Anag Ram

My girlfriend bought me a fiddle cube for Christmas. I imagine that might be some use in a similar context - it certainly helps me.

Some amazingly brave and honest posts on here about anxiety.
It can be crippling I know and I can't imagine what it must be like to suffer at that level.
One technique which has achieved some success is tapping.
It's not for the cynical. You either give it a real go or not at all.
http://www.drivingpeace.com/tapping-for-anxiety-does-this-simple-stress-relief-technique-really-work/#.WJtXmslFDqA
I hope you guys find something which helps.

I'm at work right now but due to handing my role over to someone else I've got literally nothing to do for the next four hours so thought I'd share my experience in the hope it helps anyone at all.
 
Much like David and several people here, I suffer from anxiety. Bit of a backstory, I had it in my teens and wasn't sure what it was, I would experience that stomach gnawing fear at random situations that I couldn't understand at the time. I would become terrified at the idea of eating in front of people outside of my family. I was terrified of buses, I wasn't diving into buses as the 5:43 to Ripley rolled by but the idea of being on one made me feel horribly sick. I also had the classic social anxiety for major events, I could be out with friends doing whatever and be quite happy but roll up a big party that I wasn't sure of the location/exits of and my stomach couldn't handle it, particularly going up town on a night. I understand now that it was a social anxiety revolving around a lack of control, the fear of being sick especially worried me which caused the bus and eating fear, I couldn't create an exit for these situations and so my brain couldn't cope.
 
I missed out on a lot in my teens and I'm frustrated to not have challenged it more at the time. I did challenge it, I had to get on buses for the princes trust meetings I had six years ago, I tried to eat in any situation that set me off and I went out wherever I could manage it. Sometimes it was a success, others I looked so pale and shakey that people thought I was legitimately ill, ironically giving me an exit and stopping any real embarrassment.
 
I dealt with that myself and managed to generally beat it, or so I thought. At the end of 2014 I suffered a massive anxiety attack that put me in bed for a week and took away my ability to speak for days. I was locked in my own head with a level of fear I've never had before and don't wish to experience again. It was caused by my health and created a spiral of health anxiety which continues in a very lower level to this day, though now I do have it under lock and key most of the time.

I tremor. when I turn my hands they shake, I've generally got an almost imperceptible shake to my hands when they act that you won't notice unless you focus on it or I stress it in some way. This goes for my legs, joints and back too. I worked as a Poker Dealer for over six months and the focus you have on your hands in that line of work, and the focus others have on your hands, raised a few comments at how 'nervous' I must be etc when I was quite calm and happy. I started to notice it too and kept an eye on it. Unfortunately I decided to google it one morning when I was pouring milk into a cup of tea and couldn't keep the bottle steady. I took one look at the 3 causes of tremor and what I can only describe as a hammer blow came down on my senses. It was sheer panic.

The only three causes of action tremor like mine, unless it's a minute chance of some rare and wonderful tropical disease, are a benign tremor, MS or MND. I either had a tremor that may advance in difficulty over life very slowly or quickly (no bother), I had MS and my career which I'd just spent 2 years running towards would be over, I'd be in a wheelchair in ten years. Or the ever fun MND/ALS. I'd be dead within 5.

Metaphorically speaking, I **** it. I absolutely **** it.

I basically collapsed onto my girlfriend's bed. I lay there shaking and had to be talked round from inside my head over 3 hours as I played over the fear of losing everything I had. I've mentioned it once or twice but just shy of four years ago I realised what I wanted to do with my life was to work alongside the UN Peacekeepers, off saving the world with logistics and diplomacy. If not with them then I'll be there alongside them and people like them in some aspect. It's what I want to spend my life, literally if need be. I'm very passionate about the field and it took me 3-4 years before starting out to get there to fully understand that's what I wanted. The idea of that being taken away was horrifying, genuinely. I don't fear dying, that scared me, what I felt/feel is my life's work being ripped away? I couldn't process it.
 
I lost my speech for a week and even now I talk too quickly, before I managed to slow it down it was rapid, then when I made mistakes I would think I had a brain tumour, that I had muscle weakness in my cheeks etc. My stomach went to pieces over the coming weeks and months, the anxiety attack itself gave me IBS and has upped my acid production, I now suffer from acid far more and I've been hit by gastritis 3 times in a year. My attention span can be distracted quite easily and at its worse made studying anything pointless, I couldn't take things in. The worst was the muscle tension. As well as the obvious stomach issues I'd tense everything all day, create permanent aches and pains for weeks and not understand why. It was only every now and again I'd notice myself tensing my head (if you know what I mean?), my arms, legs, back, stomach. I'd permanently be fully tensed up which created pain, that in turn created fear. it was a self-fulfilling cycle.

It took a year of tests to understand what was going on with me, all the time of which anxiety mimicked MS symptoms. The pins and needles all over, the vision blur and so on. Very fortunately I don't have MS. I was diagnosed with benign essential tremor which creates its own problems but is absolutely nothing in comparison. In fact, at the rate my tremor has increased, it won't be a problem for me whatsoever until my late life, by which point there's medication to slow it. It's also dulled by alcohol so I have a medicinal reason to be drinking at any given time, a nice perk.

That was 3 years ago. I still get over the odds nerves before big events, I'll trip over my speech if I've not handled those nerves and I tense up without realising all the time (just writing this post I've given myself a headache, I didn't realise I was doing it) but otherwise I'm in total control of it. I understand the flares, I fight them with the logical counters and I'm lucky enough to not have my life affected by it. I deal with the nerves and I train myself to speak more effectively, I look at speech tutors and talks from impressive speakers to pick up their delivery, slow my own and so on.

The long term effects of IBS and the acid are highly annoying and definitely affect my enjoyment of food in life but I'm already coeliac, that had been ruined for me anyway so at this point my body is just flogging a dead horse in its attempt to spoil things for me.

I have to look after my partner frequently as she suffers from a number of mental health issues, all worse than mine and all requiring degrees of understanding. Anyone who looks after or is in a relationship somehow with someone with mental health knows that some days you're going to be snapped at, have to reassure them all night, to handle things when they're dazed and can't think, along with the scarier results of some illnesses. I'm grateful that these days I can do that, take that toll and deal with our other responsibilities without having to worry that I might panic myself. I'm very grateful that I reached that stage (and have stayed there) for two years now during very stressful home and career lives. I know that some people take years just to get our of the house or slow down their worst symptoms, I feel very lucky that I came through it for the better so quickly.

My tips for coping: Podcasts as others have said, nothing too taxing, I use XFM recordings of Gervais/Merchant/Pilkington and 6 Music recordings of Russell Howard and Jon Richardson. They're both excellent shows that require no thought, there's a ton of each on youtube, especially xfm. It's a distracting monologue, anywhere those are to be found is good. As others have also said, phone games or games that take a second to launch, three seconds to learn and you get lost. If you can still manage tactical games then fair play but I found engrossing myself in stats and numbers didn't work initially, even in my favourite genres. The Binding of Isaac helped me a ton, if you're a gamer who needs distraction, head for that. The biggest one is tied to these two and it's the need for an exit. You need to have your exit, however that exists. Need to get off a bus? Keep extra change in case you need to jump off for ten minutes and buy the trip again. Out in town? Find a taxi number, keep some cash back, have a friend in on it with an excuse. At work? Bathroom break, anything. If you have an out you don't need to fear a situation as you can leave it. Always try and have someone in on it, even if it means faking phone calls for a bit if you don't feel comfortable fully explaining why you're leaving a room etc.

If you do have mental health issues and you need somewhere to turn, tell a loved one, a boss or someone you respect. Sit them down and talk about it. The support, advice and general kind words you'll get from fellow sufferers often eclipse those of your local doctor. No-one is immune, I say that as one of the most self confident people I know, reduced to a shivering wreck by a bus trip aged 19 and rendered mute for a week by a Google page with a shaky right hand aged 23.

Watched T2: Trainspotting today.  Loved it.  Lots of references to the original without relying on it.  If you liked the original, you'll love it. 8/10.

Hi Loughborough Ram.
Your story is very moving and I'm glad you have chosen to share it.
You have suffered a number of losses. I work for Cruse bereavement and in my time there I have learned that those who share their experience with trained bereavement volunteers can gain a better understanding of themselves in relation to their loss.
I know they have offices in Derby and Leicester should you wish to investigate.
I wish you all the best and hope you find a way through this difficult time.

Hi Loughborough Ram.
Your story is very moving and I'm glad you have chosen to share it.
You have suffered a number of losses. I work for Cruse bereavement and in my time there I have learned that those who share their experience with trained bereavement volunteers can gain a better understanding of themselves in relation to their loss.
I know they have offices in Derby and Leicester should you wish to investigate.
I wish you all the best and hope you find a way through this difficult time.

Saw arrival a couple of months ago and thought it was interesting as a comment on world politics but forgettable as a film.
Just returned home from watching T2. Great performances from the old guard, notably Ewen Bremner and Robert Carlisle. Not quite a classic like the original but a terrific soundtrack and a brilliant toilet cubicle scene.
 

Arrival : 7/10. Lot of hype surrounding this film, it does grab you and tantalise you, but for me, ultimately underwhelming in the end. Worth a watch, but not worth the hype. Not a patch on Interstellar.
T2: Trainspotting. 7/10. A must see for me. The first film was epic at a great time in my life, this was entertaining, great soundtrack and surprisingly poignant in some areas, but didn't deliver what I thought it would deliver. Although perhaps I'm glad it didn't cliche. Bit disappointed that certain character didn't have more involvement.
 

@Anag Ram - your wish is my command.
 

Hi Loughborough Ram.
Your story is very moving and I'm glad you have chosen to share it.
You have suffered a number of losses. I work for Cruse bereavement and in my time there I have learned that those who share their experience with trained bereavement volunteers can gain a better understanding of themselves in relation to their loss.
I know they have offices in Derby and Leicester should you wish to investigate.
I wish you all the best and hope you find a way through this difficult time.

Hi Loughborough Ram.
Your story is very moving and I'm glad you have chosen to share it.
You have suffered a number of losses. I work for Cruse bereavement and in my time there I have learned that those who share their experience with trained bereavement volunteers can gain a better understanding of themselves in relation to their loss.
I know they have offices in Derby and Leicester should you wish to investigate.
I wish you all the best and hope you find a way through this difficult time.

Hi Loughborough Ram.
Your story is very moving and I'm glad you have chosen to share it.
You have suffered a number of losses. I work for Cruse bereavement and in my time there I have learned that those who share their experience with trained bereavement volunteers can gain a better understanding of themselves in relation to their loss.
I know they have offices in Derby and Leicester should you wish to investigate.
I wish you all the best and hope you find a way through this difficult time.

Hi Loughborough Ram.
Your story is very moving and I'm glad you have chosen to share it.
You have suffered a number of losses. I work for Cruse bereavement and in my time there I have learned that those who share their experience with trained bereavement volunteers can gain a better understanding of themselves in relation to their loss.
I know they have offices in Derby and Leicester should you wish to investigate.
I wish you all the best and hope you find a way through this difficult time.

Hi Loughborough Ram.
Your story is very moving and I'm glad you have chosen to share it.
You have suffered a number of losses. I work for Cruse bereavement and in my time there I have learned that those who share their experience with trained bereavement volunteers can gain a better understanding of themselves in relation to their loss.
I know they have offices in Derby and Leicester should you wish to investigate.
I wish you all the best and hope you find a way through this difficult time.

Wonder how much Southampton would want for Shane Long?
Not getting many starts and has a lot of competition.
Would be great if we could afford him.

Everyone is obsessed with what other people have got. They feel hard done by and tense.
Often they are unaware that people would love their life.

Paul and Wolfie make great points about something I've posted about in the past. The over reliance of mobile devices.
It's an addiction. Paul mentions the other persons phone going off, either bleeping or ringing and they just must see who it is immediately. The more they text / message on social media the more they in turn receive therefore the cycle perpetuates and this plasticky thing permanently stuck in the palm of their hand over time becomes something they can't actually live without.
I don't use social media in the sense of facebook, twitter and all that malarkey and my internet use is pretty basic and sporadic but even I found it a little bit inconvenient recently when my internet was down and I couldn't use it.
I thought of folk that spend all day on there and truly believe that if I found having no internet for a week preying on my mind, these people will experience major withdrawal symptoms.
Everything is instant. Media and stuff are just constantly chucked in our direction through another screen. Tv, tablet, smart phone etc. I've been to a friends house and he had all 3 on within a metre of where he was sat!
Phones are amazing. If I break down i can get help. If I need to text someone to get a message to them i can. If I need the number of a local chemist then it's there. If I want to buy Derby tickets the moment they go on sale i can.
All useful and makes life easier.
My phone makes my life easier but it's not my life.
The distinction between the two is important.

Wonder how much Southampton would want for Shane Long?
Not getting many starts and has a lot of competition.
Would be great if we could afford him.

I have no idea how good Bogle is but it's always difficult to assess how good strikers are until they come up against well organised defences.
Often in the lower leagues you get loads of space.
For every Vardy there are 100 Dickinsons. 
 

Has anyone seen anything of Conor Chaplin at Portsmouth since he scored against us?
19 and attracting attention at Bournemouth
Better chance of playing with us.
 

Has anyone seen anything of Conor Chaplin at Portsmouth since he scored against us?
19 and attracting attention at Bournemouth
Better chance of playing with us.
 

If you want to explore the way you feel then I would recommend trying counselling/ psychotherapy.
Sometimes just saying it out loud is a relief. A good qualified therapist will truly listen.
I wish you all the best 

Sam Gallagher looks like a great striker for Blackburn. 

Sam Gallagher currently looking good on loan at Blackburn. Maybe go in with a cheeky bid to get him permanent from Southampton 

Can we just have a beer thread?
The football stuff just gets me down!