1967Ram

It hurt me reading this and I can’t even guess what thoughts are running a whirlwind around your head and what emotions tug away at your heart. I just hope, and it’s a small hope, that writing down what you did, gave you some comfort of clarity. X

So, yer mam dies in her early 40's, when you are 16.  2 years later, yer dad dies, still in his 40's, albeit 49.  This leaves you, as an 18 year old only boy, 3 elder sisters (21, 24 & 27), and the baby of the bunch, little sis who is still only 9 at this stage.
I guess what happens next is you start to wonder... will I manage to live a bit longer than my parents?... who will be the first sibling to cop it... and when!
Those thoughts have never left me.  4 of us have since lived longer than our parents, thankfully.  Baby sis has now lived longer than mum, and is closing in on the age dad was, so all good there, I guess.
I have to admit, on the day I equalled Dad's age, I was a little bit emotional, if truth be told.  Relief?  Guilt?  No idea, but it was a weird feeling!
But the one thing I have literally been dreading since being left an "orphan"... over 39 years ago now... is the first of us siblings going. 
...It happened last night! 

The sister up from me (so the third eldest) lasted until she was 60.... and two months.  I guess we shouldn't moan, given the family history, but I can't describe the gut-wrenching feeling, now the first one of us has gone!  This is the day I have been dreading for over 39 bloody years!
Depressed?  No.  Not in the true sense.
Anxious?  You bet!
Stress?  Not yet, but I'm sure that will come, as we try and help our 24 year old nephew (Sis's only child) through the next few days, weeks, and maybe even years.  Lot's to do.  Lot's to sort out.  Him and us.  There's no-one else to do it!
The first of my siblings gone... out of the blue... no warning!  Suddenly, I no longer feel immortal!
Eldest sis (67 next month) is feeling guilty, not being the first to go!
Baby sis is distraught, and now has to face her first close-relative mourning since becoming a 9 year old orphan!
Being old fashioned, I feel the need to take the lead.  To be practical.  The only boy, and all that!  Time to become a man!  Time to take charge, I guess, and stay strong for my remaining 3 sisters, and my nephew... but I can't help but feel vulnerable this morning, if truth be told.
Thankfully, I have the strongest, most wonderful wife tight by my side, so all is not lost!
I'm sure I'm not the first to lose a sibling, of course, but right now, feeling the way I do, a feeling I've never experienced before, is daunting to say the least.
It feels different to losing a parent.  It feels different to losing a granddaughter at 1 hour old.  Maybe not worse.  Maybe not easier.  But closer, I guess.  More frightening.  Too close for comfort!
Not looking for sympathy.  Just an ear.  Just a shoulder to lean on.  I may be back, I may not.  Having not been through this particular emotion, I really don't know what happens next!
 
PS:
Yes... yesterday's game really was poo, wasn't it!
 

Just want to make a quick point whilst i think about it because i believe this to be VERY important.
Yesterday, looking back at my activity on the forum i was probably at my wittiest (if i do say so myself) and seemingly happiest.
This couldn't be further from the truth.
I spent most of the day waiting on a phone call from my Mum as my Grandma was in hospital getting results from some tests. All day i was in another world with worry. This forum, in particular the Paddy Padster thread was a huge outlet for me in which i genuinely enjoyed in the midst of worry.
There isn't a particularly happy ending to the day either as it seems the results showed cancer. The rest of the day was a blur of giving support and trying to process the news for myself.
 
I suppose the message is... You really don't know what is going on at the other side of peoples computer screens, so try and be nice to each other.
 
Also, i suppose i should offer a bit of thanks to @David . For giving us this outlet. However, i must stress, this is the only thing you're good for.

1/  Teach them the difference between "of" and "have". 
2/  When they are sad, pat them on the head, and say "Their, There, They're"
3/  DCFC "lose" games.  Women from Nott***ham are "Loose".  There's a difference!
4/  Do not encourage them to play Peek-a-BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!  It becomes a bad habit!
5/  @Boycie isn't actually that funny bloke from the telly... or anywhere else, for that matter!
6/  Teach them the difference between an eye and a horn.  (No smut please... children are reading!)
7/  If they ain't truly into The Rams by the time they are 12, let them know the freebie season tickets run out, and you ain't wasting your money on a ticket for them... I'm looking at you, Grandson!
8/  If they are ever sick, tell them never to declare "I've add more van free", as someone may be filming them!
9/  @Red_Dawn  is actually a man, despite having a girls name, so do not speak to him... and never accept sweets off him... he's a baddie!
10/  Avoid anything with 2 stars... Hotels, restaurants, football shirts... 
 

Did you buy a telly after the fourth one?

First off...congratulations!
You seriously dont need advice on how to be a parent, it will just come naturally! Sure you will pick up tips along the way but everyone does parenting in a way that suits their circumstances, all kids are not the same and consequently all parenting is not the same.
You will find that you parenting evolves to suit your own personal situation.
There is only one piece I would ever give in relation to parenting and that is, enjoy every second of it because time flies, kids grow up so fast and you never know what is round the corner!
Enjoy!

I don't think I can say this without sounding a dick, but I'm going to hope you get it anyway...
I'm comfortably well off, but my missus passed away. I'd reverse those things in a heartbeat.
Life deals harsh cards sometimes; people and employers can be shitbags. You'll get through being skint, so long as you stick together for each other...and then you won't be skint, and you'll be stronger for the shared effort. Good luck SSD.

My previous incarnation as Needles quit when I was having an especially hard time. I needed it.
I could just have logged out and left it alone for a few months, but that didn't feel right at the time.
All I say to anyone leaving or thinking about it, for whatever reason, is don't be afraid to come back.
At the end of the day, it's about football, and Derby County, and it's supposed to be fun, despite how seriously we all take it sometimes.
 

Sorry to hear that you're feeling down at the moment Paul and also going through a challenging time with your meds. If you feel like taking a break from the Forum do so, but I wouldn't make any permanent decisions until you've had time to reflect and know that the decision- either way - is the right one for you.
I don't know whether it will help you to know that whilst I appear, to you at least, to have a calm head and sensible approach on here, I do get angry and annoyed by some posts and particularly some posters. I suspect I also annoy the same posters as we have very different outlooks on life.
I have typed many an angry response at times on here but somehow always baulk at hitting that send button. I leave it in the editor until next time I visit, by which time the debate has usually moved on or I have calmed down a bit! 
I value your contributions on here, as I do David's,  The Revs and 86 Schmokes. I probably missed what exchanges took place that triggered your post and the responses above as I am struggling to keep up with all the discussions right now, but I hope that whatever they were that they can be put in perspective by all concerned. It's a bit like family (or mates) on here; we disagree from time to time but always forgive each other.
I hope you are reading still and will reconsider. 

Well the last few posts have been a pretty depressing read.  
Team hug everyone.

Great band IMO:
 

All good at the moment thanks. Always ups and downs but that's life. Need to work on my resilience. 
 
Thanks a lot for thinking of me!

Yeah I'm feeling a lot more positive mentally speaking.
Not quite through the black dog, but the light at the end of the tunnel is within touching distance.
 

I can't tell you how happy it makes me for you to say that. I'm so glad that my ramblings have been able to help in some way. It was my intention, partly because I was coming out of a very tough period myself and I told myself that it was all temporary. I feel it's important that any of us don't get bogged down in the here-and-now. I just hope you're feeling better - you've got an entire community of people on here all behind you. 

feel free to expand if you want to sounds us out. It's all down to how comfortable you are with revealing it, but you're unknown to me, and I imagine a lot of the forum, so you're as good as anonymous. You might be surprised by a) how relieved you feel just putting stuff down into words and b) how many people understand it all, have been through similar and can give some good basic advice on coping.
Remember, you're not alone. 

Doggo update....he's fully mended.
First time at the beach yesterday, wonderful.

Ay up bud. Yes, thanks for asking. Even rediscovering his woof a little. Back to the vets on Saturday, but no cause for concern....except 10 days without a bath now, stuck in his wound protection onesie. He reeks.

I don't like that mentality though. People have different breaking points and I think too many people on their arse are kind of trapped because they haven't actually got anything wrong. They're not ill, they have no money issues, they have a family, enjoy their job etc. 
Sometimes people just break and they shouldn't have to worry about how valid it is. If you're on your arse then you're on your arse. No jokes intended there. 
 
 

Yeah, not going to lie I have some days which are harder than others, but it’s going to wear you down but that’s natural, especially when it involves your digestive system and how you fuel your body. 
Keep the brain active and busy, helps a ton. Start Uni next month which will be interesting, add a new string to my bow, signed up with the year initially with an eye on staying longer to complete a degree.
See how the puns go down to pad out assignments!

Doggo update: He's on the mend. Very relieved. Thanks for your best wishes all.
Just to got to go through 2 weeks of keeping him out of mischief now!

That’s the clip that shook me, looked a bloke about to cuddle a dog ? ?

Since my wife died, it's been a bit of a scrap to keep plodding on, but I've been making progress. Back at work, back talking objectionable poo on here, trying to get out and about...
Aside from our kids, the biggest thing that's dragged me out of bed to do anything in a morning has been our dog. He's a lovely lad and I've been completely converted from cat person to dog person. My late wife always wanted a pup as a girl but her old man wouldn't have it, so when we found out she was terminally ill we got him to tick it off her bucket list. Not only is he a link to my late wife, but his complete devotion to us and bouncy enthusiasm helps bond us together.
He's only 18 months old, but he's sick. I've been up with him since first light and just had to drop him at the vet for various tests. He's been sick till there's nothing but bile, not drinking, not moving, struggling to breathe and I'm scared of what they're going to find. 
Watching him helpless, hoping for every next breath, the echoes of nursing my missus in her last weeks are ripping all the old wounds open. If he goes, I'm never again having another living thing in my life I care a poo about. The pain of caring and losing isn't worth the joy.
ducking savage low this morning. 

Members of the forum that use the word “spunked” as opposed to spent or wasted, it’s not big and it’s not clever it is however uncouth and immature to me. 

Having shared my health issues on the defunct podcast, I figured I would give an update to the regular listeners, if anyone else is interested read on. Will be a long post, definitely not looking for any kind of sympathy, if anything I am an absolute idiot for trying to wait it out.
If anyone follows my Instagram or Twitter will probably be aware I had a bit of a rough day yesterday, just wasn't up for coming on the forum despite the humour which was on display about the situation. 
For those that didn't listen to the podcast, around 3 years ago in the August whilst taking a multivitamin I swallowed my partial denture for a tooth I broke and had to have removed. This partial denture covered the room of my mouth, it's not a small thing to swallow.
Since that went down the hatch I have had nothing stomach issues ever since, quite bad, but chose to tough it out.
I went to A&E where I had X-Rays, nothing, it was only after they questioned me more on the denture and when they realised it had no metal it was a complete waste of time. Was sent home with funny looks and told to return if I had any chest pains. Never had any and a few weeks passed, nothing else as far as I'm aware I had crippling pain in my stomach so went into A&E, X-Ray'd me again and the verdict was I was full of poo. Literally.
Drink plenty of water and I would be fine, wasn't concerned by the denture at all. 
Then nothing, nothing but more pain. Every day. Anxiety set it, toilet trips had become horrendous adventures. I tried various diets, gluten free, low fodmap which I'm still on to this day despite it not really helping. I have taken a bit of stick for not going to games for the last season, season and half, but when some days it's a challenge to even get off the toilet, travelling 2 and half hours to Pride Park and bouncing in the South Stand with Lampard would not have been good. 
Actually tried to make a U23 game one night, guessed with less fans toilets wouldn't be the same issue. Had to turn back half way there due to traffic, got stuck in a pile up over a crash and wouldn't have made kick off. 
Season ticket still renewed for this season, determined to get back on my feet and back in the SS, takes away the whole should I buy a match ticket or not. Call me weird but also this club has supported the forum a lot, £400 on a season ticket supports them back. Every penny counts in this FFP world.
Anyhow, in the 3 years I have gone from a unhealthy (due to alcohol and KFC) 18st 5lb stone to 10st 10lb, XL to S, 38" waist to 31". I was always thin until I hit 21, then everything I ate stuck to me like glue because of the alcohol.
I went to a GP in the January but due to the anxiety they didn't think I would be up for the MRI, had to sort the anxiety first, which he believed was giving me the pains, but wasn't willing to give me anything for it. I wasn't up for being a zombie and was told he can see I'm mentally strong enough to get over this with coping mechanisms which I already reeled off a list to him. I've read a lot on anxiety and I mean a lot. I'm an unprofessional expert. Kinda.
So that's where it really got left. Truth to be told the anxiety hasn't improved, pains have got worse. And then yesterday. Well it started on Wednesday night where I visited the toilet every hour from 5pm, through the night, barely slept. Eat 3 Vindaloo's back to back and that might trigger the same reaction. Now baring in mind my diet is down to pretty much potato, chicken, fish something wasn't right.
Yesterday around 10.30 emptying what seemed to be a never ending supply of rear sewage I had a sharp pain in my stomach, how I'm guessing you would feel had you been stabbed. My stomach went numb an pretty much took my legs away from me. Crawled back to the sofa, with an odd numb, throbbing pain.
Home alone, as I was when swallowing the denture I freaked out a little, thought this was the day I had been waiting for convinced this denture would rupture something. Crawled to the front door to unlock it as the plan was to ring an ambulance, the pain was that severe when trying to walk just brought me back to my knees.
11.18am and 4 minutes on the phone to 999 they suggested I either walk to the hospital or go to my local GP before advising me to ring 111 before disconnecting. I wasn't life threatening to them.
111 was a 20 minute call, trying to replay a story to someone on the phone wasn't easy in so much pain but the 2nd operator in agreed to send an ambulance but I'm not priority and would be with me within 2 hours.
Phoned the missus, no answer. She works an hour away.
Used my second life line and phoned a friend who dragged me into his car, on arriving at the hospital the queue for A&E reception was out the main doors. This would have been an hour wait just to get to reception so we went back to mine to wait out for the ambulance. 
Ambulance arrived just after 4pm, 5hrs later, by now the pain had dulled a little but the paramedics were concerned and hauled me in the back and wheeled me off to hospital, bypassing all the walk ins I was put on a IV straight away and looked at super quick.
I will skip the next further 5 hours of what he and she said, but after a finger up the rear and 5 hours of tests my blood showed inflammation of the bowl.
The surgeon I think she said she was, debated over a CT scan last night, keeping me in or letting me go and come back in the morning. It was to check for signs of Colitis or Diverticulitis which they believe it is.
I questioned if the denture would show on this, what denture? I then had to explain from the start again how the pains all started from this, quickly scuttled away to speak with the registrar after informing me they will probably scan me tonight and keep me in.
10 minutes later, I'm told it's highly unlikely, almost impossible that the denture is still inside me after this long. They have seen much large items pass through the system and out the other end. Not convinced I keep pushing her on this, and told you would be surprised what the human body can do. Missus gave me the I told you so look. As they do.
Also because of the material a CT scan would not show it up. On the advice from this unseen registrar the denture was not any concern, that's long gone, Colitis or Diverticulitis is the main concern and to have this confirmed they need to run a Colonoscopy. 
I pushed for a MRI scan still believing this all can't be a coincidence with the timing but was told they wouldn't do one just for my peace of mind, I argued the case of the bloke that swallowed a plastic fork and was in him for 10 years which I read online, I was told to stay off the internet, no chance.
So that's basically where I am. Trawling through Colitis information last night, all sounds like me, even have the mouth ulcers and dodgy joints to go with it. Sounds plausible and despite being a life long condition after this long I have no fear over a diagnosis as medication is available, if I can return to a "normal" life whilst managing the symptoms it's better than the alternative of nothing found, MRI now....oh look the denture, under the knife you go and selling my story to The Sun for £100.
As I say, the reason I'm posting this isn't sympathy, definitely don't want any, my own fault for doing a Nigel Pearson for 3 years, I should have been hammering down the GP door every week. 
That's your update and as for the podcast, maybe one day if they figure this out, don't want to commit to anything when I feel so crap.