ViewsFromTheMiddle Posted February 6, 2020 Share Posted February 6, 2020 For 2020 my goal is to be less condescending to people. Condescending means to talk down to someone. Alph, jono, Mucker1884 and 1 other 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TramRam Posted February 6, 2020 Share Posted February 6, 2020 The Wife and I are going out to celebrate our 40th anniversay, My wife walked into the bedroom and twirled round. I said what's that for. She replied, I wore this on our 1st date all those years ago and it still fits. I said....it's a scarf! I had my 1st Indian meal last night, It was a Chicken Tarka, It's a bit like Chickin Tikka...but a little Otter. Turk Thrust and jono 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bwash_Ram Posted February 8, 2020 Share Posted February 8, 2020 Breaking news. Philip Schofield is set to leave ITV as he prefers the BBC. Steve How Hard? 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
uttoxram75 Posted February 8, 2020 Share Posted February 8, 2020 Walking the dog round the block and an Amazon driver stopped to ask me the time. Between 1400 and 1800 I told him, he told me to feck off, how rude.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Turk Thrust Posted February 8, 2020 Share Posted February 8, 2020 Man goes in a pub. His tie is fastened with a clip. The barman says "Out! We don't like your tie pin here" cstand 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ViewsFromTheMiddle Posted February 13, 2020 Share Posted February 13, 2020 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GboroRam Posted February 13, 2020 Share Posted February 13, 2020 I hate Russian dolls. They're full of themselves. jono, Alph and Mick Brolly 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FindernRam Posted February 14, 2020 Share Posted February 14, 2020 A Valentines Lament::: My nookie days are over My pilot light is out It used to be embarrassing, the way it would behave For each and every morning, it would stand and watch me shave Now as old age approache,s it sure gives me the blues, to see it hang its little head and watch tie my shoes! Steve How Hard? and mozza 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mozza Posted February 14, 2020 Share Posted February 14, 2020 26 minutes ago, FindernRam said: A Valentines Lament::: My nookie days are over My pilot light is out It used to be embarrassing, the way it would behave For each and every morning, it would stand and watch me shave Now as old age approache,s it sure gives me the blues, to see it hang its little head and watch tie my shoes! I can relate to that.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brammie Steve Posted February 15, 2020 Share Posted February 15, 2020 On 14 February 2020 at 18:44, FindernRam said: A Valentines Lament::: My nookie days are over My pilot light is out It used to be embarrassing, the way it would behave For each and every morning, it would stand and watch me shave Now as old age approache,s it sure gives me the blues, to see it hang its little head and watch tie my shoes! My dad, Ken, had the full version of this written out somewhere where I read it in 1978. He probably heard it when doing wartime service in the navy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brammie Steve Posted February 15, 2020 Share Posted February 15, 2020 at twenty to thirty if a man lives right It's once in the morning and twice every night. From thirty to forty if he still lives right He misses a morning and sometimes a night From forty to fifty it's just now and then And when he's past fifty it's heaven knows when When he gets past sixty he might feel inclined But don't let him kid you, it's all in his mind It used to be embarrassing to make the thing behave 'cause every single morning it would stand and watch him shave But now that he is older it just gives him the blues Cos all it does is hang there and watch him shine his shoes It doesn't shine so bright now, the pilot light's gone out, What used to be his sex appeal is now his water spout. Amazing what gets passed down the generations isn't it? Kinder, Alph, mozza and 1 other 1 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FindernRam Posted February 16, 2020 Share Posted February 16, 2020 9 hours ago, Brummie Steve said: where I read it in 1978 That's a bit precise for 50 years ago! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parsnip Posted February 16, 2020 Share Posted February 16, 2020 Storm Dennis has hit France this weekend. Of course over there they call it "Les Dennis". Alph, Mick Brolly, angieram and 6 others 1 8 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mozza Posted February 16, 2020 Share Posted February 16, 2020 3 hours ago, FindernRam said: That's a bit precise for 50 years ago! Steve can clearly remember things from fifty years ago, ask him about last week, that's a different matter. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FindernRam Posted February 17, 2020 Share Posted February 17, 2020 Apologies for the Caps lock, but see first line! LYING AROUND, PONDERING THE PROBLEMS OF THE WORLD, I REALIZED THAT AT MY AGE I DON'T REALLY GIVE A RAT'S ASS ANYMORE. IF WALKING IS GOOD FOR YOUR HEALTH, THE POSTMAN WOULD BE IMMORTAL. A WHALE SWIMS ALL DAY, ONLY EATS FISH, AND DRINKS WATER, BUT IS STILL FAT. A RABBIT RUNS AND HOPS AND ONLY LIVES 15 YEARS, WHILE A TORTOISE DOESN'T RUN AND DOES MOSTLY NOTHING, YET IT LIVES FOR 150 YEARS. AND THEY TELL US TO EXERCISE? I DON'T THINK SO. NOW THAT I'M OLDER, HERE'S WHAT I'VE DISCOVERED: 1. I STARTED OUT WITH NOTHING, AND I STILL HAVE MOST OF IT. 2. MY WILD OATS ARE MOSTLY ENJOYED WITH PRUNES AND ALL-BRAN. 3. FUNNY, I DON'T REMEMBER BEING ABSENT-MINDED. 4. FUNNY, I DON'T REMEMBER BEING ABSENT-MINDED. 5. IF ALL IS NOT LOST, THEN WHERE THE HECK IS IT? 6. IT WAS A WHOLE LOT EASIER TO GET OLDER THAN IT WAS TO GET WISER. 7. SOME DAYS, YOU'RE THE TOP DOG, SOME DAYS YOU'RE THE HYDRANT. 8. I WISH THE BUCK REALLY DID STOP HERE, I SURE COULD USE A FEW OF THEM. 9. KIDS IN THE BACKSEAT CAUSE ACCIDENTS. 10. ACCIDENTS IN THE BACK SEAT CAUSE KIDS. 11. IT IS HARD TO MAKE A COMEBACK WHEN YOU HAVEN'T BEEN ANYWHERE. 12. THE WORLD ONLY BEATS A PATH TO YOUR DOOR WHEN YOU'RE IN THE BATHROOM. 13. IF GOD WANTED ME TO TOUCH MY TOES, HE'D HAVE PUT THEM ON MY KNEES. 14. WHEN I'M FINALLY HOLDING ALL THE RIGHT CARDS, EVERYONE WANTS TO PLAY CHESS. 15. IT IS NOT HARD TO MEET EXPENSES...THEY'RE EVERYWHERE. 16. THE ONLY DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A RUT AND A GRAVE IS THE DEPTH. 17. THESE DAYS, I SPEND A LOT OF TIME THINKING ABOUT THE HEREAFTER. . . 17A. I GO SOMEWHERE TO GET SOMETHING, AND THEN WONDER WHAT I'M "HERE AFTER". 18. FUNNY, I DON'T REMEMBER BEING ABSENT-MINDED. 19. IT IS A LOT BETTER TO BE SEEN THAN VIEWED. 20. HAVE I SENT THIS MESSAGE TO YOU BEFORE???...OR DID I GET IT FROM YOU? Brammie Steve, King Kevin, cstand and 4 others 3 1 1 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brammie Steve Posted February 18, 2020 Share Posted February 18, 2020 Nanny State? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brammie Steve Posted February 19, 2020 Share Posted February 19, 2020 On 16/02/2020 at 13:01, mozza said: Steve can clearly remember things from fifty years ago, ask him about last week, that's a different matter. Steve? Who is Steve? mozza 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ghost of Clough Posted February 23, 2020 Share Posted February 23, 2020 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TramRam Posted February 23, 2020 Share Posted February 23, 2020 I saw a good old friend the other day he's 85 and looked concerned. I went upto him and asked, Hey George are you OK. He looks at me confused. Now George aint slow coming forward as his Wife is 25 and looks like a beauty queen. I asked him is she causing him any grief. No was his reply. Is she feeding you good food. Yes, I get steak 4 times a week and a good cooked breakfast every day. Is she short changing you. No look, He puts his hands into his pocket and pulls out a wad of £20 notes. It's sex then isn't I said. Not at all, Every other day I get what I want in bed, She's great. Then why do you look so confused. I can't remember where I live. cstand 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
King Kevin Posted February 23, 2020 Share Posted February 23, 2020 A man takes his wife back to the same hotel where they had their honeymoon for their 25th wedding anniversary. As the wife is getting undressed she asks the husband " tell me what was you thinking about all those years ago" "All I ever wanted to do is suck your tits dry and bonk your brains out" he replied . What are you thinking now? Well he replied "I think I did a fecking good job". TramRam, cstand, Steve How Hard? and 2 others 2 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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