Mr. P

I hired a skip, borrowed a branch shredder & went crazy in the garden. Rock ‘n roll. 

750 bog rolls.

Got bored with nothing to do on weekends so I bought a 2.700m door and pulled the back of the house down.

How Do Court Reporters Keep Straight Faces? 
 
  These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts and are things people actually said ... 
  in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had 
  the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place. 
 
  ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning? 
  WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?' 
  ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you? 
  WITNESS: My name is Susan! 
  _______________________________ 
  ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? 
  WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. 
  ____________________________________________ 
  ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active? 
  WITNESS: No, I just lie there. 
  ____________________________________________ 
  ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth? 
  WITNESS: July 18th. 
  ATTORNEY: What year? 
  WITNESS: Every year. 
  _____________________________________ 
  ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you? 
  WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which. 
  ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you? 
  WITNESS: Forty-five years. 
  _________________________________ 
  ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? 
  WITNESS: Yes. 
  ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory? 
  WITNESS: I forget.. 
  ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot? 
  ___________________________________________ 
  ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? 
  WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam? 
  ____________________________________ 
 
  ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he? 
  WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ. 
  ___________________________________________ 
  ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken? 
  WITNESS: Are you pooping me? 
  _________________________________________ 
  ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? 
  WITNESS: Yes. 
  ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time? 
  WITNESS: Getting laid 
  ____________________________________________ 
 
  ATTORNEY: She had three children , right? 
  WITNESS: Yes. 
  ATTORNEY: How many were boys? 
  WITNESS: None. 
  ATTORNEY: Were there any girls? 
  WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney? 
  ____________________________________________ 
  ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated? 
  WITNESS: By death.. 
  ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated? 
  WITNESS: Take a guess. 
  ___________________________________________ 
 
  ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual? 
  WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard 
  ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female? 
  WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male. 
  _____________________________________ 
  ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? 
  WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. 
  ______________________________________ 
  ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? 
  WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight. 
  _________________________________________ 
  ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to? 
  WITNESS: Oral... 
  _________________________________________ 
  ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? 
  WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM 
  ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? 
  WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished. 
  ____________________________________________ 
  ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? 
  WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question? 
 
  ______________________________________ 
  And last: 
 
  ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? 
  WITNESS: No. 
  ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? 
  WITNESS: No. 
  ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing? 
  WITNESS: No.. 
  ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? 
  WITNESS: No. 
  ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor? 
  WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. 
  ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? 
  WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law. 
 
 
 

Are all Americans like that? Tiger King is nuts. Give them a few tigers, an elephant, 3 wives & some guns and it sends them crazy. There's more tigers in captivity in America than  in the wild. duck. A bit rich what OJ Simpson said about Carole Baskin. 

After spending 20 minutes trying to get my wifes bra off, I decided to give up. I wish I never put it on now!  

Clever Isn’t it? Basically trying to burn the national flag. Rumour has it, they’re still there now trying to set fire to it! 

Clever Isn’t it? Basically trying to burn the national flag. Rumour has it, they’re still there now trying to set fire to it! 

Anyone that enjoyed Telltale games will be perhaps disappointed that it seems to finishing. Meaning The Walking Dead & The Wolf Among Us 2 won't be finishing/starting.
 
 

Anyone that enjoyed Telltale games will be perhaps disappointed that it seems to finishing. Meaning The Walking Dead & The Wolf Among Us 2 won't be finishing/starting.
 
 

Jim Walker the forgotten man
As many of you know I have been for the last 18 months meeting up with the old brigade, the proper DCFC legends, the ones that put us on the map in footballing terms, the ones that made us the best team in England and got us to the European Cup semi finals, the teams of 71/72 and 74/75.
It started off as way to spend time with my Dad who was a bit lost after the loss of my mum, he is a season ticket holder now and was back in the day so I started off out on a journey that has lead us to meet most of them, one of them remains elusive and one didn’t wish to participate.
All of them have been fantastic, eager to tell stories of the great Brian Clough and the amazing fortunes of Derby County who in those bleak years of three day weeks, power blackouts, strikes and Rolls Royce nearly going under taking thousands of local jobs with it gave the people of Derby something to be proud of.
Upon meeting one of those legends, Jim Walker I was particularly struck by how at peace he was with the world, very relaxed, very friendly and by far the best story teller of them all.
Jim had not long ago lost his wife to illness so immediately him and my dad had something in common other than the love of football, he made us very welcome and gave us an open invite to go round when ever to continue with the tales.
Now most people may remember Jim as the guy who was signed by Clough & Taylor from non league football to play for Derby County and was a major part of the team that won promotion from division two in 1968/69.
He lost his place in the team to John Mcgovern but captained the reserves and stepped in when required to cover injuries of suspensions, this meant that he played only a few games in the 1971/72 season but it was his goal in a 1-0 win against Crystal Palace in late march that gave Derby both points and if you remember we won the league and finished first above dirty Leeds who were just one point behind and had a greater goal difference, so in effect Jim scored the goal that won us the First Division Championship.
Aswell as a footballer Jim is probably better known as the Aston Villa physio, he was there for around twenty years and served under many managers including Graham Taylor, Ron Atkinson, Brian Little and John Gregory, he was also the man charged with looking after Paul McGrath for many years both on and off the pitch and is spoken of in very high regard in Pauls autobiography.
He had a private practice at the Belfry for the golfers and was also the go to man at the NEC when any pop stars suffered an injury or needed attention from a physio, he worked with George Michael, Elton John, Neil Diamond, Michael Hutchence and Kylie to name a few hence him having so many fantastic stories.
Jim has also had illnesses this however does not dampen his spirit or take a smile from his face.
One thing that I was amazed to hear that Jim did not receive a medal for winning the league title despite being only one of sixteen players in that 71/72 season to have donned the shirt and scoring such a valuable goal.
When ever you see the pictures of the team celebrating and holding up their medals jim does not have one.
I approached Andy Ellis the club historian and the writer of many Derby County books and the fount of all knowledge and he confirmed it.
So we the approached the club and asked if they would support an application to Gordon Taylor of the PFA to ask if he would inturn support an application to the football league to present Jim with the medal that he should have received 46 years ago.
The club agreed and they sent the letter to Gordon Taylor who gave it his blessing and the approach was then made to the football league, this was back in February this year after the ball was started rolling in June of 2017 so it took a while.
I am delighted to say that the agreement was given and Derby County approached the very same jewellers who had made the original ones to make one for Jim, to the exact specifications of the original medals and in the same box and made from 9ct gold with all of the hall marks.
For some reason the club at this time can not be seen to publicly present Jim with the medal which is a great sadness as I thought that he was going to be able to step out on the pitch at Pride Park on the opening home game against Leeds (quite fitting as he stopped them winning the league with his goal), it is a litigious matter so I will comment no further other than to say that they did everything that they could.
So to wrap up the story I had the great honour of going to Jims house today with my dad and my son and presenting him with his long overdue medal, he had no idea that it was coming and to say that he was over whelmed is an understatement.
It was great to see his face and to have the privilege to do something like that, I had the medal at my house for a while but obviously didn’t want to post any pictures until now as it was a secret.
Not very often that you get to present a league championship winning medal on behalf of Derby County and to one of the few from those great days and can be called the legends.
We are hoping that Jim will still be able to have amore public presentation at sometime in the season at Pride Park when what ever issues are resolved.
Up the Rams !!
 

I scared the postman today by going to the door naked. I’m not sure what scared him more, my naked body or the fact that I knew where he lived!

Really enjoying Far Cry 5 right now.And can't wait till Friday to play the new God of War.Anyone else getting it?