Depression, anxiety, stress and other related issues

[Coneheadjohn]

14 minutes ago, Ramshankered said:

My girlfriend is having similar problems at the moment. New head of department is creating work for the sake of it – asking for schemes of work to be re-written in a new (ridiculously long) format. Nothing wrong with the old format. She's just trying to stamp her mark on things to make herself feel important and relevant.

 

Tell her to keep her head down,they never hang around long,they usually promote them to get rid...hope she’s ok.

[Ramshankered]

41 minutes ago, Lambchop said:

That’s a lack of experience and management skills on her part then. We had one like that a few years previously.

Your instincts are spot-on. It's her first management position. Incredibly frustrating for the gf – footing the brunt of her learning process and daily mistakes as she stamps her authority. It would be much easier to cope with if she was a nice person. But she treats my other half like she's beneath her. Sends her passive aggressive emails. Creates deadlines out of thin air. You get the jist.

[Ramshankered]

43 minutes ago, coneheadjohn said:

Tell her to keep her head down,they never hang around long,they usually promote them to get rid...hope she’s ok.

Thanks man. It's up and down at the moment. Yesterday she came in 8pm (having starting work at 8am) and was pretty upset about it all. The really frustrating thing for me is, there's little I can do to influence things other than lend an ear when she needs to vent. 

[McRainy]

19 minutes ago, Ramshankered said:

she treats my other half like she's beneath her

It sounds like it’s borderline bullying then. If she doesn’t already, I’d begin keeping a record of every incident, email etc and make the Head aware of what’s happening. A colleague of mine did just that and the offending party got a warning, which reigned her in considerably. 

Might also be worth talking to her union rep or HR about it. 

Edited January 25, 2018 by Lambchop

[Ramshankered]

10 hours ago, Lambchop said:

It sounds like it’s borderline bullying then. If she doesn’t already, I’d begin keeping a record of every incident, email etc and make the Head aware of what’s happening. A colleague of mine did just that and the offending party got a warning, which reigned her in considerably. 

Might also be worth talking to her union rep or HR about it. 

Tbf, it's not quite as malicious as bullying. More a combination of the new HoD having a bit of an abrasive management style, not being a natural leader and not having very good people skills. 

My gf does have a meeting with her line manager (who she shares with her HoD) coming up – so I've been pushing her to do what you've advised. Listing out every issue and explaining why her approach to management is causing tension. If nothing happens after that, then she will probably have to speak to the head.

[McRainy]

18 minutes ago, Ramshankered said:

Tbf, it's not quite as malicious as bullying. More a combination of the new HoD having a bit of an abrasive management style, not being a natural leader and not having very good people skills. 

Even if it’s unintentional her approach is still having a negative affect on your gf’s working life, which can’t be good for the school either. You'd hope that a good Head would at least offer guidance to the HoD and reassurance and support to your partner. As others have said, it’s stressful enough without having someone on your back all the time.

Having been part of a department that went from being close knit, positive and supportive to a majority being ill and/or leaving within the space of a year, I’ve seen the impact a poor HoD can have. I really hope it gets sorted for her. 

[McRainy]

More than half of teachers have been diagnosed with mental health issues:

http://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/home-news/uk-teachers-mental-health-diagnose-issues-targets-education-school-pupils-exams-a8174101.html

[Alph]

Kinell boys and girls. This thread is hard to read. I don't give advice because I don't know what to say. 

Just wanted to wish you all well though. 

[RamNut]

2 hours ago, Lambchop said:

More than half of teachers have been diagnosed with mental health issues:

http://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/home-news/uk-teachers-mental-health-diagnose-issues-targets-education-school-pupils-exams-a8174101.html

That explains my education.

the teachers just tried to make the pupils ill.

[Sith Happens]

Thought I would give an update.

Was due to return to work 3 weeks ago.

Ridiculous timing but on the day i was supposed to return i came down with a viral infection, am only just really getting over it.

I did plan to go back this week, and on Monday I didnt know what was happening to me, even though it was a heart attack at one point (in my head), my GP said i'd had a panic attack.

So still not back, went into work this week just to see occupational health and my line manager and hoping to be back monday now.

Its so hard to explain these issues as a lot of the time i feel ok, then something will happen and i feel so low its so strange.

I think the thing is people expect people with anxiety or stress or whatever its labelled to be down all the time, but just doesnt seem to work that way.

[McRainy]

59 minutes ago, Paul71 said:

think the thing is people expect people with anxiety or stress or whatever its labelled to be down all the time, but just doesnt seem to work that way.

I was the same when I was off, Paul. I could go along for days at a time being fine, wondering why I was even off, but then a meeting, medical appointment, letter or seeing a kid from school, would bring on debilitating panic attacks. 

I think the thing to remember is that your nervous system has been overloaded and it takes time to recover sufficiently if you are going to go back into the same environment. The rule of thumb is that you need the same time in recovery as you had under stress. Even when you are feeling ok doing unrelated things, the threat of going back to the stressful situation can trigger a relapse.

Unfortunately for me, my school refused to implement the recommendations of occupational health, so I knew I was going to end up with the same problems again. They effectively kept me under the same conditions of stress for the year that I was off ‘recovering’, because every absence monitoring meeting was a threat of either losing my livelihood or being made ill. Eventually, for my own sanity, I had to stop going to the meetings and resign, which is why ACAS said I could have taken them for constructive dismissal if I’d been able to afford to go to a tribunal. 

The analogy with a broken leg holds pretty true. It takes a given time to mend and if you put pressure on it too soon it’s going to go again or not heal properly. 

[McRainy]

1 hour ago, Paul71 said:

Ridiculous timing but on the day i was supposed to return i came down with a viral infection

Ridiculous timing or meaningful coincidence? The body uses illness as a protective mechanism sometimes, to prevent further harm. 

[Sith Happens]

22 minutes ago, Lambchop said:

Ridiculous timing or meaningful coincidence? The body uses illness as a protective mechanism sometimes, to prevent further harm. 

Well i know what you mean, but i was really poorly and my wife got it too so think it was just bad timing.

[Norman]

On 02/02/2018 at 10:11, Paul71 said:

Thought I would give an update.

Was due to return to work 3 weeks ago.

Ridiculous timing but on the day i was supposed to return i came down with a viral infection, am only just really getting over it.

I did plan to go back this week, and on Monday I didnt know what was happening to me, even though it was a heart attack at one point (in my head), my GP said i'd had a panic attack.

So still not back, went into work this week just to see occupational health and my line manager and hoping to be back monday now.

Its so hard to explain these issues as a lot of the time i feel ok, then something will happen and i feel so low its so strange.

I think the thing is people expect people with anxiety or stress or whatever its labelled to be down all the time, but just doesnt seem to work that way.

Did you go back to work today, mate?

[Sith Happens]

2 minutes ago, Norman said:

Did you go back to work today, mate?

Hi Mate

Yeah been in, just for the morning. Got all my passwords and kit unlocked. Wasnt too bad thought feel shattered now, going to have an easy week or so and ease myself in.

Thanks for asking

 

 

 

[TigerTedd]

13 hours ago, Paul71 said:

Hi Mate

Yeah been in, just for the morning. Got all my passwords and kit unlocked. Wasnt too bad thought feel shattered now, going to have an easy week or so and ease myself in.

Thanks for asking

 

 

 

This is a long thread to catch up on, so, to be honest, I haven’t. 

So I’ll tell you about my wife because a) you, or someone else, might find it interesting, and b) you, or someone else, might have some advice. 

She came home from work in an ambulance just before Christmas. She was having pains in her chest, but ignored it, then she just broke down in tears on the phone to a random customer. 

They called 111, who got a paramedic out, and cos she’s had issues with her heart before, she called an ambulance. 

Turns out it wasn’t a recurrence of her heart issue, but an anxiety attack, which can cause a pain in the chest, which feels like it’s the heart, but it’s not. 

Shes was the 5th in a team of 8 to go off with stress, including her manager. 

Thing is though, it’s not the job that has necessarily sent her over the edge. It’s the kids. 

She’s been seeing a therapist now. And moving away from her family and friends 9 years ago was bad enough. But what really kicked it off was finding out we were expecting a surprise package, just 3 or 4 months after the second (the 1st is a bit older 5 when the second was born, and an absolute god send most of the time). But two babies is hard work. 

I know this thread starts with the question, what are the signs. 

Well this really worried me, as I knew she was getting more and more stressed. She’d get up in the middle of the night, and I’d find her sat in the living room crying and contemplating the decisions that got her to this point. And crying over the guilt of sort of blaming our daughter, and therefore not being able to bond with her like she wants to (despite clearly loving her to bits). 

I’m not a great help. I’m self employed, so I’m very inconsistent. Sometimes I’m around for the school run and bath time. But sometimes I’m out til 10pm without much warning. And there’s added stress from me never really knowing what I’m gojng to earn from one week to the next.

I’d get texts from her saying she’s going punch a kid in the face soon. 

I kept thinking, it’ll get easier, and tried to reassures her that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. They’ll get slightly less dependant week after week. And she’ll be fine. 

But then I kept worrying that that is probably exactly what husbands do, right before their wife wraps the kids in the back of a car and drives into a river. I’m sure my wife would never ever contemplate that, but I bet they said the same thing. 

I did at least her recognise all was not well, and told her she should speak to the doctor  but she bever did  

So im very glad she had this break down at work. As it got her to go to the doctor and the therapist. 

Thing is, she really wants to go back to work. When she was on maternity leave, going back to work was her light at the end of the tunnel, and she really enjoyed going back. But then it started getting really stressful at work too, and that was the final straw. No sanctuary anywhere. 

A couple of weeks ago, she was scheduled to go back to work (they’ve made some changes apparently, and most people in her team have returned now), on half days, but got a chest infection. She thought, she couldn’t possibly call in sick on her first day back, so she went anyway for 2 days, and then had to call in sick on the 3rd. 

The next week she went back to work and started getting pains in her chest again. She didn’t feel mentally too stressed though. She went to the pharmacist at lunch time, who said that he should really be calling an ambulance again, if those were her symptoms. She played it down and had a return to work interview with her manager in the afternoon. 

I told her to tell her manager about it, and she sent her straight home (after she made her manager cry with all she’s been through). 

I told her that it’s like coming back after a major operation. Even if you feel okay, you still need to give it a couple of weeks after that, not just jump straight back in. 

The new plan is that she’ll take a couple of weeks off, then go back for 2 hours a day for a few weeks. I’m not sure how that’ll work. 

Now im stressing out, cos, to be honest, I’ve had a very stressful couple of years (which, to be honest, my wife has probably had a lot of it deflected into her). Now I’m desperately trying to make the next big thing happen, so she doesn’t have to go back to work, but at the same time I’m trying to pick up the slack at home to give her less to worry about, taking her out for nice lunches and things when the kids are at nursery (when I really should be working). 

Now, to add insult to injury, Nursery has shut for the day, on the one day a week we get to truly relax. No rest for the wicked!

[PistoldPete2]

1 hour ago, TigerTedd said:

This is a long thread to catch up on, so, to be honest, I haven’t. 

So I’ll tell you about my wife because a) you, or someone else, might find it interesting, and b) you, or someone else, might have some advice. 

She came home from work in an ambulance just before Christmas. She was having pains in her chest, but ignored it, then she just broke down in tears on the phone to a random customer. 

They called 111, who got a paramedic out, and cos she’s had issues with her heart before, she called an ambulance. 

Turns out it wasn’t a recurrence of her heart issue, but an anxiety attack, which can cause a pain in the chest, which feels like it’s the heart, but it’s not. 

Shes was the 5th in a team of 8 to go off with stress, including her manager. 

Thing is though, it’s not the job that has necessarily sent her over the edge. It’s the kids. 

She’s been seeing a therapist now. And moving away from her family and friends 9 years ago was bad enough. But what really kicked it off was finding out we were expecting a surprise package, just 3 or 4 months after the second (the 1st is a bit older 5 when the second was born, and an absolute god send most of the time). But two babies is hard work. 

I know this thread starts with the question, what are the signs. 

Well this really worried me, as I knew she was getting more and more stressed. She’d get up in the middle of the night, and I’d find her sat in the living room crying and contemplating the decisions that got her to this point. And crying over the guilt of sort of blaming our daughter, and therefore not being able to bond with her like she wants to (despite clearly loving her to bits). 

I’m not a great help. I’m self employed, so I’m very inconsistent. Sometimes I’m around for the school run and bath time. But sometimes I’m out til 10pm without much warning. And there’s added stress from me never really knowing what I’m gojng to earn from one week to the next.

I’d get texts from her saying she’s going punch a kid in the face soon. 

I kept thinking, it’ll get easier, and tried to reassures her that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. They’ll get slightly less dependant week after week. And she’ll be fine. 

But then I kept worrying that that is probably exactly what husbands do, right before their wife wraps the kids in the back of a car and drives into a river. I’m sure my wife would never ever contemplate that, but I bet they said the same thing. 

I did at least her recognise all was not well, and told her she should speak to the doctor  but she bever did  

So im very glad she had this break down at work. As it got her to go to the doctor and the therapist. 

Thing is, she really wants to go back to work. When she was on maternity leave, going back to work was her light at the end of the tunnel, and she really enjoyed going back. But then it started getting really stressful at work too, and that was the final straw. No sanctuary anywhere. 

A couple of weeks ago, she was scheduled to go back to work (they’ve made some changes apparently, and most people in her team have returned now), on half days, but got a chest infection. She thought, she couldn’t possibly call in sick on her first day back, so she went anyway for 2 days, and then had to call in sick on the 3rd. 

The next week she went back to work and started getting pains in her chest again. She didn’t feel mentally too stressed though. She went to the pharmacist at lunch time, who said that he should really be calling an ambulance again, if those were her symptoms. She played it down and had a return to work interview with her manager in the afternoon. 

I told her to tell her manager about it, and she sent her straight home (after she made her manager cry with all she’s been through). 

I told her that it’s like coming back after a major operation. Even if you feel okay, you still need to give it a couple of weeks after that, not just jump straight back in. 

The new plan is that she’ll take a couple of weeks off, then go back for 2 hours a day for a few weeks. I’m not sure how that’ll work. 

Now im stressing out, cos, to be honest, I’ve had a very stressful couple of years (which, to be honest, my wife has probably had a lot of it deflected into her). Now I’m desperately trying to make the next big thing happen, so she doesn’t have to go back to work, but at the same time I’m trying to pick up the slack at home to give her less to worry about, taking her out for nice lunches and things when the kids are at nursery (when I really should be working). 

Now, to add insult to injury, Nursery has shut for the day, on the one day a week we get to truly relax. No rest for the wicked!

Sorry to hear this ted. I think it's actually more difficult than recovering from an operation, cos you will get setbacks and it's not a straight line to recovery. But the key is to identify the signs, and to work out managing techniques. 

[Ramshankered]

On 26/01/2018 at 09:44, Lambchop said:

Even if it’s unintentional her approach is still having a negative affect on your gf’s working life, which can’t be good for the school either. You'd hope that a good Head would at least offer guidance to the HoD and reassurance and support to your partner. As others have said, it’s stressful enough without having someone on your back all the time.

Having been part of a department that went from being close knit, positive and supportive to a majority being ill and/or leaving within the space of a year, I’ve seen the impact a poor HoD can have. I really hope it gets sorted for her. 

Very, very late reply but thanks for this – she's got a meeting soon with her line manager (poor sod), so she'll be going in all gun's blazing. 

[McRainy]

1 hour ago, Ramshankered said:

Very, very late reply but thanks for this – she's got a meeting soon with her line manager (poor sod), so she'll be going in all gun's blazing. 

Good for her! I think it’s important in these situations to recognise that the problem isn’t her. So often the burden of responsibility and the expectation to change is placed on the individual who is ‘not coping’, where the issue is really situational. 

A friend is going through this at the moment and had her meeting yesterday. She went in with a clear agenda, listing the things which were not working, the things that had been tried which had helped, those which hadn’t helped, and specific suggestions for what to try next. She was also clear about the support she needed from the senior leadership. 

Being proactive helped her to feel more positive and in control of the process and gave the impression that she was assessing the situation in a professional as well as a personal manner. Several changes have been agreed and she is now feeling more hopeful. 

Hopefully your partner will get the understanding and support that she needs and deserves. 

[Sith Happens]

4 hours ago, TigerTedd said:

This is a long thread to catch up on, so, to be honest, I haven’t. 

So I’ll tell you about my wife because a) you, or someone else, might find it interesting, and b) you, or someone else, might have some advice. 

She came home from work in an ambulance just before Christmas. She was having pains in her chest, but ignored it, then she just broke down in tears on the phone to a random customer. 

They called 111, who got a paramedic out, and cos she’s had issues with her heart before, she called an ambulance. 

Turns out it wasn’t a recurrence of her heart issue, but an anxiety attack, which can cause a pain in the chest, which feels like it’s the heart, but it’s not. 

Shes was the 5th in a team of 8 to go off with stress, including her manager. 

Thing is though, it’s not the job that has necessarily sent her over the edge. It’s the kids. 

She’s been seeing a therapist now. And moving away from her family and friends 9 years ago was bad enough. But what really kicked it off was finding out we were expecting a surprise package, just 3 or 4 months after the second (the 1st is a bit older 5 when the second was born, and an absolute god send most of the time). But two babies is hard work. 

I know this thread starts with the question, what are the signs. 

Well this really worried me, as I knew she was getting more and more stressed. She’d get up in the middle of the night, and I’d find her sat in the living room crying and contemplating the decisions that got her to this point. And crying over the guilt of sort of blaming our daughter, and therefore not being able to bond with her like she wants to (despite clearly loving her to bits). 

I’m not a great help. I’m self employed, so I’m very inconsistent. Sometimes I’m around for the school run and bath time. But sometimes I’m out til 10pm without much warning. And there’s added stress from me never really knowing what I’m gojng to earn from one week to the next.

I’d get texts from her saying she’s going punch a kid in the face soon. 

I kept thinking, it’ll get easier, and tried to reassures her that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. They’ll get slightly less dependant week after week. And she’ll be fine. 

But then I kept worrying that that is probably exactly what husbands do, right before their wife wraps the kids in the back of a car and drives into a river. I’m sure my wife would never ever contemplate that, but I bet they said the same thing. 

I did at least her recognise all was not well, and told her she should speak to the doctor  but she bever did  

So im very glad she had this break down at work. As it got her to go to the doctor and the therapist. 

Thing is, she really wants to go back to work. When she was on maternity leave, going back to work was her light at the end of the tunnel, and she really enjoyed going back. But then it started getting really stressful at work too, and that was the final straw. No sanctuary anywhere. 

A couple of weeks ago, she was scheduled to go back to work (they’ve made some changes apparently, and most people in her team have returned now), on half days, but got a chest infection. She thought, she couldn’t possibly call in sick on her first day back, so she went anyway for 2 days, and then had to call in sick on the 3rd. 

The next week she went back to work and started getting pains in her chest again. She didn’t feel mentally too stressed though. She went to the pharmacist at lunch time, who said that he should really be calling an ambulance again, if those were her symptoms. She played it down and had a return to work interview with her manager in the afternoon. 

I told her to tell her manager about it, and she sent her straight home (after she made her manager cry with all she’s been through). 

I told her that it’s like coming back after a major operation. Even if you feel okay, you still need to give it a couple of weeks after that, not just jump straight back in. 

The new plan is that she’ll take a couple of weeks off, then go back for 2 hours a day for a few weeks. I’m not sure how that’ll work. 

Now im stressing out, cos, to be honest, I’ve had a very stressful couple of years (which, to be honest, my wife has probably had a lot of it deflected into her). Now I’m desperately trying to make the next big thing happen, so she doesn’t have to go back to work, but at the same time I’m trying to pick up the slack at home to give her less to worry about, taking her out for nice lunches and things when the kids are at nursery (when I really should be working). 

Now, to add insult to injury, Nursery has shut for the day, on the one day a week we get to truly relax. No rest for the wicked!

It really can be difficult. As you say the signs, what are they?

I think when I look back, things like starting to let the smallest thing really irritate me. to the point i'd really get quite angry about things.

I know i said things to my wife i shouldnt have, looking for reasons to lash out, which isnt good and when i did i felt immediately worse after (i dont mean physicially but verbally which i still regret).

Thankfully I am calmer now since i started the medication.

I think the key is as you say you cant just go straight back, sometimes it takes a long time and your wifes occupation health if they have one should help with that.

Sometimes you do think things and conspiring against you, today my second day back and the A38 is closed due to an accident, so after 3 hours if trying to get somewhere i turned round and came home. I found myself getting annoyed but then stopped myself and thought someone could have died, they may have i dont know, i know it was a very serious accident.

I am trying to tell myself i should set myself very small achievable goals.