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New joke thread (trigger alert, may offend if you want it to)


admira

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1 Everyone in my village wears jumpers that are two sizes too  small......in fact, we're a very tight knit community 
 
2 I filled Grandad's inhaler with Nitrous Oxide before he went to the Nat West this morning ........He was laughing all the way to the bank. 
 
3 I got scammed by a Nigerian prince yesterday............his version of 'Purple Rain' was dreadful. 
 
4 I don't get out very often these days......probably cos my cricket bat is 3 foot wide. 
 
5 I was really surprised by the quality of the intricate tattoo I got in Madrid......No one expects the Spanish ink precision. 
 
6 My wife has joined a self-help group for people who talk way too much........ It’s called ‘On & On Anon’. 
 
7 I bought a car from the dwarf at my local athletics club ........ Great little runner. 
 
8 Welcome to 'Owning up to Flatulence Club',But I warn you, it's not for the 'ain't farted'. 
 
9 I still retain my membership of the local Constipation  Club........... even though I haven't been for ages. 
 
10 I've decided to form a Christmas choir. Anyone is welcome to join.........So far, it’s just Dean, Don, Mary, Lee and I. 
 
11 I wanted to have a shower like Frank Sinatra........ so I faced the vinyl curtain. 
 
12 Asked the girl in Waterstones for a book by Shakespeare." "Certainly sir, 'which one?'" she asked..............'William,' I replied. 
 
13 At B&Q this morning my wife got a ladder in her tights...........she's an amazing shop lifter! 
 
14 Took my grandad to one of those fish spas where little fish eat the dead skin. It took ages and cost £95.......but it was still a lot cheaper than a funeral… 
 
15 The doctor just told me that I may have had Laryngitis for maybe about two weeks...........roughly speaking. 
 
16 The man who invented the Speed Boat has died, his funeral is next Thursday....... followed by a large wake. 
 
17 I just got called unsavoury........I've never been so unsalted in all my life. 
 
18 I've been made secretary of the Time Stealing Society.......I take the minutes. 
 
19 I never knew my father as a child.......which is hardly surprising as he was in his late twenties when I was born. 
 
20 I'm currently slap bang wallop, in the middle of a book about sound effects.

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