ram1964

Personally I think this is great business. Not expensive and something different. Even if he’s not gonna be a main striker it will add some much needed height and strength upfront. So something different. I understand he’s 28 but he could just be a signing that will do the job our academy players step up in next couple of years ?‍♂️?‍♂️

Here comes dersun.  da da da da here comes dersun ?

I don’t think he’s in a dilemma. 
 
He tasked Cocu with introducing academy talent and reducing the age and wages of squad. 
 
He’s done this, so he should now be in a position to support him with where the squad needs improving. 

My friend Dipstick just told me that he robbed a shop last night.
 "What did you get?" I asked.  "26 pictures," he smiled, showing me.
"The cheapest one is worth over £180,000."
I said, "Mate, these are from an estate agents."    
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 I couldn't believe it today, when I came home and was told by my wife that my 5-year-old son wasn't actually mine.
She says that I need to pay more attention when picking him up from school.
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My brother took being sent to jail really badly. He refused all offers of food and drink, spat and swore at anyone who came near him,
then smeared the walls with his own faeces.......

 I'll never play Monopoly with him again
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 My wife said she wanted to experiment in the bedroom...
So I got her a chemistry set and went to the pub.   
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I came home from the pub four hours late last night.
"Where the heck have you been?" screamed my wife.
I said, "I've been playing poker with some blokes."
"Playing poker with some blokes?" she repeated.
"Well, you can pack your bags and go!"

 "So can you," I said. "This isn't our house any more."                 
 

How Do Court Reporters Keep Straight Faces? 
 
  These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts and are things people actually said ... 
  in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had 
  the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place. 
 
  ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning? 
  WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?' 
  ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you? 
  WITNESS: My name is Susan! 
  _______________________________ 
  ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? 
  WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. 
  ____________________________________________ 
  ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active? 
  WITNESS: No, I just lie there. 
  ____________________________________________ 
  ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth? 
  WITNESS: July 18th. 
  ATTORNEY: What year? 
  WITNESS: Every year. 
  _____________________________________ 
  ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you? 
  WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which. 
  ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you? 
  WITNESS: Forty-five years. 
  _________________________________ 
  ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? 
  WITNESS: Yes. 
  ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory? 
  WITNESS: I forget.. 
  ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot? 
  ___________________________________________ 
  ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? 
  WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam? 
  ____________________________________ 
 
  ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he? 
  WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ. 
  ___________________________________________ 
  ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken? 
  WITNESS: Are you pooping me? 
  _________________________________________ 
  ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? 
  WITNESS: Yes. 
  ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time? 
  WITNESS: Getting laid 
  ____________________________________________ 
 
  ATTORNEY: She had three children , right? 
  WITNESS: Yes. 
  ATTORNEY: How many were boys? 
  WITNESS: None. 
  ATTORNEY: Were there any girls? 
  WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney? 
  ____________________________________________ 
  ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated? 
  WITNESS: By death.. 
  ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated? 
  WITNESS: Take a guess. 
  ___________________________________________ 
 
  ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual? 
  WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard 
  ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female? 
  WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male. 
  _____________________________________ 
  ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? 
  WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. 
  ______________________________________ 
  ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? 
  WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight. 
  _________________________________________ 
  ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to? 
  WITNESS: Oral... 
  _________________________________________ 
  ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? 
  WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM 
  ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? 
  WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished. 
  ____________________________________________ 
  ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? 
  WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question? 
 
  ______________________________________ 
  And last: 
 
  ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? 
  WITNESS: No. 
  ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? 
  WITNESS: No. 
  ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing? 
  WITNESS: No.. 
  ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? 
  WITNESS: No. 
  ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor? 
  WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. 
  ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? 
  WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law. 
 
 
 

Not brilliant replys if im honest . Hes an injured sportsman and however that injury occurred he was an top player for this club. I hope his rehabilitation goes well and he goes on to have a few more seasons at the top. shame its not with us.
 
 
 
 

Saw this on a social media site today I thought it rather funny 

What a tight get ?

What a tight get ?

So the 2 main culprits have been given a fine and are already back in the team and playing like nothing happened, but the passenger who's already suffered the most is now being threatened with being sacked? Sure he's the captain and should know better, but if you're exploring the possibility of sacking him then you should have probably done that with the other 2 as well.

I just bought a new 60" TV with special football mode ready for the new Premier League season. I opened the box and guess what...
 
No Leeds.
 

BIOLOGY EXAM 


                       Students in an advanced Biology class were taking 
their mid-term exam.
                       The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of 
Mother's Milk.?
                       The question was worth 70 points or none at all. 

                       One student, in particular, was hard put to think of 
seven advantages. 

                       However, he wrote:
                       1) It is perfect formula for the child.
                       2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
                       3) It is always the right temperature.
                       4) It is inexpensive.
                       5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
                       6) It is always available as needed.
                       And then the student was stuck. Finally, in 
desperation,
                       just before the bell rang indicating the end of the 
test, he wrote:
                       7 ) It comes in two attractive containers and it's 
high enough off the ground where the cat can't get it. 

                       He got an A.

My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bar steward!"
"Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"

The story of a certain man .
As he stood in front of the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind St Peter.

He asked, 'What are all those clocks?' 

St. Peter answered, 'Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on earth has a Lie-Clock.

Every time you lie the hands on your clock move.' 

'Oh', said the man. 'Whose clock is that?' 

'That's Mother Teresa's', replied St. Peter. 'The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie.' 

'Incredible', said the man. 'And whose clock is that one?' 

St. Peter responded, 'That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that 
Abraham told only two lies in his entire life.'

'Where's Gordon Brown's clock?' asked the man.

'Brown's clock is in Jesus's office. He's using it as a ceiling fan.' 

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You obviously haven't been listening."

A couple driving home run over a badger. They stop to see if it is ok. The badger was breathing but very cold.
The man said to his wife put it between your legs to warm it up.
The wife said but it's wet and it stinks.
The man said well hold its nose.

There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage.'

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up. One is a good looking, older retired golfer in his late sixties and the other is a gorgeous blonde in her mid-twenties.
 
The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it - This is one ferocious lion! He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment -- chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"
 
The girl says, "I'll go first."
 
She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About half way there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.
 
The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.
 
The circus owner's jaw is on the floor.
 
He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the retired golfer and asks, "Can you top that?"
 
The tough old golfer replies, "No problem, just get that lion out of the way."

A man gets pulled over for speeding.
 
The police officer approaches the drivers door.
"Is there a problem, Officer?"
The officer says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your license please?"
The driver responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."
"You don't have one?"
The man responds, "I lost it four times for drunk driving."
The officer is shocked. "I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?"
"I'm sorry, I can't do that."
The officer says, "Why not?"
"I stole this car."
The officer says, "Stole it?"
The man says, "Yes, and I killed the owner."
At this point the officer is getting irate. "You what?"
"She's in the trunk if you want to see."
The officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. Another officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half-drawn gun.
This officer says, "Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!"
The man steps out of his vehicle. "Is there a problem, sir?"
"One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner."
"Murdered the owner?"
The officer responds, "Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car please?"
The man opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
The officer says, "Is this your car sir?"
The man says, "Yes" and hands over the registration papers.
The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. "One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license."
The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled. "Thank you, sir. One of my officers told me you didn't have a license, stole this car, and murdered the owner."
The man replies, "I bet you the lying ******* told you I was speeding, too!"

Bloody women!!! I booked a table for tonight for me and the missus for valentines day and It turns out she doesn't like snooker.

Why Some Men Have Dogs And Not Wives:
 
 
1.  The later you are, the more excited your dog is to see you.
2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.
4. A dog's parents never visit.
5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.
7. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.
8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.
9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, 'If I died, would you get another dog?'
10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.
11. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.
12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.
13. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.
And last, but not least:
14. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.

A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot.
 
The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness.

Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the motorway.  You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but...
"Something happened.  I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it."

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got £9000 in insurance compensation coming and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did - better in fact! But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's £1000 an inch."
The man perks up at this. "So," the doctor says, "It's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision."
 
 
The man agrees to talk with his wife.
 
The doctor comes back the next day. "So," says the doctor, "have you spoken with your wife?"
 
"I have," says the man.
 
 
 "And what is the decision?" asks the doctor.
  
  "We're having granite worktops."

A man with  a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a


Xmas fancy  dress party


He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden

leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his

problem.  A  few days later he receives a parcel with a
note

Dear  Sir,


Please find enclosed a  Pirate's outfit. The spotted
handkerchief will cover your bald  head and with your wooden
leg you will be just right as a Pirate.

The  man is offended that the outfit  emphasizes his disability, so he
writes a letter of complaint..  A week passes and he
receives another parcel and note:

Dear  Sir,

Sorry about the previous  parcel. Please find enclosed a

monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and
with your bald head you will really look the part. 

The  man is really incandescent with rage now, because the company
has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing
attention to his bald head.  So he writes a really strong
letter of complaint.. A few days later he gets a very small
parcel  from the company with the accompanying letter:

Dear  Sir,

Please find enclosed a  tin of Golden Syrup.

We suggest you pour the tin of  Golden Syrup over your bald
head, let it harden, then stick your wooden leg up your arse and go as a toffee apple.



 

My friend had one of his testicles removed today after finding a lump.
That's how serious he is about mashed potatoes.