Mostyn6

@RamDon I found your post incredibly moving to read. It was a good job I was reading it on the loo at home and not at work! As someone who floats between content and misery with regularity, I take incredible comfort (if that's the word!) in knowing that I am not alone in having dark thoughts.
I don't think I've been to the extremes though, hence the initial post asking how people know when they've hit the bottom, I've certainly had moments thinking about ending it all, and think I've almost attempted to twice over 20 years.
My situation is borne out of loneliness, and lack of intimacy, I'm sure of it. I struggle to find purpose in life. I've found a good way to paper over the cracks is by having things to look forward to. My recent holiday to Portugal kept my mind occupied for a while and gave me something to focus on, but even leading up to that, I felt incredibly low at my feelings that friends cannot make time for me, so my days were Work, Home, Eat, Sleep, repeat, and nothing else. Since returning from that holiday, the low feeling returned, and the emptiness. I've not seen any of the other 16 lads I went away with since, which is part of it.
I know a lot of people have it worse than me. SO I try not to burden people with my issues. But thank you for posting your story. 

Some very powerful and moving life experiences in this thread,and a lot of brave souls willing to share them with, let's face it , strangers . Maybe just writing them down and posting them on here is very good therapy . Great bunch of people on this site, I love you all ..

My entire family (both parents; older sister and younger brother), excluding myself until last year, suffer seriously from depression. I was always aware that I too had a tendency towards depression but seemed to possess an innate ability to redirect my mind towards thoughts and/or activities which averted falling into a depressive state.
Even when a close mate died of a drug overdose after years where I was the only person who remained to support him through many attempts to get, and stay, 'clean'; even after his family denied him a funeral because they didn't want anyone to know he'd been a drug addict, I sought counselling and worked with families of addicts for years afterward by way of 'processing' all that happened.
But that changed just over 12 months ago when the brain damage I had so miraculously avoided when I 'died' of a pulmonary embolism on 31/10/2007 (I was clinically dead for 45 minutes apparently, then comatose for almost a month) was diagnosed as beginning to happen. Essentially, the diagnosis was that I would likely have all of the symptoms of Alzheimer's within 5-10 years; it's fair to say that I have always been proud of my intellect and strength of mind and the diagnosis struck directly at both. I couldn't divulge the diagnosis to my family and told only a couple of my closest friends. Not long after, the family learned that my father had been gambling once again. The combination hit me badly. I called in sick to work for the week that Sunday night as I could feel - for the first time in my life - a physical weight descend around me, crushing me. I know now it was my first - and only - episode with clinical depression; in a way, I knew it then.
Later that night (I have only admitted this to one person, a mate of 20 years + who had battled clinical depression for several years), I literally started trying to think if I should end it all.
The only thing which snapped me out of the downward spiral was my dog. After spending quite some time with him (saying 'goodbye' I suppose), Ned (very unusually) disobeyed my instruction to go outside and I went ballistic at him.
Ned was terrified, the first time he'd ever cowed in front of me. Having been an abused dog when I adopted him (in April 2007) who'd become confident to the point where few could imagine he'd been a scared, abused little dog when I adopted him, that cut me to the bone. It penetrated the 'fog' around my psyche; all I really immediately understood was that his last memory of me be frightening.
I spent the rest of that night just holding Ned, trying to make it up to him and sought help the next day.
But, had he not defied me and then responded with such obvious terror of me, I honestly don't know what would have stopped me doing something stupid that night. I have no idea what would have happened to be honest; intuitively, I believe I would have found something to cling on to. That, perhaps, is convenient revisionism; all I truly understand is that, for the first time in my life, I was literally careering out of control. 
Now having experienced it, I am strong again. Work has been tortuous in recent months (they've actually tried to use my future disability against me) and, if I was as vulnerable now as I was then, the outcome of recent months may not have been pretty. But I'm not. I am strong again and no one other than myself can undermine me mentally again. My sister and several close friends have proved whom I can lean on when, and if, I need it.

Please don't, we've no one else on standby.

As you can tell I'm fairly new to this forum but i've read through this post with great interest, I think its wonderful on a football based forum that this type of subject is discussed.
I was always lead to believe that as a man I should be the strong silent type, stiff upper lip, take everything in my stride, not let anything bother me. I went through life pretty happily with that outlook, no real emotional highs or lows just plodding along as most folk do.
I was then involved in a head on car crash, which was no fault of my own, nothing I could do to avoid it, one second driving along listening to Ken Bruce, next second bang.
This has changed me forever, mentally and physically. I sustained life changing physical injuries. I've adapted to them pretty well and hopefully after a couple more operations this year I'll have no more pain or the need for constant pain killers.
But mentally, wow what a difference. Mrs, kids, mortgage, no income. I was self employed so entitled to bugger all. Savings soon disappear, help from family and friends soon disappears (although I'm incredibly grateful to them). Thats when the rot sets in, i was in pain that I couldn't describe and wouldn't wish on anybody, unable to sleep so just lay awake worrying about things, the stiff upper lip soon disappears and I was a quivering, anxious, worried, in agony shell of the man I used to be. Thought about ending it all, couldn't do it to my family. But was I better alive or a burden. I couldn't even wipe my own arse, shower or brush my teeth, She was cutting my food up and feeding me! I'm sure my Mrs never signed up for that 20+ years ago!
I was diagnosed with post traumatic stress and as most types of treatment for this numb the nerves it was supposed to be the best thing for me to relieve some pain. Non of em worked, still in agony, still a nervous wreck, worried about everything. Strange side effects, some sexual ones as have been mentioned by others. No fun having a boner 24/7 and being able to go like a stallion when your falling to bits, wish i'd took em when i was 18 though.
Wow I've just read back through this and didn't realise I'd rambled on so much, i do apologise. This brings me to my point though. Talk to people, for Gods (deity of ones choosing) sake, talk to someone, anyone. I saw a therapist, very sceptical at first, but it's great to get it of your chest. I've been lucky my Mrs, kids and close family have been amazing, I wouldn't have got through it without them, I'm a different person now, I cry watching supervet on the TV, I would never have done that before my accident as it wasn't the thing to do. And the thing that got me through it all was talking to people and expressing how I felt, not bottling things up and screaming out loud when I had to!
It might not work for everyone, I can only give input from my experience, but it got me through the darkest days of my life. I'm still not fully recovered but I can see a bright light at the end of a very long dark tunnel.
 

I'm not happy with the dumping of the tv on our streets like this!
we need to make a stand.

I take beta blockers for anxiety as they really do help the physical manifestations that I experience with anxiety.
also have CBT and councelling to help with the underlying issues. Been like this for almost 2 years. Coming out the other side now hopefully.

he was on about Cheltenham

if it helps, type it in a PM to me. Just getting it on the screen takes --% of it away from solely your own burden. I cannot offer or promise a solution, but you know that already.

I was close to reviving this thread last week. Not sure why I didn't.
I confided in an aunt a few weeks ago, she was a bit upset that I'd gone through a rough period alone, and very upset with my mother, who I have no relationship with whatsoever.
A few days passed and my aunt's daughter (my cousin) sent me a lengthy text about her husband, who I really admire, but haven't seen for a while, going through a really really rough period. She echoed a lot of the advice given in here, and that thankfully, her husband is getting better.
I'd like to think I'd come through the roughest part with the introduction of more regular exercise, and knowing I can vent on here without criticism for it.
Hope you do find the first step again @SaintRam, your contribution to this thread has been noted and appreciated I can assure you.

Just heard Mostyn talking about this towards the end of the most recent podcast and thought what he said on footballers' depression was interesting. Wasn't it our former boss John Gregory who absolutely laid into Stan Collymore once because he was depressed? 
Anyway, just thought I might also bump this back up after discussion on the pod. 
Hope everyone who posted on this thread is doing well! 

A friend of mine had never seen 'Full Metal Jacket' before so we watched it last night.
He thought it was incredible and even though I have watched it several times before,still find it an amazing film each and every time I see it.
10/10.

I watched Gone Girl last night.
Very bizarre, but a poor ending for me, what a psycho!
6/10

so, just to give an update to the hordes of you that messaged me privately, and here publicly, with your concerns and support.
I shelled out £400 on a pretty damned good treadmill from Argos (Reebok ZR9 if you're after a bargain!), and burned off a few calories putting the bloody thing together. I've had three workouts in 3 days and my calves are a bit tight, but I can already feel that I am feeling a bit...no, quite a lot better about myself.
I also got hold of Vitamin D tablets, which have definitely, without doubt, given me more energy in the office at work.
I saw this article today:- http://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2016/jan/18/sad-exercise-antidepressants and made me think about writing this.
So, firstly, I'm not too proud to admit I took the advice from posters on here, and secondly, thanks to anyone in here who gave a ****, cos I do about others, and it gave me a little bit of a boost that people didn't just slate me for starting this thread.
Here's to better times x

so, just to give an update to the hordes of you that messaged me privately, and here publicly, with your concerns and support.
I shelled out £400 on a pretty damned good treadmill from Argos (Reebok ZR9 if you're after a bargain!), and burned off a few calories putting the bloody thing together. I've had three workouts in 3 days and my calves are a bit tight, but I can already feel that I am feeling a bit...no, quite a lot better about myself.
I also got hold of Vitamin D tablets, which have definitely, without doubt, given me more energy in the office at work.
I saw this article today:- http://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2016/jan/18/sad-exercise-antidepressants and made me think about writing this.
So, firstly, I'm not too proud to admit I took the advice from posters on here, and secondly, thanks to anyone in here who gave a ****, cos I do about others, and it gave me a little bit of a boost that people didn't just slate me for starting this thread.
Here's to better times x

so, just to give an update to the hordes of you that messaged me privately, and here publicly, with your concerns and support.
I shelled out £400 on a pretty damned good treadmill from Argos (Reebok ZR9 if you're after a bargain!), and burned off a few calories putting the bloody thing together. I've had three workouts in 3 days and my calves are a bit tight, but I can already feel that I am feeling a bit...no, quite a lot better about myself.
I also got hold of Vitamin D tablets, which have definitely, without doubt, given me more energy in the office at work.
I saw this article today:- http://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2016/jan/18/sad-exercise-antidepressants and made me think about writing this.
So, firstly, I'm not too proud to admit I took the advice from posters on here, and secondly, thanks to anyone in here who gave a ****, cos I do about others, and it gave me a little bit of a boost that people didn't just slate me for starting this thread.
Here's to better times x

Whoa there! 
I'm only trying introduce exercise into my hectic life, not trying to break into the Olympic squad!! 
Nowhere near fit enough for that malarkey yet. By the time I've jogged to the end of the road, it's time to stop and rest lol. 
I need to learn to er...er....er.. Run before i can run!! 

Whoa there! 
I'm only trying introduce exercise into my hectic life, not trying to break into the Olympic squad!! 
Nowhere near fit enough for that malarkey yet. By the time I've jogged to the end of the road, it's time to stop and rest lol. 
I need to learn to er...er....er.. Run before i can run!! 

Whoa there! 
I'm only trying introduce exercise into my hectic life, not trying to break into the Olympic squad!! 
Nowhere near fit enough for that malarkey yet. By the time I've jogged to the end of the road, it's time to stop and rest lol. 
I need to learn to er...er....er.. Run before i can run!! 

so, just to give an update to the hordes of you that messaged me privately, and here publicly, with your concerns and support.
I shelled out £400 on a pretty damned good treadmill from Argos (Reebok ZR9 if you're after a bargain!), and burned off a few calories putting the bloody thing together. I've had three workouts in 3 days and my calves are a bit tight, but I can already feel that I am feeling a bit...no, quite a lot better about myself.
I also got hold of Vitamin D tablets, which have definitely, without doubt, given me more energy in the office at work.
I saw this article today:- http://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2016/jan/18/sad-exercise-antidepressants and made me think about writing this.
So, firstly, I'm not too proud to admit I took the advice from posters on here, and secondly, thanks to anyone in here who gave a ****, cos I do about others, and it gave me a little bit of a boost that people didn't just slate me for starting this thread.
Here's to better times x

so, just to give an update to the hordes of you that messaged me privately, and here publicly, with your concerns and support.
I shelled out £400 on a pretty damned good treadmill from Argos (Reebok ZR9 if you're after a bargain!), and burned off a few calories putting the bloody thing together. I've had three workouts in 3 days and my calves are a bit tight, but I can already feel that I am feeling a bit...no, quite a lot better about myself.
I also got hold of Vitamin D tablets, which have definitely, without doubt, given me more energy in the office at work.
I saw this article today:- http://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2016/jan/18/sad-exercise-antidepressants and made me think about writing this.
So, firstly, I'm not too proud to admit I took the advice from posters on here, and secondly, thanks to anyone in here who gave a ****, cos I do about others, and it gave me a little bit of a boost that people didn't just slate me for starting this thread.
Here's to better times x

so, just to give an update to the hordes of you that messaged me privately, and here publicly, with your concerns and support.
I shelled out £400 on a pretty damned good treadmill from Argos (Reebok ZR9 if you're after a bargain!), and burned off a few calories putting the bloody thing together. I've had three workouts in 3 days and my calves are a bit tight, but I can already feel that I am feeling a bit...no, quite a lot better about myself.
I also got hold of Vitamin D tablets, which have definitely, without doubt, given me more energy in the office at work.
I saw this article today:- http://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2016/jan/18/sad-exercise-antidepressants and made me think about writing this.
So, firstly, I'm not too proud to admit I took the advice from posters on here, and secondly, thanks to anyone in here who gave a ****, cos I do about others, and it gave me a little bit of a boost that people didn't just slate me for starting this thread.
Here's to better times x

so, just to give an update to the hordes of you that messaged me privately, and here publicly, with your concerns and support.
I shelled out £400 on a pretty damned good treadmill from Argos (Reebok ZR9 if you're after a bargain!), and burned off a few calories putting the bloody thing together. I've had three workouts in 3 days and my calves are a bit tight, but I can already feel that I am feeling a bit...no, quite a lot better about myself.
I also got hold of Vitamin D tablets, which have definitely, without doubt, given me more energy in the office at work.
I saw this article today:- http://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2016/jan/18/sad-exercise-antidepressants and made me think about writing this.
So, firstly, I'm not too proud to admit I took the advice from posters on here, and secondly, thanks to anyone in here who gave a ****, cos I do about others, and it gave me a little bit of a boost that people didn't just slate me for starting this thread.
Here's to better times x

so, just to give an update to the hordes of you that messaged me privately, and here publicly, with your concerns and support.
I shelled out £400 on a pretty damned good treadmill from Argos (Reebok ZR9 if you're after a bargain!), and burned off a few calories putting the bloody thing together. I've had three workouts in 3 days and my calves are a bit tight, but I can already feel that I am feeling a bit...no, quite a lot better about myself.
I also got hold of Vitamin D tablets, which have definitely, without doubt, given me more energy in the office at work.
I saw this article today:- http://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2016/jan/18/sad-exercise-antidepressants and made me think about writing this.
So, firstly, I'm not too proud to admit I took the advice from posters on here, and secondly, thanks to anyone in here who gave a ****, cos I do about others, and it gave me a little bit of a boost that people didn't just slate me for starting this thread.
Here's to better times x

so, just to give an update to the hordes of you that messaged me privately, and here publicly, with your concerns and support.
I shelled out £400 on a pretty damned good treadmill from Argos (Reebok ZR9 if you're after a bargain!), and burned off a few calories putting the bloody thing together. I've had three workouts in 3 days and my calves are a bit tight, but I can already feel that I am feeling a bit...no, quite a lot better about myself.
I also got hold of Vitamin D tablets, which have definitely, without doubt, given me more energy in the office at work.
I saw this article today:- http://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2016/jan/18/sad-exercise-antidepressants and made me think about writing this.
So, firstly, I'm not too proud to admit I took the advice from posters on here, and secondly, thanks to anyone in here who gave a ****, cos I do about others, and it gave me a little bit of a boost that people didn't just slate me for starting this thread.
Here's to better times x