Mucker1884

7 minutes ago, WhiteHorseRam said:

Why was the penguin good at surfing the internet?

 

 

Because he had webbed feet.

 

How did the penguin build his house?

 

 

He igloo-ed it together

 

 

There are some excellent jokes printed on each and every penguin* chocolate biscuit wrapper, a must read I think.

Stuck in traffic on the M25 the other week with three employees for two hours, I ran through twelve of these jokes and everyone just loved them. 

 

(*Other chocolate coated biscuit treats are available.)

Employees, yer say?  Not colleagues?  They loved your jokes, yer say?   Hmmm... 

3 hours ago, Gritters said:

When I was a kid you could go into your corner shop with £1 and come out with 2 cans of coke 5 mars bars a magazine and a bag of crisps.

Now days there’s CCTV everywhere.

It was those blocks of "raw" jelly for me... the only thing that wasn't in view of the convex mirror!  LOL!

Or rather... It could have been the blocks of "raw" jelly for me... had I been that way inclined

1 hour ago, Bwash_Ram said:

Sometimes you just cant win.

 

I thought i would be a gentleman and hold the door open for a young lady

 

2 mins later she said " will you sod off, i am trying to have a dump"

I saw a rather attractive young woman approaching the door from inside, as I approached from outside, so I thought I'd try to impress by holding it open for her... but the bloody thing kept on revolving, and I lost two fingers!  

3 minutes ago, mozza said:

Wonder if he got a jump..

Shocking!!  

3 hours ago, AmericanRam said:

A guy tries to walk into a bar but the bouncer says "No tie, no admittance".

The guy goes back to his car, looks for a tie but only finds jump leads. He arranges them around his neck like a tie and heads back in.

The bouncer gives him an appraising glance, and says "OK; I'll let you in. But don't start anything."

Free entry, or was he charged?

4 hours ago, Gritters said:

I don’t think something done deliberately but an example is I typed in neaded and it came out beaded that may be my sausage fingers but then one often comes out as on. It may be this phone I don’t know but the rooster one is funny.

Is that because "neaded" isn't a word?  I guess a spellchecker/predictive text would guess at "needed", "beaded", or "kneaded"?

... Or is "neaded" an actual word... in which case, I've just made myself look very silly!  (I couldn't be bothered to check a dictionary!)  

2 hours ago, Angry Ram said:

Nice little salmon number. 

 

I think it's more than numb.   I reckon it's dead!  

34 minutes ago, FindernRam said:

You have a very good memory for a baby , they were phased out in the mid 60's. Either that or you're older than you are letting on!?

Born '63, so I reckon it must have been more (very) late '60's for me to remember them?.. although I do concede, I can't for the life of me remember what they were for!  LOL!

1 hour ago, FindernRam said:

You can ring people with it? I was looking for Button A and Button B. (anyone under 60 won't understand)

55, I'll have you know! 

24 minutes ago, Lambchop said:

Only on the left leg. 

Oh yeah... so it is!   How Kooky!    LOL!

4 hours ago, Wolfie said:

This gorgeous ball of fluff will be joining the family in a few days. 

...Just in time to start climbing up the Xmas tree!!  

15 hours ago, Lambchop said:

Same old...

Have you got Chocolate all down your tights?

3 hours ago, AmericanRam said:

Picked up a new thesaurus today.

It's nothing to write house about.

Oh, that did make me cachinnate.  

8 hours ago, 1of4 said:

What wrong with the name Paddy? Know a great geordie lass called Paddy.

Is she a hod carrier for Wimpey's, by any chance?  Got a tattoo of KK "down there"!? (Loved it, absolutely loved it!)  Drinks pints of mixed?

We had a thing going for a while back in the late '80's.  Nice lass. 

Give her my regards. xx

2 hours ago, BaaLocks said:

Just disappointed to see Paddy jokes on a board in 2018 - roll your eyes away if you wish, I just thought that was all behind us. Oh well, every day is a school day I guess.

Pretty much every joke will offend, upset, or "disappoint" someone, somewhere.  That's the nature of the beast!

... And talking of beast... Even some avatars promoting bestiality could offend/upset/disappoint someone who isn't that way inclined!  ...And before you ask, no, I don't mean me!  In fact I find your avatar somewhat alluring, myself!  She's a looker, that's for sure!

Heat... kitchen... exit door...

"Seriously?"   On a joke thread?  Seriously?