New joke thread (trigger alert, may offend if you want it to)

[Bob The Badger]

A Dalmatian - not sure if it's entirely faithful to the idea doing this but I'm a rebel.

[Bwash_Ram]

I think we need to wait for @sage to start a dedicated thread or this could clog up this one too much.

[Stive Pesley]

[admira]

When my wife left me, she took all my Kevin Bacon DVDs and all my small French cakes........well, at least I'm now Footloose and Fancy free.

[Bob The Badger]

 

[Ram-Alf]

The Son is driving his Policeman Father to work, While driving down the road the Son almost runs a load of monkeys over, Son and Father manage to get all the monkeys in the car, Father says...take them to the Zoo, A couple of hours later the Son is driving down the road and his Father sees him, Stops him and Shouts...I TOLD YOU TO TAKE THOSE MONKEYS TO THE ZOO, I did says the Son, Now I'm taking them Bowling.

[Bwash_Ram]

[Stive Pesley]

I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it

[Ram-Alf]

I saw my mate yesterday, Again he's wearing some of the most colourful T shirts I'd ever seen, So I asked him...where do you get them from, Peru he said, PERU?, Yes I catch a flight from Heathrow, Taxi from Peru airport to the camel stables where I hire a camel, Trek for 2 days, Leave the Camel at the gorge, Walk across the rickety bridge, Climb a long and winding road until at the top of the hill, At the top of the hill is an old cabin, I go into the cabin and there's the man, He gets them for me from the internet. 

[Bob The Badger]

18 hours ago, Unlucky Alf said:

I saw my mate yesterday, Again he's wearing some of the most colourful T shirts I'd ever seen, So I asked him...where do you get them from, Peru he said, PERU?, Yes I catch a flight from Heathrow, Taxi from Peru airport to the camel stables where I hire a camel, Trek for 2 days, Leave the Camel at the gorge, Walk across the rickety bridge, Climb a long and winding road until at the top of the hill, At the top of the hill is an old cabin, I go into the cabin and there's the man, He gets them for me from the internet. 

[Ram-Alf]

5 minutes ago, Bob The Badger said:

When I heard it 40 years ago...it got me, What's the Internet I asked ?

[admira]

Snow White, Tom Thumb and Quasimodo are sitting in a pub with their mates.
Snow White says, "There's no doubt about it, I'm the fairest in the land."

Tom thumb says, "There's no doubt about it, I'm the smallest in the land."

Quasimodo says, "There's no doubt about it, I'm the ugliest in the land."

Their mates tell them to prove it by going to the magic all-knowing mirror, and the three head off.

A few minutes later, the door of the pub bursts open and Snow White runs in and says, "It's official...I'm the fairest in the land!"

Shortly afterwards, the door again bursts open and Tom Thumb runs in and shouts, "It's official...I'm the smallest in the land!"

Five minutes later, the door gets kicked in and Quasimodo storms in and bellows, "Who the feck is  Steve Cooper?

[Premier ram]

19 hours ago, Unlucky Alf said:

I saw my mate yesterday, Again he's wearing some of the most colourful T shirts I'd ever seen, So I asked him...where do you get them from, Peru he said, PERU?, Yes I catch a flight from Heathrow, Taxi from Peru airport to the camel stables where I hire a camel, Trek for 2 days, Leave the Camel at the gorge, Walk across the rickety bridge, Climb a long and winding road until at the top of the hill, At the top of the hill is an old cabin, I go into the cabin and there's the man, He gets them for me from the internet. 

 

 

                                                                         

[Mucker1884]

23 hours ago, Unlucky Alf said:

I saw my mate yesterday, Again he's wearing some of the most colourful T shirts I'd ever seen, So I asked him...where do you get them from, Peru he said, PERU?, Yes I catch a flight from Heathrow, Taxi from Peru airport to the camel stables where I hire a camel, Trek for 2 days, Leave the Camel at the gorge, Walk across the rickety bridge, Climb a long and winding road until at the top of the hill, At the top of the hill is an old cabin, I go into the cabin and there's the man, He gets them for me from the internet. 

Ba.  Dum.  oh...

[angieram]

 

[admira]

[RoyMac5]

[BaaLocks]

The value of the pound has fallen so much overnight that the rapper "50 Cent" is thinking of changing his name to "Quid".

[i-Ram]

3 hours ago, BaaLocks said:

The value of the pound has fallen so much overnight that the rapper "50 Cent" is thinking of changing his name to "Quid".

Everything’s going in the wrong direction. I went to the shop today for my usual 4 cans of chilled cola, and the shop keeper told me I only had enough money for a warm Tupac and an Ice Cube.

[Scott129]

My son is four years old and has recently been learning Spanish. He's really good but just can't quite seem to grasp the word for 'please'.

Which I think is poor for four.