sharks and it cost me an arm and a leg 

[AmericanRam]

Charles Dicken's "A Tale of Two Cities" was first serialised in 2 local papers.

It was the Bicester Times, it was the Worcester Times.

Edited March 10, 2018 by AmericanRam

[Guest]

Ken Dodd joke. Man knocked on the door of the Kremlin. "Is Len in?"

[AmericanRam]

Did you hear about the fire at the circus?

It was in tents.

[King Kevin]

Why Some Men Have Dogs And Not Wives:

 

 

1.  The later you are, the more excited your dog is to see you.

2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.

3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.

4. A dog's parents never visit.

5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.

7. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.

8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.

9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, 'If I died, would you get another dog?'

10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.

11. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.

12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.

13. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.

And last, but not least:

14. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.

[King Kevin]

A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.

'I don't want to know,' the child said, bursting into tears.  'Promise me you won't tell me.' 

Confused, the father asked what was wrong.

The boy sobbed, 'When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech.

 

 At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech. 
 

 When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech. 
 

 If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really shag, I'll have nothing left to live for.' 

  

[King Kevin]

This has got to be one of the cleverest
E-mails I've received in a while. 
Someone out there 
must be "deadly" at Scrabble.
(Wait till you see the last one)!   

  

PRESBYTERIAN: 
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER 

  

ASTRONOMER: 
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER 

  

DESPERATION:   
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT 

  

THE EYES:  
When you rearrange the letters: 
THEY SEE 

  

GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters: 
HE BUGS GORE 

  

THE MORSE CODE:
When you rearrange the letters: 
HERE COME DOTS 

  
DORMITORY: 
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM 

SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters: 
CASH LOST IN ME 

  

ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY 

  

ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters: 
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT 

  

SNOOZE ALARMS: 
When you rearrange the letters: 
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S 

  

A DECIMAL POINT: 
When you rearrange the letters:
I'M A DOT IN PLACE 

  

THE EARTHQUAKES: 
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE 

  

ELEVEN PLUS TWO: 
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE 

  


AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE: 


MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters: 
WOMAN HITLER 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Guest]

Or Spiro Agnew = grow a penis

[maxjam]

I've had an idea for a new joke, just gotta spend the next 6 months training my pug...

[Guest]

A man stopped me this morning and asked for the time. He was from British Gas so I said "between 8am and 1 pm"

[Guest]

What does an Italian schoolboy and a Derby schoolboy say when they get home?      Mamma Mia!

[Mr. P]

 

[AmericanRam]

David Hasselhoff is thinking of changing his surname to just ‘Hoff’.

 

He can’t be bothered with the hassel anymore.

 

[Guest]

Essex girl driving her sports car. Has a bad crash, covered in blood. Paramedic arrives and says "what's your name"? "Tracy" she says  

"Well Tracy, can you tell me where you're bleeding from?"

"Romford mate"

 

 

 

[SSD]

My grandad has the heart of the lion and a ban from the zoo