ketteringram

People taking pictures on iPads.
As someone with a passion for photography, a little piece of me dies everytime.

Modern poetry, God
I hate that
And having no milk.
 
There ya go, turned it into a haiku (I think). Proper culture that is.

It's not something that happens very often, but every time I need to write and post a letter, I seem to need to buy a new pack of envelopes. Every single time. 

It's not something that happens very often, but every time I need to write and post a letter, I seem to need to buy a new pack of envelopes. Every single time. 

Just checking in...been a lot better lately but for some reason tonight something flipped a switch and it all came flooding back. All the negativity and misery consumed me for a good half hour/hour and I did something I'm not proud of. I immediately regretted it - hence why I now find myself here.
Aside from that I actually found something that massively helped me lately and that was painting (art not decorating lol). I'm a keen artist and haven't picked up a brush in a couple of years but its fair to say that doing so saved me in many respects. It offered me an escape - somewhere I could totally forget about my troubles and focus on one thing only. Ironically the picture I decided to paint bears a lot of meaning to the causes of my depression but I really feel that it has provided a massive release for me. I have found the whole process of doing this hugely cathartic but honestly feel it has helped and that's where I realise it could help others too. 
I'm not saying that painting is the cure to everyone's problems - but I feel like doing something you truly love and can set your mind to (especially something you love, but haven't had the time to do) can really help lift you up a little. Maybe its writing a song or making music - whatever you find best or you really enjoy. My only advice would be to do that. For me it has helped me express my sadness, the painting feels like a physical embodiment/representation of my issues and that now I've flushed them out onto the canvas, I can maybe get rid of them in some way. Like I say - this may not be for everyone but doing something like this can really help. 
I hope you're all doing as well as possible, LboroRAM x

It annoys me...... When I go to open a door that opens towards me, and someone on the other side opens it at the same time, unknowingly smashing the handle into my hand. It's not that which annoys me as such. It's that I then always seem to apologise to the other person! 

It annoys me...... When I go to open a door that opens towards me, and someone on the other side opens it at the same time, unknowingly smashing the handle into my hand. It's not that which annoys me as such. It's that I then always seem to apologise to the other person! 

It annoys me...... When I go to open a door that opens towards me, and someone on the other side opens it at the same time, unknowingly smashing the handle into my hand. It's not that which annoys me as such. It's that I then always seem to apologise to the other person! 

@David 
Don't mock this, but I think you'd see a big improvement by going gluten free for a month. If it makes no difference, so be it. Life changer for my Mrs though! 

After nearly 25 years of working since I was 16 I have only 2 maybe 3 close friends who know all about me and my issues despite them not having them. So all those people I've come into contact with and got to know over a near 25 year working life at various places, there are only 3 max who I have had an affinity with or who have the minimal number of things I hate so it is enough to form a long standing friendship.
As I am on the autistic spectrum I judge people by my standards and I accept that is and sounds wrong but it's the way I function. For example, my cousin hunts animals and I abhorr that. Other than that he seems a decent enough bloke but because that one aspect of his behaviour is at total odds to mine I have no desire to speak further with him or get to know him.
You can see how limiting this way of functioning around people is in terms of trying to make new friends. I accept that there probably isn't another person on the planet that likes and dislikes the same things I do therefore a perfect match is never going to happen so I do have some leeway.
My joint best friend loves boxing and UFC and all that and I find it a tiresome bravado of masculinity and cannot for the life of me understand the attraction.
For me it is all the pathetic showing off and fronting up pre match that i find sickening. If there was a boxer who was just out there keeping quiet, going about his business and treating his art with the respect all these showmen try to command then I haven't a problem but it's the embarrassing circus of grown men trying to prove how hard they are to protect their masculinity and sell fights. Their love for boxing as a priority doesn't exist.
So as I have extremely strong opinions on anything and everything I judge people perhaps unfairly. With my views on boxing I am surprised we are best friends. We however have a deep shared love of metal / alternative music and we hold deep thinking conversations about anything from food based pesticides to whether or not David icke was right after all.
We don't spend all our time playing with our phones and posting inane trash on facebook.
So I do go out with people I know but the anxiety is still there. I still have to have the end seats or cannot ever relax. I'm vigilant all the time. For what I just don't know. I'm just prepared for a situation and now it's like the social event I go to is like a trial. Something that must be overcome rather than something I can enjoy. Just think back to how you felt when going for a particular job interview for a job you really really wanted. I feel like that the whole time I am out of my comfort zone.
I'm sat down at PP and everyone around me is engrossed in the match. I'm enjoying it too but I'm always fully aware of others around me and tuned in to my feelings and thoughts constantly. The only time my brain isn't working overtime is when I'm asleep.
I am worst on my own. To think I used to drive the lengths and breadths of the country supporting York , often staying over in hotels in my own. Now I would struggle to drive anywhere more than an hour or so away on my own.
It's also people I don't know that causes problems. I think I've given up on getting to know people as to do so properly I would have to reveal my issues in order for me to be honest and comfortable. Most of the time I put on an act and get by with people for brief periods and get relief when I'm away from them. Like taking my kid to school. I go, chat politely and friendly to the mums and dads I've gradually become known to and they have no idea I'm a wreck inside or just crying out to act like I would normally if I was with real friends. You make the pleasant small talk and get back in your car and breathe.
Crowds are bad for me too so going to PP has been a real learning curve, a battle and one which I'm not sure I'm winning tbh. There is just hustle and bustle and people everywhere, noise, the closeness in proximity that I am to others in the stands stifles me. Can't stadium designers give you more space!!
I just count myself lucky to have made the key friends i did when I was younger when i wasn't as bad and also met my partner and had my kid.
Up to my 30's I wasn't half as affected as I am now so had a reasonably good time of it. I read of teenagers suffering as bad if not worse and they have got all their young lives in front of them with this nightmare. I can consider myself fortunate.
One final thing. Festivals. My absolute worst nightmare! So much love live music but the stress of the whole event would be something I'd have no chance of containing.

@Alex W @Tony Le Mesmer and others..... 
Regarding the social anxiety stuff. For you, is it mainly when there are going to be a lot of people who you don't know? Can you go out with two or three people you do know, as long as you have an out?? 
Mine is almost the opposite. I need, and will check for the out. My seat is end of aisle, right next to steps. If it wasn't, I wouldn't be going to games! I book cinema tickets etc, the same. 
But going out, for me, seems different to what most describe in here. It's something that I simply don't do. Now I know that's the easy way out, avoidance. But I could go to anything, however big, on my own. I don't bother, but I could. As long as I don't know anyone there. If there are going to be people there I know, then I won't be there. Probably somewhere between 15 and 20 years since I did that sort of thing. I have no idea what triggered it. 

I'm at work right now but due to handing my role over to someone else I've got literally nothing to do for the next four hours so thought I'd share my experience in the hope it helps anyone at all.
 
Much like David and several people here, I suffer from anxiety. Bit of a backstory, I had it in my teens and wasn't sure what it was, I would experience that stomach gnawing fear at random situations that I couldn't understand at the time. I would become terrified at the idea of eating in front of people outside of my family. I was terrified of buses, I wasn't diving into buses as the 5:43 to Ripley rolled by but the idea of being on one made me feel horribly sick. I also had the classic social anxiety for major events, I could be out with friends doing whatever and be quite happy but roll up a big party that I wasn't sure of the location/exits of and my stomach couldn't handle it, particularly going up town on a night. I understand now that it was a social anxiety revolving around a lack of control, the fear of being sick especially worried me which caused the bus and eating fear, I couldn't create an exit for these situations and so my brain couldn't cope.
 
I missed out on a lot in my teens and I'm frustrated to not have challenged it more at the time. I did challenge it, I had to get on buses for the princes trust meetings I had six years ago, I tried to eat in any situation that set me off and I went out wherever I could manage it. Sometimes it was a success, others I looked so pale and shakey that people thought I was legitimately ill, ironically giving me an exit and stopping any real embarrassment.
 
I dealt with that myself and managed to generally beat it, or so I thought. At the end of 2014 I suffered a massive anxiety attack that put me in bed for a week and took away my ability to speak for days. I was locked in my own head with a level of fear I've never had before and don't wish to experience again. It was caused by my health and created a spiral of health anxiety which continues in a very lower level to this day, though now I do have it under lock and key most of the time.

I tremor. when I turn my hands they shake, I've generally got an almost imperceptible shake to my hands when they act that you won't notice unless you focus on it or I stress it in some way. This goes for my legs, joints and back too. I worked as a Poker Dealer for over six months and the focus you have on your hands in that line of work, and the focus others have on your hands, raised a few comments at how 'nervous' I must be etc when I was quite calm and happy. I started to notice it too and kept an eye on it. Unfortunately I decided to google it one morning when I was pouring milk into a cup of tea and couldn't keep the bottle steady. I took one look at the 3 causes of tremor and what I can only describe as a hammer blow came down on my senses. It was sheer panic.

The only three causes of action tremor like mine, unless it's a minute chance of some rare and wonderful tropical disease, are a benign tremor, MS or MND. I either had a tremor that may advance in difficulty over life very slowly or quickly (no bother), I had MS and my career which I'd just spent 2 years running towards would be over, I'd be in a wheelchair in ten years. Or the ever fun MND/ALS. I'd be dead within 5.

Metaphorically speaking, I **** it. I absolutely **** it.

I basically collapsed onto my girlfriend's bed. I lay there shaking and had to be talked round from inside my head over 3 hours as I played over the fear of losing everything I had. I've mentioned it once or twice but just shy of four years ago I realised what I wanted to do with my life was to work alongside the UN Peacekeepers, off saving the world with logistics and diplomacy. If not with them then I'll be there alongside them and people like them in some aspect. It's what I want to spend my life, literally if need be. I'm very passionate about the field and it took me 3-4 years before starting out to get there to fully understand that's what I wanted. The idea of that being taken away was horrifying, genuinely. I don't fear dying, that scared me, what I felt/feel is my life's work being ripped away? I couldn't process it.
 
I lost my speech for a week and even now I talk too quickly, before I managed to slow it down it was rapid, then when I made mistakes I would think I had a brain tumour, that I had muscle weakness in my cheeks etc. My stomach went to pieces over the coming weeks and months, the anxiety attack itself gave me IBS and has upped my acid production, I now suffer from acid far more and I've been hit by gastritis 3 times in a year. My attention span can be distracted quite easily and at its worse made studying anything pointless, I couldn't take things in. The worst was the muscle tension. As well as the obvious stomach issues I'd tense everything all day, create permanent aches and pains for weeks and not understand why. It was only every now and again I'd notice myself tensing my head (if you know what I mean?), my arms, legs, back, stomach. I'd permanently be fully tensed up which created pain, that in turn created fear. it was a self-fulfilling cycle.

It took a year of tests to understand what was going on with me, all the time of which anxiety mimicked MS symptoms. The pins and needles all over, the vision blur and so on. Very fortunately I don't have MS. I was diagnosed with benign essential tremor which creates its own problems but is absolutely nothing in comparison. In fact, at the rate my tremor has increased, it won't be a problem for me whatsoever until my late life, by which point there's medication to slow it. It's also dulled by alcohol so I have a medicinal reason to be drinking at any given time, a nice perk.

That was 3 years ago. I still get over the odds nerves before big events, I'll trip over my speech if I've not handled those nerves and I tense up without realising all the time (just writing this post I've given myself a headache, I didn't realise I was doing it) but otherwise I'm in total control of it. I understand the flares, I fight them with the logical counters and I'm lucky enough to not have my life affected by it. I deal with the nerves and I train myself to speak more effectively, I look at speech tutors and talks from impressive speakers to pick up their delivery, slow my own and so on.

The long term effects of IBS and the acid are highly annoying and definitely affect my enjoyment of food in life but I'm already coeliac, that had been ruined for me anyway so at this point my body is just flogging a dead horse in its attempt to spoil things for me.

I have to look after my partner frequently as she suffers from a number of mental health issues, all worse than mine and all requiring degrees of understanding. Anyone who looks after or is in a relationship somehow with someone with mental health knows that some days you're going to be snapped at, have to reassure them all night, to handle things when they're dazed and can't think, along with the scarier results of some illnesses. I'm grateful that these days I can do that, take that toll and deal with our other responsibilities without having to worry that I might panic myself. I'm very grateful that I reached that stage (and have stayed there) for two years now during very stressful home and career lives. I know that some people take years just to get our of the house or slow down their worst symptoms, I feel very lucky that I came through it for the better so quickly.

My tips for coping: Podcasts as others have said, nothing too taxing, I use XFM recordings of Gervais/Merchant/Pilkington and 6 Music recordings of Russell Howard and Jon Richardson. They're both excellent shows that require no thought, there's a ton of each on youtube, especially xfm. It's a distracting monologue, anywhere those are to be found is good. As others have also said, phone games or games that take a second to launch, three seconds to learn and you get lost. If you can still manage tactical games then fair play but I found engrossing myself in stats and numbers didn't work initially, even in my favourite genres. The Binding of Isaac helped me a ton, if you're a gamer who needs distraction, head for that. The biggest one is tied to these two and it's the need for an exit. You need to have your exit, however that exists. Need to get off a bus? Keep extra change in case you need to jump off for ten minutes and buy the trip again. Out in town? Find a taxi number, keep some cash back, have a friend in on it with an excuse. At work? Bathroom break, anything. If you have an out you don't need to fear a situation as you can leave it. Always try and have someone in on it, even if it means faking phone calls for a bit if you don't feel comfortable fully explaining why you're leaving a room etc.

If you do have mental health issues and you need somewhere to turn, tell a loved one, a boss or someone you respect. Sit them down and talk about it. The support, advice and general kind words you'll get from fellow sufferers often eclipse those of your local doctor. No-one is immune, I say that as one of the most self confident people I know, reduced to a shivering wreck by a bus trip aged 19 and rendered mute for a week by a Google page with a shaky right hand aged 23.

That doesn't even rhyme. 

So that's where Butterfield was! 

Best way to stop anxiety? Keep busy, don't give your brain chance to wonder as once it's started walking it can be a real ******* to stop. Everyone is different so not all methods are take away advice for everyone. 
If I was to describe it non sufferers, its like having two voices in your head, one saying that pain is your denture, the other telling him to shut the **** up. The tosser usually wins as he's got the louder voice.
For me what works is several things, one is podcasts, having another voice in the room, increase the volume so it's the loudest. If that fails, music, anything that you can sing along to in your head.
Mobile phone games are also great, anything that needs fast reflexes and concentration. It's all about stimulating the brain.
Way back when my anxiety attacks could last for 5 hours or more, they would leave me so drained I could barely lift my head. Now I can turn them around in under an hour, half hour most times.
Hasnt been so much the anxiety this time, the stomach, pains are real, the stress ***** with your digestive system completely. 
Dont feel brave for posting any of this, I don't really feel like it helps me either tbh as I'm past that stage, being able to talk openly no longer gives me relief as I don't bottle anything up anymore. Stick me in a room with anyone and I'll chew your ear off on mental health. Really is an area where the NHS needs more funding for mental health support. Could go into another long rant on that but I won't.
That might come across as arrogant and I really don't mean to, talking is the best thing you can do, even if it's strangers. Opening up and being honest is big thing, opening up to close friends and family is massive and I urge anyone on here struggling that hasn't, do it. 
It won't cure it, that's not the magic stop button and even having that support network in place you are still capable of anxiety striking again but having those around you understanding how you're feeling helps a lot.
Beware, not everyone will understand and you have to understand that as well. Can be frustrating having close friends and family tell you to man up. My Dad did the same to me, what would you do if the war started and you had to fight for your country. Never forget that.
As a long time sufferer I remember what I was like before I started to learn about anxiety, thought I was the only person in the world that feels like this, nobody understands, when you realise many people are going through the same, maybe not as severe it makes you feel a little more normal. 
Just here to check in, friendly reminder you're not the only ones out there worrying about **** and putting my gut out there as a don't let this happen to you.

I am so astounded by the time taken by complete strangers to read my post, and write such eloquent, helpful replies. 
I would just like to say thanks for the brilliant responses. Genuine thanks.
I'm sure some of these responses will be of huge help, not just to myself, but those lurking or who already post. 
I don't know what else to say. I'm stunned. Thank you.

@Norman not sure if you realise it, but your post has probably given everyone involved in this thread, and maybe some lurkers who have yet to post, a bit of a boost.
Not because of your sadness or situation, but because it's had a positive effect. You may not notice straight away, but just posting it, and seeing it written down will improve your thinking. Awareness is a big part of some sort of recovery/coping process.
More positive than that is that people feeling similar will have related, and read the very excellent responses you have, especially the amazing post written by @ilkleyram. 
If this thread has taught us anything, it's that nobody, whilst feeling alone, is alone in feeling overwhelming levels of sadness and other bad or negative feelings.
I triggered this thread, and I feel very proud that I opened something up that people felt comfortable enough to bare their souls in, and I know a lot of people have helped each other. It's probably my 2nd best achievement, (the best being the time I farted in the gym showers and a soap bubble floated from my arse towards a passing steroid freak  ).
Above all, NEVER feel ashamed, embarrassed or apologetic about your feelings, as has been said, YOU are important to you, and you probably don't realise how important you are to others. Never feel that coping is beyond you either.
Good luck from fellow strugglers of all levels x

It has taken me many years to realise that I'm important to me.
As posted above, by @ilkleyram 
Whatever you take from the responses  here, make sure that one gets into your head. @Norman

It has taken me many years to realise that I'm important to me.
As posted above, by @ilkleyram 
Whatever you take from the responses  here, make sure that one gets into your head. @Norman

Hi Norman
I'm just over twice your age but just like you I am hesitating about whether to press the send button or not because I am in no way qualified to express an opinion about you or what you describe - I don't know you or your circumstances or the people around you. I do know however how courageous you and Loughborough and Tony and everyone else is on this thread who are sharing their innermost feelings to a bunch of strangers on a forum. I come from a generation and a family who largely don't do that. So thank you for pressing send. Your way is much better than my way.
 The bad news is that one of the things that I have learnt over the years is that life is repetitive and routine. Each of us take the same journeys, do the same jobs, follow the same football team, go to the same way to matches, eat the same food, go to the same pub, drink the same beer, shop in the same shops, listen to the same music, watch the same films, develop particular interests, do similar things day in day out. Every day, every week, every month and at certain times, every year. Life is routine whether you are the most glamorous person you can think of, or whether you're me. That's life.
But
Life is not pointless. You have a brilliant missus and a great dad. They probably think the same about you. That's not pointless, that's important. You have a decent job. That's not pointless. Whatever it is that you do you will be interacting with others - colleagues, customers, suppliers - people you affect through whatever it is you do. People who will be grateful for what you do and how you do it. That's not pointless, that's important. You have friends. They're friends because they care about you. That's not pointless, that's something to be valued and nurtured. It's important.
And, it seems to me that you have some of the answers that you might be looking for. What's wrong with being in your garage for two hours in silence? I walk on Ilkley Moor every day with my dogs. I talk to them but mainly I talk to myself. I don't want anyone else with me. I want to be on my own. What's wrong with that? It does me good. Be kind to yourself and do what makes you feel good, never mind what you think anyone else might think. It has taken me many years to realise that I'm important to me.
But you also say that you struggle with day to day life and that you feel intense feelings of sadness and we are the only ones who know, and you hit the send button. I'm not qualified to help you, but you know what, if one of my friends said those things to me I would say find some help, someone who is qualified to assist - a GP, a counsellor, a friend. Not because what you are feeling and doing is pointless or wrong, but because you are important.
Good luck.

Norman.
That must have taken some courage.
I read with great interest and most of the things you said resonate with me. It may help you to know that I am not depressed. I just have a really over analytical bluntness about everything in life that most people cannot understand.
Exactly like you said. I think differently to mainstream people and i get intense sadness and desolate feelings despite having a partner and kid. I am not on the same wavelength as most people i meet despite me being friendly and sociable and this could be the answer for you. Obviously I'm not a doctor or anything and I urge you to go to your GP if you feel that your issues are causing distress.
We are not all the same. It's ok to feel and think differently.
Best of luck.

You use whatever coping method you need. Yours seems fine to me, but I'm hardly the best person to judge it!

You use whatever coping method you need. Yours seems fine to me, but I'm hardly the best person to judge it!

I've kept away from posting on this thread for about 9 months but I always read the new posts with interest. Its such an amazing thread with cyber strangers opening up about their fears and life problems, uniquely heartwarming I find it - and proof that a lot of us 'normal' folk do have issues that feel good to share once the courage has been raised to do so. 
With the talk being about therapy I thought I'd add my positive experience to maybe help persuade anybody thinking about it to take the plunge and go for it.  
I went through counseling for PTSD, some of it was with the NHS and the bulk of it privately (i was fortunate enough to have it funded through insurance). They both helped, but in my experience the private therapy was more focused on my requirements. 
Its good to talk to a stranger, let it all out, they won't judge you, they will see the root cause of your problem and offer practical self help to resolve it. There is no magic wand, you've got to want to overcome your issue and have some determination to succeed. Experienced therapist's will have probably come across your problem with other patients and have numerous techniques to help you overcome them. The CBT helped for me, its a circular way of addressing your issues and slowly reprogramming the brain and thought processes to help you overcome the issue.
I learnt some good, simple coping techniques to help me combat my anxieties, basic stuff like breathing techniques, take slow deep breath's in through the nose and breathe out slowly through the mouth. Sounds daft but it helped me. When I was anxious or getting agitated composing myself and breathing correctly really helped. I was still bricking it about the cause but as @Tony Le Mesmer pointed out the more you put yourself through the cause of your anxiety the less difficult it becomes. Sometimes for me things went wrong and it left me a nervous wreck and set me back a few days or weeks but you have to persevere to get past the anxiety.  Or take the easy way out and avoid the situations that cause the anxiety. I did this for ages but as my fear was traveling in vehicles the excuses for not going anywhere where wearing thin. At the start I couldn't get to the end of our street without throwing up or having cold sweats and feeling faint, but over time and with sympathetic driving from whomever was driving me around (I was unable to drive at the time due to various broken bones, plaster casts and metal bolts/wires hanging out of me) my situation improved. Its still not perfect, I don't think it will ever return to my pre-accident level, but at least I'm able to travel around again and not make excuses.
If anybody is looking for a therapist make sure they have a good armoury of skills, some will have one or two techniques and they might not be the right ones for you - go to one that covers all aspects, unless you know the specific one you need.
I saw a therapist in Derby that had as long a list of BSC's and diploma's as your likely to see, she is in her mid fifties so has plenty of experience, she covered everything even hypnosis! 

I've had talking therapies. First time i didn't really 'get it' and just went away having not really benefitted. What's important is that you arm yourself with a load of books about CBT, depression etc and really get an understanding as to how your brain works effecting your thinking patterns, mood and indeed mental AND physical health. Without this prior knowledge underpinning your awareness then you'll struggle to gain any benefits. You have to be open to learning and understanding how the mind works IMO.
I've had good and bad therapies but i have to say that Derbyshire offers the best and most varied services I've encountered. If you live in North Yorkshire or Doncaster then best of luck with that.
Having said that I feel the therapy is too short lived and it's easy to relapse back into old patterns without the ongoing support. Once a week for an hour or so for 6-12 weeks is not a comprehensive and ongoing supportive time period to combat and challenge deep rooted behavioural thinking and therefore I would hazard a guess that many people who have had some form of CBT or / and counselling have certainly needed to have more than one block of sessions.
As I've said though, reading around the subject can help so so much and allows you to take things in in your own time.
My anxiety is gradually decreasing due to the fact that I'm not giving myself a hard time anymore. It's my brain and it's thinking patterns that are the problem and not me as a person and it's not my fault. It's the fault of my brain interpreting a situation as dangerous when in fact it isn't and therefore my body is kickstarted and primed for a battle when in reality I'm simply stood in a long queue getting agitated as it's one of those that wind round so you have to face people on either side. I hate those and they make me nervous so my body gets me ready to run away from all the zombiefied people in the post office queue when in reality i am in no real danger.
Situations like that happen all the time and therefore i am constantly living on cortisol overdose which makes it difficult to lead a normal life when in actual fact you are pretty 'normal' anyway.