Premier ram

When I woke up this morning there were eggs all over my bedroom floor. 
I'd overlayed. 

My mate has been crushed by a pile of books.
 
He’s only got his shelf to blame.

It's no longer PC to direct a joke at any racial or ethnic minority, so:-
an Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Gurkha, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a Kiwi, an American, a S African, a Cypriot, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Dane, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Singaporean, an Italian, A Norwegian, a Libyan, a Muslim, a Hindu, a Buddhist and an Ethiopian went to a night club.  The bouncer said " sorry I can't let you in without a Thai"
 

I met my now wife whilst she was working at twycross zoo. She looked lovely in her uniform, straight away I knew she was a keeper 

If anybody wants a copy of Osteopath Weekly
I have back issues.

Having a sort out in the loft and I’ve unearthed a few Rams goodies...

German suspect in Madeleine McCann case.
Bit PC. We used to be able to call them Gerry.

I dialed a number and got the following recording:** **
"I am not available right now, but
Thank you for caring enough to call.
I am making some changes in my life.
Please leave a message after the
Beep. If I do not return your call,
You are one of the changes."
**************************************************
 
A small Boy wrote to Santa Claus," send me a brother."
Santa wrote back, "SEND ME YOUR MOTHER."
**************************************************
 
What is the definition of Mistress?
Someone between the Mister and Mattress.
**************************************************
 
What's the difference between stress, tension and panic?*
Stress is when wife is pregnant,*
Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant,*
and Panic is when both are pregnant.*
**************************************************
 
A woman asks man who is traveling with six children,
"Are all these kids yours?"*
The man replies, "No, I work in a condom factory and these
are customer complaints".
**************************************************
 
A young boy asks his Dad, "What is the difference between confident and confidential?"*
Dad says, "You are my son, I'm confident about that.
Your friend over there, is also my son, that's confidential."
**************************************************
 
Nominated as the best short joke this year...
A three-year-old boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath.
Mom" he asked, "are these my brains?"
"Not yet," she replied.
 
 

binged watched This Country on BBC i player , one word , brilliant

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You obviously haven't been listening."

How Do Court Reporters Keep Straight Faces? 
 
  These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts and are things people actually said ... 
  in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had 
  the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place. 
 
  ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning? 
  WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?' 
  ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you? 
  WITNESS: My name is Susan! 
  _______________________________ 
  ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? 
  WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. 
  ____________________________________________ 
  ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active? 
  WITNESS: No, I just lie there. 
  ____________________________________________ 
  ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth? 
  WITNESS: July 18th. 
  ATTORNEY: What year? 
  WITNESS: Every year. 
  _____________________________________ 
  ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you? 
  WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which. 
  ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you? 
  WITNESS: Forty-five years. 
  _________________________________ 
  ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? 
  WITNESS: Yes. 
  ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory? 
  WITNESS: I forget.. 
  ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot? 
  ___________________________________________ 
  ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? 
  WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam? 
  ____________________________________ 
 
  ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he? 
  WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ. 
  ___________________________________________ 
  ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken? 
  WITNESS: Are you pooping me? 
  _________________________________________ 
  ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? 
  WITNESS: Yes. 
  ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time? 
  WITNESS: Getting laid 
  ____________________________________________ 
 
  ATTORNEY: She had three children , right? 
  WITNESS: Yes. 
  ATTORNEY: How many were boys? 
  WITNESS: None. 
  ATTORNEY: Were there any girls? 
  WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney? 
  ____________________________________________ 
  ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated? 
  WITNESS: By death.. 
  ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated? 
  WITNESS: Take a guess. 
  ___________________________________________ 
 
  ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual? 
  WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard 
  ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female? 
  WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male. 
  _____________________________________ 
  ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? 
  WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. 
  ______________________________________ 
  ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? 
  WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight. 
  _________________________________________ 
  ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to? 
  WITNESS: Oral... 
  _________________________________________ 
  ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? 
  WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM 
  ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? 
  WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished. 
  ____________________________________________ 
  ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? 
  WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question? 
 
  ______________________________________ 
  And last: 
 
  ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? 
  WITNESS: No. 
  ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? 
  WITNESS: No. 
  ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing? 
  WITNESS: No.. 
  ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? 
  WITNESS: No. 
  ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor? 
  WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. 
  ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? 
  WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law. 
 
 
 

What's white and makes a banging noise at the bottom of the garden?
 
A fridge building a rabbit hutch.

The Devon and Cornwall music festival is cancelled as they couldn’t agree whether The Jam or Cream should go on first.

Just been to the Doctors, I told him i've bought a BMW, A Porche and an Audi, He said i've got...the Car Owner Virus.

Latest news, Dyson are going to provide 10000 ventilators. They tried the first one and the patient has started to pick up.

Paul from the chucklebrothers was stood next to me in Asda earlier
I said "Oi, Two metre you"

I've started a dating site for chickens.
It's not my full-time job, I'm just doing it to make hens meet ...

There's going to be a round of applause for couriers and delivery drivers. 
 

It will be some time between 9am and 5pm tomorrow.