King Kevin

Apologies for the Caps lock, but see first line!
LYING AROUND, PONDERING THE PROBLEMS OF THE WORLD, I REALIZED THAT AT MY AGE I DON'T REALLY GIVE A RAT'S ASS ANYMORE.
 
IF WALKING IS GOOD FOR YOUR HEALTH, THE POSTMAN WOULD BE IMMORTAL. 
A WHALE SWIMS ALL DAY, ONLY EATS FISH, AND DRINKS WATER, BUT IS STILL FAT. 
A RABBIT RUNS AND HOPS AND ONLY LIVES 15 YEARS, WHILE A TORTOISE DOESN'T RUN AND DOES MOSTLY NOTHING, YET IT LIVES FOR 150 YEARS. AND THEY TELL US TO EXERCISE? I DON'T THINK SO.

NOW THAT I'M OLDER, HERE'S WHAT I'VE DISCOVERED: 

1. I STARTED OUT WITH  NOTHING, AND I STILL HAVE MOST OF IT. 

2. MY WILD OATS ARE MOSTLY ENJOYED WITH PRUNES AND ALL-BRAN. 

3. FUNNY, I DON'T REMEMBER BEING ABSENT-MINDED. 

4. FUNNY, I DON'T REMEMBER BEING ABSENT-MINDED. 

5. IF ALL IS NOT LOST, THEN WHERE THE HECK IS IT? 

6. IT WAS A WHOLE LOT EASIER TO GET OLDER THAN IT WAS TO GET WISER. 

7. SOME DAYS, YOU'RE THE TOP DOG, SOME DAYS YOU'RE THE HYDRANT. 

8. I WISH THE BUCK REALLY DID STOP HERE, I SURE COULD USE A FEW OF THEM. 

9. KIDS IN THE BACKSEAT CAUSE ACCIDENTS.

10. ACCIDENTS IN THE BACK SEAT CAUSE KIDS. 

11. IT IS HARD TO MAKE A COMEBACK WHEN YOU HAVEN'T BEEN ANYWHERE. 

12. THE WORLD ONLY BEATS A PATH TO YOUR DOOR WHEN YOU'RE IN THE BATHROOM. 

13. IF GOD WANTED ME TO TOUCH MY TOES, HE'D HAVE PUT THEM ON MY KNEES. 

14. WHEN I'M FINALLY HOLDING ALL THE RIGHT CARDS, EVERYONE WANTS TO PLAY CHESS. 

15. IT IS NOT HARD TO MEET EXPENSES...THEY'RE EVERYWHERE. 

16. THE ONLY DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A RUT AND A GRAVE IS THE DEPTH. 

17. THESE DAYS, I SPEND A LOT OF TIME THINKING ABOUT THE HEREAFTER. . . 

17A. I GO SOMEWHERE TO GET SOMETHING, AND THEN WONDER WHAT I'M "HERE AFTER". 

18. FUNNY, I DON'T REMEMBER BEING ABSENT-MINDED. 

19. IT IS A LOT BETTER TO BE SEEN THAN VIEWED. 

20. HAVE I SENT THIS MESSAGE TO YOU BEFORE???...OR DID I GET IT FROM YOU?

For 2020 my goal is to be less condescending to people. 
Condescending means to talk down to someone.

My girlfriend said she would have to dump me because of my obsession with flowers.
I was stunned to be honest and asked “Where’s all this stemming from petal?”

Thought about my GSD when you said yours was a good guard dog . when I had my settee reupholstered the guy had a key to let himself in while we were at work .We left him with a way out to the garage where he was going to work without disturbing the dog .
Well the dog looked the part, dark face and big for a GSD ,however when we got home the dog was sitting in the garage watching the bloke working on our settee.
What happen I asked ,well the guy replied I couldn't get the settee out without going by the dog .He just made a fuss, wagged his tail and watched me carry your settee out the door. The dog had never met the guy before.

Still got our old GSD(Bruce),he’s a rescue who’s at least 9 now and struggling we needed a dog too look after the lads and house who was a little less full on than Bruce.
Bruce will lie on top of Joel so no one can go near him and that’s what we wanted.
Bruce and a baby Igor.

Thought about my GSD when you said yours was a good guard dog . when I had my settee reupholstered the guy had a key to let himself in while we were at work .We left him with a way out to the garage where he was going to work without disturbing the dog .
Well the dog looked the part, dark face and big for a GSD ,however when we got home the dog was sitting in the garage watching the bloke working on our settee.
What happen I asked ,well the guy replied I couldn't get the settee out without going by the dog .He just made a fuss, wagged his tail and watched me carry your settee out the door. The dog had never met the guy before.

Leonbergers,got a girl as well,Aggie who’s 4 this year.Lovely dogs.

Now that's what you call a dog.

Now that's what you call a dog.

My head says jog on Frankie ,my heart says welcome home young man.Best night I've had watching Derby for years .

Nice little view of The Alps from this afternoon. 

A bride on her wedding night says to her husband 'I must confess darling, I was a hooker!'. 

He says 'That's all right, dear. Your past is your past, but I must admit that I find it quite erotic. Tell me about it'. 

She replies 'Well, my name was Bob, and I played for Wigan !'. 

The outro with the sax is sublime .

Genius
 

Looks like a penis colada to me. 

I keep hoping for that on the pitch too.

The outcome will be that they'll deduct Leeds points for it.

Killer verse
But tell me does she kiss
Like I used to kiss you
Does it feel the same
When she calls your name
 
 

Can I just say that I work in the NHS, I get paid a pittance and my season ticket is a stretch. I am glad Keogh has been shown the door, I would gladly have shoved him out of it myself. The more I read and hear, the more he disgusts me. That is all. 

no he is still sacked
 

Nope, It's like groundhog day in ere ?

I've skipped half  a dozen pages ,have I missed anything?