Comrade 86 Posted April 25, 2021 Share Posted April 25, 2021 he morning of the Swansea game and Wayne Rooney, Liam Rosenior and Shay Given are sat in the briefing room to discuss the big game ahead… Wazza: So what’s the plan lads? Let’s be honest, mess this up and we're done. We might actually end up having to work for a living. Rosey: I'm sure it won't come to that Wayne and even if it did, it's not like you're short of a few quid, is it? Wazza: You joking? I've not got two hub caps to rub together pal! Old Stretto got me to invest everything in this scheme of his and I've done the lot. Not Stretto's fault though, he said it was something to do with prevailing winds... Rosey: You mean prevailing market conditions? Wazza: Yeah, them too Rosey: (shakes head) Sorry to hear that Wayne. Finding a sound investment can be tricky. What was it and what went wrong, if you don't mind me asking? Wazza: Technology-free retreats for gibbons... Rosey: What?!? Wazza: You know, them monkeys in Gibraltar that keep nicking everyone's' mobys. Stretto said they were getting hooked on social media so we were gonna run phone-free camps to help them break their addiction. After all, people come to see them slinging their poo about, not spending all day staring at their phones posting on feckin Facebook and Insta. It was a real problem apparently. All fell through with the feckin lockdowns though. No tourists, no phones. Unlucky really. Stretto says the cash is all gone now. Shame as we were gonna roll it out in the UK too. It could have been mint... Rosey: (looking bemused) But there are no monkeys in the UK Wazza... Wazza: Listen to you! Think you know more than Stretto, do ya? Let's face it, that man's a magician with money.. Rosey: (smirking) Seems he specialises in disappearing acts... Given bursts out laughing. Wayne looks confused and annoyed Wazza: What are you laughing at? Think it's funny do you? Given: Errrr, no boss, sorry I was just thinking about something the wife said... Wazza: Anyway, he says I'll have to keep working for a while yet but he already has another scheme lined up once I've got a few million set aside Rosey: What's that then, or is it subject to NDA Wazza: Eh? What's rap music got to do with it? Given: I think Liam means NDA not NWA boss Wazza: What? Given: Never mind boss, I must have misheard you... Wazza: Anyway, it's AstroTurf. It's basically grass but it doesn't need watering. It's gonna be huge... Rosey: Errr, artificial surfaces have been around a while Wayne... Wazza: Yeah but Stretto has seen an angle that nobody else has... Given: What's that boss? Wazza: For cars! AstroTurf for feckin cars! What did I tell ya! Proper blue-sea thinking huh... Rosey: Blue-sky? Wazza: Yeah, that too... Given and Rosie exchange a bewildered look but say nothing Wazza: Anyway, enough of that, what about this Swansea game then? Rosey: Well... As the Championship specialist, I think I ought to be the one to formulate a new strategy for this game. I know you like to do things your own way, but as you say, it’s a must-win game… Wazza: Just as long as you know who’s in charge fella… What’s your thinking? Rosey: Well, we’ve tried to bamboozle sides recently by playing exactly the same way they do and that hasn’t really worked. I think we can agree on that… Wazza: Ok then Smarty McSmartypants, what’s your genius idea? Rosey: I have a few actually... How about swapping the players around a bit. Central players out wide, wide players in the middle kind of thing.. Given: We've already tried that Rosey: Ok, what about snoozeball? We could play a coma-inducing number of sideways and backwards passes until the opposition literally fall asleep, then when they do, we march up the pitch and score... Given: Tried that too... Rosey: How about we play all the kids together then bring on the best lads 2 minutes before the end of the game? A sort of stealth attack... Given: Done that Rosey: Wisdom upfront? Given: Done... Rosey: 6 CDMs in the same team? Given: Done... Rosey: Rush goalie? Given: No, no, no! It's a specialised position. Goalies win games, you know! Rosey: (laughing) Not at this club they don't... Wazza cuts in Wazza: Come on! I mean is this really the best we've got? Rosey: Well, I did think we could maybe try to play to our own strengths? Given: Bit left-field mate! Borderline mental if you ask me... Wazza: Sorry Liam, but I have to agree with Shay here. What are this bunch of busy little Gibsons good at anyway, apart from making us look like fools? Rosey: Well, we have a bit of pace and flare on the flanks. We could maybe look to get the ball wide from time to time? Wazza: (looks at Given) Given: (coughs nervously) Err yeah, sounds good to me… Wazza: Oh it does, does it?!?! The only time any of this lot show any pace is when there’s a free roast and a piss-up at The Joiners. The one time that feckin Tommy Lawrence has kicked in the after-burners was when he was running away from the scene of an accident. Sometimes I think he must be a Scouser, not a bloody daffodil botherer. Given: Err, yeah, no… that’s what I meant. I meant, I don’t agree Wazza: See Liam, this is why I got the big gig. All your highfalutin ideas all sound lovely and all that, but in the real world... Shay, do you have anything to say? How are we going to shore up our defence? I gave you one job to do pal and one job only. Have to say, you’ve not covered yourself in glory so far… Given: Errr, I have been trying boss, it’s just not really working out at the moment Wazza: We can all see that ya fool. The question is why? Our defence has more holes than a shopping basket… Given: Errr, not really sure boss Wazza: Well why the duck not pal? Surely you must have some idea? Given: Errrr, to be honest Wazza, I was a goalie and I don’t really know much about football, you know, the kicking the ball around bit anyway. Teaching keepers to deal with crosses, that’s more my thing really… Rosey: (snorts) Wazza: I don’t know what you’re laughing at pal. What else have you got then? Rosey: Urmmmm….. Wazza: Well? We haven’t got all day fella! Rosey: Well, I do have one idea...How about we pick our strongest 11 and play them in their best positions. We ask them to play with a bit of tempo, pass and move, get the ball swiftly to the fliers, get them to actually take on their man, get to the by-line and swing in some of those killer crosses we know they have in them. You know, get the ball to Colin, create some chances... Wazza: And? Rosey: And what Wazza? Wazza: And what happens next, ya clown? Rosey: Well to be fair you’re putting me on the spot now Wazza and I’d need more time to develop a specialised plan such as this… Wazza: FFS sake pal, you must have some idea, surely! Rosey: Well maybe Colin could head it back across goal, or pass it to someone else? Clearly other teams will expect him to go for goal but I reckon we could flummox them completely by simply refusing to try and score. Bit radical maybe, but it might work… Rooney stands up red-faced and raging, overturns the table sending the coffee cups and Rosey’s pad and crayons flying Wazza: Go and put some cones out ya pair of feckin eejits, before I box ya feckin ears. Stupidest ideas I've ever heard. You'll be suggesting nappies for dogs next... Given: Actually dog nappies are a thing boss... Wazza: duck OFF!!!!! Rosey and Given scurry out the room. Wazza picks up the phone and dials reception. Receptionist: Hello this is reception, how can I direct your call? Wazza: Is that old git McClaren in today? Receptionist: Putting you through now Mr Rooney The phone rings three times, then Steve McClaren picks up Mac: Hi, this is Steve.. Wazza: Hey, Stevie boy, how are ya soft lad? Not spoken in a while... Mac: (long pause) ... Yeah, that'd be because you the last time we spoke you told me to duck off and mind my own business, Wayne... Wazza: Ah. Stevie boy, I was only messin. How's tricks anyway? Did you call that hair replacement mob I put you onto? Mac: (another long pause) Actually I didn't Wayne. What was it I can help you with? Wazza: Ah, nothing really, just calling for a chat... What about them Swansea lads eh? Me and the lads have come up with a fail-proof way to beat them. Nailed on it is... Mac: Glad to hear it Wayne. Look, I'm really quite busy at the moment what with the takeover. What was it you wanted? Wazza: Well, me and the lads were just wondering how old-timers like you would have approached the game, ya know, back in the day like. We don't need any help, obviously, it's just we've had a small bet on how you'd do things and we were... Mac: ... duck off Shrek (hangs up) Wazza: (Muttering) Cheeky bar steward! Well don't say I never asked for your input, you baldy, old twit Looks at the floor Wazza: Oooh, boss crayons, them... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tyler Durden Posted April 25, 2021 Share Posted April 25, 2021 Flip me did you also write the script for Gone with the Wind Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Olton Ram Posted April 25, 2021 Share Posted April 25, 2021 Is there a shorter summary? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pearl Ram Posted April 25, 2021 Share Posted April 25, 2021 8 minutes ago, Olton Ram said: Is there a shorter summary? Yes, yes there is... WR Steve, help... SMc duck off Wayne. ? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Olton Ram Posted April 25, 2021 Share Posted April 25, 2021 8 minutes ago, Pearl Ram said: Yes, yes there is... WR Steve, help... SMc duck off Wayne. ? Okay, thanks for that. I thought I was going to have to go through the whole thing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ram-a-lama fa fa fa Posted April 25, 2021 Share Posted April 25, 2021 think ill wait for the film to come out Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rammy03 Posted April 25, 2021 Share Posted April 25, 2021 This is brilliant Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Yani P Posted April 25, 2021 Share Posted April 25, 2021 This will be on Football League World tomorrow saying..."sources close to the club claim...." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dean (hick) Saunders Posted April 25, 2021 Share Posted April 25, 2021 Kept me amused for a while Mr Hair Nice one.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BathRam72 Posted April 25, 2021 Share Posted April 25, 2021 Bloody hell. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rev Posted April 26, 2021 Share Posted April 26, 2021 I'll read it later but I applaud the effort, well done Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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