Fostering

[GboroRam]

The start is worse than the ongoing, to be fair. 

Form F takes quite a bit out of you, it's very personal and digs deep into your private life. Some of the personal stuff you've shared here with us will be explored in depth. 

The initial training is quite a lot squeezed into a short space of time. 

But, once the form F is done, you don't need to return to it. The training becomes a refresher course every three years. The contact invariably drops, as parents become unreliable, or face up to the reality of their situation. 

It gets better. If possible, consider making space for another bedroom, convert any big enough room and take an extra child. The income will help. Use any available ways to claim extra money - DLA if the child has any disabilities. Claim your mileage back. Speak to your SSW, ours will pay you back for one activity per week as long as you pay for one. Our boys do football and tae kwon do. You could do swimming, dance classes, rugby, Scouts - it gives them routines burns energy, and gives you a topic to write about in the interminable reports we're expected to write. 

Other than that, just keep going. Watch yourself and cover your back. The worst thing you can have happen is an allegation. You won't be told any details, and you can be put through hell. 

It's brutal at times. Would I recommend it? Honestly, no, not at the minute. But I'm not in a great place myself, but I'll keep going and things will pick up. 

I think you're in the toughest position right now, and in a few months you'll find it a lot easier. 

[Day]

3 hours ago, Mostyn6 said:

the most serious element to this is whether David will be raising them as Rams.

Joking aside, all the best Daveo. Very big thing you are doing here. Never underestimate how much influence an upbringing has on people when they're adults.

£90 for 2 Toddler kits (minus socks) already aquired.

[r4derby]

@David such a fascinating read. Thanks for sharing your thoughts (especially the frustrations)

My wife and I (and our 2 birth children) have fostered since the first lockdown. Some highs and some lows.

One from birth to 18 months. He was amazing, but then he was ours for a year and a half. The ending was best for him, as he’s now in his ‘forever home’. However, if I’m being honest, it was also one of the hardest situations I’ve been in. The grief is real. I grieved the son I had lost, even though he wasn’t technically mine. It’s lovely seeing pics of him now, happy and healthy.

We have another baby now. They’re doing equally well, but I can already feel myself attaching. It’s so tough, as you treat them like they’re yours. The meetings, forms and logs are all done by my wife (she’s the main carer, I’m a teacher) contact 3 times a week too! Right ball ache some weeks, especially the travel.

It’s tough, fostering. Some very stressful times. As @sage says, the adults are the trickiest part. But my heart has got a couple more names in it. I am father to 2 children, but really it’s more than that.

[GboroRam]

54 minutes ago, r4derby said:

@David such a fascinating read. Thanks for sharing your thoughts (especially the frustrations)

My wife and I (and our 2 birth children) have fostered since the first lockdown. Some highs and some lows.

One from birth to 18 months. He was amazing, but then he was ours for a year and a half. The ending was best for him, as he’s now in his ‘forever home’. However, if I’m being honest, it was also one of the hardest situations I’ve been in. The grief is real. I grieved the son I had lost, even though he wasn’t technically mine. It’s lovely seeing pics of him now, happy and healthy.

We have another baby now. They’re doing equally well, but I can already feel myself attaching. It’s so tough, as you treat them like they’re yours. The meetings, forms and logs are all done by my wife (she’s the main carer, I’m a teacher) contact 3 times a week too! Right ball ache some weeks, especially the travel.

It’s tough, fostering. Some very stressful times. As @sage says, the adults are the trickiest part. But my heart has got a couple more names in it. I am father to 2 children, but really it’s more than that.

We fostered two sisters. Oldest came to us aged about 6 months, and her sister was born a little after 6 months later. She came to us aged about 7 hours. 

Seeing them leave to their adoptive family broke my wife, and it was emotionally bad for me too. 

Babies are great, but I won't do it again. It was so painful. Those who can do it are a special breed, and I give you my full respect. 

[Day]

Couldn’t imagine it. You go into it knowing they are not yours, yet you treat them like your own as that’s the least they deserve, 2 months in they already feel like ours with the bond we’ve made with them.

To hear the eldest say he doesn’t want me to go to work, recognising where I work, where they live, calling it home, my Jax is no their Jax.

And to think this could be either till they are 18 or temporary, it’s just something I’m trying not to think a great deal about and will face that day whatever comes our way.

To take a baby on, see them grow to taking their first steps then leave. Brutal. Feel for you guys.

[sage]

On 21/12/2023 at 12:46, GboroRam said:

The start is worse than the ongoing, to be fair. 

Form F takes quite a bit out of you, it's very personal and digs deep into your private life. Some of the personal stuff you've shared here with us will be explored in depth. 

The initial training is quite a lot squeezed into a short space of time. 

But, once the form F is done, you don't need to return to it. The training becomes a refresher course every three years. The contact invariably drops, as parents become unreliable, or face up to the reality of their situation. 

It gets better. If possible, consider making space for another bedroom, convert any big enough room and take an extra child. The income will help. Use any available ways to claim extra money - DLA if the child has any disabilities. Claim your mileage back. Speak to your SSW, ours will pay you back for one activity per week as long as you pay for one. Our boys do football and tae kwon do. You could do swimming, dance classes, rugby, Scouts - it gives them routines burns energy, and gives you a topic to write about in the interminable reports we're expected to write. 

Other than that, just keep going. Watch yourself and cover your back. The worst thing you can have happen is an allegation. You won't be told any details, and you can be put through hell. 

It's brutal at times. Would I recommend it? Honestly, no, not at the minute. But I'm not in a great place myself, but I'll keep going and things will pick up. 

I think you're in the toughest position right now, and in a few months you'll find it a lot easier. 

I'm not sure about taking on an additional child, unless they are siblings of course.

All children come to you with trauma, subconscious trauma for younger ones. It's very easy for one child to take on the trauma of another..

Not aimed at you @GboroRamI always get cross when I see a foster carer celebrated for having 400 foster children, as if that's a great thing. I understand that some temporary care is essential, but celebrating the quantity of children coming in and out of a home is perverse to me. It should be the quality of care, the scale of the impact on people's lives. 

[r4derby]

26 minutes ago, sage said:

I'm not sure about taking on an additional child, unless they are siblings of course.

All children come to you with trauma, subconscious trauma for younger ones. It's very easy for one child to take on the trauma of another..

Not aimed at you @GboroRamI always get cross when I see a foster carer celebrated for having 400 foster children, as if that's a great thing. I understand that some temporary care is essential, but celebrating the quantity of children coming in and out of a home is perverse to me. It should be the quality of care, the scale of the impact on people's lives. 

Yeah, had that a few days ago when in a foster carer had their 50th placement. Well done them, but it’s no more important than the carer who’s had 1 placement for a longer period of time.

[r4derby]

@GboroRam to be honest, loving and treating a little baby as your own for an amount of time is one of the biggest pleasures. That little boy will always be with me, same as the little one with us now.

@David you’re already doing enough, based on the way you’ve communicated. Taking those 2 on and treating them as a father figure is so essential. Not everyone can do that. Well done for all you and your partner have done and will continue to do. There may well be grief at the end of the placement, whenever that is and however it happens. Do I regret doing it though? Not one bit

[Chester40]

The 'I'm going to be a new Dad' thread is much easier to contribute to. For most people there are universal feelings/emotions.  

Fostering brings with it a lot of different emotions and situations that people will deal with very differently. There is a lack of 'absoluteness' and certainty that is harder to deal with.

[silverback]

My son is now 40 and living in NZ with  a lovely family and he came 'home' this year to see his dear old mum and Dad.

 

I say this not to gloat but to show that there are incredible outcomes from Fostering and Adoption, as I married his Mum when he was 3 and I had to go through some gruelling stuff before I was allowed to adopt him, despite the fact that we had been together 2 years by then.

Curiously my wife also had to adopt him as well (go figure)

Despite all the issues of an abusive father etc he has grown into a fine family man and I am so proud of him. 

I am and always will be his Dad,

Keep going Dave and well done for giving these kids a chance 

[GboroRam]

3 hours ago, sage said:

I'm not sure about taking on an additional child, unless they are siblings of course.

All children come to you with trauma, subconscious trauma for younger ones. It's very easy for one child to take on the trauma of another..

Not aimed at you @GboroRamI always get cross when I see a foster carer celebrated for having 400 foster children, as if that's a great thing. I understand that some temporary care is essential, but celebrating the quantity of children coming in and out of a home is perverse to me. It should be the quality of care, the scale of the impact on people's lives. 

Of course it's a challenge, accepting children with trauma in their life. But I'm always optimistic about what we can offer, stability and love to children who need it. And one of the biggest factors that impacts a carer's ability to provide that is the pay. With our local authority paying £190 per week for a child under 12, it doesn't go far.

IPicking up from David's comment about balancing fostering and work, it's possible to be a full time carer, but it relies on the income. f you have space for three, and you can balance the children in your care (and that's a definite challenge), I feel 3 gives you a reasonable chance of providing a fulfilling lifestyle for them. It's annoying when you look at the pay and think, I could stack shelves and not be any worse off, and I'd finish work at 5pm and have a life outside of caring for children sometimes. It might sound a bit materialistic but unfortunately it's a true concern, particularly with local authority rates of pay. It's a 24/7 occupation, whether you have one or three or more. 

We've fostered 15 or so children in nearly 5 years, I'd have to count them out to be sure. 2 went to family outside of the UK, 2 returned to mum, 2 went for adoption. Plenty of breakdowns for a variety of reasons, often because social services failed us and/or the children. 3 of them are with us still. I'm very much with you on the numbers - the lower the number, the more time that carer has invested in the children they've looked after. The higher the number, likely that's a respite carer who is a godsend for the long term carers who still need a break from the intensity of caring for children after trauma. 

[Comrade 86]

On 21/12/2023 at 13:04, David said:

£90 for 2 Toddler kits (minus socks) already aquired.

Top dad-skills right there mate, but £45 a pop (with or without toddler sized socks) is an absolute liberty. It's a pet hate of mine; dads are the frontline of marketing for all football clubs, so kicking them in the nads for delivering the next generation of lifelong Derby fans (read: customers) feels off to me. Thing is, us dads (and mums) are a soft touch where their kids are concerned and the vendors exploit that to the max.

Anyways, bah humbug aside, I hope you and your newly formed clan have a wonderful first Christmas together. 

[sage]

1 hour ago, GboroRam said:

Of course it's a challenge, accepting children with trauma in their life. But I'm always optimistic about what we can offer, stability and love to children who need it. And one of the biggest factors that impacts a carer's ability to provide that is the pay. With our local authority paying £190 per week for a child under 12, it doesn't go far.

IPicking up from David's comment about balancing fostering and work, it's possible to be a full time carer, but it relies on the income. f you have space for three, and you can balance the children in your care (and that's a definite challenge), I feel 3 gives you a reasonable chance of providing a fulfilling lifestyle for them. It's annoying when you look at the pay and think, I could stack shelves and not be any worse off, and I'd finish work at 5pm and have a life outside of caring for children sometimes. It might sound a bit materialistic but unfortunately it's a true concern, particularly with local authority rates of pay. It's a 24/7 occupation, whether you have one or three or more. 

We've fostered 15 or so children in nearly 5 years, I'd have to count them out to be sure. 2 went to family outside of the UK, 2 returned to mum, 2 went for adoption. Plenty of breakdowns for a variety of reasons, often because social services failed us and/or the children. 3 of them are with us still. I'm very much with you on the numbers - the lower the number, the more time that carer has invested in the children they've looked after. The higher the number, likely that's a respite carer who is a godsend for the long term carers who still need a break from the intensity of caring for children after trauma. 

£190 a week?

Most foster carers earn more than double that for one child.

 

[sage]

1 hour ago, GboroRam said:

Of course it's a challenge, accepting children with trauma in their life. But I'm always optimistic about what we can offer, stability and love to children who need it. And one of the biggest factors that impacts a carer's ability to provide that is the pay. With our local authority paying £190 per week for a child under 12, it doesn't go far.

IPicking up from David's comment about balancing fostering and work, it's possible to be a full time carer, but it relies on the income. f you have space for three, and you can balance the children in your care (and that's a definite challenge), I feel 3 gives you a reasonable chance of providing a fulfilling lifestyle for them. It's annoying when you look at the pay and think, I could stack shelves and not be any worse off, and I'd finish work at 5pm and have a life outside of caring for children sometimes. It might sound a bit materialistic but unfortunately it's a true concern, particularly with local authority rates of pay. It's a 24/7 occupation, whether you have one or three or more. 

We've fostered 15 or so children in nearly 5 years, I'd have to count them out to be sure. 2 went to family outside of the UK, 2 returned to mum, 2 went for adoption. Plenty of breakdowns for a variety of reasons, often because social services failed us and/or the children. 3 of them are with us still. I'm very much with you on the numbers - the lower the number, the more time that carer has invested in the children they've looked after. The higher the number, likely that's a respite carer who is a godsend for the long term carers who still need a break from the intensity of caring for children after trauma. 

I had one child for 15 months, then lots of respite weekends for a year, and now one for 8.5 years. Progressed to Shared Lives now, as post care provision isn't adequate 

[Day]

3 hours ago, sage said:

£190 a week?

Most foster carers earn more than double that for one child.

 

We get £156 per child each 

[sage]

11 minutes ago, David said:

We get £156 per child each 

will that go up when you are fully trained?

just checked, it will double within a year, then go up as they get older and you do more training

 

Edited December 24, 2023 by sage

[Day]

1 hour ago, sage said:

will that go up when you are fully trained?

just checked, it will double within a year, then go up as they get older and you do more training

Not sure, haven’t asked to be honest.

[sage]

6 minutes ago, David said:

Not sure, haven’t asked to be honest.

Sorry, you have come into it via family, it was a change of career for me. 

 

[GboroRam]

6 hours ago, sage said:

I had one child for 15 months, then lots of respite weekends for a year, and now one for 8.5 years. Progressed to Shared Lives now, as post care provision isn't adequate 

I presume you're IFA not local authority. Local authority pay is half or less than agency pay. Unfortunately David, if you are with LA it doesn't go up. 

[sage]

1 minute ago, GboroRam said:

I presume you're IFA not local authority. Local authority pay is half or less than agency pay. Unfortunately David, if you are with LA it doesn't go up. 

It does in Notts who I used to work for. I was in a specialist salaried section, so didn't go into it in too much detail.  

Another area of society where people are undervalued and underpaid.