ariotofmyown

Reading the last couple of pages has been sad. Don't know what to say to comfort anyone but it'd be nice if @Paul71 and @reverendo de duivel didn't give up the forum.
Take a step back, sure. Be selective with who you talk to on here
But there's far more bullshittery on other social media and in the real world than on here. The names and faces are anonymous but rather than hide the person it just allows people to be themselves more. 
Stick around. You make this place better for others and it would be nice to not know whatever happened to you.

@Paul71 - if you really feel you need to leave then clearly that's your prerogative but without wanting to sound slushy, you are kind of one of the doyens round here and I think you'd be very much missed. Could you be persuaded to just take a week or two out? I think we all get jaded and I think we all need a break from time to time. I will tend to get enforced breaks every now and then (cheers mods!) as I'm a rude git with a potty-mouth so in some ways it's easier for me than some others. Certainly I feel the forum would be less than its current sum in your absence and I know many would agree with this view.
As for you @reverendo de duivel, come on chap! We can't lose you too! I have no idea what was said but I do know we all say daft things from time to time and texted responses can be open to multitudinous interpretations when folk are unsettled. Unlike myself, I don't think I've ever seen you be really knowingly rude or hurtful on the forum and as with @Paul71, the place would be poorer for your loss. We should judge ourselves and one another on the balance of what we say and do and not the silly moments we regret. I'd really hope that on reflection you too would reconsider your stance too.
Anyway, I'll shut up now bar saying yes, my motivations may be selfish, but that doesn't mean I'm wrong.! If we can all get through this shitstorm of a season without losing the plot then I'm sure we can raise our glasses to the next 10 years of this wonderful little corner of the interweb  of which yous two are very much part of the fabric?

Paul, first of all I do hope you change your mind and I'm sorry to hear you having a rough time coming off your meds, having recently been placed on medication I have been through similar whilst my body adjusted to being on the stuff, I'm not sure anyone has noticed I have been more inactive than I usually am but this is why.
I haven't really spoke about publicly as rightly or wrongly I still feel slightly embarrassed I have taken the "easy option", being someone that believed with the right mindset you could beat anything, part of me feels like I lost the battle, yet another part of me thinks I have made the best decision I have ever made and feel closer than ever to the people around me that anxiety was slowly pushing away.
You're not alone in words on this forum effecting people both positively and negatively, I have experienced both sides of this on many occasions, last night another negative experience which was brought on by your post. 
It's a reason why this forum not only exists but rules are in place where we won't tolerate profanity or insults towards other members, you really don't know what the person behind the username is going through and this forum could be that release they need. 
If my integrity is to be questioned, which I accepted it would be when signing the advertising contract with the club, my position was there are other forums available, and I stand by that. At the end of the day I do own and run this forum, whilst it's perfectly acceptable to not like me, disagree with what I say, I will never shy away from giving my opinion for fear of it being questioned.
I acknowledged your reply and apologised if it was meant as a "banter", but as you can see from the topic, others used it as a launchpad to question my integrity. The fact you dropped an angry reaction to my initial post that you replied to did not help with it coming across as "banter", but I truly apologise if that was the intention.
Personally I don't feel like those topics are the right place or time for banter, it's a serious situation, one which I took several hours absorbing before even replying, even now I'm struggling to wrap my head around it and until the court case has concluded I'm not sure it really will. Banter, joking around or even creating chants making light of the situation to me are incredibly insensitive.

I only finish games. I usually buy games a couple of years old 2nd hand and play them until they are finished. I often end up getting Assassin Creed games or Far Cry though. Think I done 4 AC games and 3 Far Cry ones. Got the 2nd to last AC game now but not started yet. Trying to catch up on tv at moment. Tough life.
Last AC I did was the one in London and it might have been my fave yet.
Should be time for RDR2 soon although never played the first one.
Played most the GTAs from 3 onwards. About time there was another surely. Loved the 3 original Mass Effect games as well.
Any recommendations from anyone who likes these sort of games?

I can remember years ago in our office we had a poster on the wall saying ‘The bulb has been removed from the light at the end of the tunnel ‘. Until some senior no sense of humour manager made us take it down. 
 
I’m not sure if that helps.,

I can't tell you how happy it makes me for you to say that. I'm so glad that my ramblings have been able to help in some way. It was my intention, partly because I was coming out of a very tough period myself and I told myself that it was all temporary. I feel it's important that any of us don't get bogged down in the here-and-now. I just hope you're feeling better - you've got an entire community of people on here all behind you. 

Think I’ve had 1 bottle of Budweiser in 2 and half years, the next mouthful of alcohol to go through my system I can guarantee you will not be cider. 
Had an argument with the doctors over my weight loss, tried to explain it wasn’t unexplained if they saw what I used to down and eat to recover over the weekend.
Alcohol is the secret to weight loss, especially if you don’t have a sweet tooth. 
2/3 litres of water a day, no squash, juice or any liquid calories, just falls off you.

Having shared my health issues on the defunct podcast, I figured I would give an update to the regular listeners, if anyone else is interested read on. Will be a long post, definitely not looking for any kind of sympathy, if anything I am an absolute idiot for trying to wait it out.
If anyone follows my Instagram or Twitter will probably be aware I had a bit of a rough day yesterday, just wasn't up for coming on the forum despite the humour which was on display about the situation. 
For those that didn't listen to the podcast, around 3 years ago in the August whilst taking a multivitamin I swallowed my partial denture for a tooth I broke and had to have removed. This partial denture covered the room of my mouth, it's not a small thing to swallow.
Since that went down the hatch I have had nothing stomach issues ever since, quite bad, but chose to tough it out.
I went to A&E where I had X-Rays, nothing, it was only after they questioned me more on the denture and when they realised it had no metal it was a complete waste of time. Was sent home with funny looks and told to return if I had any chest pains. Never had any and a few weeks passed, nothing else as far as I'm aware I had crippling pain in my stomach so went into A&E, X-Ray'd me again and the verdict was I was full of poo. Literally.
Drink plenty of water and I would be fine, wasn't concerned by the denture at all. 
Then nothing, nothing but more pain. Every day. Anxiety set it, toilet trips had become horrendous adventures. I tried various diets, gluten free, low fodmap which I'm still on to this day despite it not really helping. I have taken a bit of stick for not going to games for the last season, season and half, but when some days it's a challenge to even get off the toilet, travelling 2 and half hours to Pride Park and bouncing in the South Stand with Lampard would not have been good. 
Actually tried to make a U23 game one night, guessed with less fans toilets wouldn't be the same issue. Had to turn back half way there due to traffic, got stuck in a pile up over a crash and wouldn't have made kick off. 
Season ticket still renewed for this season, determined to get back on my feet and back in the SS, takes away the whole should I buy a match ticket or not. Call me weird but also this club has supported the forum a lot, £400 on a season ticket supports them back. Every penny counts in this FFP world.
Anyhow, in the 3 years I have gone from a unhealthy (due to alcohol and KFC) 18st 5lb stone to 10st 10lb, XL to S, 38" waist to 31". I was always thin until I hit 21, then everything I ate stuck to me like glue because of the alcohol.
I went to a GP in the January but due to the anxiety they didn't think I would be up for the MRI, had to sort the anxiety first, which he believed was giving me the pains, but wasn't willing to give me anything for it. I wasn't up for being a zombie and was told he can see I'm mentally strong enough to get over this with coping mechanisms which I already reeled off a list to him. I've read a lot on anxiety and I mean a lot. I'm an unprofessional expert. Kinda.
So that's where it really got left. Truth to be told the anxiety hasn't improved, pains have got worse. And then yesterday. Well it started on Wednesday night where I visited the toilet every hour from 5pm, through the night, barely slept. Eat 3 Vindaloo's back to back and that might trigger the same reaction. Now baring in mind my diet is down to pretty much potato, chicken, fish something wasn't right.
Yesterday around 10.30 emptying what seemed to be a never ending supply of rear sewage I had a sharp pain in my stomach, how I'm guessing you would feel had you been stabbed. My stomach went numb an pretty much took my legs away from me. Crawled back to the sofa, with an odd numb, throbbing pain.
Home alone, as I was when swallowing the denture I freaked out a little, thought this was the day I had been waiting for convinced this denture would rupture something. Crawled to the front door to unlock it as the plan was to ring an ambulance, the pain was that severe when trying to walk just brought me back to my knees.
11.18am and 4 minutes on the phone to 999 they suggested I either walk to the hospital or go to my local GP before advising me to ring 111 before disconnecting. I wasn't life threatening to them.
111 was a 20 minute call, trying to replay a story to someone on the phone wasn't easy in so much pain but the 2nd operator in agreed to send an ambulance but I'm not priority and would be with me within 2 hours.
Phoned the missus, no answer. She works an hour away.
Used my second life line and phoned a friend who dragged me into his car, on arriving at the hospital the queue for A&E reception was out the main doors. This would have been an hour wait just to get to reception so we went back to mine to wait out for the ambulance. 
Ambulance arrived just after 4pm, 5hrs later, by now the pain had dulled a little but the paramedics were concerned and hauled me in the back and wheeled me off to hospital, bypassing all the walk ins I was put on a IV straight away and looked at super quick.
I will skip the next further 5 hours of what he and she said, but after a finger up the rear and 5 hours of tests my blood showed inflammation of the bowl.
The surgeon I think she said she was, debated over a CT scan last night, keeping me in or letting me go and come back in the morning. It was to check for signs of Colitis or Diverticulitis which they believe it is.
I questioned if the denture would show on this, what denture? I then had to explain from the start again how the pains all started from this, quickly scuttled away to speak with the registrar after informing me they will probably scan me tonight and keep me in.
10 minutes later, I'm told it's highly unlikely, almost impossible that the denture is still inside me after this long. They have seen much large items pass through the system and out the other end. Not convinced I keep pushing her on this, and told you would be surprised what the human body can do. Missus gave me the I told you so look. As they do.
Also because of the material a CT scan would not show it up. On the advice from this unseen registrar the denture was not any concern, that's long gone, Colitis or Diverticulitis is the main concern and to have this confirmed they need to run a Colonoscopy. 
I pushed for a MRI scan still believing this all can't be a coincidence with the timing but was told they wouldn't do one just for my peace of mind, I argued the case of the bloke that swallowed a plastic fork and was in him for 10 years which I read online, I was told to stay off the internet, no chance.
So that's basically where I am. Trawling through Colitis information last night, all sounds like me, even have the mouth ulcers and dodgy joints to go with it. Sounds plausible and despite being a life long condition after this long I have no fear over a diagnosis as medication is available, if I can return to a "normal" life whilst managing the symptoms it's better than the alternative of nothing found, MRI now....oh look the denture, under the knife you go and selling my story to The Sun for £100.
As I say, the reason I'm posting this isn't sympathy, definitely don't want any, my own fault for doing a Nigel Pearson for 3 years, I should have been hammering down the GP door every week. 
That's your update and as for the podcast, maybe one day if they figure this out, don't want to commit to anything when I feel so crap.

Would that acquaintance look anything like this?.......trying to sign him, so I can give him a proper doing at pool, like the good old days!

Only just read that she's the main actress in fleabag too. Wow, even more talented.

Have you seen PWB's other work from last year - Killing Eve?  My favourite drama from last year.
 

Watched all of it in a few days over Easter. Incredible. 

I did, some more ranting. 
- One of the prime points of accusation is the fact that an organised crime gang wear balaclavas, just like paramilitarys did in the city where Hastings grew up. Rock solid!
- What on Earth is a 'computer disposal' shop - with a big sign on the door that says 'computer disposal'? If a senior policeman had compromising information on a laptop why would he hand it over? He'd take out the hard drive - smash it to bits with a hammer. You don't need to go to a 'computer disposal' shop to do that.
- Since when did lawyers start assigning policemen to undercover operations? It's just beyond ridiculous to even suggest it.
- In the fourth series a senior lawyer declined witness protection because he said that the criminals would find him anyway, he said he was dead man walking if he took it. But someone more senior, more influential - a key cog - seems to think that would be OK and goes to live in the UK in a terraced house (I get the point, fall from grace and all that).
- Hastings has just been within a whisker of losing his job on threat of accepting bribes and was in some huge moral quandary over whether to return the money. But apparently he was only worried about returning half of it and the other half he is prepared (strongly suggested) to hand over to the bereaved wife of someone that he is implicitly linked to the death of. It just beggars belief that this would happen.
- In a clue that Ted Rogers would have been proud of on 3-2-1, apparently a dying policemen when being asked to spell out a name of the corrupt policement, decides to tap out - out of line of sight - four times and then have the policemen understand that while four dots is morse code for H it is also four and while the whole inside gang are so clever that nobody knows the name of the leader even relative small fry like Cotton know that there are four people to be caught.
- The young lad who applies for police cadet school is accepted even though he has been hanging around with criminal gangs for years (including two murders). I'm not saying they would know that but I find it very hard to believe he has got that far entrenched without one single conviction.
- The convicted criminal, Lisa, who all but admitted to accessory to murder, is left to go talk to (junior) school children - I doubt she would pass a CRB / DBS check - immediately on the hazards of organized crime. Just take a moment to think - what would she actually say to those kids? 'don't raid police depots kids, it's not the life for you'.
- Finally, the most ridiculous of the lot. The police force are so rotten that the security guard on the door, the lawyer and the junior police officer taking notes are all on the payroll of the OCG. Yet they still carry on looking for one single person - the elusive H. If you knew your police force was so compromised that you could put a team sheet up of officers associated do you think it woul be allowed to continue to operate? It's just ridiculous, even in the context of a Sunday night bit of TV to assume it's just a case of 'oh well, we might have a bit of a problem but let's just crack on, it'll sort itself out'.
Can't wait for the next series.....

I know I'm like a Keogh lover on this one in that I think I am the only one who sees it. Anyway, in addition to my previous rants and aware that there is something a bit wrong with getting so obsessed on this I just wanted to highlight just how poor Line of Duty writing is this season.
- So you are a senior policeman, living in a shoddy hotel. Someone gives you £50k in cash in a brown envelope marked 'Personal' (in itself - more corny than a tin of corned beef). What would you do with that money? Well, if you are the senior policeman apparently you just leave it out on your bedside table for days and hope that the minimum wage maid doesn't take a peek. Really?
- You are a senior policeman investigating an undercover criminal gang who have killed at least two police officers. You know that there is a senior corrupt police official working with them but you have no clue how. Without any knowledge at all what do you do? Turn up at their hideout and pretend to be that officer. Really?
- You are a crack surveillance unit monitoring a criminal gang in their hideout, one that can set up in the office opposite at the drop of a hat. Just recently you let your prime suspect escape in a car park because you didn't know there was an additional exit. What do you do? Well, without spoiling it too much, the bad guys escaped via the back door. Really?
- You are looking for a suspect in an assault of the wife of a police officer, the officer is from Northern Ireland with history in policing there. She says the accoster had a strong Northern Irish accent. So you pin all your hopes on the fact that someone lived in Belfast till they were ten and make him your only suspect based on that. Really?
As Jimmy Cricket would have said (also in an Irish accent that would have made him AC-12s prime suspect), there's more, but let's leave it at that.
In general, so poor....

Just binge watched the brilliant Line of duty from the start, wasn't prepared for Kate's kids having Forest scarves up in their rooms in season 5..what a twist, i liked her up until then!

Ashes to Ashes wrote the book on how to end a series. Best last episode of any series ever.

Click the almost invisible arrow on the right of the box 'Frank Lampards DCFC Fans', to open up the topics.

@reveldevil
Please talk to someone about how you are feeling. 
https://www.mind.org.uk/need-urgent-help/
https://www.samaritans.org/#

It was hard to read, that. I've been on here for my entire adult life almost and have always respected you as a poster & person. 
I'm not the best person to give advice in these situations, but I can say that I've struggled at times due to extenuating circumstances and often do partake in 'self destructive' behaviour which has had serious consequences in the past. iThe one thing that helps me and gets me through these periods is that I remind myself that feelings - good & bad - are absolutely and utterly fickle. The forced focus on 'positive' things, for me, made things worse. I would think about family, for example, but it would come with an overwhelming sense of letting them down. It just gave me another stick to beat myself. The clarity of almost training my mind to remind myself that every feeling and situation that I have ever had and will ever have will ultimately change, sometimes quickly and sometimes not so quickly, but it will change. 
People are different; people react differently in situations and there is no perfect solution - I just hope you find whats right for you! 

I went though exactly this end of November and into December. I was aware it was happening, and just needed the time to pass and things to fall into their place. I deleted all social media, logged out of everything, didn't speak to anyone. Turned my mobile off, and bizarrely bought some pencils, crayons, geometry stuff and a pad, and doodled nonsense with music on. Eventually, my mind switched back on. I cannot explain it right now. But I was literally not bothered about anyone except my mum and gran for about 3 weeks. I then felt guilt when I realised how worried people had been cos of me, but I was not apologetic. I was very teary though and couldn't express what I was going through.
If you're going through similar, I can feel your pain. It makes no sense does it.

Good lad mate, thanks 
For some reason on here, even though people know who I am in real life, I feel I can answer honestly a question my mates ask and I don't want to tell them the truth.
I'm ducked, totally ducked but I'm hanging on by whatever thread i can find each day.
To be wobbling this badly in public is horrible and I'm wondering how it's going to pan out IF I can fix myself. 
There are those who have little enough respect for me already, without me confining their suspicions.
I'm recordong A LOT of video where I'm talking to myself but story telling, dont know how or even if I'll upload them, it's therapeutic and it's there as an explanation IF things don't change
You're a top man for asking, I know a while back I rowed with a couple of people I didn't ever want to row with and you sage rynny and revel are high on that list .as is David who eve when I don't try, I offend.
Top people, top place irrespective of the negatives and some of those i caused myself.
Good luck today ladies and gents, I'd be happier to log on tonight with you through and us having beaten Bradford.

My foot is better and Christmas is done and dusted. I’m able to exercise frequently and have been for the last three weeks. Whilst I still have isolation and loneliness issues. I don’t feel like jumping in front of a truck right now. Thanks for asking x

I'd just like to say thanks to the people who responded positively/humourously to my previous posts in this thread.
While my problem was more physical than mental, the unexpected speed at which I was admitted to hospital and had surgery caught me well off balance, mentally speaking.
I hope those who are really struggling find the way to open up to someone, anyone who they think can help, it's not a weakness to ask, I only wish I could summon the same courage personally.
 

CK one.

I returned to work today to the news that one of my colleagues had tried to kill himself late on Christmas Eve and has been sectioned for his own safety.
Normally a lovely gentle giant type of bloke, he was behaving strangely at our work do on the 21st - being the life & soul of the party from the start and then very aggressive towards some of the others as the night went on - both of which are out of character. We all thought at the time that he was just getting drunk quickly but apparently he'd been battling his demons for months but only his wife knew.
Of course all us colleagues who would describe him as a friend are now looking for the signs that we missed along the way but there really weren't any until that night and even then, we just put it down to drinking too much & too quickly.
It's been said on here before but, for goodness sake, just talk & share your problems with those close to you - or strangers if that doesn't appeal. Help is there but you'll probably have to make the first move.
I shudder to think what two young kids almost woke up to on Christmas morning. I'm sure it was bad enough as it was.