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Boycie

Unwelcome farts

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https://www.standard.co.uk/news/world/fart-disrupts-proceedings-at-regional-assembly-meeting-in-kenya-a4209901.html

This guff stopped a council meeting in its tracks.

Have you ever let a trouser trumpet go at the wrong moment?

Or witnessed a show stopping bottom burp bring proceedings to a temporary halt?

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Got half an eye on Liverpool vs Norwich and for some reason I read 'Unwelcome Old Farts' thought this was a thread about the in-laws dropping in unannounced - which ironically has just happened.

Gonna close this page now before they catch me typing 🥴

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18 minutes ago, Boycie said:

https://www.standard.co.uk/news/world/fart-disrupts-proceedings-at-regional-assembly-meeting-in-kenya-a4209901.html

This guff stopped a council meeting in its tracks.

Have you ever let a trouser trumpet go at the wrong moment?

Or witnessed a show stopping bottom burp bring proceedings to a temporary halt?

I’m at the stage now where i’ll drop one without any choice in the matter.

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Years ago I lived in Long Eaton sharing a house with a mate. Just a massive alcohol pit basically. The toilet/bathroom was downstairs next to the kitchen. One morning I did a poo that made me question how I was living my life. It was rank. The smell filled the whole house. It was impossible to breathe without heaving. My mate had the idea of lighting some matches to somehow burn up the smell - so we unloaded a whole box of Cooks on the stink. In some way those matches seemed to galvanise the stink to the body of the house. It made it worse and it never went away. Months passed and we were constantly lighting scented candles when people came. He hated me after that and I don't blame him.

Sometimes I do a fart that smells a little bit like 'that' poo and i worry. Sometimes at night i can still smell 'that' poo. 

I like to think that he does too sometimes. Although we never speak.

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No fart is unwelcome unless it's someone elses. Ever had to hold one back? You can feel it coming, hold it back and it sort of goes *gloop* as it's sucked back in. Problem doing that more than once is for every "hold back", it multiplies 2 fold.

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2 hours ago, ramit said:

i'm confused, describe a welcome fart

They are all welcome as far as i'm concerned, it's the farts with 'extras' that i worry about.. 

 

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1 hour ago, mozza said:

They are all welcome as far as i'm concerned, it's the farts with 'extras' that i worry about.. 

 

The hot ones that singe the cheeks are evil

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4 hours ago, ramit said:

i'm confused, describe a welcome fart

One in your own company I guess.

One in a lift just before the doors open isn’t welcome normally.

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Posted (edited)

Reminds me of the time I once entered the office kitchen and someone had left one hanging in the air. At that moment one of the secretaries entered. Desperate to put the blame on something else I exclaimed "It smells in here...must be the bin" I then examined the bin and even lifted up the lid to get my point across!

Edited by TimRam

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5 minutes ago, TimRam said:

Reminds me of the time I once entered the office kitchen and someone had left one hanging in the air. At that moment one of the secretaries entered. Desperate to put the blame on something else I exclaimed "It smells in here...must be the bin" I then examined the bin and even lifted up the lid to get my point across!

Similar story. 30 years ago, I shared an office with a very attractive young woman. Our Boss at the time was notorious for farting, any time any place. One day I returned to the office to find her in a very agitated state. The Boss had come in, left a vile fart behind and almost immediately a chap from a different Department had walked in to see her about a work issue. Knowing what he must have thought, she had blushed ( something that often happened ), making it even worse.

”The dirty “Bar Steward” “(the actual word really), she said as I walked in, “Guess what just happened”. There followed an expletive ridden outburst, which finished with “ What must that chap have thought”.

We were good friends and to this day I regret my answer, which I thought was reasonable ( but provocative) at the time..” He’ll have thought that you had farted”.

Various desktop materials came flying through the air in my direction. She still reminds me on the odd occasion when we meet up😀

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When I worked in a small office the FD, a man of close to retirement age, was giving out in the middle of the office to everyone about making certain economies. As he paced through the middle of the desks like a priest giving a sermon he let a loud one out. He never missed a beat - said ‘pardon’ and carried on. I was bursting to laugh, my eyes watering and my face going red. Everyone just sat wide eyed wondering how the hell he managed to do that without cracking up laughing. What a pro 

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27 minutes ago, Ewe Ram said:

When I worked in a small office the FD, a man of close to retirement age, was giving out in the middle of the office to everyone about making certain economies. As he paced through the middle of the desks like a priest giving a sermon he let a loud one out. He never missed a beat - said ‘pardon’ and carried on. I was bursting to laugh, my eyes watering and my face going red. Everyone just sat wide eyed wondering how the hell he managed to do that without cracking up laughing. What a pro 

The one who smelt it dealt it.

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Posted (edited)

There's the story of the jockey who rode the Queen's horses. As she went to greet the horse at the paddock at end of a race the horse broke wind.

Somewhat embrarrassed, the jockey said " I do beg you pardon, Ma'am" to which the Queen replied "Pardon granted, I thought it was the horse."

Edited by Phoenix

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