New joke thread (trigger alert, may offend if you want it to)

[maxjam]

[GboroRam]

[EtoileSportiveDeDerby]

Not a joke as such but quite amusing me think

On Saturday in the away end there was this sweet little girl (10ish I think, might have been  boy, not sure) who  wrote various messages on her school books and held it in the air towards the south stand to read. Here is a sample of her home work when  it started to unravel for QPR, after conceding 2 goals in a minute:

“QPR till I die”  So far so good

”You ‘ll be the ones crying in a minute”  showing some signs of frustration

and then the clincher, “F##k off Derby”

Full marks for grammar and spelling, teachers will be proud.

[angieram]

[Anag Ram]

Three men are marooned on an island desperately seeking a way to get off. 
A cannibal approaches them and flops his penis out. 'If the length of your three penises together is as big as mine, then I'll show you how to get off the island. Otherwise you'll be killed and eaten.' The native's nob was an incredible 20 inches. 

Getting off to a good start, the first man shows off his impressive 10 inches. The second man produces a 9-inch dick. Feeling confident, they urge the third man to get his tackle out. He does so and reveals just one inch of manhood. After some nail-biting calculations the cannibal says, 'Okay fellas, you've managed to come up with the goods: I'll let you use my boat to escape'. 

As they were sailing to safety, the first bloke mentions how lucky they are that he's so well endowed. Likewise, the second bloke suggests that they are truly blessed at the length, of his schlong. The third guy pipes up ' ... and you're damn lucky I had an erection!'

[angieram]

[Bob The Badger]

[Foreveram]

9 minutes ago, Bob The Badger said:

They use Hayssssssss Travel.

[Turk Thrust]

I’m addicted to eating seaweed. Should I sea kelp?

[Bob The Badger]

[Tamworthram]

[TimRam]

[Stive Pesley]

Anyone else remember Steven Wright - the deadpan US comedian - godfather of the wordplay/one-liner style of Tim Vine/Milton Jones?

1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.
3 - Half the people you know are below average.
4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.
9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.
10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, ..... But she left me before we met.
12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?
13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.
19 - I intend to live forever ... So far, so good.
20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name
25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.
34 - If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
35 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

[Stive Pesley]

Three engineering students were gathered together, discussing the possible designers of the human body.

One said, “It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints!”

Another said, “No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections.”

The last one said, “No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through the recreational area?”