King Kevin

A horse is in the pub having a few drinks when spots a donkey in the corner, so he nips over to have a natter. The donkey asks "What did you do for a living?”  Horse says " I ran on the flat in the summer and over the jumps in the winter". The donkey says "I worked with the kids on blackpool beach". Then he asks "Did you win anything?” The horse says "Yeah, on the flat I won the Oaks, St. Leger and the Derby and over the jumps I won the Grand National and the Gold Cup”.
They arrange to meet at the donkey's house a week later. The donkey thinks, "I need to impress this guy he's done everything" , so he buys a big picture of a zebra and hangs it above the fireplace. The horse arrives and says "Lovely place you have here and who's that in the picture on the wall?” The donkey replies " That’s me when I played for Juventus!”

Eileen and her husband Bob went for counseling after 25 years of marriage.
When asked what the problem was, Eileen went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 25 years they had been married.
She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking Eileen to stand, embraced her, unbuttoned her blouse and bra, put his hands on her breasts and massaged them thoroughly, while kissing her passionately as her husband Bob watched with a raised eyebrow!  

Eileen shut up, buttoned up her blouse, and quietly sat down while basking in the glow of being highly aroused.

The therapist turned to Bob and said, 'This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?'

Bob thought for a moment and replied, 'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf.     

When he was on his uppers, Elvis Costello once swapped a tyre for a box of chocolates. That was a Goodyear for the Roses.

Couldn't remember the Roman numerals for 51, 6 and 500.

Livid.

Eileen and her husband Bob went for counseling after 25 years of marriage.
When asked what the problem was, Eileen went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 25 years they had been married.
She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking Eileen to stand, embraced her, unbuttoned her blouse and bra, put his hands on her breasts and massaged them thoroughly, while kissing her passionately as her husband Bob watched with a raised eyebrow!  

Eileen shut up, buttoned up her blouse, and quietly sat down while basking in the glow of being highly aroused.

The therapist turned to Bob and said, 'This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?'

Bob thought for a moment and replied, 'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf.     

Italian Tomato Garden

An old Italian lived alone in  New Jersey .  He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard.

His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison.  The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,  
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over.  I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love,

Papa

A few days later he received a phone call from his son, Vinnie.

Hey Pop, don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried. 

 At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.

That same day the old man received another call from his son.

Hey Pop, go ahead and plant those tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.

A professor at the University of Nottingham was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions" to his first year medical students.
 
Realising this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.
 
He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, "Do you know what your arse hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"
 
She replied, "Probably watching 'Forest at the city ground  with his mates"

First time round I thought it was a bit weak, but oddly I watched it again because my nephew was round and he expressed an interest as his Granddad was really there. It works if you view it as a kind of "everymans" view of a moment in time, life and history. The ship sinking scenes were incredible honest and graphic, there was a raw in the moment honesty that I appreciated on a different level than daring do and noble sacrifice ( things I enjoy watching usually) ... A worthy take on an amazing story. ( can't forgive them the 1970's railway carriage though  ) 

A professor at the University of Nottingham was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions" to his first year medical students.
 
Realising this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.
 
He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, "Do you know what your arse hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"
 
She replied, "Probably watching 'Forest at the city ground  with his mates"

A professor at the University of Nottingham was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions" to his first year medical students.
 
Realising this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.
 
He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, "Do you know what your arse hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"
 
She replied, "Probably watching 'Forest at the city ground  with his mates"

I am sure you have tried certain things so forgive me if I am teaching you to suck eggs or stating the obvious .Firstly you have to start to take positives from your daily life ,if something appears negative ask why it might be so and try to turn it around .Let's face it, short of you or someone closest to you having a major mishap anything else is irrelevant or fixable ,honest. 
If you get the shakes /nerves try cupping your hand over your nose and mouth and take deep breaths it regulates the carbon dioxide levels in your blood .
When you are having a good spell ask yourself why you feel different ,try to hang on to the feeling of wellbeing, easier said than done but you can replicate it .
As I say not trying to reinvent the wheel hope it helps.

There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage.'

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up. One is a good looking, older retired golfer in his late sixties and the other is a gorgeous blonde in her mid-twenties.
 
The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it - This is one ferocious lion! He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment -- chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"
 
The girl says, "I'll go first."
 
She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About half way there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.
 
The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.
 
The circus owner's jaw is on the floor.
 
He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the retired golfer and asks, "Can you top that?"
 
The tough old golfer replies, "No problem, just get that lion out of the way."

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up. One is a good looking, older retired golfer in his late sixties and the other is a gorgeous blonde in her mid-twenties.
 
The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it - This is one ferocious lion! He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment -- chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"
 
The girl says, "I'll go first."
 
She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About half way there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.
 
The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.
 
The circus owner's jaw is on the floor.
 
He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the retired golfer and asks, "Can you top that?"
 
The tough old golfer replies, "No problem, just get that lion out of the way."

I am sure you have tried certain things so forgive me if I am teaching you to suck eggs or stating the obvious .Firstly you have to start to take positives from your daily life ,if something appears negative ask why it might be so and try to turn it around .Let's face it, short of you or someone closest to you having a major mishap anything else is irrelevant or fixable ,honest. 
If you get the shakes /nerves try cupping your hand over your nose and mouth and take deep breaths it regulates the carbon dioxide levels in your blood .
When you are having a good spell ask yourself why you feel different ,try to hang on to the feeling of wellbeing, easier said than done but you can replicate it .
As I say not trying to reinvent the wheel hope it helps.

Food or his missus? ?

The missus is just drumming up a roast dinner with pork chops ,yorkshires ,nobby greens carrots peas .stuffing ,spring cabbage etc roast tatties and mash. Bless her.

A couple driving home run over a badger. They stop to see if it is ok. The badger was breathing but very cold.
The man said to his wife put it between your legs to warm it up.
The wife said but it's wet and it stinks.
The man said well hold its nose.

Got round to watching Dunkirk last night absolute garbage ,not a patch on the 1958 version .The CGI and the background, Ahem soundtrack is just terrible.

A bride on her wedding night says to her husband 'I must confess darling, I was a hooker!'. 

He says 'That's all right, dear. Your past is your past, but I must admit that I find it quite erotic. Tell me about it'. 

She replies 'Well, my name was Bob, and I played for Wigan !'. 

A man says to his wife 'tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time'. 

His wife replies 'You've got a bigger knob than your brother'

What's the matter,getting picky in your old age?

What's the matter,getting picky in your old age?

It's improved since I last went.

It's improved since I last went.