King Kevin

Dorothy ,the lion from the Wizard of Oz and Quasimodo are walking down the street ,
You know says Dorothy I think I'm the prettiest girl in the whole widw world.
"I think I'm the bravest lion in the wholw wide world "says the lion 
"I think I'm the ugliest person in the wholw wide world says "Quasi 
I know says Dorothy we''ll ask the witch she will have the definitive answer and off they go .
Dorothy comes out  smiling from seeing the witch, I knew it she says I am the prettiest girl in the whole wide world 
The loin goes in next, I knew it  he says I am the bravest lion in the whole wide world looking very happy.
Quasi goes in and come out with a long face "who the feck is Peter Beardsley he says.

Me and the missus are sexually compatable, we both get headaches at the same time.

Met a beautiful girl down at the park today. Sparks flew, she fell at my
feet and we ended up having sex there and then. God, I love my new Taser!

Met a beautiful girl down at the park today. Sparks flew, she fell at my
feet and we ended up having sex there and then. God, I love my new Taser!

My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bar steward!"
"Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"

What's red and white and sits in a tree?
 
A sanitary owl

Met a beautiful girl down at the park today. Sparks flew, she fell at my
feet and we ended up having sex there and then. God, I love my new Taser!

My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bar steward!"
"Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"

Met a beautiful girl down at the park today. Sparks flew, she fell at my
feet and we ended up having sex there and then. God, I love my new Taser!

BIOLOGY EXAM 


                       Students in an advanced Biology class were taking 
their mid-term exam.
                       The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of 
Mother's Milk.?
                       The question was worth 70 points or none at all. 

                       One student, in particular, was hard put to think of 
seven advantages. 

                       However, he wrote:
                       1) It is perfect formula for the child.
                       2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
                       3) It is always the right temperature.
                       4) It is inexpensive.
                       5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
                       6) It is always available as needed.
                       And then the student was stuck. Finally, in 
desperation,
                       just before the bell rang indicating the end of the 
test, he wrote:
                       7 ) It comes in two attractive containers and it's 
high enough off the ground where the cat can't get it. 

                       He got an A.

My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bar steward!"
"Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"

If the transfer has gone through and registered ,Cardiff's problem all day long.

If the transfer has gone through and registered ,Cardiff's problem all day long.

'Stall' probably not the best choice of word in this situation.

Met a beautiful girl down at the park today. Sparks flew, she fell at my
feet and we ended up having sex there and then. God, I love my new Taser!

My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bar steward!"
"Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"

My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bar steward!"
"Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"

BIOLOGY EXAM 


                       Students in an advanced Biology class were taking 
their mid-term exam.
                       The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of 
Mother's Milk.?
                       The question was worth 70 points or none at all. 

                       One student, in particular, was hard put to think of 
seven advantages. 

                       However, he wrote:
                       1) It is perfect formula for the child.
                       2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
                       3) It is always the right temperature.
                       4) It is inexpensive.
                       5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
                       6) It is always available as needed.
                       And then the student was stuck. Finally, in 
desperation,
                       just before the bell rang indicating the end of the 
test, he wrote:
                       7 ) It comes in two attractive containers and it's 
high enough off the ground where the cat can't get it. 

                       He got an A.

Met a beautiful girl down at the park today. Sparks flew, she fell at my
feet and we ended up having sex there and then. God, I love my new Taser!

Are you here all week? ?
its like a stand up routine ?

BIOLOGY EXAM 


                       Students in an advanced Biology class were taking 
their mid-term exam.
                       The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of 
Mother's Milk.?
                       The question was worth 70 points or none at all. 

                       One student, in particular, was hard put to think of 
seven advantages. 

                       However, he wrote:
                       1) It is perfect formula for the child.
                       2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
                       3) It is always the right temperature.
                       4) It is inexpensive.
                       5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
                       6) It is always available as needed.
                       And then the student was stuck. Finally, in 
desperation,
                       just before the bell rang indicating the end of the 
test, he wrote:
                       7 ) It comes in two attractive containers and it's 
high enough off the ground where the cat can't get it. 

                       He got an A.

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost
 

 
 
He reduced altitude and spotted a man below. He descended a bit more and shouted:  'Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am.' 
 

The man below replied, 'You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude.'  
 

 
 
'You must be an Engineer,' said the balloonist. 

 'I am,' replied the man, 'how did you know?' 

'Well,' answered the balloonist, 'everything you have told me is probably technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is, I'm still lost.
 
Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip by your talk.' 

The man below responded, 'You must be in Management.' 

'I am,' replied the balloonist, 'but how did you know?' 

'Well,' said the man, 'you don't know where you are or where you're going. 
 
You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air.
 
You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems.
 
The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my ducking fault.'
 


 
Computer Logic

A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.'
'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'

A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'�
�
Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. �
�
Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.
�
The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.


�
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el computador'), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won.

Yea you're right mate . Never mind, let's get back to the jokes to cheer you up a bit.
How do.you stop a scouser breaking into your house?
put up a.sign saying "job vacancies"

No you are right it's pathetic these days how people bang on about it .I've lost my parents and my sister at a very young age .There's not a Mothers Day or Father's Day that doesn't piss me off but it's life .
My mum and dad wouldn't want me to be miserable for the rest of my life and I want my kids and grandkids to go on and enjoy their after I've popped my clogs .It's the circle of life.