Norman

The phrase "absolute scenes".
Most often uttered by some "absolute lad" who has just had his "acca" come in whilst sharing some other "absolute banter" possibly while eating some "absolute Nando's".
Insomnia. Not the Faithless banger, the horrible get 45 minutes sleep a night one.

you ONLY get judged here by your football opinion, and even then, someone will agree with you.

This thread is a constant source of encouragement. To know there are fellow rams, fellow people who understand how I feel is comforting:
Not that I wish any of you ill. It just provides me people to relate 
After reading all posts I realise my problems pale in significance.
i am alone. By choice. I enjoy my own company and relish time to myself to get into my own thoughts:
However; the reality is i darent check this thread, or even this forum for fear that I will be judged unless I've had a few to drink
I only wish I were as brave as everyone else on this thread.

I am so astounded by the time taken by complete strangers to read my post, and write such eloquent, helpful replies. 
I would just like to say thanks for the brilliant responses. Genuine thanks.
I'm sure some of these responses will be of huge help, not just to myself, but those lurking or who already post. 
I don't know what else to say. I'm stunned. Thank you.

Actually that's not fair - i'd delete that if i could. Mental health can be hugely complex of course - i wouldn't trivialise it at all.
My earlier post was just suggesting that from a biochemists point of view, and trying to treat the person as a whole rather than a specific ailment - then a dietry change might help some people.

Maybe it has always been this prevalent and it just seems on the increase as there is greater awareness and openness. This is the case in child abuse, your child is no more at risk of being abducted than in the 60s, 70s or 80s, we just perceive a greater risk.
I would also suggest that we have higher expectations of our outcomes than in previous generations and the social and economic mobility has led to a more fractured and isolated society where our place of study, work and extended family were likely to be geographically near,
I was in the barbers the other day and an old lady was in with her grandson. She was telling me how much she saw of him as he lived across the road. She told me how her son was soon moving the family 10-12 miles away to get a bigger house, but for a car-less Gran it was 2-3 buses away and you see the sadness in both of them.
What a fractured web we weave when we try too hard to achieve.      

Internet what? Never heard of it mate...

What the **** is wrong with the world that we live in that it does this to so many of us? Are any of us truly happy? Christ sakes...
I know it's brain chemistry, I know it's not as simple as life is ****, but what are we all doing wrong fundamentally that puts us like this? I just can't accept that this mental health crisis is just the way things are. There must be something we can change.
Is it our diets? Lack of sunlight? Technology? Aliens with a depression ray?
There's more of us than you think, and it's bittersweet to think that. On one hand, we're not alone. On the other hand, how and why is it this way?
P.S. Politely, don't ask me to share my story, because I haven't got one. I'm just miserable as **** and everything is useless and pointless, same as the rest of you. I'm just looking to see if anyone knows what the **** is happening? Seriously? Why are we all ****** up?

I'm at work right now but due to handing my role over to someone else I've got literally nothing to do for the next four hours so thought I'd share my experience in the hope it helps anyone at all.
 
Much like David and several people here, I suffer from anxiety. Bit of a backstory, I had it in my teens and wasn't sure what it was, I would experience that stomach gnawing fear at random situations that I couldn't understand at the time. I would become terrified at the idea of eating in front of people outside of my family. I was terrified of buses, I wasn't diving into buses as the 5:43 to Ripley rolled by but the idea of being on one made me feel horribly sick. I also had the classic social anxiety for major events, I could be out with friends doing whatever and be quite happy but roll up a big party that I wasn't sure of the location/exits of and my stomach couldn't handle it, particularly going up town on a night. I understand now that it was a social anxiety revolving around a lack of control, the fear of being sick especially worried me which caused the bus and eating fear, I couldn't create an exit for these situations and so my brain couldn't cope.
 
I missed out on a lot in my teens and I'm frustrated to not have challenged it more at the time. I did challenge it, I had to get on buses for the princes trust meetings I had six years ago, I tried to eat in any situation that set me off and I went out wherever I could manage it. Sometimes it was a success, others I looked so pale and shakey that people thought I was legitimately ill, ironically giving me an exit and stopping any real embarrassment.
 
I dealt with that myself and managed to generally beat it, or so I thought. At the end of 2014 I suffered a massive anxiety attack that put me in bed for a week and took away my ability to speak for days. I was locked in my own head with a level of fear I've never had before and don't wish to experience again. It was caused by my health and created a spiral of health anxiety which continues in a very lower level to this day, though now I do have it under lock and key most of the time.

I tremor. when I turn my hands they shake, I've generally got an almost imperceptible shake to my hands when they act that you won't notice unless you focus on it or I stress it in some way. This goes for my legs, joints and back too. I worked as a Poker Dealer for over six months and the focus you have on your hands in that line of work, and the focus others have on your hands, raised a few comments at how 'nervous' I must be etc when I was quite calm and happy. I started to notice it too and kept an eye on it. Unfortunately I decided to google it one morning when I was pouring milk into a cup of tea and couldn't keep the bottle steady. I took one look at the 3 causes of tremor and what I can only describe as a hammer blow came down on my senses. It was sheer panic.

The only three causes of action tremor like mine, unless it's a minute chance of some rare and wonderful tropical disease, are a benign tremor, MS or MND. I either had a tremor that may advance in difficulty over life very slowly or quickly (no bother), I had MS and my career which I'd just spent 2 years running towards would be over, I'd be in a wheelchair in ten years. Or the ever fun MND/ALS. I'd be dead within 5.

Metaphorically speaking, I **** it. I absolutely **** it.

I basically collapsed onto my girlfriend's bed. I lay there shaking and had to be talked round from inside my head over 3 hours as I played over the fear of losing everything I had. I've mentioned it once or twice but just shy of four years ago I realised what I wanted to do with my life was to work alongside the UN Peacekeepers, off saving the world with logistics and diplomacy. If not with them then I'll be there alongside them and people like them in some aspect. It's what I want to spend my life, literally if need be. I'm very passionate about the field and it took me 3-4 years before starting out to get there to fully understand that's what I wanted. The idea of that being taken away was horrifying, genuinely. I don't fear dying, that scared me, what I felt/feel is my life's work being ripped away? I couldn't process it.
 
I lost my speech for a week and even now I talk too quickly, before I managed to slow it down it was rapid, then when I made mistakes I would think I had a brain tumour, that I had muscle weakness in my cheeks etc. My stomach went to pieces over the coming weeks and months, the anxiety attack itself gave me IBS and has upped my acid production, I now suffer from acid far more and I've been hit by gastritis 3 times in a year. My attention span can be distracted quite easily and at its worse made studying anything pointless, I couldn't take things in. The worst was the muscle tension. As well as the obvious stomach issues I'd tense everything all day, create permanent aches and pains for weeks and not understand why. It was only every now and again I'd notice myself tensing my head (if you know what I mean?), my arms, legs, back, stomach. I'd permanently be fully tensed up which created pain, that in turn created fear. it was a self-fulfilling cycle.

It took a year of tests to understand what was going on with me, all the time of which anxiety mimicked MS symptoms. The pins and needles all over, the vision blur and so on. Very fortunately I don't have MS. I was diagnosed with benign essential tremor which creates its own problems but is absolutely nothing in comparison. In fact, at the rate my tremor has increased, it won't be a problem for me whatsoever until my late life, by which point there's medication to slow it. It's also dulled by alcohol so I have a medicinal reason to be drinking at any given time, a nice perk.

That was 3 years ago. I still get over the odds nerves before big events, I'll trip over my speech if I've not handled those nerves and I tense up without realising all the time (just writing this post I've given myself a headache, I didn't realise I was doing it) but otherwise I'm in total control of it. I understand the flares, I fight them with the logical counters and I'm lucky enough to not have my life affected by it. I deal with the nerves and I train myself to speak more effectively, I look at speech tutors and talks from impressive speakers to pick up their delivery, slow my own and so on.

The long term effects of IBS and the acid are highly annoying and definitely affect my enjoyment of food in life but I'm already coeliac, that had been ruined for me anyway so at this point my body is just flogging a dead horse in its attempt to spoil things for me.

I have to look after my partner frequently as she suffers from a number of mental health issues, all worse than mine and all requiring degrees of understanding. Anyone who looks after or is in a relationship somehow with someone with mental health knows that some days you're going to be snapped at, have to reassure them all night, to handle things when they're dazed and can't think, along with the scarier results of some illnesses. I'm grateful that these days I can do that, take that toll and deal with our other responsibilities without having to worry that I might panic myself. I'm very grateful that I reached that stage (and have stayed there) for two years now during very stressful home and career lives. I know that some people take years just to get our of the house or slow down their worst symptoms, I feel very lucky that I came through it for the better so quickly.

My tips for coping: Podcasts as others have said, nothing too taxing, I use XFM recordings of Gervais/Merchant/Pilkington and 6 Music recordings of Russell Howard and Jon Richardson. They're both excellent shows that require no thought, there's a ton of each on youtube, especially xfm. It's a distracting monologue, anywhere those are to be found is good. As others have also said, phone games or games that take a second to launch, three seconds to learn and you get lost. If you can still manage tactical games then fair play but I found engrossing myself in stats and numbers didn't work initially, even in my favourite genres. The Binding of Isaac helped me a ton, if you're a gamer who needs distraction, head for that. The biggest one is tied to these two and it's the need for an exit. You need to have your exit, however that exists. Need to get off a bus? Keep extra change in case you need to jump off for ten minutes and buy the trip again. Out in town? Find a taxi number, keep some cash back, have a friend in on it with an excuse. At work? Bathroom break, anything. If you have an out you don't need to fear a situation as you can leave it. Always try and have someone in on it, even if it means faking phone calls for a bit if you don't feel comfortable fully explaining why you're leaving a room etc.

If you do have mental health issues and you need somewhere to turn, tell a loved one, a boss or someone you respect. Sit them down and talk about it. The support, advice and general kind words you'll get from fellow sufferers often eclipse those of your local doctor. No-one is immune, I say that as one of the most self confident people I know, reduced to a shivering wreck by a bus trip aged 19 and rendered mute for a week by a Google page with a shaky right hand aged 23.

Nothing new to add. Just wanted to keep this thread prevalent on the forum .

its important that people share these feelings. I myself wake up some days and wonder what it's all worth. I then think about my family and friends, and all those who have no idea what im going through and how my actions could affect them. Its this mainly that prevents me from acting on my feelings knowing that the repurcussions are far greater than the issues that I'm facing. Its vital that you share how you feel, even if it's anonymous, because i truly believe that it helps if you share your problems and to air your frustrations - no matter how trivial you feel they may be. This thread is a solace for me peolpe like me to realise we are not alone and that together, we can be stronger.

Ok, here we go. 
I've typed this out a few times, then subsequently deleted it. 
I'm 29. From the outside I'm a strong, independent, fit, happy person. 
I'm not. 
I have everything. A brilliant, and I me a brilliant missus. A supportive family, a brilliant Dad, and a decent job. I go to the gym, I have friends etc.
However, when I wake up, I don't want to get up. I don't want to brush my teeth, again. I dont want to drive to work. I sit in my car and think about the awful 8 hours I have to endure. Its only Tuesday, how am I ever going to get through to Friday?  The same thing over and over again. The repetitve, pointless nature of life saps all energy from me. 
It's the pointlessness of life that gets to me the most. Everything seems so tedious, so painfully boring. 
I've been doing the gym for the last 5 years, and got jacked. But the pointless, repetitive lifting is not what I enjoy. I enjoy going to my garage, on my own, and being with myself in silence for 2 hours. No music, No noise. Just my thoughts. And It is then I find solace in my head. The questions of life disappear, the annoyance of other's actions and decisions become insignificant. But it will all be back in the morning.
I over-analyse, I over-think, and I struggle with day-to-day life. And only you lot know.  Which makes me wonder if this is a plea for help, or me deciding that this is the way I think, and I need to change it from now on. 
I'm not suicidal, but I know I feel deep, intense feelings of sadness. But they've gone by dinner time, because life isnt as bad as my head makes it out to be in the morning, at times.
Now to decide to hit the post button or not?

Room for another?
Was diagnosed with IBS today, one of those not really real new conditions they diagnose yet don't really know anything about it other than anxiety/stress is apparently why a lot of people have it.
Doesn't really surprise me, been a rough couple months. Quick back story, suffered from severe anxiety, was pre scribed anti depressants, told the doctor where to stick em, did it myself. Was fine for a couple years until August I go and swallow my partial denture.
Not going to lie, thought I was going to die at the time, couldn't breathe, full on choking. Had vivid dying nightmares, flashbacks the lot for a few weeks. Friends, family kind of laugh it off but honestly, really knocked me sideways.
Spent 2 weeks solid barely getting out of bed, stomach cramps, everything, I was a complete mess. Pulled myself around, got back out there and whilst my stomach was still causing issues it wasn't stopping me getting to games and the pub.
October went to see the doctor, still wasn't out, needed sorting, put a urgent colonoscopy referral in to the hospital that day, didn't get the appointment until the end of January.
Backtracking quickly, start of November ish I was getting pretty down with it, toilet visits all over the place, each time nothing there was another kick in the balls. By December pretty much distanced myself from the missus, mates and that, felt so low just wanted to curl up all day and sleep.
Mid December, asked the missus to pick up some sweets, sucking helps with anxiety, pro tip right there. Asked for sugar free, look after the old teeth and that. Didn't put 2+2 together but the toilet visits had become a bit violent which anxiety attacks followed, by now I was sofa ridden, hot water bottle on the stomach trying to ease the pain. 
Anyone with anxiety will tell you it's the not knowing that does you, with these toilet visits came blood, not every visit but one there was fair bit, with what I had swallowed major panic set in. Was pretty close to calling 999 first time ever
Late on Xmas day which was a complete write off on reaching for another box of these sweets I just out of boredom flipped the box around and saw the warning, too many of this will have a laxative effect. I laughed, almost cried, Googled them and loads of people were writing horror stories online about avoiding these things like the plague. Horror stories after one box, I was having a box or two a day for a week.
Stopped sucking them, straight in the bin.
Was slowly improving until the hospital letter arrived early January, date for my hospital visit, knocked me sideways again. Grimsby hospital is horrendous, getting a English speaking doctor that knows what he's doing is a needle in the haystack.
Whole of January I was nervous but excited, hate hospitals. Missed this out but since August the pain was that bad went to A&E a couple times and shown the door with a pat on the back, come back when you can't walk you're in that much pain and we'll know you've perforated your bowel, until then happy shitting. Cheers doc!
Couple days before the appointment, told myself not to do this but I googled the process, found you have laxatives before which having just experienced the laxative effect was not looking forward to. Also there was a list of what to eat before, clean food basically. My hospital letter mentioned none of this.
Appointment day came round, last Friday it was, by now this was maybe the second time being out the house since November, nervous as my anxiety before kept me in the house for a long time, wasn't sure what to expect.
Made it fine, waiting area was empty even better, just me and the missus there. 45 minutes later after my appointment was due we get called into a room right down the corridor, pretty far from the exit.
Pause my story here, I always like to suss out the nearest exit, the escape route. You know what I'm talking about fellow anxietyers, what makes us so "special".
Was a standard doctors room, no camera up bum equipment to be seen, explained my situation to him and requested we move to a room a little further up the corridor so I felt comfortable. Looked at me gone out, then asked me to leave if I'm here to waste his time.
Tried to explain further but it appeared to have never heard of anxiety before in his life. Told him where it stick his medical certificate and walked out, the nurse collared me before I could leave, pushed me into a side room and asked what had happened.
Fast forward, he moved down to a room closer, I resisted the urge to lamp him one and allowed him to examine me. There was never going to be a colonoscopy that day, just the initial examination, wants to do a MRI scan, now bare in mind my fears of being able to escape I told him there's no chance in getting me in that tube.
Nodded and said he wouldn't anyway until I go back to the doctors and sort my anxiety out. Until he's seen that I have on my records he won't put me through one.
Frustrating day pretty much, got home, had the big talk to the missus how if I have to go on tablets it won't feel like I've beat it, I was beating it, all because of this denture I'm 5 steps back. Took its toll on her these past few months, seen it destroy one relationship, didn't want it to destroy another so agreed to take anything the doctor prescribes.
Doctors appointment was today, best doctor I've ever seen, must have had 30/40 minutes with him, even understood my anxiety, let us go outside for fresh air when I felt a little trapped. Whole life story downloaded on to him, first anxiety attack the lot. 
Always had a fear of tablets made worse by swallowing the denture whilst having a multi vitamin, stopped me there and said I'm not prescribing you any tablets, instead referring me for CBT. 
Now I'm a bit of a dick when it comes to these things, my first bout of severe anxiety I read a lot, like 15 books on it. I know a lot. The first time they tried to put me through this I was educating the "therapist", I had 2 or 3 appointments and stopped as I felt like I should be charging her tuition fees.
Fresh out of Uni with her flashy degree having never experienced any anxiety or even panic attack in her life.
Problem I have is thinking clear, understanding this is nothing but anxiety. Putting into action what I know, not cures but methods that help you relax. I'm **** at it. Was kind of hoping for the magic pill but I know there isn't one that will fix it.
What the doctor did was kick a load of confidence back in me, could have been flirting but he could see I knew what was what, could see how much it means if you can beat this without medication. 
Bowel problems, all classic symptoms of IBS, no tests needed as the starting point came after swallowing the denture. Could prescribe something for the stomach spasms but until you sort the anxiety they will keep coming back. No magic cure for IBS it's treat the anxiety and stress. Peppermint oil apparently will help.
Walked out the doctors, felt good. Managed to stay out, haircut, shopping, round a mates. Normal day. Unthinkable just a few weeks ago where the only distance I moved was sofa to toilet. Was fearful the anxiety took hold, made me fearful of being out but nothing at all, was back to pre August David.
Task now which is hard whilst working from home but to keep getting out, even in pain getting out there if only to the corner shop. Feel like I've had a lucky escape, if it wasn't for the initial hospital appointment I may be still on the sofa having not moved.
Bowels still not great, constipated one day followed by a full empty the next, feeling bloated constantly and farting like a trooper, don't imagine that will change overnight, been rough for 6 months now. 
CBT appointment next week, don't want to do it, don't feel like it will help at all but I'm off, will stay open minded and be grateful the doctor didn't try and turn me into a zombie.
Skipping the MRI, probably not wise, that not knowing might keep eating away. Just feel like it's time to really try and forget it, stop worrying, worse happens call 999, they'll have it out that day and released the next.
Funny thing is it may already be out. 
Oh, it's not all bad, lost 2 stone in weight during all this, was becoming a bit of a fat **** so the timing was perfect, dodgy bowel made me cut the alcohol, slightly smaller portions, the extra bag of crisps cut out, looking a lot better. 12lb off target weight now. 
Anxiety is seriously no fun, don't think of us as weirdos, nutcases, we just like to worry and plan ahead. Daily tasks come laced with a what if, we cover all bases and make sure nothing can go wrong. Other than that we're normal folk, just trying to get by in our own little unique way

As we are a similar age this really resonated with me, the me of about 4 years ago. Some of the advice and understanding on here is remarkable.
The key thing I take is that knowledge and understanding that your feelings, your wellbeing is incredibly important. You have the right to feel the way you do. Your opinion, your view is as valid as anyone else's.
In some ways I love the routine, prevents me getting anxious about the what ifs but then I get easily bored if my mind isn't challenged. After first reading your post it made me think about my job and know that I pretty much sleepwalk through it, ticking down the hours. But eventually i will find that happy balance where work challenges but not enough to charge up the anxiety.
I also find i have stopped being so self critical about my day to day choices, that feel of failure has lessened. You can make your life whatever you want to be(within reason) but i feel society, people, the media, all expect us to be that same idealised character. We aren't all the same and who wants to be anyway.
Enjoy your quiet time, enjoy the time to be you how you want to be.

There's some big hearts and good souls hidden in these pages mate.
Keep us posted on how you're going.

I am so astounded by the time taken by complete strangers to read my post, and write such eloquent, helpful replies. 
I would just like to say thanks for the brilliant responses. Genuine thanks.
I'm sure some of these responses will be of huge help, not just to myself, but those lurking or who already post. 
I don't know what else to say. I'm stunned. Thank you.

I am so astounded by the time taken by complete strangers to read my post, and write such eloquent, helpful replies. 
I would just like to say thanks for the brilliant responses. Genuine thanks.
I'm sure some of these responses will be of huge help, not just to myself, but those lurking or who already post. 
I don't know what else to say. I'm stunned. Thank you.

I am so astounded by the time taken by complete strangers to read my post, and write such eloquent, helpful replies. 
I would just like to say thanks for the brilliant responses. Genuine thanks.
I'm sure some of these responses will be of huge help, not just to myself, but those lurking or who already post. 
I don't know what else to say. I'm stunned. Thank you.

I am so astounded by the time taken by complete strangers to read my post, and write such eloquent, helpful replies. 
I would just like to say thanks for the brilliant responses. Genuine thanks.
I'm sure some of these responses will be of huge help, not just to myself, but those lurking or who already post. 
I don't know what else to say. I'm stunned. Thank you.

I am so astounded by the time taken by complete strangers to read my post, and write such eloquent, helpful replies. 
I would just like to say thanks for the brilliant responses. Genuine thanks.
I'm sure some of these responses will be of huge help, not just to myself, but those lurking or who already post. 
I don't know what else to say. I'm stunned. Thank you.

Ok, here we go. 
I've typed this out a few times, then subsequently deleted it. 
I'm 29. From the outside I'm a strong, independent, fit, happy person. 
I'm not. 
I have everything. A brilliant, and I me a brilliant missus. A supportive family, a brilliant Dad, and a decent job. I go to the gym, I have friends etc.
However, when I wake up, I don't want to get up. I don't want to brush my teeth, again. I dont want to drive to work. I sit in my car and think about the awful 8 hours I have to endure. Its only Tuesday, how am I ever going to get through to Friday?  The same thing over and over again. The repetitve, pointless nature of life saps all energy from me. 
It's the pointlessness of life that gets to me the most. Everything seems so tedious, so painfully boring. 
I've been doing the gym for the last 5 years, and got jacked. But the pointless, repetitive lifting is not what I enjoy. I enjoy going to my garage, on my own, and being with myself in silence for 2 hours. No music, No noise. Just my thoughts. And It is then I find solace in my head. The questions of life disappear, the annoyance of other's actions and decisions become insignificant. But it will all be back in the morning.
I over-analyse, I over-think, and I struggle with day-to-day life. And only you lot know.  Which makes me wonder if this is a plea for help, or me deciding that this is the way I think, and I need to change it from now on. 
I'm not suicidal, but I know I feel deep, intense feelings of sadness. But they've gone by dinner time, because life isnt as bad as my head makes it out to be in the morning, at times.
Now to decide to hit the post button or not?

I am so astounded by the time taken by complete strangers to read my post, and write such eloquent, helpful replies. 
I would just like to say thanks for the brilliant responses. Genuine thanks.
I'm sure some of these responses will be of huge help, not just to myself, but those lurking or who already post. 
I don't know what else to say. I'm stunned. Thank you.

I am so astounded by the time taken by complete strangers to read my post, and write such eloquent, helpful replies. 
I would just like to say thanks for the brilliant responses. Genuine thanks.
I'm sure some of these responses will be of huge help, not just to myself, but those lurking or who already post. 
I don't know what else to say. I'm stunned. Thank you.

I am so astounded by the time taken by complete strangers to read my post, and write such eloquent, helpful replies. 
I would just like to say thanks for the brilliant responses. Genuine thanks.
I'm sure some of these responses will be of huge help, not just to myself, but those lurking or who already post. 
I don't know what else to say. I'm stunned. Thank you.

@Norman not sure if you realise it, but your post has probably given everyone involved in this thread, and maybe some lurkers who have yet to post, a bit of a boost.
Not because of your sadness or situation, but because it's had a positive effect. You may not notice straight away, but just posting it, and seeing it written down will improve your thinking. Awareness is a big part of some sort of recovery/coping process.
More positive than that is that people feeling similar will have related, and read the very excellent responses you have, especially the amazing post written by @ilkleyram. 
If this thread has taught us anything, it's that nobody, whilst feeling alone, is alone in feeling overwhelming levels of sadness and other bad or negative feelings.
I triggered this thread, and I feel very proud that I opened something up that people felt comfortable enough to bare their souls in, and I know a lot of people have helped each other. It's probably my 2nd best achievement, (the best being the time I farted in the gym showers and a soap bubble floated from my arse towards a passing steroid freak  ).
Above all, NEVER feel ashamed, embarrassed or apologetic about your feelings, as has been said, YOU are important to you, and you probably don't realise how important you are to others. Never feel that coping is beyond you either.
Good luck from fellow strugglers of all levels x