Mick Brolly

Met this girl in the pub, and said to her ‘you remind me of my little toe’. 
She said ‘ahhh, do you mean I am small and squidgy’.
l said ‘Nah, in half an hour I hope to be banging you hard against the kitchen table’.

I was at work the other day - stacking packets of washing powder in the aisle, when a girl I once went out with came up to me and punched me square in the face...
"What was that for??" I asked
"You lied to me and told me you were a stunt pilot!"
"No - I said I was part of an Ariel display team"
 

I’ve just accidentally swallowed my cats tablet!!
Don’t ask me-ow
 
When Lord Nelson died he was five feet tall. On his statue in Trafalgar Square he's 15 feet tall.
That's Horatio of 3:1.

Sorry

Punjabi Rams have a new flag, too.
 

Can you hurry up I've got loads of moaning to get in before my bed time.

I got mugged by six dwarves last night.
Not happy.

A guy today offered me $80k a year to work for him at the brittle bones society.
I snapped his hand off.

A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean. 

Sad news from the Nestle factory today.
A worker was crushed beneath a large box of chocolate that fell 20 feet off some racking on to him. 
 
He repeatedly called for help, but every time he shouted “The Milky Bars are on me”, his colleagues cheered. 
 
 

Chinese takeout $12

Gas to pick it up $3

Getting home to discover the ******** have forgot to put one of the containers in...

Riceless.

Honestly can’t believe it’s almost pancake day!
That’s really creped up on us

No idea ????????????????????????☔☔?????????????????????????????????????????????????????????? sorry .

Just add hot water and the magic begins.

Just add hot water and the magic begins.

Yes @Alan Ramage 4 EVA it was, some pictures below for the younger ones of what luxuries we were afforded by British Rail on our away day outings !
Would still favour this over Virgin 1st Class any day !

Simon Groom and his dog Goldie from blue peter coming onto the pitch at half time and Colombo end blast out Simon groom what a ****** what a ****** , not my best memory but funny.

Simon Groom and his dog Goldie from blue peter coming onto the pitch at half time and Colombo end blast out Simon groom what a ****** what a ****** , not my best memory but funny.

What shall we do with the Argentinians, what shall we do with the Argentinians, what shall we do with the Argentinians er-lye in the morning
bomb bomb bomb the ********, bomb bomb bomb the.........
great days

When I had, ahem calmed down a bit I started to take a friends 12 year old lad on the popside ,we were playing Chelsea and the away fans were banned after throwing the seats on to the pitch the previous season .
They did get in and a scrap started on the popside so I took the lad down the front and put him on the running track .I look back up the terracing to see a line of coppers with a sergeant on the end just watching it go on.
I walked back up the terracing through the punch up and spoke to the sergeant "are you going to sort this out I've got a young lad with me and these buggers aren't even supposed to be here"
The copper looked at me took his helmet off and handed it to me " here son you want it sorting out borrow my helmet "
Pride Park just not the same.