Jump to content

New joke thread (trigger alert, may offend if you want it to)


admira

Recommended Posts

37 minutes ago, admira said:

 
13 At B&Q this morning my wife got a ladder in her tights...........she's an amazing shop lifter! 
 

As she's not the official owner, I think that means they aren't her real ladders.  They are step-ladders.  

Edited by Mucker1884
Link to comment
Share on other sites

2 hours ago, admira said:

1 Everyone in my village wears jumpers that are two sizes too  small......in fact, we're a very tight knit community 
 
2 I filled Grandad's inhaler with Nitrous Oxide before he went to the Nat West this morning ........He was laughing all the way to the bank. 
 
3 I got scammed by a Nigerian prince yesterday............his version of 'Purple Rain' was dreadful. 
 
4 I don't get out very often these days......probably cos my cricket bat is 3 foot wide. 
 
5 I was really surprised by the quality of the intricate tattoo I got in Madrid......No one expects the Spanish ink precision. 
 
6 My wife has joined a self-help group for people who talk way too much........ It’s called ‘On & On Anon’. 
 
7 I bought a car from the dwarf at my local athletics club ........ Great little runner. 
 
8 Welcome to 'Owning up to Flatulence Club',But I warn you, it's not for the 'ain't farted'. 
 
9 I still retain my membership of the local Constipation  Club........... even though I haven't been for ages. 
 
10 I've decided to form a Christmas choir. Anyone is welcome to join.........So far, it’s just Dean, Don, Mary, Lee and I. 
 
11 I wanted to have a shower like Frank Sinatra........ so I faced the vinyl curtain. 
 
12 Asked the girl in Waterstones for a book by Shakespeare." "Certainly sir, 'which one?'" she asked..............'William,' I replied. 
 
13 At B&Q this morning my wife got a ladder in her tights...........she's an amazing shop lifter! 
 
14 Took my grandad to one of those fish spas where little fish eat the dead skin. It took ages and cost £95.......but it was still a lot cheaper than a funeral… 
 
15 The doctor just told me that I may have had Laryngitis for maybe about two weeks...........roughly speaking. 
 
16 The man who invented the Speed Boat has died, his funeral is next Thursday....... followed by a large wake. 
 
17 I just got called unsavoury........I've never been so unsalted in all my life. 
 
18 I've been made secretary of the Time Stealing Society.......I take the minutes. 
 
19 I never knew my father as a child.......which is hardly surprising as he was in his late twenties when I was born. 
 
20 I'm currently slap bang wallop, in the middle of a book about sound effects.

Who got a Tim Vine joke book for Christmas then, some of them are brilliant mate

Link to comment
Share on other sites

10 hours ago, Comrade 86 said:

Here you go Miggs.

image.thumb.png.82a45cec95080a95f04ac7318bf39323.png

For future reference: 'control x' = COPY, control v = paste or tap and hold then select option when using a tablet or phone

It's a sad day when the artist for the joke can only get a Dromedary who's had his hump run over by a motorbike to replace a Camel

Link to comment
Share on other sites

4 hours ago, Ram-Alf said:

It's a sad day when the artist for the joke can only get a Dromedary who's had his hump run over by a motorbike to replace a Camel

Come now Alf, I'm sure you know that's a Bactrian camel, not a Dromedary, also known as, Camelus Bactrianus, or the Mongolian Camel. He looks rather thirsty too though, poor thing! 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

7 hours ago, Comrade 86 said:

Come now Alf, I'm sure you know that's a Bactrian camel, not a Dromedary, also known as, Camelus Bactrianus, or the Mongolian Camel. He looks rather thirsty too though, poor thing! 

I rest my case, These were found stuck to it's hoofs image.png.d8f38ff6f1c725269834e5b2cfc50057.png 😁

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account.

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
×
×
  • Create New...