ronnieronalde

I find myself reading this thread more than the main forum these days.
Everybody is different, everyone of us handles things differently. I'm at the stage similar to @David managed to turn things around but still occasionally angry with myself for "losing" the 2 years I lost.
Like Ramit, I find writing poetry helps a lot and it was probably writing and then reading back this over and over that helped me snap out of it, made me remember that underneath it all, I'm a good lad.
Love You
What do you do when you've stopped loving you?
When you hate yourself for the things that you do and don’t do.
When you keep punishing yourself for all that you’ve done.
When those you loved have left you. When they've long since gone.

When you see your own reflection and hate the way that you look.
When you’re ashamed to admit that you couldn’t give a ****.
When you don’t go to bed 'cos you can’t face the dreams you have while sleeping
When you hate the thought of waking up cos all you do is keep on weeping.

When you can’t stand to look at yourself through your own eyes.
When your disgust is focused on one person and it’s you, you despise.
When you open your own mouth and all you hear is lie after lie
When you’ve given up on yourself so badly, that you don’t even try.

When you tell those around you, that of course you’re alright.
When you’re secretly wishing they’d just get out of your sight.
When you can’t admit that you’re not feeling well to anyone who asks.
When you can’t even begin to complete the simplest of tasks.

When it’s been so long since anything went right.
When you know deep inside you can no longer fight.
When you go four or five days without taking a shower.
When you can’t move from your room, cos you don’t have the power.

So please God come and tell me what should I do?
Have You ever been to that place when You’ve stopped loving You?
Why can’t I stop hating everything about me?
Why can’t I open my eyes to the good stuff, why can’t I let myself see?

When will I stop trying to hide?
When will I stop dying inside?
Whatever it is that I’m trying, I’ve still had no luck.
I’m still lying, I’m still crying and I still don’t give a ****.

What do you do when you no longer love you?
Please don’t ask me cos I haven't got a clue.
All I can do is keep my eyes open day after day.
And hope the self-loathing vanishes, keep praying it goes away.

Must have taken some balls to write that and put it down for all to see. Very poignant in places Ronnie.
There was only one but that stood out though for me amongst all
'Im a good lad......'
Your words not mine nor anybody else's. Use this simple phrase and build on it because there is a strong possibility that it's true. You just have to believe it more. Believe in yourself.
 

I find myself reading this thread more than the main forum these days.
Everybody is different, everyone of us handles things differently. I'm at the stage similar to @David managed to turn things around but still occasionally angry with myself for "losing" the 2 years I lost.
Like Ramit, I find writing poetry helps a lot and it was probably writing and then reading back this over and over that helped me snap out of it, made me remember that underneath it all, I'm a good lad.
Love You
What do you do when you've stopped loving you?
When you hate yourself for the things that you do and don’t do.
When you keep punishing yourself for all that you’ve done.
When those you loved have left you. When they've long since gone.

When you see your own reflection and hate the way that you look.
When you’re ashamed to admit that you couldn’t give a ****.
When you don’t go to bed 'cos you can’t face the dreams you have while sleeping
When you hate the thought of waking up cos all you do is keep on weeping.

When you can’t stand to look at yourself through your own eyes.
When your disgust is focused on one person and it’s you, you despise.
When you open your own mouth and all you hear is lie after lie
When you’ve given up on yourself so badly, that you don’t even try.

When you tell those around you, that of course you’re alright.
When you’re secretly wishing they’d just get out of your sight.
When you can’t admit that you’re not feeling well to anyone who asks.
When you can’t even begin to complete the simplest of tasks.

When it’s been so long since anything went right.
When you know deep inside you can no longer fight.
When you go four or five days without taking a shower.
When you can’t move from your room, cos you don’t have the power.

So please God come and tell me what should I do?
Have You ever been to that place when You’ve stopped loving You?
Why can’t I stop hating everything about me?
Why can’t I open my eyes to the good stuff, why can’t I let myself see?

When will I stop trying to hide?
When will I stop dying inside?
Whatever it is that I’m trying, I’ve still had no luck.
I’m still lying, I’m still crying and I still don’t give a ****.

What do you do when you no longer love you?
Please don’t ask me cos I haven't got a clue.
All I can do is keep my eyes open day after day.
And hope the self-loathing vanishes, keep praying it goes away.

I find myself reading this thread more than the main forum these days.
Everybody is different, everyone of us handles things differently. I'm at the stage similar to @David managed to turn things around but still occasionally angry with myself for "losing" the 2 years I lost.
Like Ramit, I find writing poetry helps a lot and it was probably writing and then reading back this over and over that helped me snap out of it, made me remember that underneath it all, I'm a good lad.
Love You
What do you do when you've stopped loving you?
When you hate yourself for the things that you do and don’t do.
When you keep punishing yourself for all that you’ve done.
When those you loved have left you. When they've long since gone.

When you see your own reflection and hate the way that you look.
When you’re ashamed to admit that you couldn’t give a ****.
When you don’t go to bed 'cos you can’t face the dreams you have while sleeping
When you hate the thought of waking up cos all you do is keep on weeping.

When you can’t stand to look at yourself through your own eyes.
When your disgust is focused on one person and it’s you, you despise.
When you open your own mouth and all you hear is lie after lie
When you’ve given up on yourself so badly, that you don’t even try.

When you tell those around you, that of course you’re alright.
When you’re secretly wishing they’d just get out of your sight.
When you can’t admit that you’re not feeling well to anyone who asks.
When you can’t even begin to complete the simplest of tasks.

When it’s been so long since anything went right.
When you know deep inside you can no longer fight.
When you go four or five days without taking a shower.
When you can’t move from your room, cos you don’t have the power.

So please God come and tell me what should I do?
Have You ever been to that place when You’ve stopped loving You?
Why can’t I stop hating everything about me?
Why can’t I open my eyes to the good stuff, why can’t I let myself see?

When will I stop trying to hide?
When will I stop dying inside?
Whatever it is that I’m trying, I’ve still had no luck.
I’m still lying, I’m still crying and I still don’t give a ****.

What do you do when you no longer love you?
Please don’t ask me cos I haven't got a clue.
All I can do is keep my eyes open day after day.
And hope the self-loathing vanishes, keep praying it goes away.

i am better at talking about how i am feeling than writing about it, but if i do i make it into a poem
Some weeks, this is me
Bleak
i am so sad and i don't know why
something good has passed me by
and every thought within my head
is poisoned by a pitch black dread

i am so tired and i cannot sleep
my anguish is intense and deep
and thinking of it i have observed
something inside say it's deserved

i am so bewildered am feeling ill
i swear it's all against my will
i want to break free into the light
but feel too weak to put up a fight

i am so afraid that i will fail
to escape out of this awful jail
pray to God to give me strength
and help me go to any length
 

I've remained fairly silent in this thread, not really wanting to jump in as I may come across as an ******** and offend someone when it's not my intention at all. Members that have been on this forum for a long time will know I was diagnosed with sever anxiety where I barely left the house for around 5 years, my girlfriend at the time left me and I was a complete mess. So I'm only talking from personal experience combined with what I read over the years, I'm certainly no medical expert or will ever claim to be.
Erase the word depression from your dictionary, it's a word that is a huge umbrella trying to cover many issues, some of which may not even be mental disorders. It's an awful word and one that is used too lightly in everyday conversations. There isn't even any clear guidelines as to what "depression" is.
I could walk into a doctors this morning and within 5 minutes walk out with a anti depressants prescription and signed off work with very little effort and those twice a day before meal tablets will make you feel better but they are also masking the root cause of what is making you unhappy.
Analogy time, you're in debt, bills keep rolling through the door, final payment demand letters and you're putting them straight in the bin without warning. At some point those unopened letters will end up in bigger problems with bailiffs banging at your door.
Best thing to do? open the letters and deal with them, make the call, explain your situation and that's exactly what you should do if you are feeling unhappy, talk to a loved one, explain how you're feeling and break down in tears if you need to, just be completely open with them and hide nothing. Those sleepless nights are you trying to deal with things alone, all the lads will know this but how good does it feel when you unload on to the missus?.......this is no different, unload those thoughts as well and you will feel 10x better I swear. (If you are single you will need a close friend, family member or relative to unload on but just the thoughts, they may not appreciate the other)
Next step is to make changes, if you look back through this topic many possibly without realising have listed the root causes to their unhappiness, change it. Change isn't always easy but neither is sleepless nights and going through days thinking whats the point of me even being here. 
For some it may take weeks, months of talking to get down to the root cause but there always is a root cause for most people. Theres always that one thing be it your wife, job that you can change.
You only live once, no second chances at all this, the days, weeks, months soon mount up and wether you're young or old it's time you will never get back. I lost pretty much 5 years of my twenties, kick myself in the balls everyday for that, time lost as I chose to be the man and try to deal with those little issues by myself which snowballed into one huge ****** that blocked the front door.
Never no matter what age just accept it's part of you, just the way you are!
Just to end on I do realise that sometimes people have issues where change and talking won't help, they are wired up wrong and need medical help. Also feeling unhappy can be down to a loved one where change is not an option, death unfortunately is a part of life that is not always easy to get your head around when it happens to someone close. 

Mostyn, I wish I'd not been on a self imposed exile seeing this thread, not only you but some of the other replies have shocked me and also made me think about the way I post to one or two members. I'll stop to think a bit more in future.
I've not read the rest of the thread yet and there's a couple of months gap, so hopefully by now you're ok.
BUT, if you're not mate, give me a shout and we can go out for a pint.
As someone who has lost everything (and almost everyone) over the last couple of years and taken knock after knock after knock I'd be happy to have a chat to see if we can't knock some positive sense into each other. 
I can't explain why every night before I finally get to sleep, I know things are going to turn around, but I know they are. Then I wake up the next day and start thinking I'll never get out of this hole and can't and don't want to face anyone.
No matter what our views are on football, I've seen enough from you to know that underneath the forum persona is a very decent bloke with a decent heart.
You're a good lad mate, good lads eventually work through things. They need support around them to climb back up, that's all.
You've got my email address pal, I'm in Derby often enough so that it wouldn't be out of my way.
What is frightening, the amount of people I'd assume were incredibly happy and fantastically well balanced who've struggled or are struggling still. 
I'd include myself in that as well.
Blimey but what an eye opening thread.

Mostyn, I wish I'd not been on a self imposed exile seeing this thread, not only you but some of the other replies have shocked me and also made me think about the way I post to one or two members. I'll stop to think a bit more in future.
I've not read the rest of the thread yet and there's a couple of months gap, so hopefully by now you're ok.
BUT, if you're not mate, give me a shout and we can go out for a pint.
As someone who has lost everything (and almost everyone) over the last couple of years and taken knock after knock after knock I'd be happy to have a chat to see if we can't knock some positive sense into each other. 
I can't explain why every night before I finally get to sleep, I know things are going to turn around, but I know they are. Then I wake up the next day and start thinking I'll never get out of this hole and can't and don't want to face anyone.
No matter what our views are on football, I've seen enough from you to know that underneath the forum persona is a very decent bloke with a decent heart.
You're a good lad mate, good lads eventually work through things. They need support around them to climb back up, that's all.
You've got my email address pal, I'm in Derby often enough so that it wouldn't be out of my way.
What is frightening, the amount of people I'd assume were incredibly happy and fantastically well balanced who've struggled or are struggling still. 
I'd include myself in that as well.
Blimey but what an eye opening thread.

Mostyn, I wish I'd not been on a self imposed exile seeing this thread, not only you but some of the other replies have shocked me and also made me think about the way I post to one or two members. I'll stop to think a bit more in future.
I've not read the rest of the thread yet and there's a couple of months gap, so hopefully by now you're ok.
BUT, if you're not mate, give me a shout and we can go out for a pint.
As someone who has lost everything (and almost everyone) over the last couple of years and taken knock after knock after knock I'd be happy to have a chat to see if we can't knock some positive sense into each other. 
I can't explain why every night before I finally get to sleep, I know things are going to turn around, but I know they are. Then I wake up the next day and start thinking I'll never get out of this hole and can't and don't want to face anyone.
No matter what our views are on football, I've seen enough from you to know that underneath the forum persona is a very decent bloke with a decent heart.
You're a good lad mate, good lads eventually work through things. They need support around them to climb back up, that's all.
You've got my email address pal, I'm in Derby often enough so that it wouldn't be out of my way.
What is frightening, the amount of people I'd assume were incredibly happy and fantastically well balanced who've struggled or are struggling still. 
I'd include myself in that as well.
Blimey but what an eye opening thread.

Mostyn, I wish I'd not been on a self imposed exile seeing this thread, not only you but some of the other replies have shocked me and also made me think about the way I post to one or two members. I'll stop to think a bit more in future.
I've not read the rest of the thread yet and there's a couple of months gap, so hopefully by now you're ok.
BUT, if you're not mate, give me a shout and we can go out for a pint.
As someone who has lost everything (and almost everyone) over the last couple of years and taken knock after knock after knock I'd be happy to have a chat to see if we can't knock some positive sense into each other. 
I can't explain why every night before I finally get to sleep, I know things are going to turn around, but I know they are. Then I wake up the next day and start thinking I'll never get out of this hole and can't and don't want to face anyone.
No matter what our views are on football, I've seen enough from you to know that underneath the forum persona is a very decent bloke with a decent heart.
You're a good lad mate, good lads eventually work through things. They need support around them to climb back up, that's all.
You've got my email address pal, I'm in Derby often enough so that it wouldn't be out of my way.
What is frightening, the amount of people I'd assume were incredibly happy and fantastically well balanced who've struggled or are struggling still. 
I'd include myself in that as well.
Blimey but what an eye opening thread.

I think it is very easy online to make those instant judgements. It comes down to the old cliche of walking in someone else's shoes but when it is just letters on screen that isn't easy. I don't believe we as a nation are very good at talking about problems, pressure on to project a perfect life. Things like facebook were a killer for me when I was going through hard times, I'd be looking around and asking why can't I be happy, what have they got that I haven't. I hated going out, wanted to be a recluse, I felt lonely but company never put out those flames.
Once I got help, got talking, I learnt who I am, how I think, how I think I want to be seen and that I have a right to do what is best for me before others first. I learnt the stress I could handle. My dad always use to call me a closed book and it drove him crazy, but I could never tell him what was happening in my mind. Was it shame? Shame I really wasn't mentally strong? The day I finally emptied my mind was a huge relief.
My problems were a huge barrier to my happiness and to what I could achieve. A huge issue to me, was probably nothing to someone else but that doesn't matter. Our mental health is our most important and should always be given that respect.
Threads like this are a wonderful thing in encouraging and supporting each other, but the best thing is a chat in person with someone who can and will listen and a pint may make it all the sweeter.

Mostyn, I wish I'd not been on a self imposed exile seeing this thread, not only you but some of the other replies have shocked me and also made me think about the way I post to one or two members. I'll stop to think a bit more in future.
I've not read the rest of the thread yet and there's a couple of months gap, so hopefully by now you're ok.
BUT, if you're not mate, give me a shout and we can go out for a pint.
As someone who has lost everything (and almost everyone) over the last couple of years and taken knock after knock after knock I'd be happy to have a chat to see if we can't knock some positive sense into each other. 
I can't explain why every night before I finally get to sleep, I know things are going to turn around, but I know they are. Then I wake up the next day and start thinking I'll never get out of this hole and can't and don't want to face anyone.
No matter what our views are on football, I've seen enough from you to know that underneath the forum persona is a very decent bloke with a decent heart.
You're a good lad mate, good lads eventually work through things. They need support around them to climb back up, that's all.
You've got my email address pal, I'm in Derby often enough so that it wouldn't be out of my way.
What is frightening, the amount of people I'd assume were incredibly happy and fantastically well balanced who've struggled or are struggling still. 
I'd include myself in that as well.
Blimey but what an eye opening thread.

Taking a leaf out of our forum colleagues book. A curtains special.  A random youtube link!
 

Taking a leaf out of our forum colleagues book. A curtains special.  A random youtube link!
 

Mostyn, I wish I'd not been on a self imposed exile seeing this thread, not only you but some of the other replies have shocked me and also made me think about the way I post to one or two members. I'll stop to think a bit more in future.
I've not read the rest of the thread yet and there's a couple of months gap, so hopefully by now you're ok.
BUT, if you're not mate, give me a shout and we can go out for a pint.
As someone who has lost everything (and almost everyone) over the last couple of years and taken knock after knock after knock I'd be happy to have a chat to see if we can't knock some positive sense into each other. 
I can't explain why every night before I finally get to sleep, I know things are going to turn around, but I know they are. Then I wake up the next day and start thinking I'll never get out of this hole and can't and don't want to face anyone.
No matter what our views are on football, I've seen enough from you to know that underneath the forum persona is a very decent bloke with a decent heart.
You're a good lad mate, good lads eventually work through things. They need support around them to climb back up, that's all.
You've got my email address pal, I'm in Derby often enough so that it wouldn't be out of my way.
What is frightening, the amount of people I'd assume were incredibly happy and fantastically well balanced who've struggled or are struggling still. 
I'd include myself in that as well.
Blimey but what an eye opening thread.

Taking a leaf out of our forum colleagues book. A curtains special.  A random youtube link!
 

Mostyn, I wish I'd not been on a self imposed exile seeing this thread, not only you but some of the other replies have shocked me and also made me think about the way I post to one or two members. I'll stop to think a bit more in future.
I've not read the rest of the thread yet and there's a couple of months gap, so hopefully by now you're ok.
BUT, if you're not mate, give me a shout and we can go out for a pint.
As someone who has lost everything (and almost everyone) over the last couple of years and taken knock after knock after knock I'd be happy to have a chat to see if we can't knock some positive sense into each other. 
I can't explain why every night before I finally get to sleep, I know things are going to turn around, but I know they are. Then I wake up the next day and start thinking I'll never get out of this hole and can't and don't want to face anyone.
No matter what our views are on football, I've seen enough from you to know that underneath the forum persona is a very decent bloke with a decent heart.
You're a good lad mate, good lads eventually work through things. They need support around them to climb back up, that's all.
You've got my email address pal, I'm in Derby often enough so that it wouldn't be out of my way.
What is frightening, the amount of people I'd assume were incredibly happy and fantastically well balanced who've struggled or are struggling still. 
I'd include myself in that as well.
Blimey but what an eye opening thread.

Mostyn, I wish I'd not been on a self imposed exile seeing this thread, not only you but some of the other replies have shocked me and also made me think about the way I post to one or two members. I'll stop to think a bit more in future.
I've not read the rest of the thread yet and there's a couple of months gap, so hopefully by now you're ok.
BUT, if you're not mate, give me a shout and we can go out for a pint.
As someone who has lost everything (and almost everyone) over the last couple of years and taken knock after knock after knock I'd be happy to have a chat to see if we can't knock some positive sense into each other. 
I can't explain why every night before I finally get to sleep, I know things are going to turn around, but I know they are. Then I wake up the next day and start thinking I'll never get out of this hole and can't and don't want to face anyone.
No matter what our views are on football, I've seen enough from you to know that underneath the forum persona is a very decent bloke with a decent heart.
You're a good lad mate, good lads eventually work through things. They need support around them to climb back up, that's all.
You've got my email address pal, I'm in Derby often enough so that it wouldn't be out of my way.
What is frightening, the amount of people I'd assume were incredibly happy and fantastically well balanced who've struggled or are struggling still. 
I'd include myself in that as well.
Blimey but what an eye opening thread.

Mostyn, I wish I'd not been on a self imposed exile seeing this thread, not only you but some of the other replies have shocked me and also made me think about the way I post to one or two members. I'll stop to think a bit more in future.
I've not read the rest of the thread yet and there's a couple of months gap, so hopefully by now you're ok.
BUT, if you're not mate, give me a shout and we can go out for a pint.
As someone who has lost everything (and almost everyone) over the last couple of years and taken knock after knock after knock I'd be happy to have a chat to see if we can't knock some positive sense into each other. 
I can't explain why every night before I finally get to sleep, I know things are going to turn around, but I know they are. Then I wake up the next day and start thinking I'll never get out of this hole and can't and don't want to face anyone.
No matter what our views are on football, I've seen enough from you to know that underneath the forum persona is a very decent bloke with a decent heart.
You're a good lad mate, good lads eventually work through things. They need support around them to climb back up, that's all.
You've got my email address pal, I'm in Derby often enough so that it wouldn't be out of my way.
What is frightening, the amount of people I'd assume were incredibly happy and fantastically well balanced who've struggled or are struggling still. 
I'd include myself in that as well.
Blimey but what an eye opening thread.

That must have taken a lot of courage to post, @SaintRam.