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admira

New joke thread

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Had to do detention for this joke I made up when I was in year 8. My German teacher was encouraging us all to tell jokes and I genuinely made this up on the spot. It's not funny.

What's hot, green and sticky?

Godzilla having a ****.

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A Christmas one,St.Peter met 3 men at the Pearly Gates and said to them you will have to show me something Christmasey.

Number I.Took a lighter out of his pocket,lit it and said "This represents the Christmas Candles"

Number 2. Took out his keys rattling them and said "They represent the Christas bells"

Number 3.Put his hand in his pocket and pulled out a pair of Ladies Panties,St Peter looked aghast at him and said what have a pair of Panties got to do with Christmas,number 3 looked at him and said "Their Caroles"

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The story of a certain man .

As he stood in front of the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind St Peter.

He asked, 'What are all those clocks?' 

St. Peter answered, 'Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on earth has a Lie-Clock.

Every time you lie the hands on your clock move.' 


'Oh', said the man. 'Whose clock is that?' 

'That's Mother Teresa's', replied St. Peter. 'The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie.' 

'Incredible', said the man. 'And whose clock is that one?' 

St. Peter responded, 'That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that 
Abraham told only two lies in his entire life.'

'Where's Gordon Brown's clock?' asked the man.

'Brown's clock is in Jesus's office. He's using it as a ceiling fan.' 

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A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

 

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

 

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

 

Floor 1 - These men have Jobs

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

 

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

 

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

 

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help with Housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

 

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

 

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

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A man goes to join an order of monks.

The head Monk says to the man "This is a silent order. You will only be allowed to speak once, every 15 years."

The man says "Ok" and so begins his time with the silent order.

15 years pass and the man is sitting in the refectory when the head monk approaches and says to the man "It has been fifteen years. What would you like to say brother?".

The man responds, "The porridge could do with a little more sugar." The head monk nods in acknowledgement and walks away.

Another 15 years pass and the head monk finds the man in the dormitory and says "Brother, it has been another 15 years. What is it that you wish to say?".

"The bed sheets are a bit thin." Replies the man. Again the head monk nods in acknowledgement.

Yet another 15 years pass and the head monk sees the man and asks "15 years have passed. Have you anything to say?".

"Well actually I've been thinking about it and I'm leaving the order. It's not really for me." says the man.

"Yes, yes" sighs the head monk "I think that's for the best. You've done nothing but ******* complain since you got here."

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