New joke thread (trigger alert, may offend if you want it to)

[Stive Pesley]

I'm building a new factory to manufacture vibrators

Asked the bank for a business loan and my bank manager questioned whether there was enough demand for my product to warrant a whole factory

I told him - If i build it....they will come

[FindernRam]

To relieve boredom:

Every Saturday I send my neighbour Tony, flowers with message: "I miss you lots"

Then I sit in the back garden with a beer and listen to his wife give him the third degree.

[King Kevin]

     Apparently, this is a real reply from the UK Inland Revenue. The
Guardian newspaper had to ask for special permission to print it.  The
funniest part of this is imagining the content of the letter sent to
the Tax Office which prompted this reply!




     Dear Mr ---------

     I am writing to you to express our thanks for your more than
prompt reply to our latest communication, and also to answer some of
the points you raise.   I will address them, as ever, in order.

     Firstly, I must take issue with your description of our last as
a "begging letter".    It might perhaps more properly be referred to
as a "tax demand".    This is how we at the Inland Revenue have
always,  for reasons of accuracy,  traditionally referred to such
documents.

     Secondly, your frustration at our adding to the "endless stream
of crapulent whining and panhandling vomited daily through the
letterbox on to the doormat" has been noted.    However, whilst I have
naturally not seen the other letters to which you refer I would
cautiously suggest that their being from "pauper councils, Lombardy
pirate banking houses and pissant gas-mongerers"  might indicate that
your decision to  "file them next to the toilet in case of
emergencies"  is at best a little ill-advised.    In common with my
own organisation,  it is unlikely that the senders of these letters do
see you as a "lackwit bumpkin" or, come to that, a "sodding charity".
 More likely they see you as a citizen of Great Britain , with a
responsibility to contribute to the upkeep of the nation as a whole.

     Which brings me to my next point.   Whilst there may be some
spirit of truth in your assertion that the taxes you pay  "go to shore
up the canker-blighted, toppling folly that is the Public Services",
a moment's rudimentary calculation ought to disabuse you of the notion
that the government in any way expects you to "stump up for the whole
damned party"  yourself.    The estimates you provide for the
Chancellor's disbursement of the funds levied by taxation,  whilst
colourful,  are,  in fairness,  a little off the mark.     Less than
you seem to imagine is spent on "junkets for Bunterish lickspittles"
and  "dancing whores"  whilst far more than you have accounted for is
allocated to,  for example,  "that box-ticking facade of a university
system."

     A couple of technical points arising from direct queries:

     1. The reason we don't simply write  "Muggins" on the envelope
has to do with the vagaries of the postal system;

     2. You can rest assured that  "sucking the very marrow of those
with nothing else to give"  has never been considered as a practice
because even if the Personal Allowance didn't render it irrelevant,
the sheer medical logistics involved would make it financially
unviable.

     I trust this has helped.   In the meantime,  whilst I would not
in any way wish to influence your decision one way or the other,  I
ought to point out that even if you did choose to  "give the whole
foul jamboree up and go and live in India "  you would still owe us
the money.

     Please send it to us by Friday.

     Yours sincerely,
     ---------
     Customer Relations
     Inland Revenue

[King Kevin]

[Turk Thrust]

I bought 12 bees from a beekeeper. He gave 13. I told him he'd given one too many but he said "that one's a freebie "

[rynny]

Stationary building? As opposed to those that move? 

 

[Steve How Hard?]

9 minutes ago, rynny said:

Stationary building? As opposed to those that move? 

 

WH Smiths? ?‍♂️

[rynny]

25 minutes ago, Steve How Hard? said:

WH Smiths? ?‍♂️

[RamNut]

My cousin did that, went through a shop front for no apparent reason.

Edited May 29, 2020 by RamNut

[FindernRam]

11 hours ago, rynny said:

Stationary building? As opposed to those that move?

Endless static Caravans being dragged up the motorway.

 

[angieram]

[Ramslad1992]

15 hours ago, RamNut said:

My cousin did that, went through a shop front for no apparent reason.

Am I missing the joke? 

[FindernRam]

Define Old:

When you fall over and people laugh you're still young.  When they panic and race over you are old!

When you drop something and think "Do I actually need this anymore"

Buying slippers with memory foam so you'll never forget why you went in the kitchen.

[King Kevin]

I dialed a number and got the following recording:** **

"I am not available right now, but

Thank you for caring enough to call.

I am making some changes in my life.

Please leave a message after the

Beep. If I do not return your call,

You are one of the changes."

**************************************************

 

A small Boy wrote to Santa Claus," send me a brother."

Santa wrote back, "SEND ME YOUR MOTHER."

**************************************************

 

What is the definition of Mistress?

Someone between the Mister and Mattress.

**************************************************

 

What's the difference between stress, tension and panic?*

Stress is when wife is pregnant,*

Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant,*

and Panic is when both are pregnant.*

**************************************************

 

A woman asks man who is traveling with six children,

"Are all these kids yours?"*

The man replies, "No, I work in a condom factory and these

are customer complaints".

**************************************************

 

A young boy asks his Dad, "What is the difference between confident and confidential?"*

Dad says, "You are my son, I'm confident about that.

Your friend over there, is also my son, that's confidential."

**************************************************

 

Nominated as the best short joke this year...

A three-year-old boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath.

Mom" he asked, "are these my brains?"

"Not yet," she replied.

 

 

[Stive Pesley]

Thanks to the new government guidelines, only six of the seven dwarfs can get together.

 

One of them won't be happy.

[Turk Thrust]

I met my wife in Spain. I said " what are you doing here? Who's looking after the kids?"

[King Kevin]

Found out my grief counselor has died ,he was that good I don't give a toss.

[Anag Ram]

33 minutes ago, King Kevin said:

Found out my grief counselor has died ,he was that good I don't give a toss.

Have a like from a grief counsellor! 

[TramRam]

Tiger Woods is playing golf with a man from Kilburn in Derbyshire

Tiger Tees off 1st and lands 12 feet from the hole

Kilburn Tees off and hits a hole in one

Tiger turns to Kilburn Man and says "nice Tee Shot"

Kilburn Man looks at his shirt and says "Cheers Yoth"

[GboroRam]

On 13/12/2018 at 09:44, GboroRam said:

My grief counsellor died last night, but he was so good I don't give a crap. 

This thread is full of duplicates.