FindernRam

Two Scotsmen go to Hell
A demon approaches the devil and says "Dark lord! Two men from Glasgow in Scotland have been sent here. What should be done with them?"
The devil says "Glaswegians? Their kind are normally very friendly, helpful and honest, so we do not see many such men in my dark domain... Hang them in a cage over the lake of fire for now and I shall check on them later."
But when the devil flew up to the cage to check on the Scotsmen, he found them happily lounging around with their shirts off.
"What is the meaning of this?" The devil cried. "You're supposed to be in torment!"
The Glaswegians looked surprised "Naw" they said "it's pure quality taps aff weather here man. It's no drab an' dreek like Scotland, you know that way?"
Fuming, the devil flew to the great thermostat of Hell and cranked it all the way to the top. And the next day, the temperature was so high that even the demons were sweating, the stones of hell were melting and the flames from the lake of fire were leaping higher than ever before.
So the devil was surprised when he visited the Scotsmen and found that they had somehow procured plastic lawn furniture and Buckfast tonic wine.
Raising a glass to the devil, one of the Scotsmen said "Hey big man! If I'd known it was so lovely an warm doon here, I'd've done a whole lot more sinning! Weather's always poo in Glasgae. Always freezin' ma nuts off, you know?"
"I see." The devil replied, smiling though clenched teeth "your dismal country has given you a great love of heat. The hotter it is, the happier you are. Well, we'll see about that."
So saying, he flew to the great thermostat of Hell once more, but this time, he turned it all the way down.
The next day, the lake of fire was frozen solid for the first time, sinners were frozen in blocks of ice and demons huddled in corners for warmth, their teeth chattering.
But when the devil visited the Scotsmen, he found them jumping for joy, tearfully cheering "Scotland! SCOTLAND!!!"
The devil's jaw dropped. "What? Why? How? I burn you and you are happy! I freeze you and you celebrate! What is wrong with you?"
One of Glaswegians turned back and said "Is it no feckin' obvious ye daft bastart? Hell's frozen over! Scotland's won the world cup!"

My favourite prediction site has taken us out of the drop zone for end of season BUT put Forest in our place.

This used to wind me up too.  To the point where I even went to a psychiatrist to calm me down a bit!
We talked it through.  I opened up to him, and explained why it riled me so much.
He then patted me on the head, gave me a big hug, and said "There, Their, They're, Your all better now".
Amazingly, he was write!   I should of done it years ago!

Wasn't she in a Bond movie? Happy to take her off your hands!

Why won't women put the toilet seat back up when they've finished!

Maybe you'd be better off using the Gents?

A trick I was taught by an advance driver, schooled in defensive techniques, was not to look straight ahead but slightly left to the kerb about 100 feet ahead. This puts the dead spot of your retina where the oncoming headlights are so you are less dazzled.
Try it , but I accept no liability whatsoever!!!!!.  There 's confidence for you.? 

Expecting a parcel.
Tracking says Amazon one stop away.
Look out window, white van parks outside, takes parcel next door--ooh goody we're next
Van driver on phone, no action. Assume we're not on his van. 2 hrs later AA van shows up. Lots of banging, passenger seat out, more banging , driver doing nothing.
Another Amazon van shows up--oooh goody. No! He goes away.
After another hour original driver rings bell, says sorry and goes off. 3 hours to walk 20ft up our drive!

Just be glad he went in for driving and not brain surgery.

Expecting a parcel.
Tracking says Amazon one stop away.
Look out window, white van parks outside, takes parcel next door--ooh goody we're next
Van driver on phone, no action. Assume we're not on his van. 2 hrs later AA van shows up. Lots of banging, passenger seat out, more banging , driver doing nothing.
Another Amazon van shows up--oooh goody. No! He goes away.
After another hour original driver rings bell, says sorry and goes off. 3 hours to walk 20ft up our drive!

Next issue is when you realise you can't keep up with her!

Next issue is when you realise you can't keep up with her!

So thats how the sheep got out!

Scouse kid says to his mate "How do yer spell Darell?"
Mate says "D-a-r-y-l, why, what do you want to know that for?"
He says "It's me dad's birthday next week, Im gettin' him some shoes so I'm texting me Ma so I get a size Daryl fit 'im"
Mate says "It's not Daryl yer dhead, it's Worrall!"

I'm on the computer when missus says "What are you doing?"#
Says me " I'm looking for cheap flights"
She drags me into the bedroom and we make love for hours.
Funny, I never knew she liked Darts!

I'm on the computer when missus says "What are you doing?"#
Says me " I'm looking for cheap flights"
She drags me into the bedroom and we make love for hours.
Funny, I never knew she liked Darts!

I'm on the computer when missus says "What are you doing?"#
Says me " I'm looking for cheap flights"
She drags me into the bedroom and we make love for hours.
Funny, I never knew she liked Darts!

I'm on the computer when missus says "What are you doing?"#
Says me " I'm looking for cheap flights"
She drags me into the bedroom and we make love for hours.
Funny, I never knew she liked Darts!

I'm on the computer when missus says "What are you doing?"#
Says me " I'm looking for cheap flights"
She drags me into the bedroom and we make love for hours.
Funny, I never knew she liked Darts!

Wife's  Diary:    
Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird.  We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. 
I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late,      
but he made no comment on it. 
Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk.
He agreed, but he didn't say much. 
I asked him what was wrong; He said, "nothing." 
I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. 
He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. 
On the way home, I told him that I loved him. 
He smiled slightly, and kept driving.  I can't explain his behaviour. 
I don't know why he didn't say, “I love you, too.” 
When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore.
He just sat there quietly, and watched TV.  He continued to seem distant and absent. 
Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed.  About 15 minutes later, he came to bed.
But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else.  He fell asleep; I cried.
I don't know what to do.  I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else.  My life is a disaster. 

Husband's  Diary: 
Who the duck loses to Watford?

Yeah doubly annoying cos I've not got an any key on my keyboard.

I'm gutted, my wife just left me, said all I talk about is football.
We've been together 44 seasons!

I'm gutted, my wife just left me, said all I talk about is football.
We've been together 44 seasons!

Male Swan!

I'm gutted, my wife just left me, said all I talk about is football.
We've been together 44 seasons!