How did that conversation go?

[BaaLocks]

3 hours ago, AndyinLiverpool said:

It’s a mourning thing

If we're talking sausage sandwiches surely it's a morning thing

[Millenniumram]

The Striker Debacle:

Mel: Aight Phil, who do you want to sign up front then?

Cocu (Wanting to sign Dursun): Get us that Turkish striker who wasn’t actually born in Turkey that we talked about last week. The big, strong lad who doesn’t score that many goals. I know he’s not been playing at the best level of football, but I think he’s still young enough to make the step up. You know who I’m on about, right?

Mel: Aye don’t worry fam, I gotchu.

A couple of days later....

 

[Sean]

1 hour ago, Van Rammeister said:

A Couple Of Hours In The Life Of Twan Scheepers At Derby

Monday 19th October:

8am *Turns up Moor Farm having driven Chris Van Der Weeren. Parks car, honks rubber horn. Car falls apart and all four wheels collapse outwards*
 

TS: *In hysterics, as CVDW picks himself up off the ground and dusts himself down*

Funny, no? 

CVDW: No. Not funny. I am no Swiss German, but it wasn’t funny. Especially as you have been doing that in your clown car every single day with me for the past year.

TS: *Runs round to give CVDW a hug, wearing 4ft long green clown shoes*

That feels better, no? Big Twan hug.

CCDW: For Louis Van Gaals sake stop it Twan. The team is not doing well, so now is not the time for these games. We need to be serious.

Colin Kazim Richards: Morning Twan and Chris.

TS: *Reaches out to shake CKR by the hand. Colin starts to shake Twan’s hand and gets a mild electric shock from the buzzer in Twans hand*

Buzzzzzzzzzzz

TS: *In hysterics*

I’m sorry big man; come on Twan hug. *Twan hugs CKR, perhaps for a little too long, and is prised apart from CKR by Darren and Ethan Wassall*

9am: On Pitch Training

TS: *Gets big hugs spreadsheet up on his laptop to record who he has hugged today, and who he has left to hug*

*Marks an X next to CVDW, CKR, Darren and Ethan Wassalls names and makes a note to hug Matt Clarke next*

TS: Matt! You not had Twan hug today, no? Come here big man.

MC: Sheepishly moves towards Twan, only to find that he suddenly has a very wet face from spray emanating from the plastic flower on Twans lapel.

TS: *Collapses in hopeless laughter, on the ground legs in the air like a dying fly*

Cocu: *calls Twan from the dugout at the side of pitch 8* 

Twan! Come here, we need to go through these plans for our next game.

TS: Runs over in the 4ft long green clown shoes.

PC: Sit here Twan. *Pats the padded seat next to him*

TS: *Sits down only to have a large ‘ripping noise’ emanate from underneath the padding of the seat*

PC: *Cries with laughter at his Whoopee Cushion prank*

This doesn't seem very realistic. Where is Curtis Davies and his tray of kale smoothies?

[Gee SCREAMER !!]

Phone rings in Abu Dhabi

Hey up cous' it's me , i bought that club I was on about, I'm there now. How about that 100 million for players

Thought I told you that was only available if you bought a club outside the UK.  Can't risk you usurping my team.

Come on .  I've made promises know I'm going to look a right tit.

Tell you what, I've got a couple of blokes painting my palace at the minute. They reckon they used to play a bit.  They were awful as ringers for my lads under 9's team though.  I'll send them over and keep them on the payroll.  Expect there details to come in a e-mail . There called Eddie Lewis and Claude Davis. 

A sound of shattered glass and a cry of horror is heard at Pride Park as an eavesdropping Curtis Davies drops his tray of Kale smoothies