King Kevin

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up. One is a good looking, older retired golfer in his late sixties and the other is a gorgeous blonde in her mid-twenties.
 
The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it - This is one ferocious lion! He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment -- chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"
 
The girl says, "I'll go first."
 
She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About half way there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.
 
The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.
 
The circus owner's jaw is on the floor.
 
He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the retired golfer and asks, "Can you top that?"
 
The tough old golfer replies, "No problem, just get that lion out of the way."

Why Some Men Have Dogs And Not Wives:
 
 
1.  The later you are, the more excited your dog is to see you.
2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.
4. A dog's parents never visit.
5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.
7. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.
8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.
9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, 'If I died, would you get another dog?'
10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.
11. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.
12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.
13. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.
And last, but not least:
14. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.

A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot.
 
The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness.

Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the motorway.  You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but...
"Something happened.  I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it."

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got £9000 in insurance compensation coming and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did - better in fact! But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's £1000 an inch."
The man perks up at this. "So," the doctor says, "It's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision."
 
 
The man agrees to talk with his wife.
 
The doctor comes back the next day. "So," says the doctor, "have you spoken with your wife?"
 
"I have," says the man.
 
 
 "And what is the decision?" asks the doctor.
  
  "We're having granite worktops."

A man with  a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a


Xmas fancy  dress party


He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden

leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his

problem.  A  few days later he receives a parcel with a
note

Dear  Sir,


Please find enclosed a  Pirate's outfit. The spotted
handkerchief will cover your bald  head and with your wooden
leg you will be just right as a Pirate.

The  man is offended that the outfit  emphasizes his disability, so he
writes a letter of complaint..  A week passes and he
receives another parcel and note:

Dear  Sir,

Sorry about the previous  parcel. Please find enclosed a

monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and
with your bald head you will really look the part. 

The  man is really incandescent with rage now, because the company
has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing
attention to his bald head.  So he writes a really strong
letter of complaint.. A few days later he gets a very small
parcel  from the company with the accompanying letter:

Dear  Sir,

Please find enclosed a  tin of Golden Syrup.

We suggest you pour the tin of  Golden Syrup over your bald
head, let it harden, then stick your wooden leg up your arse and go as a toffee apple.



 

A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot.
 
The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness.

Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the motorway.  You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but...
"Something happened.  I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it."

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got £9000 in insurance compensation coming and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did - better in fact! But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's £1000 an inch."
The man perks up at this. "So," the doctor says, "It's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision."
 
 
The man agrees to talk with his wife.
 
The doctor comes back the next day. "So," says the doctor, "have you spoken with your wife?"
 
"I have," says the man.
 
 
 "And what is the decision?" asks the doctor.
  
  "We're having granite worktops."

A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot.
 
The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness.

Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the motorway.  You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but...
"Something happened.  I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it."

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got £9000 in insurance compensation coming and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did - better in fact! But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's £1000 an inch."
The man perks up at this. "So," the doctor says, "It's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision."
 
 
The man agrees to talk with his wife.
 
The doctor comes back the next day. "So," says the doctor, "have you spoken with your wife?"
 
"I have," says the man.
 
 
 "And what is the decision?" asks the doctor.
  
  "We're having granite worktops."

A man with  a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a


Xmas fancy  dress party


He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden

leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his

problem.  A  few days later he receives a parcel with a
note

Dear  Sir,


Please find enclosed a  Pirate's outfit. The spotted
handkerchief will cover your bald  head and with your wooden
leg you will be just right as a Pirate.

The  man is offended that the outfit  emphasizes his disability, so he
writes a letter of complaint..  A week passes and he
receives another parcel and note:

Dear  Sir,

Sorry about the previous  parcel. Please find enclosed a

monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and
with your bald head you will really look the part. 

The  man is really incandescent with rage now, because the company
has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing
attention to his bald head.  So he writes a really strong
letter of complaint.. A few days later he gets a very small
parcel  from the company with the accompanying letter:

Dear  Sir,

Please find enclosed a  tin of Golden Syrup.

We suggest you pour the tin of  Golden Syrup over your bald
head, let it harden, then stick your wooden leg up your arse and go as a toffee apple.



 

Fantastic well done to all concerned ,should have told him to get the sprinklers out though. that lawn looks dreadful

Fantastic well done to all concerned ,should have told him to get the sprinklers out though. that lawn looks dreadful

Jim Walker the forgotten man
As many of you know I have been for the last 18 months meeting up with the old brigade, the proper DCFC legends, the ones that put us on the map in footballing terms, the ones that made us the best team in England and got us to the European Cup semi finals, the teams of 71/72 and 74/75.
It started off as way to spend time with my Dad who was a bit lost after the loss of my mum, he is a season ticket holder now and was back in the day so I started off out on a journey that has lead us to meet most of them, one of them remains elusive and one didn’t wish to participate.
All of them have been fantastic, eager to tell stories of the great Brian Clough and the amazing fortunes of Derby County who in those bleak years of three day weeks, power blackouts, strikes and Rolls Royce nearly going under taking thousands of local jobs with it gave the people of Derby something to be proud of.
Upon meeting one of those legends, Jim Walker I was particularly struck by how at peace he was with the world, very relaxed, very friendly and by far the best story teller of them all.
Jim had not long ago lost his wife to illness so immediately him and my dad had something in common other than the love of football, he made us very welcome and gave us an open invite to go round when ever to continue with the tales.
Now most people may remember Jim as the guy who was signed by Clough & Taylor from non league football to play for Derby County and was a major part of the team that won promotion from division two in 1968/69.
He lost his place in the team to John Mcgovern but captained the reserves and stepped in when required to cover injuries of suspensions, this meant that he played only a few games in the 1971/72 season but it was his goal in a 1-0 win against Crystal Palace in late march that gave Derby both points and if you remember we won the league and finished first above dirty Leeds who were just one point behind and had a greater goal difference, so in effect Jim scored the goal that won us the First Division Championship.
Aswell as a footballer Jim is probably better known as the Aston Villa physio, he was there for around twenty years and served under many managers including Graham Taylor, Ron Atkinson, Brian Little and John Gregory, he was also the man charged with looking after Paul McGrath for many years both on and off the pitch and is spoken of in very high regard in Pauls autobiography.
He had a private practice at the Belfry for the golfers and was also the go to man at the NEC when any pop stars suffered an injury or needed attention from a physio, he worked with George Michael, Elton John, Neil Diamond, Michael Hutchence and Kylie to name a few hence him having so many fantastic stories.
Jim has also had illnesses this however does not dampen his spirit or take a smile from his face.
One thing that I was amazed to hear that Jim did not receive a medal for winning the league title despite being only one of sixteen players in that 71/72 season to have donned the shirt and scoring such a valuable goal.
When ever you see the pictures of the team celebrating and holding up their medals jim does not have one.
I approached Andy Ellis the club historian and the writer of many Derby County books and the fount of all knowledge and he confirmed it.
So we the approached the club and asked if they would support an application to Gordon Taylor of the PFA to ask if he would inturn support an application to the football league to present Jim with the medal that he should have received 46 years ago.
The club agreed and they sent the letter to Gordon Taylor who gave it his blessing and the approach was then made to the football league, this was back in February this year after the ball was started rolling in June of 2017 so it took a while.
I am delighted to say that the agreement was given and Derby County approached the very same jewellers who had made the original ones to make one for Jim, to the exact specifications of the original medals and in the same box and made from 9ct gold with all of the hall marks.
For some reason the club at this time can not be seen to publicly present Jim with the medal which is a great sadness as I thought that he was going to be able to step out on the pitch at Pride Park on the opening home game against Leeds (quite fitting as he stopped them winning the league with his goal), it is a litigious matter so I will comment no further other than to say that they did everything that they could.
So to wrap up the story I had the great honour of going to Jims house today with my dad and my son and presenting him with his long overdue medal, he had no idea that it was coming and to say that he was over whelmed is an understatement.
It was great to see his face and to have the privilege to do something like that, I had the medal at my house for a while but obviously didn’t want to post any pictures until now as it was a secret.
Not very often that you get to present a league championship winning medal on behalf of Derby County and to one of the few from those great days and can be called the legends.
We are hoping that Jim will still be able to have amore public presentation at sometime in the season at Pride Park when what ever issues are resolved.
Up the Rams !!
 

Cheers never thought of that after a couple of Havana Club 7's 

Cheers never thought of that after a couple of Havana Club 7's 

Am I missing something here ? Why do I get this crap music playing every five minutes .

This may be of interest to someone. A friend of mine has 2 tickets in a corporate box for the next England v Belgium game Thur 28th June. He paid £300 each including flights but he didn't realise when he bought them months ago that it was going to be the same day as his wedding! If you are interested, he is looking for someone to take his place.
 
 
 


It's at Queens Road Registry Office, at 4pm. The bride's name is Nicola -- she's 5'4", about 8 stone, nice tits , quite pretty, has her own income and is a really good cook. Pm for more details.

Gary Rowett. Lives local too

A man with  a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a


Xmas fancy  dress party


He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden

leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his

problem.  A  few days later he receives a parcel with a
note

Dear  Sir,


Please find enclosed a  Pirate's outfit. The spotted
handkerchief will cover your bald  head and with your wooden
leg you will be just right as a Pirate.

The  man is offended that the outfit  emphasizes his disability, so he
writes a letter of complaint..  A week passes and he
receives another parcel and note:

Dear  Sir,

Sorry about the previous  parcel. Please find enclosed a

monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and
with your bald head you will really look the part. 

The  man is really incandescent with rage now, because the company
has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing
attention to his bald head.  So he writes a really strong
letter of complaint.. A few days later he gets a very small
parcel  from the company with the accompanying letter:

Dear  Sir,

Please find enclosed a  tin of Golden Syrup.

We suggest you pour the tin of  Golden Syrup over your bald
head, let it harden, then stick your wooden leg up your arse and go as a toffee apple.



 

This may be of interest to someone. A friend of mine has 2 tickets in a corporate box for the next England v Belgium game Thur 28th June. He paid £300 each including flights but he didn't realise when he bought them months ago that it was going to be the same day as his wedding! If you are interested, he is looking for someone to take his place.
 
 
 


It's at Queens Road Registry Office, at 4pm. The bride's name is Nicola -- she's 5'4", about 8 stone, nice tits , quite pretty, has her own income and is a really good cook. Pm for more details.

A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot.
 
The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness.

Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the motorway.  You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but...
"Something happened.  I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it."

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got £9000 in insurance compensation coming and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did - better in fact! But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's £1000 an inch."
The man perks up at this. "So," the doctor says, "It's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision."
 
 
The man agrees to talk with his wife.
 
The doctor comes back the next day. "So," says the doctor, "have you spoken with your wife?"
 
"I have," says the man.
 
 
 "And what is the decision?" asks the doctor.
  
  "We're having granite worktops."

The story of a certain man .
As he stood in front of the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind St Peter.

He asked, 'What are all those clocks?' 

St. Peter answered, 'Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on earth has a Lie-Clock.

Every time you lie the hands on your clock move.' 

'Oh', said the man. 'Whose clock is that?' 

'That's Mother Teresa's', replied St. Peter. 'The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie.' 

'Incredible', said the man. 'And whose clock is that one?' 

St. Peter responded, 'That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that 
Abraham told only two lies in his entire life.'

'Where's Gordon Brown's clock?' asked the man.

'Brown's clock is in Jesus's office. He's using it as a ceiling fan.' 

A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot.
 
The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness.

Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the motorway.  You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but...
"Something happened.  I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it."

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got £9000 in insurance compensation coming and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did - better in fact! But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's £1000 an inch."
The man perks up at this. "So," the doctor says, "It's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision."
 
 
The man agrees to talk with his wife.
 
The doctor comes back the next day. "So," says the doctor, "have you spoken with your wife?"
 
"I have," says the man.
 
 
 "And what is the decision?" asks the doctor.
  
  "We're having granite worktops."

This may be of interest to someone. A friend of mine has 2 tickets in a corporate box for the next England v Belgium game Thur 28th June. He paid £300 each including flights but he didn't realise when he bought them months ago that it was going to be the same day as his wedding! If you are interested, he is looking for someone to take his place.
 
 
 


It's at Queens Road Registry Office, at 4pm. The bride's name is Nicola -- she's 5'4", about 8 stone, nice tits , quite pretty, has her own income and is a really good cook. Pm for more details.

This may be of interest to someone. A friend of mine has 2 tickets in a corporate box for the next England v Belgium game Thur 28th June. He paid £300 each including flights but he didn't realise when he bought them months ago that it was going to be the same day as his wedding! If you are interested, he is looking for someone to take his place.
 
 
 


It's at Queens Road Registry Office, at 4pm. The bride's name is Nicola -- she's 5'4", about 8 stone, nice tits , quite pretty, has her own income and is a really good cook. Pm for more details.

A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot.
 
The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness.

Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the motorway.  You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but...
"Something happened.  I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it."

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got £9000 in insurance compensation coming and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did - better in fact! But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's £1000 an inch."
The man perks up at this. "So," the doctor says, "It's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision."
 
 
The man agrees to talk with his wife.
 
The doctor comes back the next day. "So," says the doctor, "have you spoken with your wife?"
 
"I have," says the man.
 
 
 "And what is the decision?" asks the doctor.
  
  "We're having granite worktops."

Computer Logic

A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.'
'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'

A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'�
�
Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. �
�
Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.
�
The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.


�
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el computador'), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.