EssendonRam

The BBG wasn't so special when I first started going to games in the 60s with plenty of empty spaces on the terraces, but I still loved going. How different it was standing on the Popside in the 70s on the European nights, they were the highlights for me. Beating Benfica, led by Eusebio, 3-0 was just one of the many magical nights. But it was the players on the pitch and the event -the European Cup - that made it special not the ground.
If we had now the players we had then Pride Park would be just as special. I don't miss having to arrive 45 minutes before kick off to get a good spot on the terrace, the struggle to get to the toilet or the crush on leaving.
When the fans decide to make it happen, as they have done the past 2 home games, the atmosphere generated at pride Park can be electric.

A really terrific, practical description. Thank you.
You have me wondering about myself now!

Exactly my position Inglorious. I am high functioning and diagnosed recently although I've managed to live a reasonably 'normal' life up to now having a partner and kid who aren't on the spectrum. I find I have a tendency to think that whatever I think or say then i'm right and everyone else is wrong but i'm learning to accept that others have other opinions that are equally as valid. I also have a strong desire to see people who commit the most innocuous of 'crimes' such as parking in a disabled bay when they aren't disabled told about it and punished. It's just something that drives me. If it's wrong then it's wrong and often with the unfathomable behaviour of many other people, day to day life is tricky as i'm always getting annoyed at people who don't do the right thing and I've been in scuffles and arguments about this with strangers many times.
At times you do feel like you don't belong on earth and you are a complete different species and something that makes perfect sense to you doesn't seem so clear cut to others not on the spectrum and it is frustrating. I don't avoid human contact but I do prefer either people who pretty much think and act like me or people who basically just don't annoy me. I'm pretty judgemental which means I haven't really made as many close friends as I could have over my 20 years of working. If someone is into enough stuff that I find trivial then I cannot get past pleasantries. It's tough but learning all the time.
Chin up mate. Just gotta keep plodding along with it, managing and trying to push yourself as much as you can.

I've recently been diagnosed with having Aspergers Syndrome which is a form of autism, I am still coming to terms with accepting this and found it even more difficult to cope with the diagnosis given that the clinical psychologist who diagnosed me said there is basically no cure as such and that it was just about managing the condition. He gave me a list of contact groups whom became apparent that they were all geared around autism in children not for a middle aged adult like myself and then referred me back to my GP whose knowledge of the subject was cursory. 
I asked to be referred to a CBT whom discharged me after a few sessions as she said there was nothing she could help me with, it seems that there are no contact or help groups for adults with autism I have a moderate condition on the autism spectrum which means I can function at a level on a day to day basis unlike some sufferers but still has a huge impact on my existence for example avoiding human contact, having little or no appetite to do anything, like depression which I have also suffered from, it can be very debilitating.

yes my missus is the same mate, she started confident and full of life and now takes 8 sleeping pills to nod off.

As far as I'm concerned it is. Are you one of these people that could have an argument in an empty room per chance ?

My first was a daily visual reminder of how far I've come from the dark days, date of the day I started this site which pretty much dragged me through the mess I was in.
Some may see that as being cringeworthy, sad, funny, whatever but I didn't have it done to impress anyone or look for compliments. 
Plan is for a full lower right arm which fades out into the upper, won't be any flowers, skulls, guardian angels....the typical footballer tattoos but each one has to mean something, that's the plan anyhow, if it takes me till I'm 80 so be it.

This is mine on my calf

 

no need to be like that princess

I like the idea of getting the co-ordinates of the iPro Stadium. A bit more subtle.

Grimsby Town?

I would avoid any obvious football related tattoos in visible areas, not worth the hassle

Thanks Mostyn. I tried to "like" your comment but am getting a response telling me I am not permitted to.
Until relatively recently, I had defended my new reporting line, much to the chagrin of my sister who, as a qualified psychologist, 'picked' the agenda far earlier than I did. Ironically, one of the more valid criticisms of me in my professional life (aside from a tendency to overanalyse  almost everything and  everyone; that doesn't come through in my writing, does it? ?) has been how judgemental I could be of others' behaviour and how cold and calculated I could be when office politics got 'nasty'.
(In my defence, I was NEVER the initiator but - to be blunt about it - it was probably better to have me on your side than against you and, as one of my closest friends said to me once only half-jokingly (two employers ago, after he found himself in a position not dissimilar to that which I have faced recently with a person I had appointed to replace me), "Why did you seem to enjoy it so much?" 
It actually disturbed me at the time that he could think that.
Although I was appalled by much of what was being done to me, I could see the discomfort they were feeling in having to do it and actually felt for them. While I would have resigned rather than carry out instructions as (frankly) immoral as those they were presumably given, I was equally appalled on their behalf at the position they had been put in.
But, contrary to my sister's perception of my sympathy for them, I (a) needed to know that I had done literally all I could have done to avoid a 'war' over the entire situation because I knew that a 'war' would probably be career-ending for all involved, and (b) it was an honest offer to find a decent and mutually beneficial way out without undermining my self-interest.
At the risk of sounding almost schizophrenic*, that is an example of how, even when I was genuinely battling depression and serious anxiety over what was happening (there were many days when I sat on my couch - fully clothed and literally ready to leave for work - endlessly trying to think of an excuse to avoid going in until I was late... despite knowing full well that being late for work would bring another (justified this time) barrage, I still had the ability to 'strategize' unemotionally.
I knew that winning them over personally and (even though it turned our reporting lines on its head) leading them to the realisation that they could both keep my skills ultimately to the benefit of their careers AND claim resolution of a very difficult situation that they had not been responsible for creating was really the only chance I had to get a 'win' without a fight. But, while offering them olive branch after olive branch, I was deliberately setting and re-setting the boundaries as a test to prove the patterns of behaviour with ultimately a court case in mind.
As emotional and fatigued and disgusted and, quite honestly, as GUTTED as I was that my career was ending in a manner akin to Hitler's retreat to Berlin**, I was still setting the tripwires, gauging the reactions, and recording the evidence for my Nuremberg.
As I tried to reassure my sister many, many times, she was misinterpreting my attempts to be conciliatory as weakness. If it came to it, I would not hesitate to blow the lot of them up (metaphorically speaking, please note ASIO***) to save myself. They had more than earned it.
She clearly thought the black humour and the bravado ("the biggest advantage I have is that they have  no idea who they have taken on") was just a diversion to placate her.
When it became clear to me that trying to find a mutually acceptable way out was simply unfeasible, I thought it had probably been a stupid idea from the start. More importantly, while I knew I hadn't  done anything to undermine my case for unfair dismissal, it was probably been too taxing on me mentally.
While I had come to the realisation some time before, the sign that I had probably kept trying to be conciliatory for far too long came in one of our 'performance management meetings' where I learned, usually for the first time, my list of transgressions for the week, tried to respond and / or seek clarification, was ignored or "corrected" in my perspective, and requested the evidence to support her perception. The next morning, the four of us (my boss and I, her boss and my witness) would receive her minutes. I would correct her minutes and return them, initially only where I considered them grossly misleading but later (in sheer frustration and, I now realise, a sign that my ability to cope was beginning to fail) corrected even a slightly misleading account (usually my response to an alleged statement of "fact"), spelling mistakes and grammatical errors.
The latter were both petty and deliberately provocative but the former law student in me justified their inclusion as addressing a key accusation, ie my alleged lack of attention to detail. Literally every week, I would remind her that her "minutes did not constitute the evidence for (her) accusations and that (she) had not provided the evidence that I had both requested and to which I was entitled. Indeed, (she) ought to have provided it before the allegation had been discussed as a 'performance management issue'."
When I added "Yet again, I have to remind you of the fundamental principles of the process designed to ensure fairness and accountability. I have copied and pasted it from last email to save some wasted effort as these 'minutes' are clearly intended only to pursue the desired outcome" it was probably the first time I had been anything less than totally civil. My witness, who has been a friend of mine for over 20 years, and I probably should have realised then that I was beginning to 'break'. The next week, after we had gone through a few of my alleged failures that week in the usual way, she raised an issue I had been Intending to confront her on, I literally interrupted her in mid-sentence saying "see, this is a perfect example of why we are wasting our time here". She appeared to ignore me. When she finished, everyone was waiting for me to respond. When I realised they were expecting me to say something, I said (pretty rudely): "Asked and answered. Next."
Apparently I had said it so quietly that no-one had heard me. Even Wayne, my witness, admitted he hadn't heard me (which, I must admit, annoyed me at the time). I then apologised and repeated that I felt my presence for the discussions were completely unnecessary. Wayne told me later that the tirade over the next few minutes was incredibly impressive, that it should have put the fear of God into them should I ever get anywhere near a witness box.
It didn't apparently.
The next day I was accused of missing several deadlines we had not even discussed, of not keeping her fully informed "in accordance with her instructions" (having provided her with an update on a particular matter a few minutes before having a 19-minute (late) lunch break during which the fellow had recalled that she'd told him to send her any of my emails on which I did not cc her and, kindly or stupidly, sent it to her with those words.
Fortuitously for me, she used his email to attack me for not updating her. It self-evidently made no sense. As I was literally stopping myself from responding in an manner which would have warranted instant dismissal, I closed down that email and opened one from her boss; it accused me of lying in my purported corrections of her minutes and threatened me with a "review of my employment status" if I persisted.
My response was a work of art (if I do say so myself). I have no idea where the calmness came from since, truthfully, I felt like crying hysterically or putting my fist through my laptop only moments before (to the extent that several of my colleagues had noticed and were genuinely concerned).
I briefly noted some of the 'issues' to which I had been subjected to on that day alone.
Then, acknowledged his accusation of deceit and pointed out that she had misinterpreted my words simply by juxtaposing what I had actually said with the interpretation she had placed on it and concluded that it was in all of our interests that I depart for the day without commenting further.
That preceded my first bout of stress leave.
At the time, I was relieved on two counts: mainly, that I was out of the maelstrom for a while and finally had a chance just to 'stop'. There's obviously no comparison (and I do not say it to offend; trust me I am not suggesting there is any comparison) but I could suddenly understand to a small degree what it must be like after leaving a war zone.
Secondly, I was fully aware of how close I had been to losing "it". Many times I barely managed to stop myself from reacting. Truthfully, that reaction had a 50-50 chance of being either hysterical or verbally abusive and I have no idea which it would have been had I not succeeded in stopping it.
With the full benefit of hindsight, I am not certain if trying so hard to be conciliatory was the right or wrong thing to do. From a legal standpoint, my solicitor was "over the moon". He has always said it is one of the clearest cases of unfair and unconscionable dismissal he has ever seen (and he is an expert in the field) but it's fair to say he was almost wetting his pants as he reviewed my response to the three-page letter of dismissal and my attached evidence.
As he said, it doesn't just raise questions about my former employers' competence and decency, it gets to the point where you have to query if they border on unhinged.
As he also noted, my deterioration from trying desperately to find a cooperative solution to the brink of snapping point comes through. He's asked my psych to review my daily notes and provide him with a formal opinion. For the first time, he is of the view that compensatory and punitive damages may come in to play. After cautioning me all along that he would be recommending I waive any future claims when they make a settlement offer (there is a maximum amount in Australia for unfair dismissal), he is now persuaded that he might recommend rejecting any settlement offer if a condition is attached to it that I must waive any future cause of action against them.
A major point I think I may have omitted (unbelievable as it may seem, after all of these words): they included in their letter of dismissal that they first had concerns about my performance last September and discussed with me those concerns; they considered placing me on performance management then. I was told this several months ago but assumed the HR expert had confused his dates. It turns out that they DID raise the possibility of subjecting me to performance management even before I returned to my original role (in October) and despite my annual performance assessment raising no issues whatsoever as at 30 September.
Getting to bend them over is no longer even remotely in question Mostyn; they will soon learn that.
As it comes out, I will be surprised if at least two don't lose their jobs, probably three. The HR expert who has been advising them will presumably be safe but he shouldn't be.
The viciousness of their conduct, right down to the precise timing of my dismissal and the pre-emptive decision not to pay my sick leave (which is not an illegal act only because I had not formally raised a  work cover claim even though I reserved the right to pursue one), followed by a direct breach of their obligations to pay my severance payment, has opened some doors which we should never have had to consider opening.
My solicitor warned me directly that, if it ends up in court, he will be asking them if they had ever had concerns over my mental state or worried about suicide or self-harm; he now holds the view that, at best, they can argue only reckless indifference to the possibility.
When they presumably answer "of course not, he's mentally incredibly strong", the entire question of their motivation behind this will be open for exploration. 
And, depending on the answers, for recompense in a separate cause of action.
 
I do apologise for, yet again, going into so much detail. I hope those reading this understand this is a 'therapy' of sorts for me, not an attempt to bore you all to death. In some (most!) ways, I would probably prefer no one to read these posts; in other ways, it is 'nice' to hear validation. But, hopefully, those who might gather some insight or hope from it might stumble across it.
Or those like myself who are suffering serious sleep deprivation.
 
* Another example of how my brain "issue" actually affects me now and where it has stabilised for at least 12 months. As I started the sentence, I knew that my ability to simultaneously be bordering on an emotional breakdown yet still be unemotional and calculating sounds ridiculous, and even sounded like I had multiple personalities. But, for the life of me, I could not summon the word for "multiple personality disorder" to mind. I had to Google it.
** Sorry. Another coping mechanism of mine. I adore history (not Hitler!) and the analogy of me sitting in my bunker going insane while the "enemy" pounds me relentlessly on all fronts - with me fighting for every inch of "territory" (integrity and self-respect) - amuses me. Hopefully, the analogy fails at "delusional" and long before "bullet in temple" or "escape to Argentina dressed in a frock" depending on your view of Hitler's fate.
*** No, really, ASIO. No need to knock my front door down. Deflecting all this bulltish with humour is ultimately the only way I know of not letting it drive me crazy. If I can still "dack" it, laugh it and point out that it has an embarrassingly small wiener then I still own it.
I still control it.
Which means I can tell it when to stop bothering me.
My sister, the qualified psychologist, says that's the biggest load of garbage she's ever heard. That I am just deflecting.
But it works for me because I don't use it to deflect from the issues bothering me. I think them through, work out the aspects over which I have some control or influence, and determine what I must do to deal with those aspects alone.
Then I work out how the residual aspects will affect me and accept that I can only ameliorate or deflect the consequences.
Sound remotely familiar?
 
 
 
 

My mother in law passed away yesterday evening, when it's less raw I'll maybe post more on the subject of end of life care, and the frankly shocking way some doctors treated her towards the end.
One thing I will say, the care and support shown by the nursing staff at the hospital, not just to her, but the family has made a difficult time so much easier.
I've heard them called angels many times in the past, but having witnessed the care they provide first hand, it's an appropriate tag.
Truly a credit to the NHS, each and every one of them .

Thanks Mostyn. I tried to "like" your comment but am getting a response telling me I am not permitted to.
Until relatively recently, I had defended my new reporting line, much to the chagrin of my sister who, as a qualified psychologist, 'picked' the agenda far earlier than I did. Ironically, one of the more valid criticisms of me in my professional life (aside from a tendency to overanalyse  almost everything and  everyone; that doesn't come through in my writing, does it? ?) has been how judgemental I could be of others' behaviour and how cold and calculated I could be when office politics got 'nasty'.
(In my defence, I was NEVER the initiator but - to be blunt about it - it was probably better to have me on your side than against you and, as one of my closest friends said to me once only half-jokingly (two employers ago, after he found himself in a position not dissimilar to that which I have faced recently with a person I had appointed to replace me), "Why did you seem to enjoy it so much?" 
It actually disturbed me at the time that he could think that.
Although I was appalled by much of what was being done to me, I could see the discomfort they were feeling in having to do it and actually felt for them. While I would have resigned rather than carry out instructions as (frankly) immoral as those they were presumably given, I was equally appalled on their behalf at the position they had been put in.
But, contrary to my sister's perception of my sympathy for them, I (a) needed to know that I had done literally all I could have done to avoid a 'war' over the entire situation because I knew that a 'war' would probably be career-ending for all involved, and (b) it was an honest offer to find a decent and mutually beneficial way out without undermining my self-interest.
At the risk of sounding almost schizophrenic*, that is an example of how, even when I was genuinely battling depression and serious anxiety over what was happening (there were many days when I sat on my couch - fully clothed and literally ready to leave for work - endlessly trying to think of an excuse to avoid going in until I was late... despite knowing full well that being late for work would bring another (justified this time) barrage, I still had the ability to 'strategize' unemotionally.
I knew that winning them over personally and (even though it turned our reporting lines on its head) leading them to the realisation that they could both keep my skills ultimately to the benefit of their careers AND claim resolution of a very difficult situation that they had not been responsible for creating was really the only chance I had to get a 'win' without a fight. But, while offering them olive branch after olive branch, I was deliberately setting and re-setting the boundaries as a test to prove the patterns of behaviour with ultimately a court case in mind.
As emotional and fatigued and disgusted and, quite honestly, as GUTTED as I was that my career was ending in a manner akin to Hitler's retreat to Berlin**, I was still setting the tripwires, gauging the reactions, and recording the evidence for my Nuremberg.
As I tried to reassure my sister many, many times, she was misinterpreting my attempts to be conciliatory as weakness. If it came to it, I would not hesitate to blow the lot of them up (metaphorically speaking, please note ASIO***) to save myself. They had more than earned it.
She clearly thought the black humour and the bravado ("the biggest advantage I have is that they have  no idea who they have taken on") was just a diversion to placate her.
When it became clear to me that trying to find a mutually acceptable way out was simply unfeasible, I thought it had probably been a stupid idea from the start. More importantly, while I knew I hadn't  done anything to undermine my case for unfair dismissal, it was probably been too taxing on me mentally.
While I had come to the realisation some time before, the sign that I had probably kept trying to be conciliatory for far too long came in one of our 'performance management meetings' where I learned, usually for the first time, my list of transgressions for the week, tried to respond and / or seek clarification, was ignored or "corrected" in my perspective, and requested the evidence to support her perception. The next morning, the four of us (my boss and I, her boss and my witness) would receive her minutes. I would correct her minutes and return them, initially only where I considered them grossly misleading but later (in sheer frustration and, I now realise, a sign that my ability to cope was beginning to fail) corrected even a slightly misleading account (usually my response to an alleged statement of "fact"), spelling mistakes and grammatical errors.
The latter were both petty and deliberately provocative but the former law student in me justified their inclusion as addressing a key accusation, ie my alleged lack of attention to detail. Literally every week, I would remind her that her "minutes did not constitute the evidence for (her) accusations and that (she) had not provided the evidence that I had both requested and to which I was entitled. Indeed, (she) ought to have provided it before the allegation had been discussed as a 'performance management issue'."
When I added "Yet again, I have to remind you of the fundamental principles of the process designed to ensure fairness and accountability. I have copied and pasted it from last email to save some wasted effort as these 'minutes' are clearly intended only to pursue the desired outcome" it was probably the first time I had been anything less than totally civil. My witness, who has been a friend of mine for over 20 years, and I probably should have realised then that I was beginning to 'break'. The next week, after we had gone through a few of my alleged failures that week in the usual way, she raised an issue I had been Intending to confront her on, I literally interrupted her in mid-sentence saying "see, this is a perfect example of why we are wasting our time here". She appeared to ignore me. When she finished, everyone was waiting for me to respond. When I realised they were expecting me to say something, I said (pretty rudely): "Asked and answered. Next."
Apparently I had said it so quietly that no-one had heard me. Even Wayne, my witness, admitted he hadn't heard me (which, I must admit, annoyed me at the time). I then apologised and repeated that I felt my presence for the discussions were completely unnecessary. Wayne told me later that the tirade over the next few minutes was incredibly impressive, that it should have put the fear of God into them should I ever get anywhere near a witness box.
It didn't apparently.
The next day I was accused of missing several deadlines we had not even discussed, of not keeping her fully informed "in accordance with her instructions" (having provided her with an update on a particular matter a few minutes before having a 19-minute (late) lunch break during which the fellow had recalled that she'd told him to send her any of my emails on which I did not cc her and, kindly or stupidly, sent it to her with those words.
Fortuitously for me, she used his email to attack me for not updating her. It self-evidently made no sense. As I was literally stopping myself from responding in an manner which would have warranted instant dismissal, I closed down that email and opened one from her boss; it accused me of lying in my purported corrections of her minutes and threatened me with a "review of my employment status" if I persisted.
My response was a work of art (if I do say so myself). I have no idea where the calmness came from since, truthfully, I felt like crying hysterically or putting my fist through my laptop only moments before (to the extent that several of my colleagues had noticed and were genuinely concerned).
I briefly noted some of the 'issues' to which I had been subjected to on that day alone.
Then, acknowledged his accusation of deceit and pointed out that she had misinterpreted my words simply by juxtaposing what I had actually said with the interpretation she had placed on it and concluded that it was in all of our interests that I depart for the day without commenting further.
That preceded my first bout of stress leave.
At the time, I was relieved on two counts: mainly, that I was out of the maelstrom for a while and finally had a chance just to 'stop'. There's obviously no comparison (and I do not say it to offend; trust me I am not suggesting there is any comparison) but I could suddenly understand to a small degree what it must be like after leaving a war zone.
Secondly, I was fully aware of how close I had been to losing "it". Many times I barely managed to stop myself from reacting. Truthfully, that reaction had a 50-50 chance of being either hysterical or verbally abusive and I have no idea which it would have been had I not succeeded in stopping it.
With the full benefit of hindsight, I am not certain if trying so hard to be conciliatory was the right or wrong thing to do. From a legal standpoint, my solicitor was "over the moon". He has always said it is one of the clearest cases of unfair and unconscionable dismissal he has ever seen (and he is an expert in the field) but it's fair to say he was almost wetting his pants as he reviewed my response to the three-page letter of dismissal and my attached evidence.
As he said, it doesn't just raise questions about my former employers' competence and decency, it gets to the point where you have to query if they border on unhinged.
As he also noted, my deterioration from trying desperately to find a cooperative solution to the brink of snapping point comes through. He's asked my psych to review my daily notes and provide him with a formal opinion. For the first time, he is of the view that compensatory and punitive damages may come in to play. After cautioning me all along that he would be recommending I waive any future claims when they make a settlement offer (there is a maximum amount in Australia for unfair dismissal), he is now persuaded that he might recommend rejecting any settlement offer if a condition is attached to it that I must waive any future cause of action against them.
A major point I think I may have omitted (unbelievable as it may seem, after all of these words): they included in their letter of dismissal that they first had concerns about my performance last September and discussed with me those concerns; they considered placing me on performance management then. I was told this several months ago but assumed the HR expert had confused his dates. It turns out that they DID raise the possibility of subjecting me to performance management even before I returned to my original role (in October) and despite my annual performance assessment raising no issues whatsoever as at 30 September.
Getting to bend them over is no longer even remotely in question Mostyn; they will soon learn that.
As it comes out, I will be surprised if at least two don't lose their jobs, probably three. The HR expert who has been advising them will presumably be safe but he shouldn't be.
The viciousness of their conduct, right down to the precise timing of my dismissal and the pre-emptive decision not to pay my sick leave (which is not an illegal act only because I had not formally raised a  work cover claim even though I reserved the right to pursue one), followed by a direct breach of their obligations to pay my severance payment, has opened some doors which we should never have had to consider opening.
My solicitor warned me directly that, if it ends up in court, he will be asking them if they had ever had concerns over my mental state or worried about suicide or self-harm; he now holds the view that, at best, they can argue only reckless indifference to the possibility.
When they presumably answer "of course not, he's mentally incredibly strong", the entire question of their motivation behind this will be open for exploration. 
And, depending on the answers, for recompense in a separate cause of action.
 
I do apologise for, yet again, going into so much detail. I hope those reading this understand this is a 'therapy' of sorts for me, not an attempt to bore you all to death. In some (most!) ways, I would probably prefer no one to read these posts; in other ways, it is 'nice' to hear validation. But, hopefully, those who might gather some insight or hope from it might stumble across it.
Or those like myself who are suffering serious sleep deprivation.
 
* Another example of how my brain "issue" actually affects me now and where it has stabilised for at least 12 months. As I started the sentence, I knew that my ability to simultaneously be bordering on an emotional breakdown yet still be unemotional and calculating sounds ridiculous, and even sounded like I had multiple personalities. But, for the life of me, I could not summon the word for "multiple personality disorder" to mind. I had to Google it.
** Sorry. Another coping mechanism of mine. I adore history (not Hitler!) and the analogy of me sitting in my bunker going insane while the "enemy" pounds me relentlessly on all fronts - with me fighting for every inch of "territory" (integrity and self-respect) - amuses me. Hopefully, the analogy fails at "delusional" and long before "bullet in temple" or "escape to Argentina dressed in a frock" depending on your view of Hitler's fate.
*** No, really, ASIO. No need to knock my front door down. Deflecting all this bulltish with humour is ultimately the only way I know of not letting it drive me crazy. If I can still "dack" it, laugh it and point out that it has an embarrassingly small wiener then I still own it.
I still control it.
Which means I can tell it when to stop bothering me.
My sister, the qualified psychologist, says that's the biggest load of garbage she's ever heard. That I am just deflecting.
But it works for me because I don't use it to deflect from the issues bothering me. I think them through, work out the aspects over which I have some control or influence, and determine what I must do to deal with those aspects alone.
Then I work out how the residual aspects will affect me and accept that I can only ameliorate or deflect the consequences.
Sound remotely familiar?
 
 
 
 

Sorry if this upsets anyone, but I just felt I had to get it down somewhere and this felt the best place for it. I was also wondering if there was anyone else who had been through similar, who could share their experience of the big C.
It's been a tough month.
My girlfriend's dad was diagnosed with lung cancer about a month ago. Since then its been setbacks and balls ups all over.
Monday, he was due to have his lung removed, after a bronchoscopy, at Nottingham City Hospital. They then had to refill a lengthy consent form out because the original one was for a child, anaesthetist needed him to have an echocardiogram at short notice, thus turning a 8.00am procedure start into a 12.30pm start.
At about 6, we then had the news that they couldn't remove the lung, as the size and location made it more risky than they first thought. Quite why this didn't show on the bronchoscopy, or any of the numerous CT/PET is beyond my knowledge. He will now be referred back to the Derby oncologist for a chemo/radiotherapy to shrink the tumour, to then have a second attempt at removing the lung.
To make matters worse, having already incised from shoulder to hip on his back, they then got his pain relieving epidural wrong.
We are gutted, confused, angry, and losing heart. Fortunately, he isn't, bless him.
 

Thanks Mostyn. I tried to "like" your comment but am getting a response telling me I am not permitted to.
Until relatively recently, I had defended my new reporting line, much to the chagrin of my sister who, as a qualified psychologist, 'picked' the agenda far earlier than I did. Ironically, one of the more valid criticisms of me in my professional life (aside from a tendency to overanalyse  almost everything and  everyone; that doesn't come through in my writing, does it? ?) has been how judgemental I could be of others' behaviour and how cold and calculated I could be when office politics got 'nasty'.
(In my defence, I was NEVER the initiator but - to be blunt about it - it was probably better to have me on your side than against you and, as one of my closest friends said to me once only half-jokingly (two employers ago, after he found himself in a position not dissimilar to that which I have faced recently with a person I had appointed to replace me), "Why did you seem to enjoy it so much?" 
It actually disturbed me at the time that he could think that.
Although I was appalled by much of what was being done to me, I could see the discomfort they were feeling in having to do it and actually felt for them. While I would have resigned rather than carry out instructions as (frankly) immoral as those they were presumably given, I was equally appalled on their behalf at the position they had been put in.
But, contrary to my sister's perception of my sympathy for them, I (a) needed to know that I had done literally all I could have done to avoid a 'war' over the entire situation because I knew that a 'war' would probably be career-ending for all involved, and (b) it was an honest offer to find a decent and mutually beneficial way out without undermining my self-interest.
At the risk of sounding almost schizophrenic*, that is an example of how, even when I was genuinely battling depression and serious anxiety over what was happening (there were many days when I sat on my couch - fully clothed and literally ready to leave for work - endlessly trying to think of an excuse to avoid going in until I was late... despite knowing full well that being late for work would bring another (justified this time) barrage, I still had the ability to 'strategize' unemotionally.
I knew that winning them over personally and (even though it turned our reporting lines on its head) leading them to the realisation that they could both keep my skills ultimately to the benefit of their careers AND claim resolution of a very difficult situation that they had not been responsible for creating was really the only chance I had to get a 'win' without a fight. But, while offering them olive branch after olive branch, I was deliberately setting and re-setting the boundaries as a test to prove the patterns of behaviour with ultimately a court case in mind.
As emotional and fatigued and disgusted and, quite honestly, as GUTTED as I was that my career was ending in a manner akin to Hitler's retreat to Berlin**, I was still setting the tripwires, gauging the reactions, and recording the evidence for my Nuremberg.
As I tried to reassure my sister many, many times, she was misinterpreting my attempts to be conciliatory as weakness. If it came to it, I would not hesitate to blow the lot of them up (metaphorically speaking, please note ASIO***) to save myself. They had more than earned it.
She clearly thought the black humour and the bravado ("the biggest advantage I have is that they have  no idea who they have taken on") was just a diversion to placate her.
When it became clear to me that trying to find a mutually acceptable way out was simply unfeasible, I thought it had probably been a stupid idea from the start. More importantly, while I knew I hadn't  done anything to undermine my case for unfair dismissal, it was probably been too taxing on me mentally.
While I had come to the realisation some time before, the sign that I had probably kept trying to be conciliatory for far too long came in one of our 'performance management meetings' where I learned, usually for the first time, my list of transgressions for the week, tried to respond and / or seek clarification, was ignored or "corrected" in my perspective, and requested the evidence to support her perception. The next morning, the four of us (my boss and I, her boss and my witness) would receive her minutes. I would correct her minutes and return them, initially only where I considered them grossly misleading but later (in sheer frustration and, I now realise, a sign that my ability to cope was beginning to fail) corrected even a slightly misleading account (usually my response to an alleged statement of "fact"), spelling mistakes and grammatical errors.
The latter were both petty and deliberately provocative but the former law student in me justified their inclusion as addressing a key accusation, ie my alleged lack of attention to detail. Literally every week, I would remind her that her "minutes did not constitute the evidence for (her) accusations and that (she) had not provided the evidence that I had both requested and to which I was entitled. Indeed, (she) ought to have provided it before the allegation had been discussed as a 'performance management issue'."
When I added "Yet again, I have to remind you of the fundamental principles of the process designed to ensure fairness and accountability. I have copied and pasted it from last email to save some wasted effort as these 'minutes' are clearly intended only to pursue the desired outcome" it was probably the first time I had been anything less than totally civil. My witness, who has been a friend of mine for over 20 years, and I probably should have realised then that I was beginning to 'break'. The next week, after we had gone through a few of my alleged failures that week in the usual way, she raised an issue I had been Intending to confront her on, I literally interrupted her in mid-sentence saying "see, this is a perfect example of why we are wasting our time here". She appeared to ignore me. When she finished, everyone was waiting for me to respond. When I realised they were expecting me to say something, I said (pretty rudely): "Asked and answered. Next."
Apparently I had said it so quietly that no-one had heard me. Even Wayne, my witness, admitted he hadn't heard me (which, I must admit, annoyed me at the time). I then apologised and repeated that I felt my presence for the discussions were completely unnecessary. Wayne told me later that the tirade over the next few minutes was incredibly impressive, that it should have put the fear of God into them should I ever get anywhere near a witness box.
It didn't apparently.
The next day I was accused of missing several deadlines we had not even discussed, of not keeping her fully informed "in accordance with her instructions" (having provided her with an update on a particular matter a few minutes before having a 19-minute (late) lunch break during which the fellow had recalled that she'd told him to send her any of my emails on which I did not cc her and, kindly or stupidly, sent it to her with those words.
Fortuitously for me, she used his email to attack me for not updating her. It self-evidently made no sense. As I was literally stopping myself from responding in an manner which would have warranted instant dismissal, I closed down that email and opened one from her boss; it accused me of lying in my purported corrections of her minutes and threatened me with a "review of my employment status" if I persisted.
My response was a work of art (if I do say so myself). I have no idea where the calmness came from since, truthfully, I felt like crying hysterically or putting my fist through my laptop only moments before (to the extent that several of my colleagues had noticed and were genuinely concerned).
I briefly noted some of the 'issues' to which I had been subjected to on that day alone.
Then, acknowledged his accusation of deceit and pointed out that she had misinterpreted my words simply by juxtaposing what I had actually said with the interpretation she had placed on it and concluded that it was in all of our interests that I depart for the day without commenting further.
That preceded my first bout of stress leave.
At the time, I was relieved on two counts: mainly, that I was out of the maelstrom for a while and finally had a chance just to 'stop'. There's obviously no comparison (and I do not say it to offend; trust me I am not suggesting there is any comparison) but I could suddenly understand to a small degree what it must be like after leaving a war zone.
Secondly, I was fully aware of how close I had been to losing "it". Many times I barely managed to stop myself from reacting. Truthfully, that reaction had a 50-50 chance of being either hysterical or verbally abusive and I have no idea which it would have been had I not succeeded in stopping it.
With the full benefit of hindsight, I am not certain if trying so hard to be conciliatory was the right or wrong thing to do. From a legal standpoint, my solicitor was "over the moon". He has always said it is one of the clearest cases of unfair and unconscionable dismissal he has ever seen (and he is an expert in the field) but it's fair to say he was almost wetting his pants as he reviewed my response to the three-page letter of dismissal and my attached evidence.
As he said, it doesn't just raise questions about my former employers' competence and decency, it gets to the point where you have to query if they border on unhinged.
As he also noted, my deterioration from trying desperately to find a cooperative solution to the brink of snapping point comes through. He's asked my psych to review my daily notes and provide him with a formal opinion. For the first time, he is of the view that compensatory and punitive damages may come in to play. After cautioning me all along that he would be recommending I waive any future claims when they make a settlement offer (there is a maximum amount in Australia for unfair dismissal), he is now persuaded that he might recommend rejecting any settlement offer if a condition is attached to it that I must waive any future cause of action against them.
A major point I think I may have omitted (unbelievable as it may seem, after all of these words): they included in their letter of dismissal that they first had concerns about my performance last September and discussed with me those concerns; they considered placing me on performance management then. I was told this several months ago but assumed the HR expert had confused his dates. It turns out that they DID raise the possibility of subjecting me to performance management even before I returned to my original role (in October) and despite my annual performance assessment raising no issues whatsoever as at 30 September.
Getting to bend them over is no longer even remotely in question Mostyn; they will soon learn that.
As it comes out, I will be surprised if at least two don't lose their jobs, probably three. The HR expert who has been advising them will presumably be safe but he shouldn't be.
The viciousness of their conduct, right down to the precise timing of my dismissal and the pre-emptive decision not to pay my sick leave (which is not an illegal act only because I had not formally raised a  work cover claim even though I reserved the right to pursue one), followed by a direct breach of their obligations to pay my severance payment, has opened some doors which we should never have had to consider opening.
My solicitor warned me directly that, if it ends up in court, he will be asking them if they had ever had concerns over my mental state or worried about suicide or self-harm; he now holds the view that, at best, they can argue only reckless indifference to the possibility.
When they presumably answer "of course not, he's mentally incredibly strong", the entire question of their motivation behind this will be open for exploration. 
And, depending on the answers, for recompense in a separate cause of action.
 
I do apologise for, yet again, going into so much detail. I hope those reading this understand this is a 'therapy' of sorts for me, not an attempt to bore you all to death. In some (most!) ways, I would probably prefer no one to read these posts; in other ways, it is 'nice' to hear validation. But, hopefully, those who might gather some insight or hope from it might stumble across it.
Or those like myself who are suffering serious sleep deprivation.
 
* Another example of how my brain "issue" actually affects me now and where it has stabilised for at least 12 months. As I started the sentence, I knew that my ability to simultaneously be bordering on an emotional breakdown yet still be unemotional and calculating sounds ridiculous, and even sounded like I had multiple personalities. But, for the life of me, I could not summon the word for "multiple personality disorder" to mind. I had to Google it.
** Sorry. Another coping mechanism of mine. I adore history (not Hitler!) and the analogy of me sitting in my bunker going insane while the "enemy" pounds me relentlessly on all fronts - with me fighting for every inch of "territory" (integrity and self-respect) - amuses me. Hopefully, the analogy fails at "delusional" and long before "bullet in temple" or "escape to Argentina dressed in a frock" depending on your view of Hitler's fate.
*** No, really, ASIO. No need to knock my front door down. Deflecting all this bulltish with humour is ultimately the only way I know of not letting it drive me crazy. If I can still "dack" it, laugh it and point out that it has an embarrassingly small wiener then I still own it.
I still control it.
Which means I can tell it when to stop bothering me.
My sister, the qualified psychologist, says that's the biggest load of garbage she's ever heard. That I am just deflecting.
But it works for me because I don't use it to deflect from the issues bothering me. I think them through, work out the aspects over which I have some control or influence, and determine what I must do to deal with those aspects alone.
Then I work out how the residual aspects will affect me and accept that I can only ameliorate or deflect the consequences.
Sound remotely familiar?
 
 
 
 

Thanks Mostyn. I tried to "like" your comment but am getting a response telling me I am not permitted to.
Until relatively recently, I had defended my new reporting line, much to the chagrin of my sister who, as a qualified psychologist, 'picked' the agenda far earlier than I did. Ironically, one of the more valid criticisms of me in my professional life (aside from a tendency to overanalyse  almost everything and  everyone; that doesn't come through in my writing, does it? ?) has been how judgemental I could be of others' behaviour and how cold and calculated I could be when office politics got 'nasty'.
(In my defence, I was NEVER the initiator but - to be blunt about it - it was probably better to have me on your side than against you and, as one of my closest friends said to me once only half-jokingly (two employers ago, after he found himself in a position not dissimilar to that which I have faced recently with a person I had appointed to replace me), "Why did you seem to enjoy it so much?" 
It actually disturbed me at the time that he could think that.
Although I was appalled by much of what was being done to me, I could see the discomfort they were feeling in having to do it and actually felt for them. While I would have resigned rather than carry out instructions as (frankly) immoral as those they were presumably given, I was equally appalled on their behalf at the position they had been put in.
But, contrary to my sister's perception of my sympathy for them, I (a) needed to know that I had done literally all I could have done to avoid a 'war' over the entire situation because I knew that a 'war' would probably be career-ending for all involved, and (b) it was an honest offer to find a decent and mutually beneficial way out without undermining my self-interest.
At the risk of sounding almost schizophrenic*, that is an example of how, even when I was genuinely battling depression and serious anxiety over what was happening (there were many days when I sat on my couch - fully clothed and literally ready to leave for work - endlessly trying to think of an excuse to avoid going in until I was late... despite knowing full well that being late for work would bring another (justified this time) barrage, I still had the ability to 'strategize' unemotionally.
I knew that winning them over personally and (even though it turned our reporting lines on its head) leading them to the realisation that they could both keep my skills ultimately to the benefit of their careers AND claim resolution of a very difficult situation that they had not been responsible for creating was really the only chance I had to get a 'win' without a fight. But, while offering them olive branch after olive branch, I was deliberately setting and re-setting the boundaries as a test to prove the patterns of behaviour with ultimately a court case in mind.
As emotional and fatigued and disgusted and, quite honestly, as GUTTED as I was that my career was ending in a manner akin to Hitler's retreat to Berlin**, I was still setting the tripwires, gauging the reactions, and recording the evidence for my Nuremberg.
As I tried to reassure my sister many, many times, she was misinterpreting my attempts to be conciliatory as weakness. If it came to it, I would not hesitate to blow the lot of them up (metaphorically speaking, please note ASIO***) to save myself. They had more than earned it.
She clearly thought the black humour and the bravado ("the biggest advantage I have is that they have  no idea who they have taken on") was just a diversion to placate her.
When it became clear to me that trying to find a mutually acceptable way out was simply unfeasible, I thought it had probably been a stupid idea from the start. More importantly, while I knew I hadn't  done anything to undermine my case for unfair dismissal, it was probably been too taxing on me mentally.
While I had come to the realisation some time before, the sign that I had probably kept trying to be conciliatory for far too long came in one of our 'performance management meetings' where I learned, usually for the first time, my list of transgressions for the week, tried to respond and / or seek clarification, was ignored or "corrected" in my perspective, and requested the evidence to support her perception. The next morning, the four of us (my boss and I, her boss and my witness) would receive her minutes. I would correct her minutes and return them, initially only where I considered them grossly misleading but later (in sheer frustration and, I now realise, a sign that my ability to cope was beginning to fail) corrected even a slightly misleading account (usually my response to an alleged statement of "fact"), spelling mistakes and grammatical errors.
The latter were both petty and deliberately provocative but the former law student in me justified their inclusion as addressing a key accusation, ie my alleged lack of attention to detail. Literally every week, I would remind her that her "minutes did not constitute the evidence for (her) accusations and that (she) had not provided the evidence that I had both requested and to which I was entitled. Indeed, (she) ought to have provided it before the allegation had been discussed as a 'performance management issue'."
When I added "Yet again, I have to remind you of the fundamental principles of the process designed to ensure fairness and accountability. I have copied and pasted it from last email to save some wasted effort as these 'minutes' are clearly intended only to pursue the desired outcome" it was probably the first time I had been anything less than totally civil. My witness, who has been a friend of mine for over 20 years, and I probably should have realised then that I was beginning to 'break'. The next week, after we had gone through a few of my alleged failures that week in the usual way, she raised an issue I had been Intending to confront her on, I literally interrupted her in mid-sentence saying "see, this is a perfect example of why we are wasting our time here". She appeared to ignore me. When she finished, everyone was waiting for me to respond. When I realised they were expecting me to say something, I said (pretty rudely): "Asked and answered. Next."
Apparently I had said it so quietly that no-one had heard me. Even Wayne, my witness, admitted he hadn't heard me (which, I must admit, annoyed me at the time). I then apologised and repeated that I felt my presence for the discussions were completely unnecessary. Wayne told me later that the tirade over the next few minutes was incredibly impressive, that it should have put the fear of God into them should I ever get anywhere near a witness box.
It didn't apparently.
The next day I was accused of missing several deadlines we had not even discussed, of not keeping her fully informed "in accordance with her instructions" (having provided her with an update on a particular matter a few minutes before having a 19-minute (late) lunch break during which the fellow had recalled that she'd told him to send her any of my emails on which I did not cc her and, kindly or stupidly, sent it to her with those words.
Fortuitously for me, she used his email to attack me for not updating her. It self-evidently made no sense. As I was literally stopping myself from responding in an manner which would have warranted instant dismissal, I closed down that email and opened one from her boss; it accused me of lying in my purported corrections of her minutes and threatened me with a "review of my employment status" if I persisted.
My response was a work of art (if I do say so myself). I have no idea where the calmness came from since, truthfully, I felt like crying hysterically or putting my fist through my laptop only moments before (to the extent that several of my colleagues had noticed and were genuinely concerned).
I briefly noted some of the 'issues' to which I had been subjected to on that day alone.
Then, acknowledged his accusation of deceit and pointed out that she had misinterpreted my words simply by juxtaposing what I had actually said with the interpretation she had placed on it and concluded that it was in all of our interests that I depart for the day without commenting further.
That preceded my first bout of stress leave.
At the time, I was relieved on two counts: mainly, that I was out of the maelstrom for a while and finally had a chance just to 'stop'. There's obviously no comparison (and I do not say it to offend; trust me I am not suggesting there is any comparison) but I could suddenly understand to a small degree what it must be like after leaving a war zone.
Secondly, I was fully aware of how close I had been to losing "it". Many times I barely managed to stop myself from reacting. Truthfully, that reaction had a 50-50 chance of being either hysterical or verbally abusive and I have no idea which it would have been had I not succeeded in stopping it.
With the full benefit of hindsight, I am not certain if trying so hard to be conciliatory was the right or wrong thing to do. From a legal standpoint, my solicitor was "over the moon". He has always said it is one of the clearest cases of unfair and unconscionable dismissal he has ever seen (and he is an expert in the field) but it's fair to say he was almost wetting his pants as he reviewed my response to the three-page letter of dismissal and my attached evidence.
As he said, it doesn't just raise questions about my former employers' competence and decency, it gets to the point where you have to query if they border on unhinged.
As he also noted, my deterioration from trying desperately to find a cooperative solution to the brink of snapping point comes through. He's asked my psych to review my daily notes and provide him with a formal opinion. For the first time, he is of the view that compensatory and punitive damages may come in to play. After cautioning me all along that he would be recommending I waive any future claims when they make a settlement offer (there is a maximum amount in Australia for unfair dismissal), he is now persuaded that he might recommend rejecting any settlement offer if a condition is attached to it that I must waive any future cause of action against them.
A major point I think I may have omitted (unbelievable as it may seem, after all of these words): they included in their letter of dismissal that they first had concerns about my performance last September and discussed with me those concerns; they considered placing me on performance management then. I was told this several months ago but assumed the HR expert had confused his dates. It turns out that they DID raise the possibility of subjecting me to performance management even before I returned to my original role (in October) and despite my annual performance assessment raising no issues whatsoever as at 30 September.
Getting to bend them over is no longer even remotely in question Mostyn; they will soon learn that.
As it comes out, I will be surprised if at least two don't lose their jobs, probably three. The HR expert who has been advising them will presumably be safe but he shouldn't be.
The viciousness of their conduct, right down to the precise timing of my dismissal and the pre-emptive decision not to pay my sick leave (which is not an illegal act only because I had not formally raised a  work cover claim even though I reserved the right to pursue one), followed by a direct breach of their obligations to pay my severance payment, has opened some doors which we should never have had to consider opening.
My solicitor warned me directly that, if it ends up in court, he will be asking them if they had ever had concerns over my mental state or worried about suicide or self-harm; he now holds the view that, at best, they can argue only reckless indifference to the possibility.
When they presumably answer "of course not, he's mentally incredibly strong", the entire question of their motivation behind this will be open for exploration. 
And, depending on the answers, for recompense in a separate cause of action.
 
I do apologise for, yet again, going into so much detail. I hope those reading this understand this is a 'therapy' of sorts for me, not an attempt to bore you all to death. In some (most!) ways, I would probably prefer no one to read these posts; in other ways, it is 'nice' to hear validation. But, hopefully, those who might gather some insight or hope from it might stumble across it.
Or those like myself who are suffering serious sleep deprivation.
 
* Another example of how my brain "issue" actually affects me now and where it has stabilised for at least 12 months. As I started the sentence, I knew that my ability to simultaneously be bordering on an emotional breakdown yet still be unemotional and calculating sounds ridiculous, and even sounded like I had multiple personalities. But, for the life of me, I could not summon the word for "multiple personality disorder" to mind. I had to Google it.
** Sorry. Another coping mechanism of mine. I adore history (not Hitler!) and the analogy of me sitting in my bunker going insane while the "enemy" pounds me relentlessly on all fronts - with me fighting for every inch of "territory" (integrity and self-respect) - amuses me. Hopefully, the analogy fails at "delusional" and long before "bullet in temple" or "escape to Argentina dressed in a frock" depending on your view of Hitler's fate.
*** No, really, ASIO. No need to knock my front door down. Deflecting all this bulltish with humour is ultimately the only way I know of not letting it drive me crazy. If I can still "dack" it, laugh it and point out that it has an embarrassingly small wiener then I still own it.
I still control it.
Which means I can tell it when to stop bothering me.
My sister, the qualified psychologist, says that's the biggest load of garbage she's ever heard. That I am just deflecting.
But it works for me because I don't use it to deflect from the issues bothering me. I think them through, work out the aspects over which I have some control or influence, and determine what I must do to deal with those aspects alone.
Then I work out how the residual aspects will affect me and accept that I can only ameliorate or deflect the consequences.
Sound remotely familiar?
 
 
 
 

I did read all of that @RamDon but  decided not to quote you. 
I hate bullies and i hate judgemental sections in the workplace whose directive is to clearly find negative in people. 
Hope you get chance to bend them over mate. Sad thing that a junior manager appears to have been promoted with a proviso of getting you out.  Her career could also be ruined for selling her soul, assuming you hurt them. 
Keep us updated, more importantly, keep on top of yourself mate x

i'm dealing with mood swings, emotional imbalance and low stress tolerance, it sometimes pushes me into depression.
The best way for me to feel better, aside from talking about it is get my sleep and eating in order and become physically
tired from some activity.  The trouble is the depression lies into my ear, what's the use, don't even try, you are worthless.
No wonder that in older times people thought depression was some kind of demons infesting them.
i am looking more and more at it as my mortal enemy, whatever it is.
 
Am impressed with this thread.
 

This thread just goes to show how common it is to have dark times in your life, and how little it is in the public domain.
I struggled whilst at University, not really understanding who I was, questioning my value to those around me. That culminated on my 20th birthday when I left my friends at the time, went home and spent some time self-harming. Luckily I didn't do much damage, but for someone who was very happy and confident before going to University, was quite a shock to me, let alone friends and family.
For me, I felt like I needed to make a change and take control back of my life which involved moving to Warsaw to teach English and be somewhere that needed me to rely on myself. Not saying that's the best option for everyone, but it worked for me. 
Fast forward 12 years and my birthday at the end of May will see me 6 years married, a dog, mortgage, job I love, friends around me and having the confidence to stand up and perform a wedding ceremony for my friends myself. (I'm not a priest by the way!). That's all on top of a great year doing 1884 Group stuff and putting myself out there for ridicule.
It's funny how life works, and I wouldn't want anybody to think I was trying to compare a low point in my life to the struggles others face, some of which are very difficult to read, but I hope I can give a shred of comfort that life can get better if you give it a chance to do so.

Mostyn, I wish I'd not been on a self imposed exile seeing this thread, not only you but some of the other replies have shocked me and also made me think about the way I post to one or two members. I'll stop to think a bit more in future.
I've not read the rest of the thread yet and there's a couple of months gap, so hopefully by now you're ok.
BUT, if you're not mate, give me a shout and we can go out for a pint.
As someone who has lost everything (and almost everyone) over the last couple of years and taken knock after knock after knock I'd be happy to have a chat to see if we can't knock some positive sense into each other. 
I can't explain why every night before I finally get to sleep, I know things are going to turn around, but I know they are. Then I wake up the next day and start thinking I'll never get out of this hole and can't and don't want to face anyone.
No matter what our views are on football, I've seen enough from you to know that underneath the forum persona is a very decent bloke with a decent heart.
You're a good lad mate, good lads eventually work through things. They need support around them to climb back up, that's all.
You've got my email address pal, I'm in Derby often enough so that it wouldn't be out of my way.
What is frightening, the amount of people I'd assume were incredibly happy and fantastically well balanced who've struggled or are struggling still. 
I'd include myself in that as well.
Blimey but what an eye opening thread.

Nice one Mafia!!! 

I think it is very easy online to make those instant judgements. It comes down to the old cliche of walking in someone else's shoes but when it is just letters on screen that isn't easy. I don't believe we as a nation are very good at talking about problems, pressure on to project a perfect life. Things like facebook were a killer for me when I was going through hard times, I'd be looking around and asking why can't I be happy, what have they got that I haven't. I hated going out, wanted to be a recluse, I felt lonely but company never put out those flames.
Once I got help, got talking, I learnt who I am, how I think, how I think I want to be seen and that I have a right to do what is best for me before others first. I learnt the stress I could handle. My dad always use to call me a closed book and it drove him crazy, but I could never tell him what was happening in my mind. Was it shame? Shame I really wasn't mentally strong? The day I finally emptied my mind was a huge relief.
My problems were a huge barrier to my happiness and to what I could achieve. A huge issue to me, was probably nothing to someone else but that doesn't matter. Our mental health is our most important and should always be given that respect.
Threads like this are a wonderful thing in encouraging and supporting each other, but the best thing is a chat in person with someone who can and will listen and a pint may make it all the sweeter.

Personal experiences - a close family member's attempt was triggered by not dealing with something from their past. They held on to it, not telling anyone, and eventually the weight of it got too much. Opportunity was there at the right/wrong time and they took it.
Second person I know was triggered by such a shocking accusation that they just did it. Not sure to this day if it was the enormity of the accusation or that it was true and that was their escape plan.
Personally, I came within days of mental breakdown not too long ago, no real reason, I guess life had beat me down for a few years, several family and money issues, unhappy at work, stressed, and always something at the back of my mind. I just noticed that I had become a zombie, unable to think or process things, almost like my head was full, and I was anxious of everything. Next day I took myself to the doctors and got put on citalapram. The next week was hell, almost as soon as I'd realised I had a problem it went into overdrive - always a taste in my throat, pounding head, nervous of everything and everybody, unable to go into busy places. Took 3 weeks off work, gave up anything that made me stressed in any way, and it calmed down a bit over that time before flaring up again. Now on escitalipram which is stronger and proving more effective. 
Thing is everybody I've shared that with is on/has been on/or has someone close on antidepressants. There really shouldn't be such a stigma. Life can get tough, if you need a helping hand coping there is medication available and it does work.
Just to add I also feel I hold my wife back and she'd be better without me on my really bad days, but that's just not true- she married me because she loves me and wouldn't change that no matter what I say. Talk to your wife and I'm sure she'll reassure you.