New joke thread (trigger alert, may offend if you want it to)

[admira]

Let's start with the winners of best joke at this year's Edinburgh Festival. There's some crackers on here. 

1. "I'm not a fan of the new pound coin, but then again, I hate all change" - Ken Cheng

2. "Trump's nothing like Hitler. There's no way he could write a book" - Frankie Boyle

3. "I've given up asking rhetorical questions. What's the point?" - Alexei Sayle

4. "I'm looking for the girl next door type. I'm just gonna keep moving house till I find her" - Lew Fitz

5. "I like to imagine the guy who invented the umbrella was going to call it the 'brella'. But he hesitated" - Andy Field

6. "Combine Harvesters. And you'll have a really big restaurant" - Mark Simmons

7. "I'm rubbish with names. It's not my fault, it's a condition. There's a name for it..." - Jimeoin

8. "I have two boys, 5 and 6. We're no good at naming things in our house" - Ed Byrne

9. "I wasn't particularly close to my dad before he died... which was lucky, because he trod on a land mine" - Olaf Falafel

10. "Whenever someone says, 'I don't believe in coincidences.' I say, 'Oh my God, me neither!"' - Alasdair Beckett-King

11. "A friend tricked me into going to Wimbledon by telling me it was a men's singles event" - Angela Barnes

12. "As a vegan, I think people who sell meat are disgusting; but apparently people who sell fruit and veg are grocer" - Adele Cliff 

13. "For me dying is a lot like going camping. I don't want to do it" - Phil Wang

14. "I wonder how many chameleons snuck onto the Ark" - Adam Hess

15. "I went to a Pretenders gig. It was a tribute act" - Tim Vine

Edited February 14, 2022 by Boycie

[eddie]

Australian terror plan to hide plane bomb in Barbie revealed.

Which insane person thought that building a barbecue on an aeroplane was a good idea?

Eddie.

[Sith Happens]

On 22/08/2017 at 06:55, eddie said:

Australian terror plan to hide plane bomb in Barbie revealed.

Which insane person thought that building a barbecue on an aeroplane was a good idea?

Eddie.

I don't know but I bet the authorities gave them a right grilling.

[McRamFan]

On ‎22‎/‎08‎/‎2017 at 06:55, eddie said:

Australian terror plan to hide plane bomb in Barbie revealed.

Which insane person thought that building a barbecue on an aeroplane was a good idea?

Eddie.

Was it a spitroast barbie?

[ColonelBlimp]

Is this a New Joke Thread or a New Joke Thread?

[Parsnip]

On 22/08/2017 at 05:32, admira said:

Let's start with the winners of best joke at this year's Edinburgh Festival. There's some crackers on here. 

1. "I'm not a fan of the new pound coin, but then again, I hate all change" - Ken Cheng

2. "Trump's nothing like Hitler. There's no way he could write a book" - Frankie Boyle

3. "I've given up asking rhetorical questions. What's the point?" - Alexei Sayle

4. "I'm looking for the girl next door type. I'm just gonna keep moving house till I find her" - Lew Fitz

5. "I like to imagine the guy who invented the umbrella was going to call it the 'brella'. But he hesitated" - Andy Field

6. "Combine Harvesters. And you'll have a really big restaurant" - Mark Simmons

7. "I'm rubbish with names. It's not my fault, it's a condition. There's a name for it..." - Jimeoin

8. "I have two boys, 5 and 6. We're no good at naming things in our house" - Ed Byrne

9. "I wasn't particularly close to my dad before he died... which was lucky, because he trod on a land mine" - Olaf Falafel

10. "Whenever someone says, 'I don't believe in coincidences.' I say, 'Oh my God, me neither!"' - Alasdair Beckett-King

11. "A friend tricked me into going to Wimbledon by telling me it was a men's singles event" - Angela Barnes

12. "As a vegan, I think people who sell meat are disgusting; but apparently people who sell fruit and veg are grocer" - Adele Cliff 

13. "For me dying is a lot like going camping. I don't want to do it" - Phil Wang

14. "I wonder how many chameleons snuck onto the Ark" - Adam Hess

15. "I went to a Pretenders gig. It was a tribute act" - Tim Vine

That's 15 s**** vanilla jokes. What happened to all the racism and sexism? Are we not doing that anymore?

[BathRam72]

On 23/08/2017 at 18:44, Paul71 said:

I don't know but I bet the authorities gave them a right grilling.

Of all the jokes in the thread so far, this is by far the best ^^^

How long was the Edinburgh fringe? How many comedians attended? and finally how many shows did they put on?

And after all that the best joke was "I'm not a fan of the new pound coin, but then again, I hate all change". I am so pleased I decided not to waste my money.

[GboroRam]

2 hours ago, BathRam72 said:

Of all the jokes in the thread so far, this is by far the best ^^^

How long was the Edinburgh fringe? How many comedians attended? and finally how many shows did they put on?

And after all that the best joke was "I'm not a fan of the new pound coin, but then again, I hate all change". I am so pleased I decided not to waste my money.

Dave Gorman makes some good points about it here. You can't parcel comedy into discrete units, and you can't judge the gag without the context it was told in.

http://gormano.blogspot.co.uk/2017/08/ch-ch-ch-changes.html?utm_source=dlvr.it&utm_medium=facebook&m=1

[BathRam72]

18 minutes ago, GboroRam said:

Dave Gorman makes some good points about it here. You can't parcel comedy into discrete units, and you can't judge the gag without the context it was told in.

http://gormano.blogspot.co.uk/2017/08/ch-ch-ch-changes.html?utm_source=dlvr.it&utm_medium=facebook&m=1

That is a fair point and I am fully aware that the delivery/timing is very important and the context and also the overall content of the subject.

I just think as a one liner this is pretty tame from all that talent

[1of4]

If heard there's a new comedy act being shown on Channel 5 around 9 o'clock tonight.

[PistoldPete2]

On 25/08/2017 at 07:47, BathRam72 said:

Of all the jokes in the thread so far, this is by far the best ^^^

How long was the Edinburgh fringe? How many comedians attended? and finally how many shows did they put on?

And after all that the best joke was "I'm not a fan of the new pound coin, but then again, I hate all change". I am so pleased I decided not to waste my money.

A show is a show. Most stand ups dont do gags as such... Time Vine is an exception and his thing is he goes for a one liner after another and you are battered into submisison. I like stand up but you have to be there to appreciate it. 

[PistoldPete2]

On 24/08/2017 at 20:56, Parsnip said:

That's 15 s**** vanilla jokes. What happened to all the racism and sexism? Are we not doing that anymore?

thats what I thought.. not exactly an edgy collection. of jokes. 

[scarboroughwa]

Get some Jim Jefferies in to ya. 

[Inglorius]

How do you keep a bunch of morons in suspense? I'll tell you tomorrow 

[Millenniumram]

http://www.skysports.com/watch/video/sports/football/teams/sheffield-united/11007017/russells-calamitous-own-goal

[Wolfie]

RANTING!!!????

CAN THE ADMINS OF THIS GROUP DO A BETTER JOB OF MONITORING WHO IS ALLOWED IN HERE PLEASE?
WE HAVE A NEW MEMBER. AN ELDERLY BLOKE. HE'S BEEN PRIVATELY MESSAGING MEMBERS SENDING THEM NAKED PICTURES OF HIMSELF IN NASTY POSES ALONG WITH CLOSE UPS OF HIS GENTLEMAN SAUSAGE. HE IS OFFERING AN iPHONE 7+ IN EXCHANGE FOR SEXUAL FAVOURS. I AM ESPECIALLY BOTHERED BECAUSE IT TURNED OUT TO BE AN iPHONE 5S AND OBVIOUSLY SOMETHING'S WRONG WITH IT CAUSE ITS SUPER SLOW AND THE CAPS LOCK IS STUCK ON!

[Hucknall Ram]

1 hour ago, Wolfie said:

RANTING!!!????

CAN THE ADMINS OF THIS GROUP DO A BETTER JOB OF MONITORING WHO IS ALLOWED IN HERE PLEASE?
WE HAVE A NEW MEMBER. AN ELDERLY BLOKE. HE'S BEEN PRIVATELY MESSAGING MEMBERS SENDING THEM NAKED PICTURES OF HIMSELF IN NASTY POSES ALONG WITH CLOSE UPS OF HIS GENTLEMAN SAUSAGE. HE IS OFFERING AN iPHONE 7+ IN EXCHANGE FOR SEXUAL FAVOURS. I AM ESPECIALLY BOTHERED BECAUSE IT TURNED OUT TO BE AN iPHONE 5S AND OBVIOUSLY SOMETHING'S WRONG WITH IT CAUSE ITS SUPER SLOW AND THE CAPS LOCK IS STUCK ON!

I bet it was the 16gb version as well?

[rynny]

 

[Guest]

Not exactly new but I've always liked the "What's the difference" jokes from decades ago which you have to work out yourself.  Can remember only three though  

first one is

Q. what's the difference between a bad marksman and a constipated owl. 

A. One shoots but cannot hit and the other........

[Ramslad1992]

What's green and not heavy? 

Light green.