Tamworthram

I actually found it deteriorated. 
The first few were ludicrous but strangely entertaining in an over the top 'look how crazy we all are shagging and taking drugs' kind of way. 
It then got turgid in a middle-classed navel gazing exercise of where it all went wrong. 

I get great satisfaction when the pigeons manage to read my sign and do their business on my wife’s car instead of mine:
”Always poo on the red car on the drive”

It puts you in the "I feel your pain, why did we do this" bracket every time it rains. Or when the trees shed their pollen. Or when previously unnoticed dust decides to blow onto the roof/bonnet seconds after cleaning it.
Or it marks you out as an easy going, live and let live guy who doesn't mind driving a dirty car. I wish I was like that.

We're living on teams it's as simple as that.
This advert is driving me mad. 
 

The Irishman . Three and a half hours of my life i wont get back . 4/10

My friend Dipstick just told me that he robbed a shop last night.
 "What did you get?" I asked.  "26 pictures," he smiled, showing me.
"The cheapest one is worth over £180,000."
I said, "Mate, these are from an estate agents."    
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 I couldn't believe it today, when I came home and was told by my wife that my 5-year-old son wasn't actually mine.
She says that I need to pay more attention when picking him up from school.
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My brother took being sent to jail really badly. He refused all offers of food and drink, spat and swore at anyone who came near him,
then smeared the walls with his own faeces.......

 I'll never play Monopoly with him again
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 My wife said she wanted to experiment in the bedroom...
So I got her a chemistry set and went to the pub.   
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I came home from the pub four hours late last night.
"Where the heck have you been?" screamed my wife.
I said, "I've been playing poker with some blokes."
"Playing poker with some blokes?" she repeated.
"Well, you can pack your bags and go!"

 "So can you," I said. "This isn't our house any more."                 
 

Currently re-watching Mad Dogs on NowTV (Sky) though not sure I've seen all the seasons. Brilliant TV - funny, bloody scary, emotional. 

My wife said to me, "You weren't even listening were you?"
I  thought, "That's a strange way to start a conversation!"

I thought I'd set your expectations low then you may be pleasantly surprised. (as I say to the wife but, I still seem to disappoint?)

I thought I'd set your expectations low then you may be pleasantly surprised. (as I say to the wife but, I still seem to disappoint?)

How Do Court Reporters Keep Straight Faces? 
 
  These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts and are things people actually said ... 
  in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had 
  the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place. 
 
  ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning? 
  WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?' 
  ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you? 
  WITNESS: My name is Susan! 
  _______________________________ 
  ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? 
  WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. 
  ____________________________________________ 
  ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active? 
  WITNESS: No, I just lie there. 
  ____________________________________________ 
  ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth? 
  WITNESS: July 18th. 
  ATTORNEY: What year? 
  WITNESS: Every year. 
  _____________________________________ 
  ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you? 
  WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which. 
  ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you? 
  WITNESS: Forty-five years. 
  _________________________________ 
  ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? 
  WITNESS: Yes. 
  ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory? 
  WITNESS: I forget.. 
  ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot? 
  ___________________________________________ 
  ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? 
  WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam? 
  ____________________________________ 
 
  ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he? 
  WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ. 
  ___________________________________________ 
  ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken? 
  WITNESS: Are you pooping me? 
  _________________________________________ 
  ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? 
  WITNESS: Yes. 
  ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time? 
  WITNESS: Getting laid 
  ____________________________________________ 
 
  ATTORNEY: She had three children , right? 
  WITNESS: Yes. 
  ATTORNEY: How many were boys? 
  WITNESS: None. 
  ATTORNEY: Were there any girls? 
  WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney? 
  ____________________________________________ 
  ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated? 
  WITNESS: By death.. 
  ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated? 
  WITNESS: Take a guess. 
  ___________________________________________ 
 
  ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual? 
  WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard 
  ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female? 
  WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male. 
  _____________________________________ 
  ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? 
  WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. 
  ______________________________________ 
  ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? 
  WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight. 
  _________________________________________ 
  ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to? 
  WITNESS: Oral... 
  _________________________________________ 
  ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? 
  WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM 
  ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? 
  WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished. 
  ____________________________________________ 
  ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? 
  WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question? 
 
  ______________________________________ 
  And last: 
 
  ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? 
  WITNESS: No. 
  ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? 
  WITNESS: No. 
  ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing? 
  WITNESS: No.. 
  ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? 
  WITNESS: No. 
  ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor? 
  WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. 
  ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? 
  WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law. 
 
 
 

An oldy but started watching Still Game on Netflix over lockdown, just to watch something less intense and it’s perfect. Just a daft and funny sitcom with a wee bit of heart. Lovely stuff and easy going. Final series is only on iplayer though at the moment.

Probably an unpopular opinion but I watched Once upon a time in Hollywood last weekend and quite enjoyed it. 7/10

Probably an unpopular opinion but I watched Once upon a time in Hollywood last weekend and quite enjoyed it. 7/10

Have to disagree. One of my favourite films.

Have to disagree. One of my favourite films.

On your recommendation I watched it last night and would agree with your assessment and rating. Good film with great British/Irish cast.
 

Agreed. One of the best films of all time. The country club scene and the ‘lemons’ is quite possibly the funniest scene in film history. Di Caprio at his finest! 

Ok who is going to tell B4 Cinemas will not be re-opening in 2020? Bagsy not me.

It certainly is mate.  Might give it a watch myself!
Lee Remick... Remind me... Is that the guy that went on to play The Six Million Dollar Man?

Easy viewing but Celebrity SAS started last night. Biggest disappointment though was Fash punching like a girl. Other that that, wasted an hour. 

I'm almost ashamed to admit it's one of my favourite films.
I'm afraid your criticism could be levelled at pretty much any film. 

My ignorance of Greek mythology has always been my Achilles Toe.