DarkFruitsRam7

Matt Edmondson is by far the most irritating individual ever to be allowed on the radio.  His voice wants to make me cut my ears off, blend them and pour the resulting mulch down the toilet!!!  Other than him, I still enjoy Radio 1, however I'm getting scarily close to finding the songs they play indistinguishable from each other and switching to Radio 2.  At which point I will buy myself a pipe and tartan slippers because I'll be officially old...

Americanisms:
Saying May 6 instead of 6th May or May the 6th. Especially bad on film & Sport adverts
When did TV series' become seasons instead?. I hate that rather a lot.
Black Friday - for being a pointless American shopping import that just ***** up Christmas for the retailers and a stupid "brand" again.

Who posted that ? 

That COD 4 teaser at the end 
Infinate looks like another super halo jumping bolloux

Shipment = 3 X Frags, juggernaut and martyrdom...
They'd best not mess with the mechanics at all. Update the graphics, slap it on dedicated servers and leave the rest alone.
I go back to CoD4 every 6 months or so. It's still incredibly enjoyable if you can find a decent lobby. The maps have never been bettered, the kill streaks are nice and simple and not massively overpowered, and anything and everything can be countered. Best of all, no f*cking future cr*p. 

Taking a leaf out of our forum colleagues book. A curtains special.  A random youtube link!
 

Mostyn, I wish I'd not been on a self imposed exile seeing this thread, not only you but some of the other replies have shocked me and also made me think about the way I post to one or two members. I'll stop to think a bit more in future.
I've not read the rest of the thread yet and there's a couple of months gap, so hopefully by now you're ok.
BUT, if you're not mate, give me a shout and we can go out for a pint.
As someone who has lost everything (and almost everyone) over the last couple of years and taken knock after knock after knock I'd be happy to have a chat to see if we can't knock some positive sense into each other. 
I can't explain why every night before I finally get to sleep, I know things are going to turn around, but I know they are. Then I wake up the next day and start thinking I'll never get out of this hole and can't and don't want to face anyone.
No matter what our views are on football, I've seen enough from you to know that underneath the forum persona is a very decent bloke with a decent heart.
You're a good lad mate, good lads eventually work through things. They need support around them to climb back up, that's all.
You've got my email address pal, I'm in Derby often enough so that it wouldn't be out of my way.
What is frightening, the amount of people I'd assume were incredibly happy and fantastically well balanced who've struggled or are struggling still. 
I'd include myself in that as well.
Blimey but what an eye opening thread.

I have had real lows the last few weeks so i decided Monday that i shall walk myself fit, i decided in my wisdom that due to my weight that running was never going to achieve my goals so i decided that i shall walk a set route each day of this week, i have now covered 44k (27m), it is having a positive effect with my sleeping pattern because i am now going to bed physically tired and not just emotionally, i am really coping which is fantastic.

This thread just goes to show how common it is to have dark times in your life, and how little it is in the public domain.
I struggled whilst at University, not really understanding who I was, questioning my value to those around me. That culminated on my 20th birthday when I left my friends at the time, went home and spent some time self-harming. Luckily I didn't do much damage, but for someone who was very happy and confident before going to University, was quite a shock to me, let alone friends and family.
For me, I felt like I needed to make a change and take control back of my life which involved moving to Warsaw to teach English and be somewhere that needed me to rely on myself. Not saying that's the best option for everyone, but it worked for me. 
Fast forward 12 years and my birthday at the end of May will see me 6 years married, a dog, mortgage, job I love, friends around me and having the confidence to stand up and perform a wedding ceremony for my friends myself. (I'm not a priest by the way!). That's all on top of a great year doing 1884 Group stuff and putting myself out there for ridicule.
It's funny how life works, and I wouldn't want anybody to think I was trying to compare a low point in my life to the struggles others face, some of which are very difficult to read, but I hope I can give a shred of comfort that life can get better if you give it a chance to do so.

Years ago I had some physical issues that led me to go to the doc. He did some tests and said that there was something definately wrong but he needed to do more tests before knowing for sure what was going on. First tests however suggested that it could be a cancer and it might be in my liver. My dad's brother had died that way a few years earlier and I knew if it was a liver cancer I would be dead in a few months.
I got the first test results just before national holiday and had to wait for further test results for eleven days. I didn't want to ruin my girlfriends holiday and didn't tell her about what was going on. I decided to act normal instead.
However it took her less than a day to realise that something was up. You see for her not to notice I was worried I started to act very upbeat which is not really me and so she asked me pretty soon what was going on. I, trying to be a stand up guy told her everything was fine. Soon she asked again and said that "look I know something's up, just tell me". I told her not to worry and go spend her holiday with her family and enjoy herself.
Finally I got the results back and the doc told me he didn't know what's wrong with me but it ain't cancer. Phew. I was naturally very happy and went home. "Hey honey I need you tell something". I told her the whole story and waited her to be happy about the news and how I had handled things.
She was livid. How could have I been such an idiot. She knew something was up as soon as I walked home the first time. Actually since I was trying to act upbeat she had spend her holidays convinced that I had fallen in love with somebody else and was going to leave her. I was confused. I was trying to protect her and be a good boyfriend and I was given hell by her.
After she had cooled off she told me something  that changed my life. She loved me, she had chosen to be with me and she had every right to know what was going on in my life. And that is it. If you really love someone you should share everything with them. It's never just about yourself. They have the right to know so they can have a chance to do what they want to do for you.
So to answer the question. No, it really didn't work for me.

@RamDon I found your post incredibly moving to read. It was a good job I was reading it on the loo at home and not at work! As someone who floats between content and misery with regularity, I take incredible comfort (if that's the word!) in knowing that I am not alone in having dark thoughts.
I don't think I've been to the extremes though, hence the initial post asking how people know when they've hit the bottom, I've certainly had moments thinking about ending it all, and think I've almost attempted to twice over 20 years.
My situation is borne out of loneliness, and lack of intimacy, I'm sure of it. I struggle to find purpose in life. I've found a good way to paper over the cracks is by having things to look forward to. My recent holiday to Portugal kept my mind occupied for a while and gave me something to focus on, but even leading up to that, I felt incredibly low at my feelings that friends cannot make time for me, so my days were Work, Home, Eat, Sleep, repeat, and nothing else. Since returning from that holiday, the low feeling returned, and the emptiness. I've not seen any of the other 16 lads I went away with since, which is part of it.
I know a lot of people have it worse than me. SO I try not to burden people with my issues. But thank you for posting your story. 

i kept putting off my chest pains over the last few months putting it down to indigestion , anxiety and stress.
Ended up having a stent put in my heart , we are human and all vulnerable , no matter how strong we think 
we are . i don't know what your symptoms are @uttoxram75 , never actually met you , get yourself sorted mate , and 
we'll meet up for a drink , sometime ..

My entire family (both parents; older sister and younger brother), excluding myself until last year, suffer seriously from depression. I was always aware that I too had a tendency towards depression but seemed to possess an innate ability to redirect my mind towards thoughts and/or activities which averted falling into a depressive state.
Even when a close mate died of a drug overdose after years where I was the only person who remained to support him through many attempts to get, and stay, 'clean'; even after his family denied him a funeral because they didn't want anyone to know he'd been a drug addict, I sought counselling and worked with families of addicts for years afterward by way of 'processing' all that happened.
But that changed just over 12 months ago when the brain damage I had so miraculously avoided when I 'died' of a pulmonary embolism on 31/10/2007 (I was clinically dead for 45 minutes apparently, then comatose for almost a month) was diagnosed as beginning to happen. Essentially, the diagnosis was that I would likely have all of the symptoms of Alzheimer's within 5-10 years; it's fair to say that I have always been proud of my intellect and strength of mind and the diagnosis struck directly at both. I couldn't divulge the diagnosis to my family and told only a couple of my closest friends. Not long after, the family learned that my father had been gambling once again. The combination hit me badly. I called in sick to work for the week that Sunday night as I could feel - for the first time in my life - a physical weight descend around me, crushing me. I know now it was my first - and only - episode with clinical depression; in a way, I knew it then.
Later that night (I have only admitted this to one person, a mate of 20 years + who had battled clinical depression for several years), I literally started trying to think if I should end it all.
The only thing which snapped me out of the downward spiral was my dog. After spending quite some time with him (saying 'goodbye' I suppose), Ned (very unusually) disobeyed my instruction to go outside and I went ballistic at him.
Ned was terrified, the first time he'd ever cowed in front of me. Having been an abused dog when I adopted him (in April 2007) who'd become confident to the point where few could imagine he'd been a scared, abused little dog when I adopted him, that cut me to the bone. It penetrated the 'fog' around my psyche; all I really immediately understood was that his last memory of me be frightening.
I spent the rest of that night just holding Ned, trying to make it up to him and sought help the next day.
But, had he not defied me and then responded with such obvious terror of me, I honestly don't know what would have stopped me doing something stupid that night. I have no idea what would have happened to be honest; intuitively, I believe I would have found something to cling on to. That, perhaps, is convenient revisionism; all I truly understand is that, for the first time in my life, I was literally careering out of control. 
Now having experienced it, I am strong again. Work has been tortuous in recent months (they've actually tried to use my future disability against me) and, if I was as vulnerable now as I was then, the outcome of recent months may not have been pretty. But I'm not. I am strong again and no one other than myself can undermine me mentally again. My sister and several close friends have proved whom I can lean on when, and if, I need it.

As you can tell I'm fairly new to this forum but i've read through this post with great interest, I think its wonderful on a football based forum that this type of subject is discussed.
I was always lead to believe that as a man I should be the strong silent type, stiff upper lip, take everything in my stride, not let anything bother me. I went through life pretty happily with that outlook, no real emotional highs or lows just plodding along as most folk do.
I was then involved in a head on car crash, which was no fault of my own, nothing I could do to avoid it, one second driving along listening to Ken Bruce, next second bang.
This has changed me forever, mentally and physically. I sustained life changing physical injuries. I've adapted to them pretty well and hopefully after a couple more operations this year I'll have no more pain or the need for constant pain killers.
But mentally, wow what a difference. Mrs, kids, mortgage, no income. I was self employed so entitled to bugger all. Savings soon disappear, help from family and friends soon disappears (although I'm incredibly grateful to them). Thats when the rot sets in, i was in pain that I couldn't describe and wouldn't wish on anybody, unable to sleep so just lay awake worrying about things, the stiff upper lip soon disappears and I was a quivering, anxious, worried, in agony shell of the man I used to be. Thought about ending it all, couldn't do it to my family. But was I better alive or a burden. I couldn't even wipe my own arse, shower or brush my teeth, She was cutting my food up and feeding me! I'm sure my Mrs never signed up for that 20+ years ago!
I was diagnosed with post traumatic stress and as most types of treatment for this numb the nerves it was supposed to be the best thing for me to relieve some pain. Non of em worked, still in agony, still a nervous wreck, worried about everything. Strange side effects, some sexual ones as have been mentioned by others. No fun having a boner 24/7 and being able to go like a stallion when your falling to bits, wish i'd took em when i was 18 though.
Wow I've just read back through this and didn't realise I'd rambled on so much, i do apologise. This brings me to my point though. Talk to people, for Gods (deity of ones choosing) sake, talk to someone, anyone. I saw a therapist, very sceptical at first, but it's great to get it of your chest. I've been lucky my Mrs, kids and close family have been amazing, I wouldn't have got through it without them, I'm a different person now, I cry watching supervet on the TV, I would never have done that before my accident as it wasn't the thing to do. And the thing that got me through it all was talking to people and expressing how I felt, not bottling things up and screaming out loud when I had to!
It might not work for everyone, I can only give input from my experience, but it got me through the darkest days of my life. I'm still not fully recovered but I can see a bright light at the end of a very long dark tunnel.
 

One thing about Fawaz, he never follows through.
Whether it's a fart, a payment, or the promise of a 3rd star, he doesn't follow through, ever!

After spending the majority of 6 years inside the house I'd like to think I know how you feel. 
It's hard, really hard and most people reading this won't understand what goes off in your head, something so normal as going to the corner shop to pick up a paper scared me to death. 
I won't ever claim to know the secret of overcoming it, for me it was almost forced through a relationship breakdown which at the time absolutely messed me up but looking back was also the best thing to have happened. I was too comfortable, no pressure to go outside so it was easy to put it off for another day. Tomorrow I'll try, tomorrow never comes.
The person that helped me the most was my ex girlfriends mum, the motivation of trying to win her daughter back helped me go down to the doctors, after going through all the surgeries on the NHS website not one would actually come out to me which is just nuts.
Other than finding out I had seriously low levels of vitamin D and my knee was knackered they were pretty much useless, tried to put me on anti depressants, the ones that were so strong they turn you into a zombie. After refusing them I was told to go away and find myself a councillor instead. 
For me taking pills to zombify myself would only mask the issue, it was a course that I wouldn't be able to just stop either, I would have to lower the dose over several months if not years. Vitamin D supplements helped boost my energy, the main source of vitamin D is the sun, I had zero. It's also been linked to SAD and why people struggle so much in the winter. How true that is I don't know. Helped me.
I won't knock the NHS as they do a lot of good but the support and treatment for mental health issues up here at least is shocking.
Now this probably isn't the best advice but what worked for me was I called a mate, opened up, told him everything, he thought I was just loved up and bombed my mates off. He was pretty surprised by everything as I kept it well hidden. Anyway, we started going to the pub, at first sat outside, he would go in, bring the drinks out. I would have half, panic, go home. 
Couple days later try again, having a mate that knew what was happening, was aware that I may suddenly start legging it home made it so much easier and he would come round unannounced some nights just to get me out. 
22nd October 2013 I had my first pint inside the pub. 
1st December 2013 me and my mate ended up in a gay bar down town, didn't realise until the cross dressing DJ got on the decks playing Take That.
[Insert a year of realising how great it is to be outside, going to the pub, seeing mates, online dating]
3rd January 2015 I went to my first Derby game again for years, Southport in the cup.
Never happened overnight, there was fairy with a wand or magic pills. Small small steps, one day at a time and if you fail one day it's ok, don't hammer yourself for it just try again the next day. I'm still not fully cured so to speak, I still have a few moments where I need to walk away and compose myself. 
Knowing what I missed out on helps drive me through each day, I'm not religious, I don't believe in after life or I will have a second chance. 6 years I've lost of my life and there won't be a day goes by that I'm not kicking myself for it. Easier said than done but don't waste another day, you will never get them back.

I don't blame you for not wanting to walk into the Brunny.

Manage to stay up for the launch, @Carl Sagan?  
Can't say I did, caught up with it this morning. Me likey. Don't think I'll be able to afford $35k, though, and knowing me I'd forget to charge it and not get to work in the morning!
 

Just me, then.

Finally found the song from the Quantum Break advert... not fussed about the game, but the cover of Come as You Are is as brilliant as it is haunting...
 

Currently playing H1Z1 (Just Survive) and notched up my 2000th hour ingame.
Apparently there is a world outside as well...

he was on about Cheltenham

The future of driving, the Tesla Model S.
Totally electric, so zero emissions. Accelerates way faster than a porsche. No engine so massive storage space as it's front and back. No rubbish like gear levers (just a control on the steering wheel). Giant touchscreen. 300+ miles on a full charge. Gets better after you buy it through over-the-air updates. Can actually drive itself, if only it were legal! Free electricity for ever, via their network of supercharger stations (there's one 10 minutes from me). So unbelievably safe, no one has ever died in an accident driving a Tesla. The Model S is the one on the left. Lovely little details, like you'll see the door handles become flush with the car when you're not using them, to lower air resistance.

 
PS Actually, I'm still saving up, but it will be mine soon - oh yes...