ronnieronalde

Hello all, 
It's hard to post this but this week has been possibly the worst my mental health has ever been. I recently posted in another thread about wanting to make 2019 positive but ever since Saturday i've gone downhill so so fast. 
I had a little worry, It started as a minor worry, then it developed inside me to a concern, the grew larger and larger into a huge obsession that i couldn't shift and consequently i found myself at the doors of depression. 
I started taking my Citalopram on Saturday but it hasn't yet kicked in. On Monday, i was in absolute hysteric floods of tears crying to my Mum and Dad and since then the floodgates have definitely opened. My mum gave me a Diazepam to help calm me down but this just made me dizzy and sick before eventually having a calming effect late on in evening.
Tuesday i went in to work as normal at about 2:30 my boss told me to get home and rest because i looked very ill. I went to play football in the evening as i always do on Tuesday but this proved extremely difficult. I thought the exercise and fresh air would do me wonders but inside all i was doing was fixating on my problems. Despite nearly passing out 3 times i managed to make it through. After another cry to my parents i managed 6 hours sleep.
Wednesday i was able to see the doctor. He gave me more tablets and some numbers for CBT therapy providers in the local area. I immediately rang them and was quite shocked just how long the process can take and one of them was charging quite a considerable amount.
Wednesday evening as i attempted to try to be active to my mind of things i panicked and fainted for a good few minutes. After coming round i was take to my bed where again, i found myself in floods of tears being consoled by Girlfriend, Mum and Dad.  
Yesterday morning i woke up very early again. 4:45 to be exact. I dragged my duvet down stairs hoping that a change of scenery may help. I went to take my tablet in the morning as i've started doing and then i got really really scared. I looked at these tablets and though 'Why don't i just take loads of them and then i won't have to feel like this anymore?' So i took one, then took a second one straight after. I started Vomiting almost immediately afterwards, panicking and deep breathing. Before i knew, i had fainted once again only to be found by my Mum. Once i had come round, my vomiting continued and my thoughts worsened about just taking more tablets to stop me feeling bad or anything all together. I was taken straight to the hospital and given a number of physical tests that all came back positive so i was allowed to come home. I hadn't at this point mentioned to the hospital or anyone that i was feeling suicidal.  As the afternoon progresses my mood swung again, up and down and up and down again. Eventually i was again hysterical and i decided that i had to tell my parents that i'd worried about ending things that morning if i could. I explained to them that i felt like a constant failure and that peoples life would be easier without me there. I don't think i've ever cried as much as i did yesterday. I had the same conversation with my girlfriend that evening and it absolutely destroyed me saying what i said but i was and still am scared that i will do something stupid. My dad rang one of the metal health helplines and i explained to them what was happening in my mind and they marked me as 'critical' meaning i needed immediate help. They eventually rang and they were absolutely no help what so ever. The earliest they could see me was Saturday afternoon and despite my girlfriend pleading with the man on the phone that i needed immediate help he just said 'Saturday afternoon' then shut down the conversation to hang up. I was left in the darkest hole i think i could possibly have been in and if it wasn't for the people around me i don't know what i would have done. 
I actually began to improve last night and decided that this morning i would come in to work and get myself some routine back. I have done and so far i'm just about on top of my emotions but even the littlest things feels like it could set me off. 
Christmas is my favourite time of the year and i can't even think about it. I just want to be better for it so the people who are around me can enjoy it too. 
I'm sorry for the essay but i thought writing it down might help and i'm hopeful that i can be on the mend soon and one day look back on it with the experience to help others
 

@AshfieldRamIll back up Lambchops comment about time and getting help from the proffesionals.
Accept that it will take as long as it takes, and people close to you will help see you through. The fog will rise. 
100% of people reading your post are right behind you. ?
 
 

I'm aware there is this public wave of "speak up" if you're unwell but I'd add a word of caution to that. Be careful and be sure that the person you're speaking to is ready to handle it. Friends or bosses.
I've probably dropped hints that I'm out of work right now, although I am trying to rebuild through running my own business.
I was diagnosed with high functioning depression the year I left Poland and didn't continue treatment here in the UK, thinking I should "man up" (the worst ducking phrase in the world of male depression).
High performance anxiety means among other things that I'm very self critical no matter how well I'm performing and don't need or respond well to others criticising, especially if unwarranted.
So I'm working for my best mate, known him since we were five - over a two year period I've gone from earning 150k USD down to accepting a job with him on 24k just because I need to get back on my feet and think working with/for him is the best thing I could do. issue with that, he speaks to me (and others) like I'm a piece of poo, he ricks my balloon when I'm having great days and nothing anyone ever does is good enough, he always focusses on what hasn't been done. 
As a leader, he's everything I'm not. My view, a leader should motivate and lift those around him.
They gave me a target of 650k in sales, I wouldn't accept it. I told them to make it 1.3m - despite the fact I wouldn't get paid any extra, my bonus was 20% of salary no matter how I performed. They told me I was full of poo and wouldn't hit it, apparently I'd put my balls well and truly on the line....
I hit my targets, he wasn't happy cos most of it came from 3 NEW customers and I should focus on trying to get smaller customers as well.
One day he strolled in an 3pm and the first thing he did was hammer me in front of everyone for going to the toilet while the phone is ringing, I'm 44 I hadn't stopped all day and I needed to ask if I could go for a wee?  we have a massive argument in the office and the writing is on the wall. Anyway, I end up sending him an email handing my notice in. He ignores it. Friday afternoon, still nothing, not even an acknowledgement.
So I come to work as normal, not knowing what the duck I can do to get him to listen or talk. I end up sending him a link to an article explaining my illness and ask him if we can talk about it. telling him honestly the way he talks to me hurts.
We talk about it alright, he brings the owner of the company down, we sit in an office for two hours with him telling me I'm schizophrenic, how I'm like a woman and how I'm an analyst and not a sales person, I'm incredibly selfish and disruptive, eventually I start crying and ask him to stop, he shouts upstairs to one of my colleagues and asks him to come down to confirm that yes, I am indeed nuts.
They owed me 4.8k in bonus, due a month later  so instead of walking out, I stayed and promised I would change...I would change. ffs.
It didn't get any better and eventually ended with my best mate taking my mobile phone, my car keys and telling me to leave, when I asked if he was firing me, he said it's better for everyone that you leave, I said I'm not leaving, you need to fire me. His answer was to threaten to call the police and have me removed. I told him he was a twit and next time we were out for a pint I'd... then I shut up.
I had to walk home from the Showcase in Nottingham to Alfreton cos he wouldn't let anyone give me lift.
After a review meeting with no independent witnesses, I was fired for threatening behaviour with the entire office apparently afraid for their safety.
I now can't and don't want to trust anyone. I'm broken. As a team mate, a colleague or even a boss, I'm terrified that they are right.
Be careful who you talk to. Not everyone is understanding, a lot of people are terrified by the very thought of it.

Two things ladies and gents as I've just stumbled onto this thread and still have 260 pages to read. Can you stop being so funny? It's taking too many of my likes. FFS, it's a football forum not a stand up comedy show. Get a grip.
And while I'm on that subject.
People who don't like other posters comments just because it's that poster who has commented. Some genius comments don't get the likes they clearly deserve. (not mine, I hasten to add)
I don't even look at the posters name anymore, just read it and if it's good click like, clap or raise a glass.
 

Is it upsetting you that I'm on here as much as I am lately?

I blocked some bloke on linkedin yesterday.
"My two year old daughter kept me awake till 3 this morning and I had to be up and on the road by four. Instead of complaining, I went to give her a cuddle, Feeling her breath on my cheek as she nodded gently off to sleep was and is one of the best feelings any human being can have" #familycomesfirst #worklifebalance
Together with a picture of him and his little girl. Ironically both looking glowingly wide awake.
It got 3,000 likes and 750 comments by 6am.
#duck right off.
 

Just pray the internet stays on mate.

Having your eyebrows threaded. Whoever invented that way of stealing a living by taking money from gullible young women (and your mate)?!

I blocked some bloke on linkedin yesterday.
"My two year old daughter kept me awake till 3 this morning and I had to be up and on the road by four. Instead of complaining, I went to give her a cuddle, Feeling her breath on my cheek as she nodded gently off to sleep was and is one of the best feelings any human being can have" #familycomesfirst #worklifebalance
Together with a picture of him and his little girl. Ironically both looking glowingly wide awake.
It got 3,000 likes and 750 comments by 6am.
#duck right off.
 

ffs.
I'm only up to page 23, was just about to love another @Paul71 nugget of wisdom and I've ran out of likes.
@David here's an idea to get people like me hooked into spending money likes those ganbling / in game apps I whined so much about.
How much for a packet of 50 likes? ?
These off topic threads are class, Really gives you a much better insight into someone's real personality instead of hating them and arguing about Nigel Clough all day ? 

I'd shake the hand of the artist. Wonderfully put. 
I pulled straight out on somebody the other day. Right in front of them. Not often I make mistakes on the road but I realised that all the gestures for saying sorry also mean "thank you"
How do you say sorry.
It was really close. I feel bad. But when a Pokémon is nearby it seems daft to let it get away

Daft loyalty schemes credit card companies and retailers
save your points, log on remember password "cash in your points for just what you ant"
= a "discount" voucher for something you don't want at a price that you can probably get somewhere else. 
They just want information about your habits in order to sell you something else. I would happily provide this if the "reward" was something useful like .. Money !
Add to that the BS that comes from building societies .. All the introductory rates that vanish very quickly and then they put you on a rate that just about compares with what you would get if you left it under your own bed. Then they send you a letter about this as part of a "promise" to be fair ... so you then go through all the rigmarole role of opening yet another account which involves talking to several eager young people who have all been through the training course and make you listen to all the regulatory stuff several times over. All while addressing you as if you no knowledge of business or commerce and have probably just escaped from a home for the intellectually challenged. I mean, you sit in front of them with a iPhone, their records tell them you have an email address but they still have to ask if you've got internet access ?  They then give you 2 kilos of brochures with all the regulatory stuff repeated again. Look deeper and you see that they have several different current accounts and so many savings accounts that can or cannot be applied for, depending on what account you have or what socks you wear on Tuesdays.
These are money shops they sell money to you at a price or pay interest on money you lend to them. It isn't that complicated. Peoples needs and wants would be much better served by simplicity, clarity and fair dealing .. But like the enegergy companies  there is, in the middle/upper managing level, a self preserving crowd of twerps that need to make it difficult to trade in order to justify their existence. Their Machiavellian games make the lives of the ordinary employees and customers a pain in the neck.  Rant over ...... For now ....
 

Parent and child spaces.
What age does the child have to be for the regulation to no longer apply?
And the amount of disabled spaces at some places is a joke. 

"Open here"
And second later you stand there pissed off with little piece of plastic in your hand and looking for scissors.

People on planes who hear the announcement that's says 'remain seated until the seatbelt sign is switched off' then immediately you hear the click of them taking off their seat belts. Then as soon as the sign does go off they're on their feet grabbing stuff from the overhead lockers, hitting you on the head with it, then stand at some cocky angle trying to push into a queue to get off that's going nowhere 

Exactly why I binned the bin!!! 
Or they cram so much in rather than change it and then it won't come out the bin without a fight or, in the worst case, ripping. Then you have to get a bag for the bag. 

When someone puts rubbish in the kitchen bin and pretends they didn't see there's no bin liner in first. You saw it, you liar!

Obviously this doesn't include people who have genuine difficulties with spelling, but people who say "defiantly" instead of "definitely".

Puns

Back once again... (for the renegade master, D4 damager).
- Unnecessary packaging. Why does my sandwich come in a cellophane wrapper, to then have a cardboard tray underneath the roll? What is the cardboard supporting exactly. I blame the EU. Probably.
- May have already been mentioned, but noisy eaters. There's two of the b*stards in my office. Crisps I accept can be loud, especially the crinkle cut ones but how do they make so much noise when they're eating a banana? Must be poor parenting, which will no doubt be passed down through the generations without correct treatment. Sterilise them.
- People who go abroad and don't make any effort whatsoever to speak the language. Even if it's a simple "hello", "goodbye", "please", "thanks", "can we have a table for 4?". I hate to say it but I think the English are the worst for this.
- On public transport when you already have control of  the armrest, because you arrived at the correct time, and the overweight, slightly smelly w*nker eating prawn cocktail crisps tries to muscle in on your turf. You try to assert your dominance with a combination of dirty sideways glances and light tutting but it's too late, he doesn't mind arm to arm contact, or if he does he can't feel it through the layers of blubber he's acquired over the last 40 years. A blight on modern Britain.
- Also on public transport when people sit in the aisle seat, with a vacant window seat. Or even worse when they sit by the window and place their bag in the aisle seat and look at you as though you've asked them to give up their unborn child when you enquire as to whether you may move the offending item. I propose private train services for nice people only to combat this.
- The price of razor blades.
- Poor lift ettiquette. You've chosen the responsibility of Button Control Officer, please be courteous enough to ask me which floor I require, instead of making me lunge awkwardly over your shoulder. Anyone of sound body not travelling more than the required 6 floors in an upward direction should exit immediately.
- Mothers with prams, old biddies, gangs of pre-teens, infact any female of our species in a city centre environment. Unfortunately sometimes men have to go shopping as well, and we must forever put up with the slow walking pace, the stopping to check the baby is still in it's pram, the stopping to look in shop windows, the stopping in shop doorways to bitch to your best girlfriend who you've just seen, the zig-zagging and changing of lanes to cut infront of you at the entrance to Birds... this is why the high street is f**ked.

When she doesn't stack pots in the sink correctly. A plate on a bowl on a cup?
When they finish with a toilet roll and leave the cardboard in the bog
When she doesn't arrange food neatly on the plates. Including her plate
Being asked where I'm going when I'm heading upstairs
My daughter saying "pardon" when she's heard you.
Having a rubbish bag 5 yards from the black bin. Unless it's raining grenades then just walk outside?
When she puts things ON the bag instead of IN the bag
When one of them, not sure which, puts a plate with any food on it in the sink.
When any of them, including the tiny one, leave cereal in a bowl.
The smell of toast
When she does jam on toast but rations the jam. 
Teaoffee or Coftea. Use a different spoon!!!! 
When the bigger one leaves baby wipes around for the tiny one to empty the packet and then the fooking furry one eats them!!! 
Strapping them in the car when they sit on the groin bit and stare at you as you try to fish it out. 
When the tiny one sucks toothpaste off the brush. 
When she does their hair. The noise is a bloody joke. 

From today's Grauniad.
Principal Developer Obligations Officer
Contribute to the development of policy and methodologies for Developer Obligations and manage the Developer Obligations team and the effective and efficient delivery of the Developer Obligations service, by securing and implementing developer contributions to offset the impact of development on infrastructure and services
There is a responsibility for the post holder to demonstrate a commitment to quality service delivery through continuous improvement for the benefit of the Service and the organisation
This position is designated as a 'Flexible' post as detailed on the Worksmart website via the button below.
Informal enquiries to Pat Jericevich Tel 01224 664553
Responsibilities
Manage the Developer Obligations team, ensuring client needs are anticipated, identified, and met in all aspects of developer obligations affecting the Council and that maximum benefit is accrued in accordance with the policy requirements to the Council, from developers seeking planning consent in the Aberdeenshire area and other Council areas where Service Level Agreements apply
Contribute to working parties considering the operational implications of Developer Obligations initiatives, developments or changes in legislation and represent the Council in all forms of agreements with developers, partners and stakeholders
Ensure developer obligations are optimised on behalf the Council and that legal and financial risks to the Council are considered and managed
Lead on and manage the collection arrangements of monies arising from developer obligations and monitor associated financial income
Contribute to the on-going development of Developer Obligations strategy and policy, and contribute to the implementation and monitoring of legislation and regulation
Contribute to the assessment of service user needs and development, design and improvement of the Developer Obligations section and to the Business service of Legal & Governance
Line Manage the Senior Officer, Officers, Co-ordinator, Support Officer and any trainee or additional support staff within the Developer Obligations Team
Liaise with in-house solicitors regarding the terms of agreements
Lead on the provision of training on Developer Obligations
Contribute to the long term planning of the section’s physical and information resources, and pursue and implement innovative ICT approaches within the service
Sounds good. What does it mean?

People who expect their point to be taken seriously on a public forum, yet insist on using wot instead of what, etc.
Genuine spelling mistakes I can live with, but to not even be arsed to type 1 or 2 extra characters when you wish to express yourself means I'll never take your point seriously. 
It's probs just me who has this problem, obvs.

People who video important events on their mobile rather than actually experiencing them.
The Leicester City parade thing was on the TV's at the gym last night & I found myself getting irritated by the number of players walking around the stage filming it and then standing there tapping away on the phones, presumably updating Twitter or whatever. I'm sure the same would have happened regardless of which club it was & it happens everywhere now.
Just put the phone down!. It's on TV. Thousands of fans have come to see you and you're typing on your phone. Stupid.
It was the same with the athletes at the Olympics opening ceremony. This is maybe the biggest thing they are ever going to do and highlight of their career and instead of taking in the moment, they're experiencing it through their cameras.

Where I used to work people used to bring curry and stuff to the canteen and stink the place out with garlic, it made me gag. 
People who run from the back of their check out queue when they open a new checkout so they get to the front, usually with a look like 'ooh look at me, I'm wide awake and on it, you losers' 
companies that take your wad of money then refuse to communicate when you have a problem with their goods  
I'm contributing far too much to this topic.