ariotofmyown

Good lad mate, thanks 
For some reason on here, even though people know who I am in real life, I feel I can answer honestly a question my mates ask and I don't want to tell them the truth.
I'm ducked, totally ducked but I'm hanging on by whatever thread i can find each day.
To be wobbling this badly in public is horrible and I'm wondering how it's going to pan out IF I can fix myself. 
There are those who have little enough respect for me already, without me confining their suspicions.
I'm recordong A LOT of video where I'm talking to myself but story telling, dont know how or even if I'll upload them, it's therapeutic and it's there as an explanation IF things don't change
You're a top man for asking, I know a while back I rowed with a couple of people I didn't ever want to row with and you sage rynny and revel are high on that list .as is David who eve when I don't try, I offend.
Top people, top place irrespective of the negatives and some of those i caused myself.
Good luck today ladies and gents, I'd be happier to log on tonight with you through and us having beaten Bradford.

My foot is better and Christmas is done and dusted. I’m able to exercise frequently and have been for the last three weeks. Whilst I still have isolation and loneliness issues. I don’t feel like jumping in front of a truck right now. Thanks for asking x

I'd just like to say thanks to the people who responded positively/humourously to my previous posts in this thread.
While my problem was more physical than mental, the unexpected speed at which I was admitted to hospital and had surgery caught me well off balance, mentally speaking.
I hope those who are really struggling find the way to open up to someone, anyone who they think can help, it's not a weakness to ask, I only wish I could summon the same courage personally.
 

CK one.

I returned to work today to the news that one of my colleagues had tried to kill himself late on Christmas Eve and has been sectioned for his own safety.
Normally a lovely gentle giant type of bloke, he was behaving strangely at our work do on the 21st - being the life & soul of the party from the start and then very aggressive towards some of the others as the night went on - both of which are out of character. We all thought at the time that he was just getting drunk quickly but apparently he'd been battling his demons for months but only his wife knew.
Of course all us colleagues who would describe him as a friend are now looking for the signs that we missed along the way but there really weren't any until that night and even then, we just put it down to drinking too much & too quickly.
It's been said on here before but, for goodness sake, just talk & share your problems with those close to you - or strangers if that doesn't appeal. Help is there but you'll probably have to make the first move.
I shudder to think what two young kids almost woke up to on Christmas morning. I'm sure it was bad enough as it was.

Yes; there's another one in September but we raise awareness all year round. The Community Trust run the men's team talk group and there are loads of people to talk to if someone needs to. I am always happy to signpost if anyone wants to know what's out there. To be honest, in a crisis I'd always contact the Samaritans.
I personally find Christmas and New Year a difficult time as you remember people no longer around but there is always hope of better times and new experiences to come. Really,  those times are in our own grasp - if we have life's basics then we can build on them. Not necessarily by acquiring money but doing more of the things that make us happy. 
All the best.

Does anyone think it would actually be great moving house to Aberdeen just to join the Aberdeenshire Rams? I imagine every televised match is just a heady cocktail of beers, Rams and predominately scottish indie anthems.
You can probably watch all the games on Ramsplayer too, what with it been foreign too.

@Moist One,that’s horrible for you to feel so low but also massive that you’ve written it all down on here.
I am guessing that you’ve held back quite a bit too?
I’ve got a million things on this afternoon but whilst I’m going through them all I’m going to put all my thoughts to you and if there’s anything I can do to help.
I’m not saying i’ll come up with anything other than some supportive words but I’m thinking about you and if I can help I will.
And friends are overrated by the way.

Tough to know what to say to that - but if you've been open and honest and laid this out to friends, and they aren't helping you, then they are the wrong sort of friends
That's not slag them off, but you talk about circles of friends and I find that i have different types of friends. The ones you'd trust with your life, the ones that are great to go out drinking with, the ones you used to work with and are nice enough but you don't have a lot in common with, etc etc. Like you say, I'm sure they all have a ton of their own poo to worry about, and if that means they don't have time to be there for you, then you need to look elsewhere for help. Trying to force them to care and then feeling let down when they don't is a horrible place to be so you shouldn't feel bad about taking positive action to leave them alone. 
I guess you need to know that there is another circle of friends on here who don't know you at all in the real sense of the word, but are always here to listen and not make you feel alone.  You did the right thing posting. If it ever gets this bad - always share your thoughts here and one (or more) of us bell-ends will try and help in whatever small way we can
 

I started this thread 3 years ago cos I realised I was in a very low place, but wasn't sure how low I was, and how much lower I could manage. Sadly, I'm back in a similar place and have been for a month or so, except I'm struggling to find any comfort in self-awareness or knowledge that others are suffering similar.
I've tried to avoid burdening anyone with my feelings over the last month, but am hoping writing it down on here might help, so apologies in advance. I'm in a situation where I am having a daily battle with myself. These battles used to be annual, then monthly, then fortnightly, then non-existent, and they're basically a "what's the point?", and being candid, they've been a give yourself a reason to live internal conversation. The bit I'm realising is that many of my reasons are based on fantasy, ******** and delusion at the moment. Silly things like "you might fall in love and live happily ever after!"!!
What's been quite saddening, but I accept, is that friends I used to rely on can no longer be relied on for anything. Simply as they have other issues to deal with, Mortgages, Weddings, Babies, Family Illnesses, Work issues etc, so I cannot expect them to drop anything just to pander to my neediness.
I drew parallels to Ronnie's post recently, scarily so. In recent months, my only positive has been work, and knowing that I'm doing a banging quality job, or so I thought. I had the wind knocked out of my sales recently, having discovered my manager isn't actually aware of what I am doing and would quite happily see me down the road. Things came to a head, and I won a little battle (that I didn't want) to save my job. But not without a few weeks of feeling very isolated, lonely and victimised.
Over the last few years, those I consider friends have declined almost all invitations to visit or spend time with me, always with reasons I might add, but nevertheless, I've eventually began to take it personally, even if not intentional rejection. Every attempt to get together as a group is just a stressful waste of time, and the reasons they've given to not be able to attend have been quite surprising, and I've taken that as me being way down on the list of priorities.
I went off the radar a few weeks ago. Literally made myself uncontactable. Deleted Whatsapp, Snapchat etc, didn't tweet, didn't post here or anywhere else, and just worked, and went home. I cannot explain why I did this, but eventually people guilted me into getting involved in things. I wrote a lengthy explanation to 20 mates making them aware of what I was going through, and on the whole they responded supportively. I spent a few weeks trying to force myself to be more positive, but the fact that these supportive friends have just carried on being somewhat neglective and ignorant, knowing what I was feeling, has left me feeling doubly negative.
Christmas is never a great time for me, I have always felt lonely and isolated, but that doesn't usually hit me this hard. I've never felt so isolated and emotional, and pointless and worthless and demotivated for life as I do right now. I'm at the stage where the only reason I haven't ended my life is cos it would kill my grandma. She is ill as it is. I've even nearly thought it wouldn't matter as she is ill anyway, so my going wouldn't really matter.
I've recently had a mini-meltdown and told a circle of friends that I'm sick of begging for attention so I will leave them alone, and they should leave me alone. I thought that would be hurtful and I'd be sad, but I'm not. It just gives me the freedom to do what I want without any guilt. Another circle of friends are making me feel like doing similar with them, and if that happens, I will be totally isolated and friendless and the sad thing is that I think I want this.

Hello all, 
It's hard to post this but this week has been possibly the worst my mental health has ever been. I recently posted in another thread about wanting to make 2019 positive but ever since Saturday i've gone downhill so so fast. 
I had a little worry, It started as a minor worry, then it developed inside me to a concern, the grew larger and larger into a huge obsession that i couldn't shift and consequently i found myself at the doors of depression. 
I started taking my Citalopram on Saturday but it hasn't yet kicked in. On Monday, i was in absolute hysteric floods of tears crying to my Mum and Dad and since then the floodgates have definitely opened. My mum gave me a Diazepam to help calm me down but this just made me dizzy and sick before eventually having a calming effect late on in evening.
Tuesday i went in to work as normal at about 2:30 my boss told me to get home and rest because i looked very ill. I went to play football in the evening as i always do on Tuesday but this proved extremely difficult. I thought the exercise and fresh air would do me wonders but inside all i was doing was fixating on my problems. Despite nearly passing out 3 times i managed to make it through. After another cry to my parents i managed 6 hours sleep.
Wednesday i was able to see the doctor. He gave me more tablets and some numbers for CBT therapy providers in the local area. I immediately rang them and was quite shocked just how long the process can take and one of them was charging quite a considerable amount.
Wednesday evening as i attempted to try to be active to my mind of things i panicked and fainted for a good few minutes. After coming round i was take to my bed where again, i found myself in floods of tears being consoled by Girlfriend, Mum and Dad.  
Yesterday morning i woke up very early again. 4:45 to be exact. I dragged my duvet down stairs hoping that a change of scenery may help. I went to take my tablet in the morning as i've started doing and then i got really really scared. I looked at these tablets and though 'Why don't i just take loads of them and then i won't have to feel like this anymore?' So i took one, then took a second one straight after. I started Vomiting almost immediately afterwards, panicking and deep breathing. Before i knew, i had fainted once again only to be found by my Mum. Once i had come round, my vomiting continued and my thoughts worsened about just taking more tablets to stop me feeling bad or anything all together. I was taken straight to the hospital and given a number of physical tests that all came back positive so i was allowed to come home. I hadn't at this point mentioned to the hospital or anyone that i was feeling suicidal.  As the afternoon progresses my mood swung again, up and down and up and down again. Eventually i was again hysterical and i decided that i had to tell my parents that i'd worried about ending things that morning if i could. I explained to them that i felt like a constant failure and that peoples life would be easier without me there. I don't think i've ever cried as much as i did yesterday. I had the same conversation with my girlfriend that evening and it absolutely destroyed me saying what i said but i was and still am scared that i will do something stupid. My dad rang one of the metal health helplines and i explained to them what was happening in my mind and they marked me as 'critical' meaning i needed immediate help. They eventually rang and they were absolutely no help what so ever. The earliest they could see me was Saturday afternoon and despite my girlfriend pleading with the man on the phone that i needed immediate help he just said 'Saturday afternoon' then shut down the conversation to hang up. I was left in the darkest hole i think i could possibly have been in and if it wasn't for the people around me i don't know what i would have done. 
I actually began to improve last night and decided that this morning i would come in to work and get myself some routine back. I have done and so far i'm just about on top of my emotions but even the littlest things feels like it could set me off. 
Christmas is my favourite time of the year and i can't even think about it. I just want to be better for it so the people who are around me can enjoy it too. 
I'm sorry for the essay but i thought writing it down might help and i'm hopeful that i can be on the mend soon and one day look back on it with the experience to help others
 

I’ve had an unusual 2018. I worked incredibly hard for my A-Level results that got me a place at the University of Manchester, where I’ve met some great mates. I had a great summer due to the national team’s heroics and Derby are shaping up nicely this term.
However, I got hit with some upsetting family news in the summer (World Cup Final day) which has affected, and will continue to affect, my whole world, none more so than today. I bloody love Christmas but today, due to the aforementioned news, was rather subdued and disappointing compared to the typically lively family affair.
This has led me to drink a fair few whiskeys and gins after everyone has gone to bed in order to improve the day. During this little session, I had a good chat (via video call) with my mates and I’m feeling much better now.
I don’t really know what I’m trying to get at with this post, and I know that many are going through far greater difficulties than me (thankfully, I’ve never had issues with mental health) but I thought this was the best place to get things off my chest, particularly because the people on this forum are absolutely fantastic and like a second family to me (@coneheadjohn and @angieram in particular). 
I will regret this post tomorrow morning when I read this as a sober man but, in my mellow state, I feel like it is important to get things off my chest, particularly when I haven’t been able to offload my worries (regarding the family news) to anybody since I found out (I’m the only one in my immediate family who hasn’t told anyone). To all who read this post, I doubt it makes any sense.
Anyway, I really do love this forum. I know that I’m usually a happy-clapping, Dark Fruits-drinking, joke-making poster but nobody’s life is perfect; including mine. 
I hope everyone had a great Christmas and I expect you all to be looking out for me on the telly as I cheer on the mighty Rams at Bramall Lane tomorrow.
Up the ducking Rams.

Sad to just learn that Pete has passed away. Big fan of the Buzzcocks, and it is a shock that l won’t see him perform again. Great memories of numerous gigs over the years. 

Nobody, and I mean nobody, wrote stories of unrequited love like Pete Shelley. His three minutes anthems are like lines through my life. Saw them as recently as last summer, they were still as truly brilliant as ever. You'll be missed.

Played it for about 5 hours yesterday, reckon it's going to be the most overhyped game ever made but there's some good stuff.
As already noted the controls are just bloody horrible, never really had a problem with them on GTA. Getting around by car and holding down the right trigger is one thing, getting around by horse & cart and constantly having to press/hold the X button to keep pace is another, far more strenuous & RSI inducing thing - my thumb still aches now.
Not sure the health/stamina system is going to be anything other than a pain in the arse and it's already failed to explain its systems properly a few times, or flashed up instructions whilst I'm busy doing other things. 
For instance it took until I reached the first town to remember that there was even a dead eye shooting mode because, presumably, it had flashed up the instructions for that in a tiny box at the top left of the screen while I was deep in the midst of the earlier shootout, never to be shown again.
Hoping now I've hit the first town and been to the first pub (The Smithfield! Oh, alright, Smithfield's) I'll actually start to have some fun with it.

I've loved it so far. It's leaning more towards an RPG game than ever before. It wants you to go slow and really embrace some tedious chores that it somehow makes quite fun. 
It doesn't want you to massacre a town and see if you can get a horse to land on a train. It wants you to say good morning to a town and buy a train ticket. 
It's an RPG that pretended to be a GTA so nobody would be put off.

Rockstar controls are always clunky to be fair, if you’ve played Grand Theft Auto it’s a bit worse than that. 
Will have to see and play with sensitivity settings, feels like I’m playing a sack of spuds. 
Might be because I’ve come from hours of fast paced Call of Duty which has super smooth controls. 
Interested to see others thoughts

Does anyone think it would actually be great moving house to Aberdeen just to join the Aberdeenshire Rams? I imagine every televised match is just a heady cocktail of beers, Rams and predominately scottish indie anthems.
You can probably watch all the games on Ramsplayer too, what with it been foreign too.

Does anyone think it would actually be great moving house to Aberdeen just to join the Aberdeenshire Rams? I imagine every televised match is just a heady cocktail of beers, Rams and predominately scottish indie anthems.
You can probably watch all the games on Ramsplayer too, what with it been foreign too.

Does anyone think it would actually be great moving house to Aberdeen just to join the Aberdeenshire Rams? I imagine every televised match is just a heady cocktail of beers, Rams and predominately scottish indie anthems.
You can probably watch all the games on Ramsplayer too, what with it been foreign too.

Does anyone think it would actually be great moving house to Aberdeen just to join the Aberdeenshire Rams? I imagine every televised match is just a heady cocktail of beers, Rams and predominately scottish indie anthems.
You can probably watch all the games on Ramsplayer too, what with it been foreign too.

Does anyone think it would actually be great moving house to Aberdeen just to join the Aberdeenshire Rams? I imagine every televised match is just a heady cocktail of beers, Rams and predominately scottish indie anthems.
You can probably watch all the games on Ramsplayer too, what with it been foreign too.

Does anyone think it would actually be great moving house to Aberdeen just to join the Aberdeenshire Rams? I imagine every televised match is just a heady cocktail of beers, Rams and predominately scottish indie anthems.
You can probably watch all the games on Ramsplayer too, what with it been foreign too.

Bottle of Old Peculiar for the match

Bottle of Old Peculiar for the match