New joke thread (trigger alert, may offend if you want it to)

[Sith Happens]

1 hour ago, TramRam said:

Tiger Woods is playing golf with a man from Kilburn in Derbyshire

Tiger Tees off 1st and lands 12 feet from the hole

Kilburn Tees off and hits a hole in one

Tiger turns to Kilburn Man and says "nice Tee Shot"

Kilburn Man looks at his shirt and says "Cheers Yoth"

hey you we is posh dunna ya know int kilburn 

[Bwash_Ram]

German suspect in Madeleine McCann case.

Bit PC. We used to be able to call them Gerry.

[Eddie]

New to me anyway...

[FindernRam]

Sent to me by a daughter: Dad, your drift into senility will be an easy transition!.

[Gritstone Ram]

They told me I’d never be good at poetry because I’m dyslexic.

So far I have made two jugs and a vase so duck um!!

[Mucker1884]

I feel terrible.

I lost my wife to Covid at the weekend.  ?

 

 

 

 

 

EDIT:

Colin... I lost her to Colin... Y'know... Next-door-but-one!  Bloody auto-correct!   

[Bwash_Ram]

Spare a thought for the poor souls who have to retrieve the Colston statue from Bristol Harbour.

Let's hear it for the Quay workers.

[Bwash_Ram]

If anybody wants a copy of Osteopath Weekly

I have back issues.

[1967RAMS]

I met my now wife whilst she was working at twycross zoo. She looked lovely in her uniform, straight away I knew she was a keeper 

[Tamworthram]

[Wolfie]

[sonofmidnight]

4 hours ago, Van Wolfie said:

My son didn't even get as far as a first date. He asked a stunning young lady her name and she said Lydia to which he replied oh like Chlamydia then! Needless to say she wasn't impressed!

[Brammie Steve]

Are locksmiths key workers?

 

[uttoxram75]

1 hour ago, Brummie Steve said:

Are locksmiths key workers?

 

The people who lifted the statue out of the water in Bristol were Quay workers.

[sonofmidnight]

Me and my 2 sons were outside Morrison's talking about people who are *********. Son says without thinking 'I'm  getting good at sniffing out ********* a mile away' Me and other son start laughing. Son says what you laughing at? I say just think about what you said.                                                          Whenever someone annoys me I think of that and anger melts away!

[sonofmidnight]

Above only funny if you get the right word in the *. 

[Mucker1884]

E?

[Wolfie]

1 hour ago, Dappled Ram said:

Me and my 2 sons were outside Morrison's talking about people who are *********. Son says without thinking 'I'm  getting good at sniffing out ********* a mile away' Me and other son start laughing. Son says what you laughing at? I say just think about what you said.                                                          Whenever someone annoys me I think of that and anger melts away!

Fishmongers?

[Turk Thrust]

It's no longer PC to direct a joke at any racial or ethnic minority, so:-

an Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Gurkha, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a Kiwi, an American, a S African, a Cypriot, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Dane, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Singaporean, an Italian, A Norwegian, a Libyan, a Muslim, a Hindu, a Buddhist and an Ethiopian went to a night club.  The bouncer said " sorry I can't let you in without a Thai"

 

[Mucker1884]

1 hour ago, Turk Thrust said:

It's no longer PC to direct a joke at any racial or ethnic minority, so:-

an Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Gurkha, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a Kiwi, an American, a S African, a Cypriot, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Dane, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Singaporean, an Italian, A Norwegian, a Libyan, a Muslim, a Hindu, a Buddhist and an Ethiopian went to a night club.  The bouncer said " sorry I can't let you in without a Thai"

 

But the reason the Thai bloke wasn't there was that the message said "Meet at twenty to ten", but the Thai only recognises digital times.  If it had said "Meet at 21:40", he'd have been there, and they'd have all got in!
Now, whether this is down to language barrier, or sheer stupidity on the Thai's part, or a deliberate and cruel hatchet job by the message sender, is not for me to say, but either way, it was an unfortunate occurrence, and yet here you are, making light of the situation, and treating this whole avoidable mis-hap as a bloody joke!  Heck, they missed out on drinking time because of this.  It ain't funny, and you blaming the poor innocent Thai geezer does not improve matters!

Shame on you!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Maybe I'm over-thinking it?  ?