Jourdan Posted October 19, 2020 Share Posted October 19, 2020 Thought it might lighten the mood to look back on a few pivotal moments of the recent past and imagine how they came about: Martin walks away Cocu: Chris, we want you to stay. Chris: Thank you, Phil. I want to stay too. Pearce: That’s great to hear. Chris: But I do have a few requests. Mel: We’re listening. Chris: Two years, with the option of a third. *Mel and Pearce deliberate* Chris: £20,000 a week plus bonuses. *Mel and Pearce deliberate further* Mel: OK, done. We’ll draw up the paperwork. Chris: I am not finished. Pearce: Oh? Go on... Chris: Well you know how they say breakfast is the most important meal of the day? It’s never been the same since you made those changes. I really think it’s time to bring them back. Cocu: Bring what back? Chris: Do I really have to say it? Pearce: Say what? Chris: Mel, come on, you know what I am talking about. Mel: Sorry, Chrissy. I am afraid to say my hands are tied. Chris: Are you serious? I am the best player at the club. I score goals. I get assists. I make the team tick. I don’t think I am asking for much. Mel: We are committed to healthy eating. Good nutrition and a balanced diet are both of paramount importance to us. *Curtis Davies walks past the room carrying a tray of kale smoothies* Chris: More important than keeping your best player? *nervous silence* Chris: I see. You’re making a big mistake here, Mel. A colossal mistake. When my next team gets promoted and I am being interviewed live on SSN with a trophy in one hand and a sausage sandwich in the other, you’ll realise exactly what you’ve done. *Chris storms out* Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AndyinLiverpool Posted October 19, 2020 Share Posted October 19, 2020 In before locked Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dethorn Posted October 19, 2020 Share Posted October 19, 2020 All makes sense now - I love a sausage sandwich too Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Waffle Posted October 19, 2020 Share Posted October 19, 2020 What is this in relation to? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AndyinLiverpool Posted October 19, 2020 Share Posted October 19, 2020 Just now, Waffle said: What is this in relation to? It’s a mourning thing Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jourdan Posted October 19, 2020 Author Share Posted October 19, 2020 Bennett starts v Villa Jody: Marriott has to start on Monday, surely? Frank: I hope this transfer ban gets overturned. I’ll never be able to sign Messi if not. Jody: What? Frank: What? I am just thinking about my Chelsea save on FM 20. Jody: *rolls eyes* OK. What about Waghorn to start on Monday? He should be a good match up against Mings. Frank: Mason has to start. Jody: What? Frank: What? It worked against Ajax in the 2022 Champions League final. *Jody throws laptop out of the window* *Curtis Davies walks past the room carrying a tray of kale smoothies* Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rammeister Posted October 19, 2020 Share Posted October 19, 2020 Rooney Signs For Derby Coleen: Answer the phone Wazza. FFS! Can you please stop play boxing with Snoop Dogg! WR: *picks up diamond encrusted house phone* WR: Wazza here. Pay me £10 and I’ll look after your car mister. Paul Stretford: Wazza, it’s me Stretto. I’ve got an offer for you that gets you back from DC and playing in England. WR: Have you purchased me another street in Croxteth with terraced houses on either side where I can kick a ball around with me mates then? PS: No!!! FFS! A proper club. *Coleen’s voice is heard by Stretford shouting at Wazza* Coleen: Will you stop gobbing up on the kitchen floor!! I got the gold plated spittoon in the dining room for you to practice your gobbing technique, you granny shagger. WR: Which club? Man City? Arsenal? Spurs? PS: *mumbles* WR: Chelsea? Everton? It’s Everton again! *sings Z cars tune; gobs and accidentally hits his youngest son square on in the face whilst he’s playing with Snoop Doggs hair* PS: Er, no Wazza. It’s Derby County? WR: *silence down phone* PS: They’ve got Florian Josefzoon there! WR: They have? He’s my favourite. The most technically gifted player ever known when training in the whole of England they say. Ever. In the history of the modern game. Who else they got there, Stretto? PS: Chrissie Martin WR: Fab! He’s fatter than me! He’ll be able to hold the ball up when I do my pin point accurate worldie passes. Is Leon Osman still there? PS: No, Wazza he retired. Anyway, they’ll pay you 10p a week as they are rather hard up. WR: Well, you know me. I’d play 24/7 for nothing if I could with me scally mates, until it gets dark. And I’d run home with a hole in my school trousers. PS: You don’t go to school anymore. CR: Make sure you’re earning lots wherever you’re going as I’ll be wanting to visit the designer shops there, Wazza. WR: It’s Derby County. And they’re paying me 10p a week. But Josefzoon is there. CR: *expletives* *hurls one of Snoop Doggs entourage at Wazza* PS: Tell Coleen not to worry Wazza. I’ve sorted it out with their sponsors that they will pay you £99,999.90 per week. All you need to do is wear the number 32. WR: Can I not wear ‘1’ and be a rush-back goalie? PS: No, you @&?!ing can’t. WR: Alright, calm down, calm down. I’ll do it. But I have to be driven to this place Derby wherever is it is. PS: No problem. They’ve sorted that out for you already. January 2020: Chauffeur turns up at Wazzas house. Wazza gets in car, and asks what the chauffeurs name is... Chauffeur: Florian. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ambitious Posted October 19, 2020 Share Posted October 19, 2020 The failure in the transfer market really did a number on us, huh? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jourdan Posted October 19, 2020 Author Share Posted October 19, 2020 8 minutes ago, Van Rammeister said: Rooney Signs For Derby Coleen: Answer the phone Wazza. FFS! Can you please stop play boxing with Snoop Dogg! WR: *picks up diamond encrusted house phone* WR: Wazza here. Pay me £10 and I’ll look after your car mister. Paul Stretford: Wazza, it’s me Stretto. I’ve got an offer for you that gets you back from DC and playing in England. WR: Have you purchased me another street in Croxteth with terraced houses on either side where I can kick a ball around with me mates then? PS: No!!! FFS! A proper club. *Coleen’s voice is heard by Stretford shouting at Wazza* Coleen: Will you stop gobbing up on the kitchen floor!! I got the gold plated spittoon in the dining room for you to practice your gobbing technique, you granny shagger. WR: Which club? Man City? Arsenal? Spurs? PS: *mumbles* WR: Chelsea? Everton? It’s Everton again! *sings Z cars tune; gobs and accidentally hits his youngest son square on in the face whilst he’s playing with Snoop Doggs hair* PS: Er, no Wazza. It’s Derby County? WR: *silence down phone* PS: They’ve got Florian Josefzoon there! WR: They have? He’s my favourite. The most technically gifted player ever known when training in the whole of England they say. Ever. In the history of the modern game. Who else they got there, Stretto? PS: Chrissie Martin WR: Fab! He’s fatter than me! He’ll be able to hold the ball up when I do my pin point accurate worldie passes. Is Leon Osman still there? PS: No, Wazza he retired. Anyway, they’ll pay you 10p a week as they are rather hard up. WR: Well, you know me. I’d play 24/7 for nothing if I could with me scally mates, until it gets dark. And I’d run home with a hole in my school trousers. PS: You don’t go to school anymore. CR: Make sure you’re earning lots wherever you’re going as I’ll be wanting to visit the designer shops there, Wazza. WR: It’s Derby County. And they’re paying me 10p a week. But Josefzoon is there. CR: *expletives* *hurls one of Snoop Doggs entourage at Wazza* PS: Tell Coleen not to worry Wazza. I’ve sorted it out with their sponsors that they will pay you £99,999.90 per week. All you need to do is wear the number 32. WR: Can I not wear ‘1’ and be a rush-back goalie? PS: No, you @&?!ing can’t. WR: Alright, calm down, calm down. I’ll do it. But I have to be driven to this place Derby wherever is it is. PS: No problem. They’ve sorted that out for you already. January 2020: Chauffeur turns up at Wazzas house. Wazza gets in car, and asks what the chauffeurs name is... Chauffeur: Florian. This feels so real. I bet that’s exactly how it happened. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rammeister Posted October 19, 2020 Share Posted October 19, 2020 38 minutes ago, Jourdan said: This feels so real. I bet that’s exactly how it happened. I was there. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jourdan Posted October 19, 2020 Author Share Posted October 19, 2020 Signing Colin Kazim Richards Pearce: Dursun isn’t coming. Cocu: You know, in the Netherlands, we say that if you break a promise, it brings you seven years of bad luck. Pearce: *nervous laughter* Cocu: Joe, do you have any suggestions? Things are looking desperate. Joe: Well, actually, I got a tip from a teacher who has worked in Mexico and watches a lot of football. Cocu: A striker from the Mexican league? That’s exciting. But expensive, no? Joe: Well, actually, we can get him on a free transfer. He seems pretty eager to come too. Low wages. No special requests. Pearce: Nice one, Joe! But what’s the catch? Joe: No catch, per se. He just asked to bring him a laptop so he can follow the forum’s reaction to his signing. He is expecting a warm Derby welcome. Pearce: *nervous laughter* Mel: OK, I’ll be Andicis this time. Cocu: Can I be Ramfan1958? Just for the laughs? *Curtis Davies walks past the room carrying a tray of kale smoothies* Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
minesahartington Posted October 19, 2020 Share Posted October 19, 2020 4 weeks later Curtis puts down his tray of kale smoothies and finally hoofs the ball into space behind the defenders...unfortunately it doesn’t reach Jack who is in Meadowhall Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sith Happens Posted October 19, 2020 Share Posted October 19, 2020 I came up with one but it's too ludicrous so apologies for being a bit silly. leeds signing seth Johnson Peter Risdale (PR): We really want you to sign seth, think you have a great future here SJ: I'd love to, Leeds are a big team, I can do well here PR: We can only offer you 15k a week but understand that's a big increase on your 5k SJ: (Thinks..get in man thats bloody Brill ) PR: Ok, 35k a week no more. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jourdan Posted October 19, 2020 Author Share Posted October 19, 2020 6 minutes ago, Sith Happens said: I came up with one but it's too ludicrous so apologies for being a bit silly. leeds signing seth Johnson Peter Risdale (PR): We really want you to sign seth, think you have a great future here SJ: I'd love to, Leeds are a big team, I can do well here PR: We can only offer you 15k a week but understand that's a big increase on your 5k SJ: (Thinks..get in man thats bloody Brill ) PR: Ok, 35k a week no more. No Ian Harte walking past the room carrying a tray of vodka shots? At least try and make it believable. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ramslad1992 Posted October 19, 2020 Share Posted October 19, 2020 17 minutes ago, Sith Happens said: I came up with one but it's too ludicrous so apologies for being a bit silly. leeds signing seth Johnson Peter Risdale (PR): We really want you to sign seth, think you have a great future here SJ: I'd love to, Leeds are a big team, I can do well here PR: We can only offer you 15k a week but understand that's a big increase on your 5k SJ: (Thinks..get in man thats bloody Brill ) PR: Ok, 35k a week no more. This deserves a Cheers, clap, haha, COYR and like all together! ?? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EraniosSocks Posted October 19, 2020 Share Posted October 19, 2020 Paul Jewell: Tyrone we have had an offer from Marseille for you, personally, I want you to stay Tyrone Mears: Yeah okay Gaffer, no worries. *Tyrone mears takes his boots and flys to Marseille Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rammeister Posted October 19, 2020 Share Posted October 19, 2020 A Couple Of Hours In The Life Of Twan Scheepers At Derby Monday 19th October: 8am *Turns up Moor Farm having driven Chris Van Der Weeren. Parks car, honks rubber horn. Car falls apart and all four wheels collapse outwards* TS: *In hysterics, as CVDW picks himself up off the ground and dusts himself down* Funny, no? CVDW: No. Not funny. I am no Swiss German, but it wasn’t funny. Especially as you have been doing that in your clown car every single day with me for the past year. TS: *Runs round to give CVDW a hug, wearing 4ft long green clown shoes* That feels better, no? Big Twan hug. CCDW: For Louis Van Gaals sake stop it Twan. The team is not doing well, so now is not the time for these games. We need to be serious. Colin Kazim Richards: Morning Twan and Chris. TS: *Reaches out to shake CKR by the hand. Colin starts to shake Twan’s hand and gets a mild electric shock from the buzzer in Twans hand* Buzzzzzzzzzzz TS: *In hysterics* I’m sorry big man; come on Twan hug. *Twan hugs CKR, perhaps for a little too long, and is prised apart from CKR by Darren and Ethan Wassall* 9am: On Pitch Training TS: *Gets big hugs spreadsheet up on his laptop to record who he has hugged today, and who he has left to hug* *Marks an X next to CVDW, CKR, Darren and Ethan Wassalls names and makes a note to hug Matt Clarke next* TS: Matt! You not had Twan hug today, no? Come here big man. MC: Sheepishly moves towards Twan, only to find that he suddenly has a very wet face from spray emanating from the plastic flower on Twans lapel. TS: *Collapses in hopeless laughter, on the ground legs in the air like a dying fly* Cocu: *calls Twan from the dugout at the side of pitch 8* Twan! Come here, we need to go through these plans for our next game. TS: Runs over in the 4ft long green clown shoes. PC: Sit here Twan. *Pats the padded seat next to him* TS: *Sits down only to have a large ‘ripping noise’ emanate from underneath the padding of the seat* PC: *Cries with laughter at his Whoopee Cushion prank* Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Philmycock Posted October 19, 2020 Share Posted October 19, 2020 I take it you're self-isolating? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
i-Ram Posted October 19, 2020 Share Posted October 19, 2020 3 hours ago, Waffle said: What is this in relation to? It’s just waffle, Waffle. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jourdan Posted October 19, 2020 Author Share Posted October 19, 2020 4 minutes ago, Van Rammeister said: A Couple Of Hours In The Life Of Twan Scheepers At Derby Monday 19th October: 8am *Turns up Moor Farm having driven Chris Van Der Weeren. Parks car, honks rubber horn. Car falls apart and all four wheels collapse outwards* TS: *In hysterics, as CVDW picks himself up off the ground and dusts himself down* Funny, no? CVDW: No. Not funny. I am no Swiss German, but it wasn’t funny. Especially as you have been doing that in your clown car every single day with me for the past year. TS: *Runs round to give CVDW a hug, wearing 4ft long green clown shoes* That feels better, no? Big Twan hug. CCDW: For Louis Van Gaals sake stop it Twan. The team is not doing well, so now is not the time for these games. We need to be serious. Colin Kazim Richards: Morning Twan and Chris. TS: *Reaches out to shake CKR by the hand. Colin starts to shake Twan’s hand and gets a mild electric shock from the buzzer in Twans hand* Buzzzzzzzzzzz TS: *In hysterics* I’m sorry big man; come on Twan hug. *Twan hugs CKR, perhaps for a little too long, and is prised apart from CKR by Darren and Ethan Wassall* 9am: On Pitch Training TS: *Gets big hugs spreadsheet up on his laptop to record who he has hugged today, and who he has left to hug* *Marks an X next to CVDW, CKR, Darren and Ethan Wassalls names and makes a note to hug Matt Clarke next* TS: Matt! You not had Twan hug today, no? Come here big man. MC: Sheepishly moves towards Twan, only to find that he suddenly has a very wet face from spray emanating from the plastic flower on Twans lapel. TS: *Collapses in hopeless laughter, on the ground legs in the air like a dying fly* Cocu: *calls Twan from the dugout at the side of pitch 8* Twan! Come here, we need to go through these plans for our next game. TS: Runs over in the 4ft long green clown shoes. PC: Sit here Twan. *Pats the padded seat next to him* TS: *Sits down only to have a large ‘ripping noise’ emanate from underneath the padding of the seat* PC: *Cries with laughter at his Whoopee Cushion prank* We really could do with a win tomorrow, couldn’t we? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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