King Kevin

Think you have lived to be 75 and know who you are, then along comes someone and blows it all to the dickens...


An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.
As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.

She turned to the cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy.'

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'

Think you have lived to be 75 and know who you are, then along comes someone and blows it all to the dickens...


An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.
As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.

She turned to the cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy.'

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'

Got it..
 

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost
 

 
 
He reduced altitude and spotted a man below. He descended a bit more and shouted:  'Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am.' 
 

The man below replied, 'You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude.'  
 

 
 
'You must be an Engineer,' said the balloonist. 

 'I am,' replied the man, 'how did you know?' 

'Well,' answered the balloonist, 'everything you have told me is probably technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is, I'm still lost.
 
Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip by your talk.' 

The man below responded, 'You must be in Management.' 

'I am,' replied the balloonist, 'but how did you know?' 

'Well,' said the man, 'you don't know where you are or where you're going. 
 
You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air.
 
You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems.
 
The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my ducking fault.'
 

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost
 

 
 
He reduced altitude and spotted a man below. He descended a bit more and shouted:  'Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am.' 
 

The man below replied, 'You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude.'  
 

 
 
'You must be an Engineer,' said the balloonist. 

 'I am,' replied the man, 'how did you know?' 

'Well,' answered the balloonist, 'everything you have told me is probably technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is, I'm still lost.
 
Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip by your talk.' 

The man below responded, 'You must be in Management.' 

'I am,' replied the balloonist, 'but how did you know?' 

'Well,' said the man, 'you don't know where you are or where you're going. 
 
You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air.
 
You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems.
 
The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my ducking fault.'
 

I refuse to deal in metric ,if I go in a D.IY. store I insist they talk to me in  feet and inches .Don't they realise we won the war.


 
Computer Logic

A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.'
'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'

A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'�
�
Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. �
�
Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.
�
The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.


�
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el computador'), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won.

Sorry mate I'll keep this short ,he's no mate he's a nob .You sound a decent normal guy try not to forget that. What you have described is quite prevalent in the sales environment .


 
Computer Logic

A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.'
'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'

A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'�
�
Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. �
�
Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.
�
The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.


�
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el computador'), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won.


 
Computer Logic

A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.'
'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'

A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'�
�
Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. �
�
Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.
�
The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.


�
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el computador'), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won.


 
Computer Logic

A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.'
'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'

A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'�
�
Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. �
�
Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.
�
The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.


�
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el computador'), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won.

Volume 1 of 20

With great satisfaction we inform you that the first volume of "Basic Introductory Manual to Understanding Women" is now available. 

With great satisfaction we inform you that the first volume of "Basic Introductory Manual to Understanding Women" is now available. 

With great satisfaction we inform you that the first volume of "Basic Introductory Manual to Understanding Women" is now available. 

Pretty much every joke will offend, upset, or "disappoint" someone, somewhere.  That's the nature of the beast!
... And talking of beast... Even some avatars promoting bestiality could offend/upset/disappoint someone who isn't that way inclined!  ...And before you ask, no, I don't mean me!  In fact I find your avatar somewhat alluring, myself!  She's a looker, that's for sure!
 
Heat... kitchen... exit door...
 

I imagine that was the name of the job applicant

I jumped into a London cab and said 'Waterloo please'
He said 'the Station?'
I replied 'Well I'm a bit fooking late for the battle' 

DonaldTrump has a heart attack and dies. He goes to Hell where the Devil is waiting for him. 

"I don't know what to do," says the Devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves." 
DonaldTrump thought that sounded pretty good so he agreed. 

The devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed over and over and over, such was his fate in Hell. 
"No!" DonaldTrump said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long." 

The Devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. 
"No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!" commented DonaldTrump. 

The Devil opened a third door. In it, DonaldTrump saw Bill Clinton lying naked on the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs staked in spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. 

DonaldTrump looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this." 

The Devil smiled and said, "Monica, you're free to go!"

DonaldTrump has a heart attack and dies. He goes to Hell where the Devil is waiting for him. 

"I don't know what to do," says the Devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves." 
DonaldTrump thought that sounded pretty good so he agreed. 

The devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed over and over and over, such was his fate in Hell. 
"No!" DonaldTrump said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long." 

The Devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. 
"No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!" commented DonaldTrump. 

The Devil opened a third door. In it, DonaldTrump saw Bill Clinton lying naked on the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs staked in spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. 

DonaldTrump looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this." 

The Devil smiled and said, "Monica, you're free to go!"

DonaldTrump has a heart attack and dies. He goes to Hell where the Devil is waiting for him. 

"I don't know what to do," says the Devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves." 
DonaldTrump thought that sounded pretty good so he agreed. 

The devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed over and over and over, such was his fate in Hell. 
"No!" DonaldTrump said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long." 

The Devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. 
"No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!" commented DonaldTrump. 

The Devil opened a third door. In it, DonaldTrump saw Bill Clinton lying naked on the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs staked in spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. 

DonaldTrump looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this." 

The Devil smiled and said, "Monica, you're free to go!"

DonaldTrump has a heart attack and dies. He goes to Hell where the Devil is waiting for him. 

"I don't know what to do," says the Devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves." 
DonaldTrump thought that sounded pretty good so he agreed. 

The devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed over and over and over, such was his fate in Hell. 
"No!" DonaldTrump said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long." 

The Devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. 
"No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!" commented DonaldTrump. 

The Devil opened a third door. In it, DonaldTrump saw Bill Clinton lying naked on the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs staked in spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. 

DonaldTrump looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this." 

The Devil smiled and said, "Monica, you're free to go!"

DonaldTrump has a heart attack and dies. He goes to Hell where the Devil is waiting for him. 

"I don't know what to do," says the Devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves." 
DonaldTrump thought that sounded pretty good so he agreed. 

The devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed over and over and over, such was his fate in Hell. 
"No!" DonaldTrump said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long." 

The Devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. 
"No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!" commented DonaldTrump. 

The Devil opened a third door. In it, DonaldTrump saw Bill Clinton lying naked on the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs staked in spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. 

DonaldTrump looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this." 

The Devil smiled and said, "Monica, you're free to go!"