Bwash_Ram

I have some important information about fried eggs. You don't need to waste time basting to get the perfect egg. Just make sure they're fresh and crucially - cover the pan!
Then you'll get eggs like this (I made a gif of today's brunch) every time. 

You're welcome x

Don't needle him. 

Groovy.

I wanted to marry my old English teacher when she came out of prison but I’m told you can’t end a sentence with a proposition 

I don’t know exactly. It was a sauce that was not Tabasco hot but very peppery..
The fish and shellfish soup was exceptional. Monkfish for main..?

Marriage is like a game of cards.
In the beginning all you need is 2 Hearts and 1 Diamond
Pretty soon you wish you had a Club and a Spade
 
 

They aren't. The way you have been treated is appalling. As you say yourself, you know that your anxiety leads you to be hyper self critical. I do the same thing myself, so I recognise what you are saying. 
Anyone looking at that situation objectively could see that the employer has broken all the rules, and has no management skills and no basic decency. With proper representation you could probably take them to the cleaners. 
The important thing is not to lose faith in yourself. If you find it difficult to find that from within, then take support from those who know, understand and care about you. I agree with you that sometimes it isn't safe to be open about your difficulties, but the worst thing is being alone with them.
You tried to be honest and open with your employer and had that trust thrown back in your face. I hope you have others in your life who can treat you with the understanding and respect you deserve. Definitely get support, if not from friends and family, then from one of the mental health services that are there for that purpose. 
I would also say try not to put too much pressure on yourself with regard to work. I know you need to live, but the measure of your worth as a person is not in how much you earn. 

What do you get if you mix human DNA and dolphin DNA?
 
Kicked out of Sea world.

Sometimes you just cant win.
 
I thought i would be a gentleman and hold the door open for a young lady
 
2 mins later she said " will you sod off, i am trying to have a dump"

A weasel walks into a bar. The Bartender says, "Wow, I've never served a weasel before. What can I get you?"
"Pop," goes the weasel.

Brings back memories, many happy pints of Ruddles straight from the jug

Not gloomy at all. 

The stakes are high.
We could be kindling a new relationship here. 

My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.
After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence.

What do you get if you mix human DNA and dolphin DNA?
 
Kicked out of Sea world.

What do you get if you mix human DNA and dolphin DNA?
 
Kicked out of Sea world.

Better than matching her rug to the skirt

A single sperm has 37.5 MB of information in its DNA.
An ejaculation represents a data transfer of approximately 1,587.5 TB of information.
I know this could be a lot of information for some feminists to swallow.

A single sperm has 37.5 MB of information in its DNA.
An ejaculation represents a data transfer of approximately 1,587.5 TB of information.
I know this could be a lot of information for some feminists to swallow.

A single sperm has 37.5 MB of information in its DNA.
An ejaculation represents a data transfer of approximately 1,587.5 TB of information.
I know this could be a lot of information for some feminists to swallow.

Anxiety is not 'nerves' and depression is not sadness. Unfortunately, it is this misunderstanding which can lead to the pressure to 'pull yourself together'.
Life is not about 'being happy' either, imo. Many people are either born into circumstances, or with conditions, which make this rather glib expectation impossible. I suspect that many, particularly in our consumerist culture, feel that they are failing if they don't achieve the 'happiness' that modern life is supposed to provide.
I think Moist One nailed it when he said that the key is awareness. The delphic injunction is to 'know thyself', and in psychological or existential terms, this is the journey we are on. From this viewpoint it doesn't matter so much what our outer circumstances or our inner traits are, we can find meaning and purpose in our lives through understanding ourselves. This is how it works for me, anyway. 
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-consciousness-question/201409/the-delphic-oracle-and-individuation

I made my wife a Caesar Salad last night
The dog was really pi$$ed off though as it was his last tin.

I see you like some egg with your pepper on toast

I see you like some egg with your pepper on toast