AmericanRam

A man gets pulled over for speeding.
 
The police officer approaches the drivers door.
"Is there a problem, Officer?"
The officer says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your license please?"
The driver responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."
"You don't have one?"
The man responds, "I lost it four times for drunk driving."
The officer is shocked. "I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?"
"I'm sorry, I can't do that."
The officer says, "Why not?"
"I stole this car."
The officer says, "Stole it?"
The man says, "Yes, and I killed the owner."
At this point the officer is getting irate. "You what?"
"She's in the trunk if you want to see."
The officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. Another officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half-drawn gun.
This officer says, "Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!"
The man steps out of his vehicle. "Is there a problem, sir?"
"One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner."
"Murdered the owner?"
The officer responds, "Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car please?"
The man opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
The officer says, "Is this your car sir?"
The man says, "Yes" and hands over the registration papers.
The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. "One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license."
The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled. "Thank you, sir. One of my officers told me you didn't have a license, stole this car, and murdered the owner."
The man replies, "I bet you the lying ******* told you I was speeding, too!"

Sad news today. After years of medical training and hard work, a mate of mine has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients so can no longer work in the profession. What a waste of time and effort. A genuinely nice guy, and a brilliant vet.

Chinese takeout $12

Gas to pick it up $3

Getting home to discover the ******** have forgot to put one of the containers in...

Riceless.

Chinese takeout $12

Gas to pick it up $3

Getting home to discover the ******** have forgot to put one of the containers in...

Riceless.

Chinese takeout $12

Gas to pick it up $3

Getting home to discover the ******** have forgot to put one of the containers in...

Riceless.

A horse is in the pub having a few drinks when spots a donkey in the corner, so he nips over to have a natter. The donkey asks "What did you do for a living?”  Horse says " I ran on the flat in the summer and over the jumps in the winter". The donkey says "I worked with the kids on blackpool beach". Then he asks "Did you win anything?” The horse says "Yeah, on the flat I won the Oaks, St. Leger and the Derby and over the jumps I won the Grand National and the Gold Cup”.
They arrange to meet at the donkey's house a week later. The donkey thinks, "I need to impress this guy he's done everything" , so he buys a big picture of a zebra and hangs it above the fireplace. The horse arrives and says "Lovely place you have here and who's that in the picture on the wall?” The donkey replies " That’s me when I played for Juventus!”

Couldn't remember the Roman numerals for 51, 6 and 500.

Livid.

Couldn't remember the Roman numerals for 51, 6 and 500.

Livid.

Couldn't remember the Roman numerals for 51, 6 and 500.

Livid.

Couldn't remember the Roman numerals for 51, 6 and 500.

Livid.

Couldn't remember the Roman numerals for 51, 6 and 500.

Livid.

Couldn't remember the Roman numerals for 51, 6 and 500.

Livid.

Couldn't remember the Roman numerals for 51, 6 and 500.

Livid.

I just got back from a friends funeral who sadly drowned a few days ago.
 
I took a lot of abuse for my floral tribute that was in the shape of a life jacket.
 
But as I said to everyone at the service, It’s what he would've wanted.

Did you say “fried gator” and make it snappy?

Pretty sure it’s a first for gator in the thread?

Tempted to say it looks a croc of **** but it looks very good. Would like to try that.

When people leave their dogs chained up outside with how cold it is and no cover/heat source at all. Makes my blood boil that does.
 

When people leave their dogs chained up outside with how cold it is and no cover/heat source at all. Makes my blood boil that does.
 

Fried Gator and cajun fries. ?

Fried Gator and cajun fries. ?

When co-workers don't clean up after themselves in the break room.Damn crumbs all over the place, microwave disgusting, etc.
Just common decency to do so.

When co-workers don't clean up after themselves in the break room.Damn crumbs all over the place, microwave disgusting, etc.
Just common decency to do so.

When co-workers don't clean up after themselves in the break room.Damn crumbs all over the place, microwave disgusting, etc.
Just common decency to do so.

I just got back from a friends funeral who sadly drowned a few days ago.
 
I took a lot of abuse for my floral tribute that was in the shape of a life jacket.
 
But as I said to everyone at the service, It’s what he would've wanted.