1967Ram

A thorough description of how men and women are very different. (Obviously from a woman’s perspective).
Men Are Just Happier People!
What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another service station toilet because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress - £5,000. Tux rental - £100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day break requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend. Your underwear is £8.95 for a three-pack. Two pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes - one colour for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache... You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24th in 25 minutes.
No wonder men are happier!
NICKNAMES
If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba and Wildman.
EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in £20, even though it's only for £32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
MONEY
A man will pay £2 for a £1 item he needs.
A woman will pay £1 for a £2 item that she doesn't need, but it's on sale.
BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337 A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the rubbish, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

Wife's  Diary:    
Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird.  We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. 
I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late,      
but he made no comment on it. 
Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk.
He agreed, but he didn't say much. 
I asked him what was wrong; He said, "nothing." 
I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. 
He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. 
On the way home, I told him that I loved him. 
He smiled slightly, and kept driving.  I can't explain his behaviour. 
I don't know why he didn't say, “I love you, too.” 
When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore.
He just sat there quietly, and watched TV.  He continued to seem distant and absent. 
Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed.  About 15 minutes later, he came to bed.
But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else.  He fell asleep; I cried.
I don't know what to do.  I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else.  My life is a disaster. 

Husband's  Diary: 
Who the duck loses to Watford?

The wife took me out for a drive in the countryside and she said to me sexily with a wink "why don't we do something we've never done in the car before"
"Go on then" I said, "put it in 4th gear"

We had a 5.7 magnitude earthquake close to Reykjavík just earlier.  A parliament member was making a speech at parliament at the time.
He probably won't get reelected

They used to use urine to tan animal skins, so families used to all pee in a pot & then once a day it was taken & sold to the tannery. If you had to do this to survive you were "piss poor."
But worse than that were the really poor folk who couldn't even afford to buy a pot; they "didn't have a pot to piss in" & were the lowest of the low.
The next time you are washing your hands & complain because the water temperature isn't just how you like it, think about how things used to be. Here are some facts about the 1500s.
Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May, and they still smelled pretty good by June. Since they were starting to smell, however, brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor. Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.
Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women, and finally the children. Last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it . . . hence the saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the Bath water!"
Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof, resulting in the idiom, "It's raining cats and dogs."
There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could mess up your nice clean bed, therefore, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That's how canopy beds came into existence.
The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt, leading folks to coin the phrase "dirt poor."
The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they added more thresh until, when you opened the door, it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entrance-way, subsequently creating a "thresh hold."
In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire.. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while, and thus the rhyme, "Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old."
Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man could, "bring home the bacon." They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and "chew the fat."
Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.
Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or the "upper crust."
Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial.. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up, creating the custom of holding a wake.
England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a bone-house, and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive, so they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the graveyard shift.) to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be, saved by the bell or was considered a dead ringer.

Have you noticed how many F1 drivers have names linked to Scottish cities and towns?
Stirling Moss
Lewis Hamilton 
Eddie Irvine
Ayr Town Centre....

A young guy called Tommy bought a horse from a farmer for £250 and the farmer agreed to deliver the horse to Tommy the following day.
The next day though, the farmer turned up at Tommy’s house and said, “Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died.”
Tommy replied, “Well, then just give me my money back. That’s fine.”
The farmer said, “Sorry, I can’t do that. I went and spent it already.”
Tommy then said, “Okay, then, just bring me the dead horse.”
The farmer was surprised and asked Tommy, “Why? What ya gonna do with him?”
Tommy replied, “I’m going to raffle him off.”
The farmer laughed and said, “You can’t raffle off a dead horse! Who’d buy a ticket?”
Tommy answered, “Sure I can, just watch me. I just won’t tell anybody the horse is dead.”
A month later, the farmer met up with Tommy again and asked, “What happened with that dead horse in the end. Did you raffle him off?”
Tommy said, “I sure did. I sold 500 tickets at £5 a piece.”
The farmer said, “Didn’t anyone complain?”
Tommy smiled and said, “Just the guy who won. So I gave him his £5 back.”

It was but wassells was almost as impressive as a rookie manager I think......the only reason I highlight that is that wassells a more realistic and acceptable  proposition in Mel's eyes I would imagine

It's not going to happen but his win rate when he was in charge is very impressive.

Except giving us the best season since we got relegated from the Prem. Lampard was close, but the first Mac season was fantastic.

At least he could speak the same language as MtW.

Chris Martin's scored 

Just got Julien de Sart flashbacks

The record needs addressing once and for all. Chris Martin did not leave Derby County. He was forced out. Reduced terms and length of contract were not an issue. After 7 years of no sausages in the Moor Farm canteen, the poor man could take no more and when it was rumoured that pies and chips were to be removed from the menu then you can understand the distress this caused. I have no doubt that a constructive dismal case will ensue. 

No marriage is safe with that cheeky little home wrecker up to his old tricks!

Been on anxiety medication since October, those that I speak to and see on here will know the difference it’s made to my life.
Booked my first holiday abroad since I was 16 ish in October, today had my first hypnotherapy appointment through Zoom from a Derby fan on Twitter who is a councillor and hypnotherapist, was a little sceptical about it all, but it was actually very good.
It’s not like you see on TV where they have you barking on stage like a dog, she runs you through past experiences in your head and asks you to visualise past events and places you in a 3rd person perspective. It’s hard to explain but I came off feeling strangle a little “high” if that makes sense, really relaxed and it’s quite bizarre. 
If you’re willing to embrace it and go with it, I can see it being quite rewarding, definitely will be continuing with it.

Cheers everyone. The one thing I really didn’t want was to spend today in hospital. It’s been tough as because of Coronavirus we are limited to one parent staying and the other is only allowed 2-7. 
She’s doing ok and is expected to make a full recovery, what happened on Tuesday has happened 4 times now (Tuesday was the 3rd) and they are finally acting on it. 
I managed to see my wife and daughter on my birthday, it was only for 5 hours but it could have quite easily have been for none. 
Thank you again to everyone, I just felt like I needed to vent yesterday to release a bit of frustration, disappointment, anger. 
This photo sums up our relationship to a tee. 

Currently re-watching Mad Dogs on NowTV (Sky) though not sure I've seen all the seasons. Brilliant TV - funny, bloody scary, emotional. 

Currently re-watching Mad Dogs on NowTV (Sky) though not sure I've seen all the seasons. Brilliant TV - funny, bloody scary, emotional. 

Another BBQ, that’s 4 I have now ?

Got bored with nothing to do on weekends so I bought a 2.700m door and pulled the back of the house down.

I gave a like because you have explained your many emotions so honestly.
Death has an amazing way of making us focus on what’s really important. The love you have for your family is evident and it will help you through.
None of us knows when our time will come. We can either wait for it or enjoy the ride.
My thoughts are with you and those around you.
Take time for your own healing amongst the good deeds you do to help others.
 

It hurt me reading this and I can’t even guess what thoughts are running a whirlwind around your head and what emotions tug away at your heart. I just hope, and it’s a small hope, that writing down what you did, gave you some comfort of clarity. X

So, yer mam dies in her early 40's, when you are 16.  2 years later, yer dad dies, still in his 40's, albeit 49.  This leaves you, as an 18 year old only boy, 3 elder sisters (21, 24 & 27), and the baby of the bunch, little sis who is still only 9 at this stage.
I guess what happens next is you start to wonder... will I manage to live a bit longer than my parents?... who will be the first sibling to cop it... and when!
Those thoughts have never left me.  4 of us have since lived longer than our parents, thankfully.  Baby sis has now lived longer than mum, and is closing in on the age dad was, so all good there, I guess.
I have to admit, on the day I equalled Dad's age, I was a little bit emotional, if truth be told.  Relief?  Guilt?  No idea, but it was a weird feeling!
But the one thing I have literally been dreading since being left an "orphan"... over 39 years ago now... is the first of us siblings going. 
...It happened last night! 

The sister up from me (so the third eldest) lasted until she was 60.... and two months.  I guess we shouldn't moan, given the family history, but I can't describe the gut-wrenching feeling, now the first one of us has gone!  This is the day I have been dreading for over 39 bloody years!
Depressed?  No.  Not in the true sense.
Anxious?  You bet!
Stress?  Not yet, but I'm sure that will come, as we try and help our 24 year old nephew (Sis's only child) through the next few days, weeks, and maybe even years.  Lot's to do.  Lot's to sort out.  Him and us.  There's no-one else to do it!
The first of my siblings gone... out of the blue... no warning!  Suddenly, I no longer feel immortal!
Eldest sis (67 next month) is feeling guilty, not being the first to go!
Baby sis is distraught, and now has to face her first close-relative mourning since becoming a 9 year old orphan!
Being old fashioned, I feel the need to take the lead.  To be practical.  The only boy, and all that!  Time to become a man!  Time to take charge, I guess, and stay strong for my remaining 3 sisters, and my nephew... but I can't help but feel vulnerable this morning, if truth be told.
Thankfully, I have the strongest, most wonderful wife tight by my side, so all is not lost!
I'm sure I'm not the first to lose a sibling, of course, but right now, feeling the way I do, a feeling I've never experienced before, is daunting to say the least.
It feels different to losing a parent.  It feels different to losing a granddaughter at 1 hour old.  Maybe not worse.  Maybe not easier.  But closer, I guess.  More frightening.  Too close for comfort!
Not looking for sympathy.  Just an ear.  Just a shoulder to lean on.  I may be back, I may not.  Having not been through this particular emotion, I really don't know what happens next!
 
PS:
Yes... yesterday's game really was poo, wasn't it!
 

Just want to make a quick point whilst i think about it because i believe this to be VERY important.
Yesterday, looking back at my activity on the forum i was probably at my wittiest (if i do say so myself) and seemingly happiest.
This couldn't be further from the truth.
I spent most of the day waiting on a phone call from my Mum as my Grandma was in hospital getting results from some tests. All day i was in another world with worry. This forum, in particular the Paddy Padster thread was a huge outlet for me in which i genuinely enjoyed in the midst of worry.
There isn't a particularly happy ending to the day either as it seems the results showed cancer. The rest of the day was a blur of giving support and trying to process the news for myself.
 
I suppose the message is... You really don't know what is going on at the other side of peoples computer screens, so try and be nice to each other.
 
Also, i suppose i should offer a bit of thanks to @David . For giving us this outlet. However, i must stress, this is the only thing you're good for.