New joke thread (trigger alert, may offend if you want it to)

[Anag Ram]

10 hours ago, May Contain Nuts said:

Might be the turkey baster these days 

[Mucker1884]

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck."

"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.

"And you can talk" !!  Exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working, too," Says the duck.

"Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"

"Certainly, sorry about that," Says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint.

"It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing around this way?"

"I'm working on the building site across the road," Explains the duck.  "I'm a plasterer."

The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.

So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.
The same thing happens for two weeks.

Then one day the circus comes to town.
The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him "You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"

"Sounds marvellous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card.  "Get him to give me a call."

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, "Hey Mr Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."

"I'm always looking for the next job," Says the duck.  "Where is it?"

"At the circus," Says the barman.

"The circus?" Repeats the duck.

"That's right," Replies the barman.

"The circus?" The duck asks again.  "With the big tent?"

"Yeah," the barman replies.

"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.

"Of course," the barman replies.

"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.

"That's right!" says the barman.

The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says;

"What the hell would they want with a plasterer" ???

[Mick Brolly]

[maxjam]

2 hours ago, Mucker1884 said:

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck."

"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.

"And you can talk" !!  Exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working, too," Says the duck.

"Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"

"Certainly, sorry about that," Says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint.

"It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing around this way?"

"I'm working on the building site across the road," Explains the duck.  "I'm a plasterer."

The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.

So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.
The same thing happens for two weeks.

Then one day the circus comes to town.
The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him "You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"

"Sounds marvellous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card.  "Get him to give me a call."

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, "Hey Mr Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."

"I'm always looking for the next job," Says the duck.  "Where is it?"

"At the circus," Says the barman.

"The circus?" Repeats the duck.

"That's right," Replies the barman.

"The circus?" The duck asks again.  "With the big tent?"

"Yeah," the barman replies.

"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.

"Of course," the barman replies.

"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.

"That's right!" says the barman.

The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says;

"What the hell would they want with a plasterer" ???

Is there an audiobook version of that?

[Stive Pesley]

59 minutes ago, maxjam said:

Is there an audiobook version of that?

They tried but the C120 ran out of space

[Anag Ram]

6 hours ago, Mucker1884 said:

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck."

"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.

"And you can talk" !!  Exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working, too," Says the duck.

"Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"

"Certainly, sorry about that," Says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint.

"It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing around this way?"

"I'm working on the building site across the road," Explains the duck.  "I'm a plasterer."

The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.

So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.
The same thing happens for two weeks.

Then one day the circus comes to town.
The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him "You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"

"Sounds marvellous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card.  "Get him to give me a call."

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, "Hey Mr Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."

"I'm always looking for the next job," Says the duck.  "Where is it?"

"At the circus," Says the barman.

"The circus?" Repeats the duck.

"That's right," Replies the barman.

"The circus?" The duck asks again.  "With the big tent?"

"Yeah," the barman replies.

"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.

"Of course," the barman replies.

"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.

"That's right!" says the barman.

The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says;

"What the hell would they want with a plasterer" ???

The biggest anticlimax since my uncle discovered Viagra.

[ramit]

My father was an avid trout fisherman.  One rainy night when hunting round someone's garden for night crawlers a woman on the second floor of the house threw open a window shouting "Hey you there, what are you doing?"  Father looked up at her and as their eyes met, replied playfully "It's long" and then waited a few seconds before dangling a worm between his fingers, adding "and thin"  Disappointed, she slammed the window shut.

[Premier ram]

10 hours ago, ramit said:

My father was an avid trout fisherman.  One rainy night when hunting round someone's garden for night crawlers a woman on the second floor of the house threw open a window shouting "Hey you there, what are you doing?"  Father looked up at her and as their eyes met, replied playfully "It's long" and then waited a few seconds before dangling a worm between his fingers, adding "and thin"  Disappointed, she slammed the window shut.

 

                      

[Mucker1884]

15 hours ago, Anag Ram said:

The biggest anticlimax since my uncle discovered Viagra.

I hope to god you were stalking them from the wardrobe, and not there as an invited guest!  😲  

[GB SPORTS]

1 hour ago, Mucker1884 said:

I hope to god you were stalking them from the wardrobe, and not there as an invited guest!  😲  

With due thanks to premier Ram.

Edited Thursday at 12:32 by GB SPORTS

[Mucker1884]

1 minute ago, GB SPORTS said:

 

 

In a "lesser of two evils" kind o' way!  😉

 

*There are, of course, no circumstances where the result of @Anag Ram witnessing the sexual liaisons of his Aunt & Uncle could be deemed appropriate/acceptable/within the boundaries of common decency... invited or otherwise!  😂

[maxjam]

He was on his way!

Edited Thursday at 15:18 by maxjam

[GboroRam]

[ramit]

[angieram]

[Bob The Badger]

[Mick Brolly]

[cstand]