King Kevin

Not super expensive  as watches go but I like it .

Nice watch ?

Not super expensive  as watches go but I like it .

Not super expensive  as watches go but I like it .

Not super expensive  as watches go but I like it .

A professor at the University of Nottingham was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions" to his first year medical students.
 
Realising this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.
 
He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, "Do you know what your arse hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"
 
She replied, "Probably watching 'Forest at the city ground  with his mates"

A man says to his wife 'tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time'. 

His wife replies 'You've got a bigger knob than your brother'

A bride on her wedding night says to her husband 'I must confess darling, I was a hooker!'. 

He says 'That's all right, dear. Your past is your past, but I must admit that I find it quite erotic. Tell me about it'. 

She replies 'Well, my name was Bob, and I played for Wigan !'. 

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
 
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
 
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
 
Floor 1 - These men have Jobs
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
 
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
 
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
 
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help with Housework.
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
 
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
 
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

Missus was getting ready for bed the other night and was standing in front of the dressing table mirror ,my hairs going grey ,I've started getting wrinkles and everything's going South what do you reckon ?
"There's bugger all wrong with your eyesight "  I reply.

I got home and told the wife I'd bumped into the milkman this morning and was chatting to him, he reckoned he'd bonked every woman on the street except one.
That will be the snotty cow from number ten up the road she replied.

Probably my favourite anagram of all time is the one for the old Conservative Health Secretary: Virginia Bottomley...........
I'm an evil tory bigot

I was really lucky to get an invite along today to the yard from John O’Hare to meet up with some of the 70s legends who were meeting up to celebrate Roy Macs 70th birthday and the annual Easter visit of Alan Hinton.
i thought I would take the opportunity to take my son along to meet some of the older players who when he is grown up will hopefully be given the status that that Steve Bloomer gets now, at least he will have a few photos to show that he really did meet the men who made us famous and for a brief moment in time perhaps the greatest football team in the world ?
when I got there I was a little embarrassed to find that I was the only member of the general public in attendance and felt a little bit out of place, the classic gatecrasher at the party, fortunately I know a number of them already and was instantly welcomed, I made sure that we sat just out side of the main group to allow them to chat to each other
Every one of them made time to come over and have a sit with us, I had of course taken some stuff to get signed as it was to good an opportunity to miss, after checking that they were ok with it they signed stuff and sat and talked and had photos with my son, he loved it and entered into some great conversation with them all, he was asking them about the odd haircuts that they had on the photos ( he is only eight) he told John Ohare that he should now be called john nohare which I’m not sure if john picked up on or not, he spoke to Alan about his white boots and got me showing Alan photos of his green boots, to a man they sat and chatted away talking about anything and everything, the numbers continue to dwindle, I felt like the man in the middle sharing stories of my recent meets with Colin Boulton, Colin Todd, Frank Wignall, john McGovern, and Peter Daniel, those in attendance (some with their good ladies) were John Ohare, Alan Hinton, Alan Durban, Roy McFarland, Roger Davies, Rod Thomas, Jim Walker and Henry newton, once again it struck me that the club should make more of a fuss of these guys whilst they are with us, let’s not wait twenty year before we finally get round to making up a song for them that we sing and the younger generation doesn’t have a clue what the names Todd, McFarland, Nish, Hector, Hennessy, Boulton, Newton, Gemmill, Davies, McFarland, O’Hare, McGovern, Hinton etc mean to Derby as a city.

This has got to be one of the cleverest
E-mails I've received in a while. 
Someone out there 
must be "deadly" at Scrabble.
(Wait till you see the last one)!   

  

PRESBYTERIAN: 
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER 

  

ASTRONOMER: 
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER 

  

DESPERATION:   
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT 

  

THE EYES:  
When you rearrange the letters: 
THEY SEE 

  

GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters: 
HE BUGS GORE 

  

THE MORSE CODE:
When you rearrange the letters: 
HERE COME DOTS 

  
DORMITORY: 
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM 

SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters: 
CASH LOST IN ME 

  

ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY 

  

ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters: 
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT 

  

SNOOZE ALARMS: 
When you rearrange the letters: 
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S 

  

A DECIMAL POINT: 
When you rearrange the letters:
I'M A DOT IN PLACE 

  

THE EARTHQUAKES: 
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE 

  

ELEVEN PLUS TWO: 
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE 

  


AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE: 


MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters: 
WOMAN HITLER 

 
 
 
 
 
 

This may sound strange but sometimes you have to accept that stress and anxiety is the cause of physical symptoms what you are experiencing is normal if that's the right word if you are stressed or anxious .
If you can beat the stress and anxiety the physical symptoms  will disadisappear. Not sure I have explained this very well but I hope it helps.  

This may sound strange but sometimes you have to accept that stress and anxiety is the cause of physical symptoms what you are experiencing is normal if that's the right word if you are stressed or anxious .
If you can beat the stress and anxiety the physical symptoms  will disadisappear. Not sure I have explained this very well but I hope it helps.  

This has got to be one of the cleverest
E-mails I've received in a while. 
Someone out there 
must be "deadly" at Scrabble.
(Wait till you see the last one)!   

  

PRESBYTERIAN: 
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER 

  

ASTRONOMER: 
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER 

  

DESPERATION:   
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT 

  

THE EYES:  
When you rearrange the letters: 
THEY SEE 

  

GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters: 
HE BUGS GORE 

  

THE MORSE CODE:
When you rearrange the letters: 
HERE COME DOTS 

  
DORMITORY: 
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM 

SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters: 
CASH LOST IN ME 

  

ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY 

  

ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters: 
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT 

  

SNOOZE ALARMS: 
When you rearrange the letters: 
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S 

  

A DECIMAL POINT: 
When you rearrange the letters:
I'M A DOT IN PLACE 

  

THE EARTHQUAKES: 
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE 

  

ELEVEN PLUS TWO: 
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE 

  


AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE: 


MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters: 
WOMAN HITLER 

 
 
 
 
 
 

A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.

'I don't want to know,' the child said, bursting into tears.  'Promise me you won't tell me.' 

Confused, the father asked what was wrong.

The boy sobbed, 'When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech.
 
 At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech. 
 
 When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech. 
 
 If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really shag, I'll have nothing left to live for.' 
  

This has got to be one of the cleverest
E-mails I've received in a while. 
Someone out there 
must be "deadly" at Scrabble.
(Wait till you see the last one)!   

  

PRESBYTERIAN: 
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER 

  

ASTRONOMER: 
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER 

  

DESPERATION:   
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT 

  

THE EYES:  
When you rearrange the letters: 
THEY SEE 

  

GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters: 
HE BUGS GORE 

  

THE MORSE CODE:
When you rearrange the letters: 
HERE COME DOTS 

  
DORMITORY: 
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM 

SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters: 
CASH LOST IN ME 

  

ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY 

  

ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters: 
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT 

  

SNOOZE ALARMS: 
When you rearrange the letters: 
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S 

  

A DECIMAL POINT: 
When you rearrange the letters:
I'M A DOT IN PLACE 

  

THE EARTHQUAKES: 
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE 

  

ELEVEN PLUS TWO: 
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE 

  


AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE: 


MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters: 
WOMAN HITLER 

 
 
 
 
 
 

A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.

'I don't want to know,' the child said, bursting into tears.  'Promise me you won't tell me.' 

Confused, the father asked what was wrong.

The boy sobbed, 'When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech.
 
 At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech. 
 
 When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech. 
 
 If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really shag, I'll have nothing left to live for.' 
  

Why Some Men Have Dogs And Not Wives:
 
 
1.  The later you are, the more excited your dog is to see you.
2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.
4. A dog's parents never visit.
5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.
7. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.
8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.
9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, 'If I died, would you get another dog?'
10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.
11. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.
12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.
13. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.
And last, but not least:
14. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.

Why Some Men Have Dogs And Not Wives:
 
 
1.  The later you are, the more excited your dog is to see you.
2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.
4. A dog's parents never visit.
5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.
7. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.
8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.
9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, 'If I died, would you get another dog?'
10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.
11. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.
12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.
13. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.
And last, but not least:
14. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.

Why Some Men Have Dogs And Not Wives:
 
 
1.  The later you are, the more excited your dog is to see you.
2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.
4. A dog's parents never visit.
5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.
7. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.
8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.
9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, 'If I died, would you get another dog?'
10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.
11. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.
12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.
13. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.
And last, but not least:
14. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.

A professor at the University of Nottingham was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions" to his first year medical students.
 
Realising this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.
 
He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, "Do you know what your arse hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"
 
She replied, "Probably watching 'Forest at the city ground  with his mates"

A drunk man who smelled of  beer sat down on a subway next to a priest.
The man's  tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. 
He opened his  newspaper and began reading.
After a few minutes the man turned to  the priest and asked, "Say Father, what causes  arthritis?"
The priest replies, "My Son, it's   caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your  fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a  bath."
The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be damned”,  then returned to his  paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologised. "I'm  very sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had  arthritis?"
The drunk answered, "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here  that the  Pope does."